The A That's Slowly Killing Me

[astras hubby]

I have a suggestion for both: avoid posting on LS together.

You risk to get too focused on what other people think about the situation than on the way to working through it, and it is possible that a number of people will side with either of you instead ofsiding with *both* of you as a couple and help you sort your issues.

Also, if either of you gets personal, or has a fight with another poster, it might result in a fight between yourselves, and add more stress than you need to the situation.

Good luck to both.

 

Thanks A -

 

Just reading this now with astra - cant believe people are so bitter - dont mean my W either

[astras hubby]

BTW - what happened to the "nasty posts"

[pelicanpreacher]

Hello PP,

 

When i went to the doctor's the other day, i got sidetracked with work and forgot to tell him about the issues i have.I won't forget next time to ask him.

 

You definately need to get a handle on this. If your body is stressing out your immune system can become compromised making you extremely suceptible to severe infection. I remember one year back in the 90's I and the entire office caught a bad case of the flu. During this time period my manager, who was in perfect health prior to this mini-epidemic, contracted some sort of lymphoma and died within months. Of course I am no doctor but I still carry grave suspicions of what impact that flu virus had in that man's demise so if there is a bug going around you need to keep your body in tip top condition. Again, first thing's first is your health!

[LifesontheUp]

I agree with Adunaphel in that it may be best to avoid writing here, unless you can ignore some of the more upsetting and personal replies.

 

AH - this is a very emotional time for you. I remember that I couldn't eat properly for about 2 months, and I also felt sick to my stomach like you do. This is one roller coaster ride which you will get through, there is light at the end of the tunnel I promise.

 

IMHO, whether she confessed or not shouldn't be the issue now as you have both decided to work on your marriage.

 

I think what is probably hindering your recovery is your wifes reluctance to give you answers to some of your questions. I can understand her reluctance, but if you have a need for answers and she is 100% committed to work this out with you, then she has to be open and honest and give you what you need.

 

There are many books that you may find useful. A good list is provided in the healing library of the survivinginfidelity site.

 

Good luck.

[Darth Vader]

BTW - what happened to the "nasty posts"

 

 

You wife may have put the poster/s on Ignor. However, that's not her place, or decision to make. You should have the right to make your own decision about what you read, and not have it edited by your wife, if that's what she's doing........

 

This ain't China!

[Darth Vader]

As everyone can see, my H is hurting, he is in deep pain and looking for ADVICE on how to deal with this. He doesnt need cock heads bad mouthing me and telling him to cheat on me. I own the part i played in the A, but when someone is keeping you in the dark and feeding you bull ****...........

 

What a sick thing to finally come to that realization after you rode someone else and then lied to your hubby as well as feeding him Bull****. There was no manipulation by your Boss, that's what's called Damage Control! More Bull**** by YOU!

 

Lady, I disagree with others for saying that he should bang someone else, however, I can see by your tone that you wouldn't like it at all, yet, you did it to your husband, that tells me that your wedding vows meant nothing! What Hypocrisy!

 

As far as the manipulation goes: There's no possible way a person accidently has sex with another person, they do it because they want/ed it!

 

It almost sounds like you don't want your husband to have all the info, or possible info that he may want or need to help him determine whether or not to stay married to you, that's not a new tactic, I've seen that one before!

 

Lastly, it seems to me your husband hasn't hit the anger stage as of yet, To the husband: Yes it will hit you Hubby very soon!

[soda]

As for whether or not H decides to stay, that is up to him. I could have chosen the easy way out and decided to leave my H, but i chose the hard way, and have decided to try to make this up to my H and make our M work.

.

 

Well, I didn't encourage your husband to cheat, but I did advise him that he ought to closely consider whether you're worth being married to. I'm not sure that you are. After all, you are a cheater. It will be very difficult for your husband to forgive you. Some spouses never do.

 

You see, HIM staying married to YOU is choosing the hard way. Any choice that you make about the marriagepales greatly in comparison. You wronged him. Don't forget this fact.

 

Your husband deserves to married to married to someone who doesn't choose to cheat on him. You may not like my advice, but you cannot dispute this fact.

[Darth Vader]

You see, HIM staying married to YOU is choosing the hard way. Any choice that you make about the marriage pales greatly in comparison. You wronged him. Don't forget this fact.

 

I think I see where you are going with this Soda, The marriage is forever out of balance, her actions or words or whatever don't mean much, if anything at all.

 

That's the harsh sad reality of the situation.

[syz]

It may benefit one of you to post over at surviving infidelity. There is a specific section there for the wayward spouse and those people are tough as nails.

 

I mean they will take you down to the bottom of yourself will not let you get get away with "victim" thinking, make you own your Sh*t and keep redirecting your me thinking into oh my god what have I done to my Betrayed spouse.

 

I think Astra ought to post over there so she can be handled by people who have walked the same path through BS as she has and let her H has this place.

 

They will help you get to the bottom of why you did this Astra because this is a question you will have to answer sooner or later. And the correct answer is not I was depressed and I was brainwashed. If you were weak and the OM's attention worked that angle well then find out why you were weak, what gap in yourself were you trying to fill, what in you is broken? Because something is.

 

If you H needs answers, answer, be transparent, all passwords cell phone activity you name it because you words do not mean much of anything only your actions have any merit at the moment.

 

You are extremely lucky he has decided to reconcile. he is giving you a gift. And it is going to be an extremely difficult one. I doubt he has even hit the anger stage yet. You have no idea what you are in for if he hasn't so I would recommend you talk to others who have been there and are actively saving their marriages and can help you stay focused on his needs just at the time you feel at your lowest.

[Lizzie60]

Hello PP,

 

When i went to the doctor's the other day, i got sidetracked with work and forgot to tell him about the issues i have.I won't forget next time to ask him.

 

Huh !!!!!!

[porter218]

So much negativity:mad:!! People cut it out.

 

AH I think you need to take a little time off of work and regroup. I am sure that your stress has contributed to your sickness, just take care of yourself. After the pain of an A I always advocate an extravagant vacation because it reminds you what joy feels like...and at this point I am sure joy is a foreign idea to you. It is important to take good care of your emotional health.

As far as what someone else said about antidepressants...don't do it!!! Anti depressants sometimes can actually make your depression worse and increases suicidal thoughts. Another problem with taking them after an A is you actually have a reason why you are depressed, those meds are for people who are just simply depressed because of chemical imbalances. But the anti anxiety meds that can be taken as needed are OK for this type of matter.

AH you will be OK, ignore the naysayers. I have survived my H A and yes it is still painful, but I am happier now that more time has gone by. As long as Astra continues to be a 'changed woman' and doesn't slip back into old ways then you 2 will move past this. But as far as her not telling you everything, well she needs to go ahead and get that over with because that will just impede the healing process for you. As long as you still have unanswered questions you will be stuck in a stand still.

[LakesideDream]

BTW - what happened to the "nasty posts"

 

 

What happened is there is no point. The two of you have chosen your path. That's a good think. Best of luck in the future.

 

I'll be watching for your success story as time passes.

[astra77]

Honestly i dont know why i bother

 

I post on LS as i WANT to fix my life / M. I told my H to do the same as I found the replies honest and helpful. My H knows my user name and is free to post and read as he pleases and he does so.

 

I fu**ed up, now i am paying for it. While i realise that each person has there own opinion, suggesting to someone who is emotionally fragile to sleep with someone else is disgusting, sick and quite frankly, the anger here is evident. No one but my H has to live with me, you do not know me personally, you only know me from what I have posted here. You are not privy to private discussions between myself and H. You do not know my thoughts, fears, regrets etc. You are not a part of my life.

 

Speak as you will, but realise that what YOU say can damage other people. If you are bitter or disguted at me, good for you, there are obviously issues you need to sort out.

 

I just cant believe my H has to listen to this BS when i told him how lovely the posters are here. YOU ought to be ashamed. As i said before, DONT POST HERE AGAIN. I think it may be time to give LS the flick and fu*k off this BS here in cyber space.

 

MORONS

[porter218]

Honestly i dont know why i bother

 

I post on LS as i WANT to fix my life / M. I told my H to do the same as I found the replies honest and helpful. My H knows my user name and is free to post and read as he pleases and he does so.

 

I fu**ed up, now i am paying for it. While i realise that each person has there own opinion, suggesting to someone who is emotionally fragile to sleep with someone else is disgusting, sick and quite frankly, the anger here is evident. No one but my H has to live with me, you do not know me personally, you only know me from what I have posted here. You are not privy to private discussions between myself and H. You do not know my thoughts, fears, regrets etc. You are not a part of my life.

 

Speak as you will, but realise that what YOU say can damage other people. If you are bitter or disguted at me, good for you, there are obviously issues you need to sort out.

 

I just cant believe my H has to listen to this BS when i told him how lovely the posters are here. YOU ought to be ashamed. As i said before, DONT POST HERE AGAIN. I think it may be time to give LS the flick and fu*k off this BS here in cyber space.

 

MORONS

Astra... I really wouldn't sweat it if I were you. Any decent person knows two wrongs don't make a right. I am sure your H had enough sense to ignore outrageous advice like that. Don't even waste any time thinking about why they said it.

[crystal_lostheart]

To the both of you,

 

If working your M out is what is BEST for both of you - then don't listen to anyone else. Nobody lives in your shoes and nobody is feeling what you are both feeling day by day.

Every situation is different and at the end of the day - what will be - will just be. I am sure that this is a painful place for both of you to be in no matter who is wrong or right. The fact is you have both decided to work on your M - so go with that and work hard......

I wish you both the very best

[Owl]

BTW - what happened to the "nasty posts"

 

More than likely, the posts violated this site's "terms of service". When posts are vulgar, deragotory, or otherwise intended to insult and attack, the mods typically will delete the posts from the thread.

 

Astra and H...I hope that you both get the help and support you need. Marriage counseling, individual counseling... I'm sorry about the attacks and insults that have been hurled here...sadly, its all too common in cyberspace.

 

Hang in there guys...

[bish]

I just wanted to set the record straight on a few things, and maybe stop the utter Bull Sh*t dribbling from a few peoples mouths.

 

The truth is usually seen as "Bull Sh*t" by a cheater. We expect nothing less.

 

 

I'll start by saying that i am sorry that there isnt a happy ending for all BS's, and that the bitter pill you have swallowed is still stuck in your throat. Either swallow the ****ing pill or keep your bitter opinions to yourself

 

Wow, what can I say other than our suspicions about you are now justified. you aren't remorseful. Any cheater who is remorseful would take what the BS's here said with a grain of salt and actually learn something about what your husband is going through.

 

But not you. We know what he is going through, but you don't care and don't want to hear it now do you?

 

 

That said - here are the facts

 

I actually ended the A 2 MONTHS BEFORE I told my H.

 

So?

 

 

I made this decision off my own back, not because H was sniffing for info as he had NONE. I also left my job at that time as xmm was my boss. So as for getting CAUGHT, you are so far from the truth its not funny.

 

Then you are calling your husband a liar. He said you only confessed once he got suspicious. Oh, let us guess, you had planned on telling him all along....him getting suspicious was just a coincidence I suppose?

 

Nice try.

 

 

I was posting here at the time, and trying to find the "right" moment to share this info with my H. It takes alot to confess to your H that you ****ed someone else, and as all BS's would know, not a very nice thing to find out. I wanted to proceed with caution and try to soften the blow. H had no evidence whatsoever, only a gut feeling.

 

H asked a few questions the night before, and although I did not confess there and then, I also did not get caught with my undies around my ankles ****ing the MM. The truth was eventually going to come out and i knew it so therefore i was always going to tell my H, but was working up the courage to do so. I told the next day.

 

EXACTLY, the truth was going to come out eventually, which was the only reason you came clean after your husband got suspicious.

 

But its a moot point really, what difference does it make that you came clean? Are you looking for brownie points?

 

 

As for whether or not H decides to stay, that is up to him. I could have chosen the easy way out and decided to leave my H, but i chose the hard way, and have decided to try to make this up to my H and make our M work.

 

As for telling my H to cheat on me - real mature, well done. Did no one ever tell you two wrongs dont make a right.

 

I wouldn't tell anyone to cheat, but I would insinuate the idea to get someone to see the other side. Apparantly you don't like the idea too much do you? And your reaction is just what I would have expected from you.

 

 

And my H knows how easy it is to fall into an A coz he almost had one with a co worker AFTER he found out about my A

 

I'd say it is only easy to fall into an affair when there is no other infidelity in the M if someone is weak.

 

I'd say being vulnerable to and affair after you had already had one would be perfectly natural. but if your H is worth his salt, he will not and would not seriously entertain the idea.

 

so he can see how someone like my xmm can emotionally manipulate a situation - H had no idea that this OW may have been a potential A partner.

 

You forget that his situation is much different than yours. 1) he didn't actually cheat, and 2) you had an affair on him which damaged him severely. Of course he can see how it can happen AFTER you screwed him over.

 

 

As everyone can see, my H is hurting, he is in deep pain and looking for ADVICE on how to deal with this. He doesnt need cock heads bad mouthing me and telling him to cheat on me. I own the part i played in the A, but when someone is keeping you in the dark and feeding you bull ****...........

 

I don't suggest that he does cheat on you. I'd never suggest that because I wouldn't want him to lower himself to your level.

 

but its awful funny how you can cheat, but are all up in arms about the possibility that he might. Getting a taste of your own medicine here it seems without him actually cheating on you.

 

And I gather he is a good man, therefore I don't think he will cheat.

 

but yes, he is looking for advice, and my advice to him is to leave you. If he decides to stay, that is his choice and I wish him well.

 

But in my opinion nothing good can come by staying with a cheater. He may do it for his family and sacrifice his happiness. But for him, inside, he will always wonder what better life there is for him other than to look at the face of someone that he can't trust and that he has to envision spreading her legs for another man.

 

 

Please only respond if you have something useful to say as you are doing more harm than good and we are trying to work on our M and turn a bad situation around.

 

Uh, excuse me, this is your husband's thread...not yours. We have been telling him something useful. You have people telling him things on both sides of the spectrum. We will continue to talk to him and tell him what we believe to be the truth, whether that is to stay with you and work it out, or dump you.

[bish]

Thanks A -

 

Just reading this now with astra - cant believe people are so bitter - dont mean my W either

 

Well your wife's responses are tell tale here. If you don't want to see that and think she is the most wonderful thing on the planet, then why did you come here?

 

If you think that we are all bitter and she is not, then by all means, forgive her and move on. Nothing more to be said. Nothing more needs to be asked.

 

I wish you the best. Been there done that. Good luck my man.

[pelicanpreacher]

The one issue that will be truly difficult to explore is the question of flirting. Who initiated it, why Astra reciprocated to it, and why she didn't shut it down when it became more daring? I've posted before on the stages of an affair but omitted this critical aspect because mild flirting such as compliments on appearance or work performance, in of itself, isn't normally a problem if those involved have no intention of ever allowing it to escalate. If one party to the flirting, however, does harbor intentions of consumating an affair at the onset of the friendship then the motivations behind their actions take on an entirely new light for they'll push the flirtations to gradually become more sexual in order to determine the probability of the relationship's potential for evolving into something more serious. The question that begs, therefore, is what was happening in your marriage during the early stages of their friendship that gave Astra the impetus to sexually flirt and reciprocate to the sexual flirtations of another man?

[bish]

The one issue that will be truly difficult to explore is the question of flirting. Who initiated it, why Astra reciprocated to it, and why she didn't shut it down when it became more daring?

 

Well that one is easy, because she is a cheater.

[Untouchable_Fire]

I just cant believe my H has to listen to this BS when i told him how lovely the posters are here. YOU ought to be ashamed. As i said before, DONT POST HERE AGAIN. I think it may be time to give LS the flick and fu*k off this BS here in cyber space.

MORONS

 

You should trust that your H has the mental ability to seperate the gems from the trash! Do you think he is that stupid? Do you feel like he can't handle other peoples opinions?

 

As far as someone being ashamed... Who has hurt him more than you?

[Darth Vader]

I fu**ed up, now i am paying for it.

 

True Astra77, you are paying for it. However, your husband is paying more.

[Darth Vader]

Please only respond if you have something useful to say as you are doing more harm than good and we are trying to work on our M and turn a bad situation around.

 

She obviously doesn't want her husband to read any truthful responses, in which case, it may give her hubby that A-HA! moment, where he sees what his wife really is, therefore, he'll leave her.

 

So why does she get to call the shots? This is your Thread, Astra's Husband! You can speak for yourself! Sounds like a control tactic to me...........

 

As far as being ashamed of ourselves, NO, we won't! YOU are the one who needs to be ashamed Astra77, after all, you're the one who cheated. Furthermore, telling us that we ought to be ashamed is a BLAME Shifing Tactic! Not gonna work!

[LifesontheUp]

I just cant believe my H has to listen to this BS when i told him how lovely the posters are here. YOU ought to be ashamed. As i said before, DONT POST HERE AGAIN. I think it may be time to give LS the flick and fu*k off this BS here in cyber space.

 

MORONS

 

Wow.........you are full of anger and are coming across as someone who throws their toys out of the pram when things don't go their own way. As a grown up, surely you can see that there will be differing views. There will be those on here that will be disgusted by your behaviour and feel the need to post that fact. I think you feel threatened by some of the posters comments as it may act as a prompt for your husband to reconsider whether to make your marriage work or not. If you can't handle it then perhaps as I already posted, you should leave LS and look at other options i.e. counselling, books.

 

What you need to understand is that there are people here who can sympathise and understand everything your husband is going through. YOU, however will not have any idea how painful, emotionally wrecked a person can be when their loved one cheats on them unless you have been in those shoes.

 

AH - Please take your time over this, you are hurting very badly. Don't let your wife or anyone else push you into anything you may not want to do. This time is for YOU now, your wife had her time when she was in the midst of her affair. I would recommend counselling and some books such as those advertised on survivinginfidelity.com to help you understand better what you are going through.

[bish]

True Astra77, you are paying for it. However, your husband is paying more.

 

Exactly right.