gfto Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 So she says to me that she prefers being friends first and going from there. How did this come up? And, was it before or after your date?
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 How did this come up? And, was it before or after your date? It was during the date. But this only because we were talking about how her own female friends were always foolishly and hastily jumping into relationships with guys....and that's something she wants to keep a level head about and not do. Just not her thing. BTW, I asked her to give me her address so "I can pick you up for our 'date'!" I am curious what her reaction will be to that simple word, "Date". - Also, I remember one time back.....where I asked a woman to join me going out....and she agreed to it....she called me back later to clarify...."Um...do you mean going out as friends...or as on a date?" And I said, "Well,.....a date.(he said so obviously)" Kinda of like DUH....it' s date...hello McFly! But....she said, "Um..yeah, about that....I don't think so....you're a great guy....but I dont think of you in that way." But hey, at least she called me back to clarify that she had no interest in me. So thus....we would not be seeing each other, one-on-one, even as friends.
JoeNewbie Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I think there is a VERY clear difference between "friends who are interested" and "just friends". I remember an old friend of mine who rejected me before I even asked her out. I was "just a friend" and she was interested in a friend of mine. Many years later, I found out she has very good oral technique.
audrey_1 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I suppose my current relationship is friends first. Our first meeting, which I thought was two old friends getting together to catch up after not seeing each other for 15 years, I later found out in his mind, was a date. I had no idea...but we're still just friends after a year -
paddington bear Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 After being friendzoned twice by the last two guys that I liked I'm beginning to think that becoming friends first with a member of the opposite sex is a BAD idea. Traditional dating is about getting to know someone before jumping into a serious relationship with them, ie becoming friends with them but knowing that you are both there for the same reason. I think everyone's intentions should be stated clearly from the offset, that you are 'dating' not just hanging out. If you start hanging out together and one person thinks you're on a date and the other thinks it's just two friends spending time together you are in trouble. Keep up the flirting with her, this lets her know you're interested in her as an attractive woman and that she's not just some male buddy who just happens to have breasts (that's where I'm at now and it feels rotten!!!) I have done the instant lust chemistry kissing within a few minutes of knowing someone, however you at that point have a choice to either go and sleep with them and never see them again, or go on some dates with them afterwards and see if there is anything more there than just lust, at some point you have to spend the time getting to know the person, just don't leave it go on too long before making a move.
JennieS Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 I don't know if this is relevant lol, but typically the type of guys that instantly go into the "friend zone" with me are the ones who seem overly timid or even overbearing. Those kind of guys I and alot of my girl friends (who say the same thing) are not interested in a serious relationship with.
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 I had this friend of mine...started dating this chick he met in a martial arts class. They slept with each other a few times...he thought they were a couple...then she pulls, "I want to take things SLOW now, things are moving too fast....let's try being friends" He was like WTF? What I cannot understand is....a woman always seems to fault a man for NOT wanting to be friends with her...like he's a jerk or is immature when he doesn't want to talk to her anymore. Why talk to her...you're just wasting her time. Alot of women I meet use the word "Hanging out" even though it IS indeed aa date...maybe it' to perhaps not "Jinx" it or whatever. When people first meet, they call it " hanging out "....so as to not seem desperate. I've seen people do this...and all of a sudden they are HOT AND HEAVY...and you approoach them and say, " Um...I thought you were just "hangin' out'". lol They go, "Um....guess things just happened"
gfto Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 It [the "friends first discussion"] was during the date. Usually not good.
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Usually not good. Oh...and you're an expert? lol. Funny, I AGREED with her. You DID read how her friends are always foolishy, and blindly jumping into relationshps that suck....and she's avoiding that route. Thus the cause for friends first. Don't be so negative.
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 We should start a movement called "Sex First" then maaaybe friends. LOL...yeah...she'd definately would not be your type if that's the case.
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Friends First" vs. "The Friendzone" "Friends first" can work if both people do not have any type of physical attraction/romantic inclination towards the other person. If they do then I guess they'd have to control it and call me silly, but that's kinda hard to do. But I think most people would agree that for any "romantic" relationship to develop, there has to be a mutual attraction on some level - whether it be physical, intellectual, etc.
Trialbyfire Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 "Friends first" allows you the opportunity to ensure for compatibility. When you leap into the physical right away, it muddies rational thought, blinding most to blatant red flags.
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Friends First" vs. "The Friendzone" "Friends first" can work if both people do not have any type of physical attraction/romantic inclination towards the other person. If they do then I guess they'd have to control it and call me silly, but that's kinda hard to do. But I think most people would agree that for any "romantic" relationship to develop, there has to be a mutual attraction on some level - whether it be physical, intellectual, etc. You mean "Friends First" means they DO have an attraction to each other, but they want to keep their heads on straight first. Think rationally, and so on.
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 You mean "Friends First" means they DO have an attraction to each other, but they want to keep their heads on straight first. Think rationally, and so on. Well I think what your talking about, is about "pacing" the relationship. You have an attraction towards the other, but you try to control it in some way by holding back on the romantic aspect. There is no guarantee whether starting out as friends first, or the complete opposite, will provide for a successful relationship. Love is a risk, anyway you look at it. You would think if you're friends first, it would make for a long-lasting relationship. Sometimes it does, other times it doesn't because the expectations change once the friendship is taken to a romantic level.
audrey_1 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Friends First" vs. "The Friendzone" "Friends first" can work if both people do not have any type of physical attraction/romantic inclination towards the other person. If they do then I guess they'd have to control it and call me silly, but that's kinda hard to do. But I think most people would agree that for any "romantic" relationship to develop, there has to be a mutual attraction on some level - whether it be physical, intellectual, etc. I think "friends first" can work in spite of physical attraction/romantic inclination, but it is tricky, tricky. They key is control, and it is very hard to do. This is where I am at the moment. Since we did jump right in physically at the beginning, and it was steamy and passionate, we already know we're okay in that department, so we're working backwards. We are compatible on a lot of levels, but now we're asking each other the daily questions about finances, laundry, etc. What would you do in this situation? I learn something new about him each time I'm with him. It builds anticipation.
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Well, earlier on the phone and in an email...she must've mentioned 3 or 4 times that she "Cant WAIT" to hang out with me again. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up...and she agreed. I later emailed her about gettingher address so I can pick her up for "our date" I said, "hey there lovely lady, may I have your address so I can come pick you up on our date?" Not sure if I sabotaged anything, but hey...call me old-fashioned I guess. I call 'em as I see 'em. I mean it's a bonafide dinner and a movie "hang out", just me and her. The "modern woman" is apparently spooked by the word "date" these days, don't know why..but she claimed to be old-fashioned.
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Well, earlier on the phone and in an email...she must've mentioned 3 or 4 times that she "Cant WAIT" to hang out with me again. I asked her if she wanted me to pick her up...and she agreed. I later emailed her about gettingher address so I can pick her up for "our date" I said, "hey there lovely lady, may I have your address so I can come pick you up on our date?" Not sure if I sabotaged anything, but hey...call me old-fashioned I guess. I call 'em as I see 'em. I mean it's a bonafide dinner and a movie "hang out", just me and her. The "modern woman" is apparently spooked by the word "date" these days, don't know why..but she claimed to be old-fashioned. So then what is your question exactly? Did you go out with her again or not?
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 So then what is your question exactly? Did you go out with her again or not? Well, that me calling it a date...would spook her?
LionLover Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Well, that me calling it a date...would spook her? How did it spook her, I mean what did she say to you that would lead you to believe she was spooked by you calling it a date?
carhill Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Overanalysis. Life isn't this hard. Go out on a "date". Express honest intentions. Take what comes. It's a process
Author Bells Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Don't know about you guys but I don't really want to bang any of my "friends." Once someone is my friend, the romance is out the window. I see them as a sister or brother. The sexiest relationships I've ever had have been ones that start out with a bang. Ha! And probably ended just as quickly. lol
gfto Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Oh...and you're an expert? lol. Funny, I AGREED with her. You DID read how her friends are always foolishy, and blindly jumping into relationshps that suck....and she's avoiding that route. Thus the cause for friends first. Don't be so negative. You seem defensive. I hope you continue to melt this woman's heart with your high caliber flirting skills.
Author Bells Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Nope not at all. Sex on date = another date No sex on date = no more dates Doesn't necessarily have to be sex....could be a Make-out session on the first date...then work from there.
vesper16 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 IME and IMO, friends just don't have the same investment and same expectations of each other that people in relationships (by that I mean romantic relationships) do. I know from personal experience that friendships can go on for years and certain "layers of the onion" never get peeled back because the level of intimacy is different. I'm speaking from a male perspective here. Women generally don't share with men "friends" (the platonic ones) the way they do with their girlfriends. The different level of intimacy is very true, I would take it a step further and say that things about another person that wouldn't matter at all in a friendship can suddenly become incredibly important in a relationship, I think with a relationship you're letting someone else inside your soul, especially when sex is involved. I've had long-term platonic female friends and speak from much experience. I've enjoyed innocent flirtations with them during times of relationship stress (theirs) and listened to their problems and shared their joys. It's a different kind of love; one borne of mutual respect, shared interests and absolutely no sexual chemistry. It's just a feeling, but it is a strong one. I definitely agree, when I think of the close female friends that I do have, I would not hesitate to say I love them even if I know we probably wouldn't work out romantically.
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