The A That's Slowly Killing Me

[bish]

Honestly i dont know why i bother

 

I post on LS as i WANT to fix my life / M. I told my H to do the same as I found the replies honest and helpful. My H knows my user name and is free to post and read as he pleases and he does so.

 

I fu**ed up, now i am paying for it. While i realise that each person has there own opinion, suggesting to someone who is emotionally fragile to sleep with someone else is disgusting, sick and quite frankly, the anger here is evident. No one but my H has to live with me, you do not know me personally, you only know me from what I have posted here. You are not privy to private discussions between myself and H. You do not know my thoughts, fears, regrets etc. You are not a part of my life.

 

Speak as you will, but realise that what YOU say can damage other people. If you are bitter or disguted at me, good for you, there are obviously issues you need to sort out.

 

I just cant believe my H has to listen to this BS when i told him how lovely the posters are here. YOU ought to be ashamed. As i said before, DONT POST HERE AGAIN. I think it may be time to give LS the flick and fu*k off this BS here in cyber space.

 

MORONS

 

Her entire response above tells us all of the attitude she has and why she is a cheater.

[Terminator]

Seems to me that Astra is only interested in "fixing" her M and life in a way that suits her.

 

Can't wait to see her posts when Hubby finally grows a pair and kicks her lying cheating gaslighting a$$ to the curb.

[Darth Vader]

Last edited by Terminator; Today at 2:16 PM. Reason: and I LOVE the "you all don't really KNOW me" stuff - as someone else said, this is your husband's thread, not YOURS

 

Gotta love the response!

[bish]

You should trust that your H has the mental ability to seperate the gems from the trash!

 

If he does have the mental ability to seperate the gems from the trash, then astra will be history.

[Al_Bundy]

You wife may have put the poster/s on Ignor. However, that's not her place, or decision to make.

 

I'd say she wants to hide the truth from him and doesn't want him to come to his senses.

[cherrymoon]

People can be manipulated believe it or not.

I won't discuss my situation as I made the choice I wasn't raped, I wasn't drunk or drugged.

I chose to behave in the manner I did.

I will say this much though.

I met this man through work, a job I had left however I had to pass on information and to a point I was available if there was any queries (it was a big kick ass job).

 

We got to know each other and hit it off. I had no interest in him and was in an ok place. I had, had a very very bad year and was coming out of it, this was not because of my husband life just dealt us a massive challenge, the stress hit and I was hospitalised with a serious illness induced by stress. He had heard about the situation and asked me about it, i found that i could talk to him.

Time passed and I stopped all contact as I had left the job and felt there was no need to discuss anything more unless it was a specific thing.

 

A few months passed and he rang with a very genuine problem, My situation had developed into something else and we once again spoke.

 

My husband was at all times aware of this and had no issues.

 

Here's the thing.

 

When the affair ended here is what he told me. "he loved me, he never meant that to happen, The first time he met me he was sexually attracted to me, he made a conscious decision to see how he could bed me. When he found out that I had gone through what i had it gave him an opportunity to be supportive."

 

He admitted he used all the information and worked on my huge vulnerability and actively manipulated the situation so that he would get me into bed.

 

Heres the thing though he thought I would be flattered, instead I was horrified at his behaviour but worse than that I was so sickened by my stupidity. How could I be that stupid.

My situation at the time was an extreme and things did happen that would cloud anybody's judgement but seriously I may have been clouded but I wasn't blind.

 

My point is we cannot judge astra or her husband only he needs to understand what happened and why.

If she says she was manipulated then fine.

No one here can send anyone to hell just because their experiences told them differently.

 

However Astra I would strongly advise that you stop being so hostile. This is an anonymous forum it isn't reliavant what people think of you.

You could be my dearest friend, my sister, my neighbour How do I know. You can only be judged by god and liked or disliked by your peers.

 

You messed up. How are you paying for it?

If it is just your guilt well hun welcome to the club,, shame we didn't feel that before we bed hopped.

You have to stop being a victim the man manipulated your vulnerability but you made the choice.

 

People have no right to say to your H to divorce you because that isn't their place but they will and they do.

 

Keep Your head down, work on your marriage and start seeing it from his side. Help him heal and prove yourself worthy.

I won't say i didn't pay for it. I was punished severly, by rights I should never forgive that treatment but I did because I could see the death in his eyes. I will never recover from that look when His soul left his body and hurt and anger took its place. I did that, not some slimey guy .

You have to take the blame and fix yourself and your marriage.

I wish you luck

[Reggie]

Here's my take on this. I've been through this in two marriages now. I can remember what it was like in the initial stages. The pain is immense. Your world is rocked. Anxiety, depression, weight loss, lack of ability to concentrate, loss of self esteem, humiliation, all very normal and part and parcel of this deal. I hope your wife has an appreciation for the extent of the damage, as, unless one has been thrugh it, it is very difficult to imagine how much it hurts.

Time will help you. It seems hard to believe that this will ever get better but it will.

I think seeing a doctor is a very good idea. Disclose everything to him. I got Rx's for anitdepressants and anti-anxiety meds and they helped me survive. Also, look into getting theray for yourself. You'll need someone to talkto and who can help you.

Don't rush inot a decision to reconcile. Contrary to the propoganda from sites promoting their marriage healing services for a fee, the majority of marriages do not survivie infidelity. The non-profit-invested studies says it's about 31% survival rate. Studies show that 2 years out from beginning reconciliation most men regret staying with their unfaithful wives. The initial reflex action to jump inot reconciliation is motivated by fear and a sense of competition.

So, really take some time and don't put pressure on yourself to decide what course to follow for a good long time. If your wife is serious about rconciling, she will understand that you need a lot of time to reach a decision on this.

If you decide to try rconciling, get MC. I can't imagine doing this by myself. If you decide to divorce, get really good legal counsel.

In the aftermath of the revelation of infidelity, one is often very dpleted and not prepared to do battle. You will be tempted to make concessions that the law does not require, in order to end this quickly and to get away from the pain. Instruct your lawyer to slap you if you try this.

I just think you are in a world of hurt and what you are feeling is very normal. I am so sorry that your wife saw fit to do this to you. It was unfair , cruel and undeserved. Hopefully, she realizes this and is taking steps to find out why she was capable of this.

[Reggie]

On the predator/manipulator theory mentioned above, I have a very hard time with cheating spouses promoting the idea that they were victims of manipulation or of an expierienced predator. This semi-justification is put forth with regularity and , sometimes, the betrayed spouse attaches to it as well in order to avoid having to take a real look at the character of the cheating spouse.

But, it seems to me that someone has to be predisposed to cheat to be susceptible to manipulation. Any reasonably attractive person meets folks that let it be known they are interested in romance without regard to marital status. A healthy individual with good boundaries simply blows it off.

I think a WS that puts forth the theory that he or she was manipulated or preyed upon is avoiding responsibility to some degree.

[LakesideDream]

Just a wondering.... How are Astra77, and Astra's Puppy doing these days? Are you two still reading LoveShack?

 

Hubby, are you keeping your Puppy Chow down?

 

Maybe there is a happy ending story, fill us in kids!

[Sks]

hmm, if a theoretical wife of mine had an affair I would be caught between wanting to choke her, cry or just walk away in disgust.

 

I would have a hard time having sex with my wife again knowing another dude ****ed her, I guess you are a better person then I am.......... I hope it all works out for you.

[cherrymoon]

Hi reggie,

you are right in so many respects.

However people aren't predisposed to cheating, well not all anyway.

 

you said it yourself healthy people don't.

"A healthy individual with good boundaries simply blows it off."

 

I really just was showing how someone can worm their way in, find the vulnerability and work it.

 

i am not and was not predisposed to cheating. But I did cheat.

Only i know why and what happened to me that made me chose what i did.

 

I am also one of the only person that won't justify my affair.

My husband won't justify the affair but says i had every reason to give up on our marriage There is a huge difference.

 

Counsellors support me and flame him,

I went to a Domestic violence centre and when we discussed my affair they said " that is your choice, your right, your body etc" I actually laughed.

Yet actually they were right and as time passed I realised what they meant.

 

I was not owned, My body is mine to do what i want with whether it is right or wrong.

There is the key. The affair, It was my Choice. My fault. The rest of it wasn't.

I hope I am writing this clearly.

All that happened with OM was he manipulated the situation so he was there at every turn.

 

I wasn't healthy before or after the affair my mental health was extremely questionable.

Crazy town is not blocks away it is right next door.

I am 100% responsible for my affair. I will never say otherwise.

 

There is a poster on this forum who slated me for having an affair, his wife cheated on him, he is now involved with a married woman.

Who knows what we are going to do, who knows how hard and fast we will fall.

Is he predisposed? No circumstances changed as did he.

 

Thanks reggie and for the record it will never happen again. Hope you are doing ok.

[Reggie]

Maybe just semantics, Cherry. But, your mental health issues, IMO, are what predisposed you to the affair. I simply wanted to point out that it is virtually impossible for someone to convince or manipulate another to cheat unless the underlying desire was already there.

I see some husbands clinging to the notion that their wives were victims of manipulation or predation. They need to cling to this to preserve their egos and their images of their wives. But, clearly, the cheating spouse, man or woman , was doing this on his/her own volition.

[cherrymoon]

Hey Reggie

 

hope we are not hijacking the thread.

I think I know where you are coming from.

Predisposed in my opinion is the wrong term but seriously I am not here to argue with you.

 

We are actually agreeing to a point.

I never thought I was manipulated by OM I always took responsibility for my actions.

I never thought OM had a motive it was he who told me he manipulated the situation and had a motive. i was shocked and disgusted.

I only ever mentioned that to my H when he asked me why I had no feelings for him etc. The realisation that I was an object of desire instead of that someone special:sick:

I know don't slate me for that I was a mess.

My emotional state made it easy for him to be there. I made the choice of acting on his presence.

Does that make sense.

 

My H blames him, I think he has to. I have argued that it was 50% my fault.

In the begining his anger was towards me, I was all to blame, 2yrs later he has decided that I made the most F'd up decision but it was OM fault.

 

You might be right Husbands do jump on the manipulation thing to help them survive it. Maybe to focus their anger and hurt on him rather than me???

 

Who knows.

 

Anyway just needed to clarify because it is so important to me. I was at fault I used poor judgement and was 100% responsible for me.

I knew it was wrong.

no amount of manipulation or hurt can justify my actions.

 

Thanks again

[LakesideDream]

hmm, if a theoretical wife of mine had an affair I would be caught between wanting to choke her, cry or just walk away in disgust.

 

I would have a hard time having sex with my wife again knowing another dude ****ed her, I guess you are a better person then I am.......... I hope it all works out for you.

 

 

Sks, Why is Astra's Puppy a better person than you for being willing to forgive, roll, and piddle?

 

Instead of "better puppy" I think you are a more discriminating man with standards and values that prevent you from ignoring her actions.

 

I understand perfectly. When I discovered my then wife, now long since ex wife was freely giving herself to her long term lover I lost all sexual and romantic interest in her. I am not interested in sluts walking down the street.. why would I be interested in one I was married to?

[whichwayisup]

I don't think astra and her husband are coming back to LS again...

[Shygirl15]

lol... I have never seen a couple try to resolve their issues in this fashion.

[Al_Bundy]

Hi reggie,

you are right in so many respects.

However people aren't predisposed to cheating, well not all anyway.

 

you said it yourself healthy people don't.

"A healthy individual with good boundaries simply blows it off."

 

I really just was showing how someone can worm their way in, find the vulnerability and work it.

 

i am not and was not predisposed to cheating. But I did cheat.

Only i know why and what happened to me that made me chose what i did.

 

I am also one of the only person that won't justify my affair.

My husband won't justify the affair but says i had every reason to give up on our marriage There is a huge difference.

 

Counsellors support me and flame him,

 

Huh? Flame the betrayed spouse? I'd say its time to fire the counselors

 

So they support your cheating? Hmmm, interesting concept for a counselor.

 

 

 

I went to a Domestic violence centre and when we discussed my affair they said " that is your choice, your right, your body etc" I actually laughed.

Yet actually they were right and as time passed I realised what they meant.

 

I was not owned, My body is mine to do what i want with whether it is right or wrong.

There is the key. The affair, It was my Choice. My fault. The rest of it wasn't.

I hope I am writing this clearly.

All that happened with OM was he manipulated the situation so he was there at every turn.

 

I don't care how "manipulative" a woman would be with me, I have a mind of my own and wouldn't cheat, no matter how much charm a woman will put on.

 

 

I am 100% responsible for my affair. I will never say otherwise.

 

Thats good that you see it that way. I'm still puzzled at the counselors flaming him. If ever a betrayed spouse had a right to stand up, tell a counselor to #$%& off and walk out, it would be your husband in the face of those quacks.

 

 

There is a poster on this forum who slated me for having an affair, his wife cheated on him, he is now involved with a married woman.

 

Then he is a hypocrite.

 

 

Who knows what we are going to do, who knows how hard and fast we will fall.

 

To say that is to say you have no mind of your own and that things just "happen".

 

Wrong. Things don't just "happen". They happen because you want them to.

 

 

Thanks reggie and for the record it will never happen again.

 

But you just said "who knows what we are going to do". So if you hold that view, you can't say it will never happen. Because after all, "who knows"

 

 

 

Hope you are doing ok.

[Al_Bundy]

I don't think astra and her husband are coming back to LS again...

 

Me neither. She wants to keep the truth from him to suit her own agenda.

[Al_Bundy]

BTW - what happened to the "nasty posts"

 

"nasty posts"???

 

Oh, sorry, you must mean the ones with the truth in them.

[Dexter Morgan]

You should be sick. It's any boss' dream to fu*k one of his married subordinates. It gives him immense pleasure and a power trip.

 

And unless a boss is the owner of the company, then any superior to him or a board would request his resignation if he/she is having sex with a subordinate. Consensual or not, it opens them up to a sexual harrassment suit since it is a subordinate working relationship.