When hope dies

[mistresswchildren]

Why is it that I cannot let go. This man is a horrible person. He has hurt his wife, his children, and me. He has cared about no one except himself, and yet it will always hurt. I have dedicated four years of my life to a man that can love no one. I know that he does not love his wife. I know that he does not love me. I know that he does not love his children. So, why? Why do I care? Why does it hurt so bad sometimes that breathing is problematic. I honestly do not believe that I will ever get over this because I have never received closure. We have never had that conversation. Don't get me wrong, his actions say it all, but I need to hear the words. I need him to tell me that he never loved me. I need him to tell me that I was just a play toy. I need him to tell me that he got an ego boost off of the whole thing. I NEED THIS! I don't know why exactly, but I think part of it is because I want the assurance that he will not attempt to come back into my life. I want to know that I will never have to wrestle with these emotions again. He has put me through so much that I should hate him, but I don't. I can't hate him. I don't know why. I just want to know that should he get bored or complacent again, that he will not contact me and throw my whole world into upheaval once again. It would be easy for him to do considering we have two children together.

 

Have any of you had your relationship end without an official ending? No note, no letter, no conversation? I just need to know how do you deal with it without real closure? I don't know that I will ever get it. He had been e-mailing me non-stop. I hadn't been responding. I was waiting until we had the chance to really talk. He was in Iraq, so it was impossible for us to really talk until he came home. Now that he has come home, all of the sweet e-mails have stopped. All of the wonderful plans that he was making for a future with our children have ended. I can't take it. Has anyone needed closure this badly? I know that most of you will say that it is over because "actions speak louder than words," but he has done things like this before and he has always shown back up. I am not strong enough to keep him away from me. I am not strong enough to stand up to him. He has manipulated me so much, that now I am putty in his hands. I hate this. I was never this person. I will NEVER get over this. I will ALWAYS love him, and that bothers me even more. Why does my heart choose to love someone so undeserving?

[LakesideDream]

MWC, you've come a long way in the past months. Now you are drawing the "closure card" like a sword and flailing around. What gives?

 

There is no such thing as "closure". It's a made up idea and a made up word. Nobody ever heard it or said it before Oprah.

 

My suggestion is forget it. Just put on your big girl panties and keep doing what you have to do to make it through each day.

[NoIDidn't]

I have had a relationship end without so much as a word to me.

 

And it hurt.

 

But when I look back on that time, I realize that I was the only one thinking that there was even a *we* to begin with.

 

There was no *us*. It was what it was. And it was then over.

 

That said.

 

You will get over it. If you allow yourself to move through the necessary stages. It will take time. It will be hard work.

 

I am sure that you are up for the job.

 

(((mwc)))

[jj33]

MWC I am sorry you are in such pain. As you say this man manipulates you, his W and everyone around him. You may never get closure from this man even if you speak to him, which you will either in court or otherwise, it is unlikely you will get the finality that you seek from him.

 

What you need is to give yourself the closure. Look at your words. You dont believe he loves anyone other than himself. You have the ability to reframe this situation in the way that suits you best the way that makes it easiest to move on for you and your children. The pain is enormous. The fear sound enormous with everything you are facing at the moment.

 

I am sure he loved you and may still. You sound like an incredible woman. But the fact that someone loves you or loved you doesnt really matter when they arent doing the right thing in the here and now. He is not doing the right thing for you or for your children. So even if he loved you more than life itself - its not enough. You need medical insurance for the children, you need child support, the list is endless. These are survival issues you are facing.

 

Sometimes we focus on the other things because the big survival issues are so much scarier and it would just feel so much better if the person we loved were there to go through it with us.

 

Sadly he is not. But you have your children to be strong for even if you cant see a way to being strong for yourself at the moment.

 

I cant imagine how difficult this must be for you. I hope tomorrow is a better day.

[Jilly Bean]

I think what might help is to acknowledge your own role in this affair. You seem to blame him for everything, yet you obviously willingly entered this relationship and allowed it to continue.

 

I really think if you stop making him entirely culpable for things that also happened because of your actions, you will be able to let go.

 

Take responsibility for what you contributed, and I think that will help you in putting it behind you. BUT, I think if you continue to make him 100% at fault, it will keep you superglued to the anger.

[mistresswchildren]

MWC, you've come a long way in the past months. Now you are drawing the "closure card" like a sword and flailing around. What gives?

 

There is no such thing as "closure". It's a made up idea and a made up word. Nobody ever heard it or said it before Oprah.

 

My suggestion is forget it. Just put on your big girl panties and keep doing what you have to do to make it through each day.

 

I don't know what it is Lake. I can't explain it. I have no idea what is going on with me. All of a sudden I feel like I cannot make it without talking to him that one last time. It just hurts so badly. I want an explanation. I want to know why he decided to do this not only to me, but to his wife. I want to know why he tried to continue a relationship. I just want to know. Having no answers makes me crazy. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I like things in little boxes, and I might not get that this time, but I sure as hell have to try for it. I don't know how to just forget it. I look at my kids every day, and I remember EVERYTHING. I remember the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. I cannot forget. I cannot get over it. I am fixated on it, and I do not have a clue as to why.

[mistresswchildren]

I think what might help is to acknowledge your own role in this affair. You seem to blame him for everything, yet you obviously willingly entered this relationship and allowed it to continue.

 

I really think if you stop making him entirely culpable for things that also happened because of your actions, you will be able to let go.

 

Take responsibility for what you contributed, and I think that will help you in putting it behind you. BUT, I think if you continue to make him 100% at fault, it will keep you superglued to the anger.

 

While I appreciate what you are saying, you have not read any of my other posts. I take full responsibility for my actions. I actually have been told by others to stop blaming myself. That said, a lot of this is HIS fault. I tried to end it years ago. I tried to get him out of my life. He manipulated the situation so that we had to see each other. He manipulated me like his little puppet. I have been emotionally abused by this man, and I now do not have the strength to stand up to him. I never said he was 100% at fault. I placed myself in this situation. I made some really bad choices. Now, I have to deal with them myself. Please, don't think that I don't take responsibility because if that were the case, he would be the one taking care of my children. I would be the one off galavanting and having whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. Trust me, I feel more responsibility for all of this than he will ever feel. I just want to set the story straight.

[bentnotbroken]

You won't move on until you forgive him and yourself, that is if you are wanting to move on and not look back.

[Jilly Bean]

a lot of this is HIS fault. I tried to end it years ago. I tried to get him out of my life. He manipulated the situation so that we had to see each other. He manipulated me...

 

I understand, hon. But when I read this, it still tells me that most of your anger seems displaced. You make yourself out to be purely victimized, and you seem too intelligent and together for me to believe that (see what being a strong woman will getcha? lol).

 

I still think if you stopped blaming him for this, then you would be able to take back your power and begin your healing. Until then, unless you realize much of your anger is still really at yourself for your role, then you will unfulfilled and seeking closure that has nothing to do with him, and more to do with you making peace with yourself and releasing YOURSELF from the blame.

[NoIDidn't]

I understand, hon. But when I read this, it still tells me that most of your anger seems displaced. You make yourself out to be purely victimized, and you seem too intelligent and together for me to believe that (see what being a strong woman will getcha? lol).

 

I still think if you stopped blaming him for this, then you would be able to take back your power and begin your healing. Until then, unless you realize much of your anger is still really at yourself for your role, then you will unfulfilled and seeking closure that has nothing to do with him, and more to do with you making peace with yourself and releasing YOURSELF from the blame.

 

I agree with Jilly.

 

It sounds like you are still thinking that you have to have him as an active father to your children and that the disappointment that its not going to happen is eating you alive.

 

You and your children don't have time for the blame game or victimhood. The outlook might not be good right now, but your attitude will determine your aptitude (I know, cliched).

 

Things have only seemed to get worse since he came back stateside. It seems you expected the emails, that you ignored mind you, to continue. Putting yourself into his shoes, would you continue to write someone that ignored you for months? Regardless of their reasons? I wouldn't.

 

Because I am guilty of having put on a strong front when I really was crying inside, I empathize. But now is the time to actually be strong.

[mistresswchildren]

It has everything to do with him being stateside. I know that. I know that part of me is still very angry that he gets to have this great life with all the hope and love in the world, and I have to struggle through what seems like hell. I got all of the scraps in our relationship, and now I get less than scraps. He has everything. He has a home, a family, money. He has everything. He truly is happy. He doesn't lose sleep at night because he hurt my children or me. He doesn't care that someone else's life has been turned upside down because of him. Don't get me wrong, I helped put myself here too, but he doesn't care. It makes me so angry that he sleeps well at night while I toss and turn worrying about how on earth I'm going to make a future for me and my children when the job market is the way it is. I have no idea what to do now. I am hurting, and he does not care. How can someone claim to love another person as much as he has, and then just not give a sh@# in the end. I don't care if he doesn't love me now, I care that if he ever loved me that he would at least call me, which I have asked him to do so that we can close this chapter on what has turned out to be a really crappy book. I don't want him coming back. I want him to say it is over. Once he says it, I can move on, but until I hear it, I will never heal from all of this. I will guarantee you that I will never be able to live my life and be happy until I hear the words from him. It is something that I need, and that I deserve. I have kept his dirty little secret for him when I could have been hateful and vengeful. All I had to do was make one phone call, and his career would be gone, or at least extremely hurt. Now, all I ask is for that closure. I don't think it is too much to ask. I know this has a lot to do with jealousy. I know that it has everything to do with the fact that he came out smelling of roses while I am left to shovel the sh@#. That is just how I feel. I won't ever get over this, I know that as sure as I know that I need air to breathe.

[signedin2008]

I want him to say it is over. Once he says it, I can move on, but until I hear it, I will never heal from all of this. I will guarantee you that I will never be able to live my life and be happy until I hear the words from him.

 

What if he doesn't say it? What if he instead persue you to continue to be his side dish? Even if he dumped his wife to persue you, would you soften your heart and accept him?

 

You said that you can only heal and move on if he said it's over. What if he doesn't, will you be stuck forever? Why are you giving him so much power? Why are you leaving your happiness and your children's well being (for not having a happy mother/primary care giver) in his hands and in his discretion?

[NoIDidn't]

But men generally do not believe that they have to say the words for us to get the picture.

 

A guy will get a woman pregnant and hope she terminates the pregnancy. But in the meantime, go with her to doctor visits and be nice hoping to get the chance to ask her to terminate again and she will take into consideration how nice he's been. Its not rational. I know. And my example has nothing to do with my feelings about your situation. Its just an example of a man's actions that baffles me. I've seen it time and time again.

 

Men have a hard time telling a woman that its over. They feel more comfortable letting us be the ones to say it. And maybe deep down you know that to be the case, but are hoping for something different.

 

I am biased in this, I admit. I don't believe in closure. I don't believe that another person can give it to you. I believe that closure is like forgiveness, I give it for myself, for my own well-being.

 

Take back your control. You don't have to wait for him to say anything to you. What happens if he does say the words in the most hurtful manner that he can think of? Then what? Will you need a new closure for the hurtful one? See where I am going with this?

 

(((mwc)))

[NoIDidn't]

What if he doesn't say it? What if he instead persue you to continue to be his side dish? Even if he dumped his wife to persue you, would you soften your heart and accept him?

 

You said that you can only heal and move on if he said it's over. What if he doesn't, will you be stuck forever? Why are you giving him so much power? Why are you leaving your happiness and your children's well being (for not having a happy mother/primary care giver) in his hands and in his discretion?

 

I hit submit for my post and then saw yours. Funny we wrote similar things not knowing that the other was posting.

 

MWC, take back your power. Don't let him manipulate you. Don't wait for him to say the right things to get you back into the wrong situation again. Get what your children need from him and nothing more. Anything else isn't really necessary.

[wildsoul]

(((MWC)))

 

My first thought was, yeah, I've lost people in my life w/o getting closure. They died. It's just a fact of life that we have to be able to get closure ourselves, without needing the other person to do anything. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand wanting it. But in this case, since he's so far out of the picture, have you thought about trying to heal yourself as if he were dead? Morbid, but I'm serious. What would you do if he was dead? How would you go about grieving/healing then? Do it!

 

Are you familiar with Elizabeth Kuhbler Ross' book "Death and Dying"? She created the "5 stages of grief" model. I find it handy. The stages don't always go in a linear order, and you can cycle through different ones again and again. It sounds like you're starting to hit your angry phase.

 

Here's a link to some therapist's website who has the 5 Stages of Grief online.

 

What you're going through is part of the grieving process.

[beautifullove]

My relationship ended abruptly - didn't see it coming. The last time I saw him, everything was normal. After leaving me to go to his W relatives funeral, he called and said "Im not coming back." He randomly called for a few days, giving me bits and pieces of info. and talking s**t, but gave me no definite reason/answers. He led me to believe he was on his own, when in actual fact I found out he had gone back to his W. She eventually texts me to tell me that he came back on his own. It has been nearly two months, and I'm still in shock but getting along in life. It's tough, because of everything I have been through with him. I'm angry at him and at myself. When I first met him he was separated and soooo damn sure it was over. She was in another state at the time. I questioned him about his kids, about her, and he gave me what seemed to be honest and deeply thought of answers that eventually helped me to lay my concerns/fears to sleep, and so we pursued a deeply fulfilling R when it came to him and I, but when it came to her it was pure drama - she didn't want to let go, although ONE of the reasons why he left was because after 14 years of them being together she told him that she never really loved him. BUT when he met me, she REALIZED she loved him...wtf. I want to erase him from my memory, because it hurts me too much to think that he treated me this way.

[whichwayisup]

Sweets, you need to put this to rest and get some help. If you can't let go of the anger and pain, it'll only make you bitter and unhappy for a long time. Your kids need you and for their sake, you HAVE to want to let this go and move on. Forgive yourself, make your own closure. Accept that bad choices were made, some things were handled badly and HE isn't going to help you get the closure you need and want. You can only do that by closing this chapter in your life - As much as you can seeing as he's still their father.

[LakesideDream]

I don't know what it is Lake. I can't explain it. I have no idea what is going on with me. All of a sudden I feel like I cannot make it without talking to him that one last time. It just hurts so badly. I want an explanation. I want to know why he decided to do this not only to me, but to his wife. I want to know why he tried to continue a relationship. I just want to know. Having no answers makes me crazy. I cannot wrap my mind around it. I like things in little boxes, and I might not get that this time, but I sure as hell have to try for it. I don't know how to just forget it. I look at my kids every day, and I remember EVERYTHING. I remember the good, the bad, and the ugly of it all. I cannot forget. I cannot get over it. I am fixated on it, and I do not have a clue as to why.

 

 

MistressWithCillins... Remember good old Mom and Dad's lesson... "When you say you can't do something, you never will"? It's true. Saying you "can't" is a self fulfilling prophesy. The whole point of "fake it 'till you make it" is to defeat the "I can't" syndrome. You Can MWC, and you must.

 

You have lots of support here.. use it. Use any support you have in the "real world". Again, there is no such thing as closure. Broken relationships very seldom have "happy endings". Leave it to Beaver was a T.V. Show.

 

It's going to get better, I promise it will..... take it from someone who "knows". I've never had a bit of "closure" in my life. Didn't expect any, wouldn't have known how to feel if it had happened. I did/do have my pride and dignity. That can't be taken away from me, I have to give it away, something I won't do.

 

Good luck, I'm just a PM away if you need to chat.

[Owl]

I know that part of me is still very angry that he gets to have this great life with all the hope and love in the world, and I have to struggle through what seems like hell. I got all of the scraps in our relationship, and now I get less than scraps. He has everything. He has a home, a family, money. He has everything. He truly is happy. He doesn't lose sleep at night because he hurt my children or me. He doesn't care that someone else's life has been turned upside down because of him. Don't get me wrong, I helped put myself here too, but he doesn't care. It makes me so angry that he sleeps well at night while I toss and turn worrying about how on earth I'm going to make a future for me and my children when the job market is the way it is. I have no idea what to do now. I am hurting, and he does not care.

 

I think here is the true "bottom line" of it all.

 

You're hurting, he's not, and you're focusing on how unfair that is.

 

MWC, I mean you no ill will at all.

 

But if you were my daughter, I'd tell you that you know darned well that life isn't fair. Whining and complaining about how unfair it all is doesn't solve anything.

 

If you want to recover...if you want to be a whole, healthy human being...then STOP comparing your situation to his.

 

HE'S OUT OF YOUR LIFE.

 

That's how its supposed to be. He's married to someone else.

 

How fair or unfair this all turned out doesn't CHANGE anything.

 

Rubbing his nose in that won't CHANGE anything.

 

Stop focusing on the 'past that was', and the future 'might have beens'...start focusing on the 'what is right now'.

 

Whether or not he's worried about bills or anything else isn't your concern. That's his, and his wife's.

 

Instead, focus on your wonderful life with YOUR children (not his, YOURS)...and deal with what's in front of you instead.

[jj33]

It has everything to do with him being stateside. I know that. I know that part of me is still very angry that he gets to have this great life with all the hope and love in the world, and I have to struggle through what seems like hell. I got all of the scraps in our relationship, and now I get less than scraps. He has everything. He has a home, a family, money. He has everything. He truly is happy. He doesn't lose sleep at night because he hurt my children or me. He doesn't care that someone else's life has been turned upside down because of him. Don't get me wrong, I helped put myself here too, but he doesn't care. It makes me so angry that he sleeps well at night while I toss and turn worrying about how on earth I'm going to make a future for me and my children when the job market is the way it is. I have no idea what to do now. I am hurting, and he does not care. How can someone claim to love another person as much as he has, and then just not give a sh@# in the end. I don't care if he doesn't love me now, I care that if he ever loved me that he would at least call me, which I have asked him to do so that we can close this chapter on what has turned out to be a really crappy book. I don't want him coming back. I want him to say it is over. Once he says it, I can move on, but until I hear it, I will never heal from all of this. I will guarantee you that I will never be able to live my life and be happy until I hear the words from him. It is something that I need, and that I deserve. I have kept his dirty little secret for him when I could have been hateful and vengeful. All I had to do was make one phone call, and his career would be gone, or at least extremely hurt. Now, all I ask is for that closure. I don't think it is too much to ask. I know this has a lot to do with jealousy. I know that it has everything to do with the fact that he came out smelling of roses while I am left to shovel the sh@#. That is just how I feel. I won't ever get over this, I know that as sure as I know that I need air to breathe.

 

MWC - you have the power to say its over. Its really hard to be the one to say it when you feel like you do but you can do it.

 

You say he has abused you emotionally and you cant get over it. But you have the power to say this happened in the past, but enough is enough. I am standing up for myself now.

 

You are not his dirty little secret anymore. You are going to court if you have to so you can get medical insurance and child support.

 

More important are there any community services where you can get free counseling?

[Dark-N-Romantic]

I hope you find your strength again. This is what affairs are. They are not nice from anyone's perspective. You have to know you deserve better for yourself, it is not him. Your happiness was not because of him, but because you wanted to be happy. No married person is good for someone who is single. You deserve someone who will love you and treat you like their one and only, not use you as something to distract him from home. But, you have to know you deserve it. No one can do that for you. You have the strength within you. Yes it will hurt for a time, how long? That depends on you. The moment you realize and accept without thinking about that time when... and really see him for the evil he did and was willing to do, the quicker you will find yourself again. So, yes, cry, feel sad, be angry, it is a necessary process, but know that you are the one who controls your life and you will know you deserve better and that you will find someone who will not use you.

 

Another thing you key to getting over this is taking ownership for your actions. Don't blame only him. Take a look within yourself and find out what you need to do to better yourself. Once you can take true and full ownership and not treat yourself like a victim, but as someone who was as much a victimizer, it will help. Once you take ownership of your actions over this little thing, you can do so for the next thing, and the next thing, and the next, and soon you will not allow yourself to play such games with yourself or others. And you will feel way more better about yourself.

 

Lastly, you have wonderful children who need their mother. They are now going to look to you to be mother and father and to set them on the right path. They are going to need to grow with you through this. And for as much yourself as for them, you have to find your strength again so they can learn from you what to do and not do in relationships. You are going to be that role model. And from here on out is going to define who they handle their relationships when they get older.

 

 

DNR

Gives you a big virtual hug. "It'll be okay. Just have a little faith."

[mistresswchildren]

I hope you find your strength again. This is what affairs are. They are not nice from anyone's perspective. You have to know you deserve better for yourself, it is not him. Your happiness was not because of him, but because you wanted to be happy. No married person is good for someone who is single. You deserve someone who will love you and treat you like their one and only, not use you as something to distract him from home. But, you have to know you deserve it. No one can do that for you. You have the strength within you. Yes it will hurt for a time, how long? That depends on you. The moment you realize and accept without thinking about that time when... and really see him for the evil he did and was willing to do, the quicker you will find yourself again. So, yes, cry, feel sad, be angry, it is a necessary process, but know that you are the one who controls your life and you will know you deserve better and that you will find someone who will not use you.

 

Another thing you key to getting over this is taking ownership for your actions. Don't blame only him. Take a look within yourself and find out what you need to do to better yourself. Once you can take true and full ownership and not treat yourself like a victim, but as someone who was as much a victimizer, it will help. Once you take ownership of your actions over this little thing, you can do so for the next thing, and the next thing, and the next, and soon you will not allow yourself to play such games with yourself or others. And you will feel way more better about yourself.

 

Lastly, you have wonderful children who need their mother. They are now going to look to you to be mother and father and to set them on the right path. They are going to need to grow with you through this. And for as much yourself as for them, you have to find your strength again so they can learn from you what to do and not do in relationships. You are going to be that role model. And from here on out is going to define who they handle their relationships when they get older.

 

 

DNR

Gives you a big virtual hug. "It'll be okay. Just have a little faith."

 

Hey DNR

That was one of the nicest posts I've seen from you. You haven't condemned me, and I really appreciate it. While you have made strong points, and you didn't coddle me, you still were sympathetic. Right now, I'm okay. I go through ups and downs. It's like when you are on a roller coaster, and you think the ride is over, but there is that one last jolt, that one last hump, that I still need to finish. I don't like this ride at all. As far as I'm concerned, it is done, but I still want to hear it from him. I still want him to tell me flat out that he cannot stand me. I want to hear him tell me everything that he found that was wrong with me, so I know just how little he thought about me this whole time. It would make me stronger to hear it. To know that he never really loved me would make it easier for me to never let him show back up again. The problem is that his W is in the service as well. She may possibly deploy while he is left at home alone (with his son), and then what? Their relationship isn't exactly stable, and he is a cheater born. I just hope he doesn't try to get back into my life or my children's lives. The problem is that he is completely unpredictable. He does things like this, and then shows back up like nothing ever happened. It could be years from now, but I know deep in the pit of my stomach that this isn't over. No matter how much I want it to be, it is not over. I just hope when that day comes that I will be willing to slap him in the face and slam the door shut so I can call the police.

[Lucky_One]

It's over if you want it to be.

 

You have the power to end it.

 

But honestly, I don't think you want to. I think that you still have the fairytale in your head, and honey, there is no fairytale ending here.

[NewSunrise]

MWC-

 

Consider this your "meantime" experience. Close your eyes and look into yourself. What do you see?

 

Do you see a woman who is bitter, angry, vengeful, scorned, blameless and forever unhappy?

 

OR

 

Can you see a woman who is just "temporarily" out of sync of who she really is, can be and who means the world to her kids?

 

So you've got TWO options. Choose ONE.

 

1) Continue being angry, bitter, vengeful, blameless, unhappy that can potentially affect your kids emotional well being.

 

OR

 

2) Dust all these ill will feelings off your shoulder, learn from it and "redefine" yourself.

 

Bottom line: Kids define themselves the way their parents define themselves.

 

Read "IN THE MEANTIME" by Anyala Vanzant.

 

I specifically wrote, "close your eyes...." because your eyes are only seeing anger, bitterness, unhappines, ill feelings.

[jj33]

MWC you decide when its over he does not. You have to take back that power. What good will it do to have him tell you how awful you are. None at all. You are challenging him to say that you should give up hope. But lets look at the facts. He is not worth your hope and your dreams.

 

You are angry at yourself for making a bad decision with respect to this man. But you are not alone there. Few people go through life without making mistakes. You need to forgive yourself. NOW. he cant do that for you. He cant help you give up hope. The facts say give up hope. Asking him to make it better by telling you its over is only giving him more power over you.

 

You deserve better. He is not the man you originally thought he was. You made a mistake. We all make mistakes we are human. The sooner you can start to forgive yourself the sooner you can move on.