Agent_99 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I know that the affair can't keep up. There are to many things that have changed since I moved back, one being that our chedules just don't match up. (just to be clear I didn't move back to resume a fulltime PA, I was under the impression that we weren't going to see each other) I'm tired of feeling hurt a couple times a week, but at the same time my heart still jumps a little when I hear her voice or see her. I guess I'm just not committed to NC. I'm still very stuck on the idea that we can be friends. I'm friends with all my ex's, why can't i be friends with this one? It seems that selfishly i'm also not willing to give up my one source of intimate contact, what I mean by that is someone that I can talk about anything with, that doesn't judge, just listens. BUT I am responding and placing personal ads. I am getting involved with the local gay community. I no longer allow myself to be devastated when our plans are broken. I'm not going to be so accomadating(sp?) with my time. I am making plans with friends, not just using them to fill in the time she doesn't have for me. If her and I make plans, I expect her to keep them, or call them tentative, so that if something else comes up I can do that instead. In fact I am meeting a woman on my day off, when normally I leave that day open 'just in case'. And I'm no longer taking my breaks with her at work. People are going to talk if we keep that up, and even though I feel like she has a subconscious desire to get caught, I don't want things to go that way. If she doesn't want to be with her gf I want it to be a conscious choice, not something forced on her with all the drama and chaos that would go with that option. She says that she will not leave her partner, she has always maintained that. It's just that I'm only just accepting that deep in my heart. Because of everything I have went through in the past year (the A only being a smallpart) I haven't trusted my intuition very well. Well I'm listening, and it is saying slow down, get out with others, be her friend, but don't get so wrapped up emotionally anymore. We barely have a physical relationship anymore anyway. Maybe a couple times a month. It is the emotional part that keeps me 'pulled in'. But in refrence to Wildsoul's signature, she is no longer my priority. She is important to me, but not at the top of the list of priorities. ~99 oh and i'm taking up a new hobby too.
jj33 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Good for you and I hope your dates go well. It sounds like you are taking great strides to moving on.
crystal_lostheart Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 She says that she will not leave her partner, she has always maintained that. It's just that I'm only just accepting that deep in my heart. ~99 oh and i'm taking up a new hobby too. At least you know the truth - she won't leave - you need to find a way as hard as it is - to move on - and with someone who has only YOU in their heart Have fun with the new hobby - great idea
norajane Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I guess I'm just not committed to NC. I'm still very stuck on the idea that we can be friends. I'm friends with all my ex's, why can't i be friends with this one? Because of this: my heart still jumps a little when I hear her voice or see her. It's much easier to be friends - genuine friends and not a "pretend you're ok with only being friends" kind of friends - if you have put away that giddy, emotional response to each other. While you're still feeling like that at the sound of her voice, you aren't really ready to have a no-subtext and agenda-free friendship. You also can't be friends because of this: I'm tired of feeling hurt a couple times a week The contact keeps the hurts fresh. You can't heal from your hurts until the new ones stop piling up every week. And until you've FULLY healed, you can't be genuine friends. And until you've fully healed, you probably will find that your dates may be fun, but you're not quite ready to find another relationship because no one will seem particularly appealing. Don't worry - that's part of the healing process. You will feel it again, with someone else. Just give yourself time away, time to yourself. Time works.
wildsoul Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Great attitude! Looks good on you. Give this a try. If you can move on w/o doing NC, great! But also know your own limits. If the troubling symptoms persist, then you'll to have to do NC to heal faster. Keep posting and stay focused on your own healing and building up your life.
Author Agent_99 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Good for you and I hope your dates go well. It sounds like you are taking great strides to moving on. Thanks jj. I'm working on it. Part of this is just me settling in here. In the last 12 months I've divorced moved 3 times, 3 vacations, quit one job, couldn't find another, failed a class due to job that I quit. On top of that I've had the A going too. So this isn't just about me moving on, it's also about me getting my life settled. At least you know the truth - she won't leave - you need to find a way as hard as it is - to move on - and with someone who has only YOU in their heart Have fun with the new hobby - great idea Yes I'm excited about learning to play guitar from my step dad. And yes I've always been grateful that she is honest about that point. Not to say that when I asked her to leave she didn't seriously consider it, but in the end she decided to stay. It's much easier to be friends - genuine friends and not a "pretend you're ok with only being friends" kind of friends - if you have put away that giddy, emotional response to each other. While you're still feeling like that at the sound of her voice, you aren't really ready to have a no-subtext and agenda-free friendship. The contact keeps the hurts fresh. You can't heal from your hurts until the new ones stop piling up every week. And until you've FULLY healed, you can't be genuine friends. And until you've fully healed, you probably will find that your dates may be fun, but you're not quite ready to find another relationship because no one will seem particularly appealing. Don't worry - that's part of the healing process. You will feel it again, with someone else. Just give yourself time away, time to yourself. Time works. I am ready to date. I'm not looking for a serious relationship from the git-go, just some lighthearted fun, meeting new people, expanding my horizons. I think part of this is that our relationship has matured enough that I'm not dying to spend every moment that I can with her. I have my own life that is very seperate from the time I spend with her. Great attitude! Looks good on you. Give this a try. If you can move on w/o doing NC, great! But also know your own limits. If the troubling symptoms persist, then you'll to have to do NC to heal faster. Keep posting and stay focused on your own healing and building up your life. Thanks for that reminder about knowing my limits. I think that last week was the 'crisis' point for me. My emotions have been a lot stabler the last few days, just going to keep up with my plans and taking care of myself, basically the things I've been doing. ~99
astra77 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 A99, you have been on the BIGGEST emotional rollercoaster of your life, M, D, A, and everything in between, its a huge pile of sh*t to deal with. Breath huny, thats all i can say, BREATH a big DEEP breath. You are doing so very well my dear. You need to slow the rollercoaster down, and YES YOU DO HAVE CONTROL. SLOW IT DOWN. You have been through ALOT and you need to go easy on yourself. It is still a daily struggle for me, but in a different way and on a different level. You need to press *CTRL ALT DEL* and restart your mind.
Author Agent_99 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Astra~ That's just it, you hit the nail on the head. I figured out that it's OKAY for me to take a breather, that I don't have to jump just because she found some spare time, whatever. It's not the end of the world that we don't spend several afternoons a week together. I bluecreened last week So now I'm just rebooting with a different program. Doesn't change the fact that I love her, I probably always will. And loving her doesn't change the fact that it's time to start moving on. When I feel my emotions getting high or out of control, I step back and reassess: 1. What happened to make me feel this way and what exactly am I feeling? 2. Is there anything I can do about it directly? 3. Is this me trying to be in 'relationship' mode with her? 4. What can I do to take care of myself right now? These things have mellowed out the anxiety I feel at times. It has also allowed me to be more centered when I am around her. We are both acknowledging that I am moving on. We've both had some jealous moments, but instead of over discussing it, we both just acknowledge and move on. Jealousy over having new things going on outside of each other. I've never been truly jealous of her partner. Just other things that took up time she could have spent with me. She on the other hand is jealous of the other people who have unlimited access to me, or maybe that I have unlimited access to. Wait I'm lying, I've been jealous of her partner. Crud! There have been those moments when I wish I was the one doing one of the 'take care of her' things, or even the one cooking her diner, or doing her laundry for goodness sake, I hate doing laundry. Oh well. The thing is I DO know. If she were to tell me she was leaving her partner I would be ecstatic, and insecure. I would worry that she might go back, I wouldn't worry at first that she would have an affair on me, but a couple years down the road I know that it would come up, she makes a new friend. . . Things between us have cooled some. . . I know they are spending time together. . . I start to wonder if she's lying to me. . . and whether or not she ever did cheat on me, it would scar our relationship. I've ran through scenarios in my head where eventually we could have some sort of open relationship, but I've been there and they don't seem to work well for me. So in the end I would have a couple years of happiness, after the drama of her leaving her relationship is over. Then we would begin to make each other miserable. Instead I can enjoy her company and move on in steps, not one huge NC emotional turmoil. Eventually we can be friends and be able to have something that will always be treasured by both of us. ~99
astra77 Posted August 31, 2008 Posted August 31, 2008 99 Thats all you can do, take baby steps and remember to try and go easy on yourself and thats this will take time. You are heading in the right direction, dont forget that huny.
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