astras hubby Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hello to all the posters on this site. You might remember about my HUGE situation that i'm still having to come to terms with because i want fix our M. Brief short story: My W of 4 Years / Partner for 12 Years,had an A with her MM boss for about 6 months. My W did not get caught, she confessed to me about 2 months ago,after i told her that i had my suspicions at the time of the A. My W posts on the OW/OM forum (astra77)so if you want the story i would imagine you would find it there. After the Atomic bomb had gone off (D-DAY) i told my W that i would stay to work it out with her, because i love her to much to let her go. We have talked about different issues on the subject obviously there are questions i need to/have asked and i have answers to some but not to others,and that is fine with me, cause she did tell me that some questions she is either to ashamed to tell me/or she hasn't got answers for.My W told me that she will answer my questions at a later date when she has the answer.My W has ended the A and is doing NC with MM. We are communicating like we never have done since first seeing each other,so that's a good sign.My W is totally remorseful for what she has done. The last 3 days i've felt sick as anything to the pit of my stomach,i went to the doctors and he said that there is a bad flu going around,BUT the question is to you other posters is i think it has part in what is going on between me & W and our current situation? How do i get over this Mountain?
Owl Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 This is a marathon, not a sprint. Its unreasonable to expect yourself to "get over it" anytime soon at all. Honestly, its going to take a LOT of effort on your part and hers to do this. Marriage counseling can help tremendously here. Pick up the book "Surviving an Affair"...it can help you understand the stages that recovery typically goes through. What your feeling right now is NORMAL, and reasonable. It sucks...I've been there. Right now, you need to work with your counselor and with your wife to get through it. Also...have you considered talking with your doctor about anti-depressants and/or anxiety meds? Its something you may need...there's no comparison to the devestation that you're going through right now. Other than that, you might try deliberately 'changing your focus'...so that instead of focusing on her betrayal of you, you instead focus on how much better your marriage will be after all this communication and changes.
troubadour Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I am sorry to hear that you are not doing well. Unfortunately, there is not much what one could add to Owl's post. I hope you will get better. Reading your post remainded me of something... a few years ago I was dating a woman who was a psychologist practising MC, she was very successful... one of these $250/h, and I remember her saying on several occasions that considering her experience as a MC, she, herself, would be rather very reluctant to go through this "marriage repair" thing after affair. She has never been married so it was just a speculation on her part but she was clearly aware how difficult it is to go through something like this. You may want to send Astra a Thank You card... but after a second thought it may not be such a good idea... she would probably try to interpret it as expression of your gratitude for her "confession"... after all she has a tendency to look at herself as a "victim" in this whole situation.
LakesideDream Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 AH, it does get better. You are suffering physical symtoms of your emotional distress. When my ex "dropped the bomb" on me, I was sick, and couldn't eat for 45 days. My intestines were tied in knots. A half a bowl of pea soup was a huge meal, I usually threw back up. It did subside though. Life eventually went on. I didn't have the chance, or desire to attempt a reconciliation, and had no desire for one. You are a better man than I am ! There was absolutely no way I could consider remaining married to my then wife. Enough was enough. I wish you well, and hope you can get through your trials, whichever way this turns out. Keep posting too, it's very illuminating to see and read both sides of the story.
Potatocakes Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Ugh lord I know there is a flu going around I'm suffering too. I'm sorry this happened to you but you got lucky with her wanting to work it out too and doing what she can to get you answers. Most A's end in getting caught and lying to cover it up followed by the W/H acting like they dont care about the marriage anymore.
couchmonkey Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Depression can greatly reduce the efficiency of one's immune system. Take it easy and don't expect yourself to be over the situation right away. If you put that pressure on yourself then you will only feel guilty about its impossibility. There is no miracle cure for betrayal.
bish Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hello to all the posters on this site. You might remember about my HUGE situation that i'm still having to come to terms with because i want fix our M. Why? Brief short story: My W of 4 Years / Partner for 12 Years,had an A with her MM boss for about 6 months. My W did not get caught, she confessed to me about 2 months ago,after i told her that i had my suspicions at the time of the A. Actually she did get caught. She wasn't going to tell you anything until you grilled her for information. It was your suspicions that brought it to light. She didn't just come to you out of the blue and tell you she was having an affair, you had to get that info out of her. My W posts on the OW/OM forum (astra77)so if you want the story i would imagine you would find it there. After the Atomic bomb had gone off (D-DAY) i told my W that i would stay to work it out with her, because i love her to much to let her go. We have talked about different issues on the subject obviously there are questions i need to/have asked and i have answers to some but not to others,and that is fine with me, cause she did tell me that some questions she is either to ashamed to tell me/or she hasn't got answers for.My W told me that she will answer my questions at a later date when she has the answer. What a load of crap. She has the answers, she is just to chicken to give you the details you are looking for. My W has ended the A and is doing NC with MM. We are communicating like we never have done since first seeing each other,so that's a good sign.My W is totally remorseful for what she has done. Maybe she is, and maybe she isn't. You'll never really know. They all seem remorseful if they think they have something to lose. The last 3 days i've felt sick as anything to the pit of my stomach,i went to the doctors and he said that there is a bad flu going around,BUT the question is to you other posters is i think it has part in what is going on between me & W and our current situation? How do i get over this Mountain? I can only tell you how I got over that "mountain"......I got rid of her. Now if you want to work it out for whatever reason, then that is your decision. Just make sure you do it for the right reasons. Only reason to stay with her is because you want HER. After I found out what my xW did, I didn't want her. I tried, but in the end, I couldn't even look at her without disgust. Then I tried staying because I didn't want to break up my kids home. But I realized....I didn't do that.....she did. The feelings you are having, I am sure, will fade over time, but never completely in my opinion. You may not have that pit in your stomach feeling, but what she did to you will come back to haunt you from time to time and you will look at her for a brief amount of time with at least some sort of resentment. Question is, do you want that? Are you willing to settle for a cheater?
pelicanpreacher Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 1st thing's first is your health. Lose your health and you may lose all that you are, were, or ever will be. Right now, a little selfishness is in order so begin devoting more time to yourself in activities that will give you some momentary distraction from constantly grappling with this situation. Activities I would suggest would be those that require physical excertion in the fresh air and sunshine! If all work and no play make Jack a dull boy then endlessly anguished thoughts mulling heartache make Jack a sick boy! When you find yourself alone in contemplation only give yourself a specified period of time on which to dwell on the subject before you require yourself to do something else so plan your day to accomodate this requirement and you won't be easily overwhelmed at any given point in time. Vary your times and intentions set for contemplation with thinking on what you want from your marriage, reading to expand your horizons on relationships, posting here to vent your feelings, and voicing ideas and questions that need to be discussed with Astra. This way you don't get into a rut and lose heart in your progress. All said though, not withstanding, it will be time that serves you best for time heals all wounds. Good luck!
Darth Vader Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 So she didn't just come out and confess out of choice. If you had suspicions, she was in a sense "caught". Only reason she confessed is because you came to her first about it and she initially denied it. She now knew you were aware that something was going on. So she doesn't get any "credit" for coming clean as far as I'm concerned with regards to her coming to you about it unsolicited. She knew you were on to something and that it was a matter of time before you knew for sure. Otherwise the affair would probably still be going on. I must agree with Bish on this! The A probably would still be going on right now if you hadn't suspected! Why did she do this to you, and how? Because she wanted to, she didn't care at all about how much it would destroy you, she just wanted to ride another man. She'll probably tell you that the sex was way better with OM, eventually. I say that, because I know you've been thinking that, you've probably even thought if it's been in done your bed. Unfortunately the memory of her A will never go away, it may fade, but, it will always be there. I hope you don't have children with her, because many will tell you to get away from this woman, including me. If you do have children, she cheated on them as well. You need to get checked for STD's as well, that's another thing you can thank your wife for, is her exposing you to possible STD's! You know, Astra's Husband, you don't have to stay married to this woman, even if you decide to try to work on the marriage, (if you want to call it that), then later change your mind about staying, you can always Divorce her, just make darn sure that you get a really good Divorce Lawyer, otherwise she may make you pay for her Affair. Protect your assets!
troubadour Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Actually, Astra77 claims that she has been manipulated into tha affair by her ex-MM... just another inocent victim... how can we all fail to recognize that? Shame on us...
Darth Vader Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Actually, Astra77 claims that she has been manipulated into tha affair by her ex-MM... just another inocent victim... how can we all fail to recognize that? Shame on us... 'Holds finger like Dr. Evil': RRIIGHT!!!!!! She had a choice to do what she she did, no one forces you to do anything!
Author astras hubby Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Actually, Astra77 claims that she has been manipulated into tha affair by her ex-MM... just another inocent victim... how can we all fail to recognize that? Shame on us... Well when she confessed to me about the A,she told me at the time she was brain - washed because she was depressed at the time she was obviously not thinking straight. At the time (of the A) things were happening in our M that i can only describe to you all, out of character for both of us.My W had suspicions of me cheating on her before she went and confided in this fu@#ing goose. Looking back at it her MM boss and what he did was take my identity because he brain - washed her, he started to say stuff to her that sounded like what i would say to her.
Author astras hubby Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 Depression can greatly reduce the efficiency of one's immune system. Take it easy and don't expect yourself to be over the situation right away. If you put that pressure on yourself then you will only feel guilty about its impossibility. There is no miracle cure for betrayal. Thank you for that bit of advice i will take it on board.I think that's what i need to do
Author astras hubby Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 AH, it does get better. You are suffering physical symtoms of your emotional distress. When my ex "dropped the bomb" on me, I was sick, and couldn't eat for 45 days. My intestines were tied in knots. A half a bowl of pea soup was a huge meal, I usually threw back up. It did subside though. Life eventually went on. I didn't have the chance, or desire to attempt a reconciliation, and had no desire for one. You are a better man than I am ! There was absolutely no way I could consider remaining married to my then wife. Enough was enough. I wish you well, and hope you can get through your trials, whichever way this turns out. Keep posting too, it's very illuminating to see and read both sides of the story. Hello Lakesidedream, Today is a ok day for me,i only eat once a day that is usually tea time for me i know this isn't healthy at all,i have the feeling of being sick but i don't bring it back up. Everyone is different i believe strongly that if you want something so bad you will fight for it,and for me this is a time to stand up a fight for my M, it is so important to me to do this. I will keep posting here LSD cause i'm not out of the dark place i'm in at the moment,improving slowly i can just hope and pray that i make the right decision in the end.
Author astras hubby Posted August 31, 2008 Author Posted August 31, 2008 This is a marathon, not a sprint. Its unreasonable to expect yourself to "get over it" anytime soon at all. Honestly, its going to take a LOT of effort on your part and hers to do this. Marriage counseling can help tremendously here. Pick up the book "Surviving an Affair"...it can help you understand the stages that recovery typically goes through. What your feeling right now is NORMAL, and reasonable. It sucks...I've been there. Right now, you need to work with your counselor and with your wife to get through it. Also...have you considered talking with your doctor about anti-depressants and/or anxiety meds? Its something you may need...there's no comparison to the devestation that you're going through right now. Other than that, you might try deliberately 'changing your focus'...so that instead of focusing on her betrayal of you, you instead focus on how much better your marriage will be after all this communication and changes. Hello Owl, Thank you for telling me about going to the doctor's about anti - depressant's/anxiety meds,will keep that one on the back burner/didn't think of that. I like the idea of 'changing my focus'...that's a good one i will try this and see what happens.I know we both can do this(work on M)and hopfully be together at the end. I understand that it is a marathon and not a sprint,i'm just not making sense at the moment can't think straight. Thank you for your advice muchly appreciated
LakesideDream Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Things will get better. Time cures all. Have you decided what you are going to do? My decision was instant. As soon as I found out my ex was / had been inviting another man to penetrate her body (amoungst other things) I had no desire for her whatsoever. My agnst was over the betrayal, and the HUGE hole that she had blown in my life. Everything changed that day, everything. Your moderated response may be your attempt to keep that from happening. It wasn't in me.. best of luck if forgiveness is inside you. If it is, I hope the ability to push aside what you have experianced follows.
Lizzie60 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hello to all the posters on this site. You might remember about my HUGE situation that i'm still having to come to terms with because i want fix our M. Brief short story: My W of 4 Years / Partner for 12 Years,had an A with her MM boss for about 6 months. My W did not get caught, she confessed to me about 2 months ago,after i told her that i had my suspicions at the time of the A. My W posts on the OW/OM forum (astra77)so if you want the story i would imagine you would find it there. After the Atomic bomb had gone off (D-DAY) i told my W that i would stay to work it out with her, because i love her to much to let her go. We have talked about different issues on the subject obviously there are questions i need to/have asked and i have answers to some but not to others,and that is fine with me, cause she did tell me that some questions she is either to ashamed to tell me/or she hasn't got answers for.My W told me that she will answer my questions at a later date when she has the answer.My W has ended the A and is doing NC with MM. We are communicating like we never have done since first seeing each other,so that's a good sign.My W is totally remorseful for what she has done. The last 3 days i've felt sick as anything to the pit of my stomach,i went to the doctors and he said that there is a bad flu going around,BUT the question is to you other posters is i think it has part in what is going on between me & W and our current situation? How do i get over this Mountain? I would think that the doctor knows what he's talking about.. if you don't believe what he has to say.. why bother... This is not the end of the world.. a lot of people cheat ... From your post, it seems better now than it was.. she is remorseful, you are both ready to work it out.. then you need to forgive her and move on with your M. You're not the first, and certainly not the last... in some M, it even helped to bring the partners closer.. So it's YOUR choice.. to live with this physical/psychological pain or to forgive and forget and be happy.. (with some help)..
pelicanpreacher Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 AH, did you fully disclose the emotional stress that you were dealing with when you went to the doctor?
Author astras hubby Posted September 1, 2008 Author Posted September 1, 2008 AH, did you fully disclose the emotional stress that you were dealing with when you went to the doctor? Hello PP, When i went to the doctor's the other day, i got sidetracked with work and forgot to tell him about the issues i have.I won't forget next time to ask him.
soda Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Hello to all the posters on this site. My W did not get caught, she confessed to me about 2 months ago,after i told her that i had my suspicions at the time of the A. Actually, she DID get caught. If you had enough evidence to confront her about it, she didn't make the decision to confess. She realized that her cover was being blown and decided to throw in the towel. Anyway, I suppose that really doesn't matter...
soda Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Things will get better. Time cures all. Have you decided what you are going to do? My decision was instant. As soon as I found out my ex was / had been inviting another man to penetrate her body (amoungst other things) I had no desire for her whatsoever. My agnst was over the betrayal, and the HUGE hole that she had blown in my life. Everything changed that day, everything. Your moderated response may be your attempt to keep that from happening. It wasn't in me.. best of luck if forgiveness is inside you. If it is, I hope the ability to push aside what you have experianced follows. Astra's hubby -- you may decide to work things out, but you also need to understand that you don't HAVE to. Relationships are about costs and benefits, and the decision you have to make is whether the betrayal is a cost that you can live with. If it is, then you need to continue to repair the marriage. That seems to be what you want to do, and I hope that you're successful. However, you do not need to settle for having your W tell you that she's too ashamed to answer your questions. If you need those answers in order to move on with repairing the marriage, then you need to tell her that she needs to be forthright and honest immediately if she wants any hope of repairing the trust that she threw away. You may not be happy with the honest answers. In fact, I suspect that your W fears that the truth may make you change your mind about the marriage. This is something that she should have thought about before she betrayed you. She danced -- now she needs to pay the piper. She needs to communicate and own her mistakes. Her "remorse" seems too conditional and too guarded right now. You don't have to settle for what she's willing to talk about. Her crap about being brainwashed is just silly. Nobody is forced to cheat. She chose to.
astra77 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I just wanted to set the record straight on a few things, and maybe stop the utter Bull Sh*t dribbling from a few peoples mouths. I'll start by saying that i am sorry that there isnt a happy ending for all BS's, and that the bitter pill you have swallowed is still stuck in your throat. Either swallow the ****ing pill or keep your bitter opinions to yourself That said - here are the facts I actually ended the A 2 MONTHS BEFORE I told my H. I made this decision off my own back, not because H was sniffing for info as he had NONE. I also left my job at that time as xmm was my boss. So as for getting CAUGHT, you are so far from the truth its not funny. I was posting here at the time, and trying to find the "right" moment to share this info with my H. It takes alot to confess to your H that you ****ed someone else, and as all BS's would know, not a very nice thing to find out. I wanted to proceed with caution and try to soften the blow. H had no evidence whatsoever, only a gut feeling. H asked a few questions the night before, and although I did not confess there and then, I also did not get caught with my undies around my ankles ****ing the MM. The truth was eventually going to come out and i knew it so therefore i was always going to tell my H, but was working up the courage to do so. I told the next day. As for whether or not H decides to stay, that is up to him. I could have chosen the easy way out and decided to leave my H, but i chose the hard way, and have decided to try to make this up to my H and make our M work. As for telling my H to cheat on me - real mature, well done. Did no one ever tell you two wrongs dont make a right. And my H knows how easy it is to fall into an A coz he almost had one with a co worker AFTER he found out about my A, so he can see how someone like my xmm can emotionally manipulate a situation - H had no idea that this OW may have been a potential A partner. As everyone can see, my H is hurting, he is in deep pain and looking for ADVICE on how to deal with this. He doesnt need cock heads bad mouthing me and telling him to cheat on me. I own the part i played in the A, but when someone is keeping you in the dark and feeding you bull ****........... Please only respond if you have something useful to say as you are doing more harm than good and we are trying to work on our M and turn a bad situation around.
astra77 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 i wont buy into your bitterness huny, you obviously had someone screw you over as i did to my H - but the difference being i cared enough to stick around until H works through this. if you are scared of me, good, if you are jealous im sorry, but telling my H to f*ck someone else is sick sick sick.
astra77 Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 Just coz you havent changed your ways sweetie doesnt mean that others like me cant change, Jealousy is a curse and idle hands are the devils playground. You have unresolved issues that you need to work on. Dont crap on to my H just coz you are still cut at the person that screwd you over. Telling a BS to cheat is disgusting, you are a very sad person and i feel sorry for you, you need help. Dont mean that to sound harsh, but your advice is poor. Your bitterness is not welcome here anyway, so goodbye.
Adunaphel Posted September 1, 2008 Posted September 1, 2008 I have a suggestion for both: avoid posting on LS together. You risk to get too focused on what other people think about the situation than on the way to working through it, and it is possible that a number of people will side with either of you instead ofsiding with *both* of you as a couple and help you sort your issues. Also, if either of you gets personal, or has a fight with another poster, it might result in a fight between yourselves, and add more stress than you need to the situation. Good luck to both.
Recommended Posts