Tess1420 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I found out in January that my husband had been cheating on me for 10 months. We've been married for 14 years and have two children (ages 11 & 9). Our marriage was great for the most part, but had its rocky spots. We lost a daughter at childbirth and I was pushing him to consider adoption of another child, which he didn't want to do. A co-worker set him up with another woman. Because he owns his own business, he would tell me that he had to work out of town and be gone for 3-4 nights a week, leaving me alone with the kids. I was happy to do it, because I thought I was supporting him and his dreams of building his company. He was actually driving an hour away everynight to stay at this womans house. He went to rock concerts with her, stayed at hotels, went to restaurants and movies...bought her gifts. I found this all out after reading text messages when my intuition finally gave in. For the last six months, we have been in marriage therapy, both of us are on anti-depressants, and we are talking more now than we ever have before. He begs me everyday to forgive him and stay with him. He has moved his business into our house, calls and texts me 5-6 times a day, and has begun almost a different person....mostly for the better. What do I do? I came from a divorced family and I don't want to do that to my kids. I still love my husband...but the trust has been mutilated. This woman is NOTHING like me...she has big hair, too much make up...even rides something called a "crotch rocket"??? I'm nothing like that. I want to keep my marriage together, but I don't know how. Will he ever do this again???
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 well, you are doing the marriage counseling! Which is much braver than most wimps on here! But it sounds like some serious damage was DONE!!! Cheating is disgusting! Can I ask how old you both are?
Lizzie60 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Well I say go with your gut feeling.. Methink he could be serious about your M.. he's in MC with you.. now works from home... geezzz if you love him and you want to keep your family together you need to give him a chance.. If you can't trust him.. lock him up... seriously.. give him some slack.. and see where it goes.. just keep your eyes wide opened.. who knows..
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Are you 100% sure that he isn't still talking to her? As long as he is willing to work his tail off to make things right, and work on himself, fix what's broken inside of him, and is willing to do everything possible to regain your love, trust and respect for him again, then give him another chance. BUT, if you find out he's still talking to the OW, either by phone, emails, text, instant messages, or even seeing her, then he needs to get out of the house and suffer some consquences of his choice to cheat on you. Is he doing individual counselling with the marriage counsellor? If not, ask him to do that.
Author Tess1420 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 He was just the kind of man who would constantly talk about how he would never cheat on me...especially when we were first married. In fact, I told a friend at a party last summer that I was certain he would never cheat on me. I was so blown out of the water by this? I know things weren't perfect...but it is so hard to understand how the person you love more than anything, could be the one person who could hurt you the most.
Arise_Serpentor Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 How did the coworker set him up with this woman? What was all that about?! he's always going to be thinking about cheating i bet!
Author Tess1420 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 He gave me the passwords to his verizon cell phone account so that I can see any of the calls and text messages he is making. He also gave me his bank account password for his business so I know where all of his money is going. He is really trying....and I give him credit for that. But I keep having these awful images of them together --- how do I get them out of my head????
Author Tess1420 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 It's another guy he works with - a contractor. Apparently he never talks to this guy anymore. But it was a bunch of these guys little fun thing to do, ...find women who want relationships with married men, and then they all cheat on their wives together. Pretty sick. I can't believe my husband took the bait. And I can't believe it went on for soooooo long!
journey1 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 it will never be the same, never!!!! trust me it happend to me I wasnt married but I was engaged, Cheating is cheating and you will eventually want to get him back,(with cheating on him!) you really will. At some pointyou are going to forgive but you will NEVER forget. He has destroyed you mentally and emotionally and prob physically (you prob can t eat or sleep) Its over whether its now or later. I dont mean to be harsh but 10 months is a entire other ealtionship, did they love each other?? Cheating can be worked on and forgiven but 10 months is another thing and to me its just not right. I am so sorry if I sound mean. I rather you get away now than deal with this again!
Author Tess1420 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 That's what I keep thinking that 10 months is such a long time. Texting and calling each other every day...going to her house. He was with her at least 15 nights a month. I went on two trips with the kids, and he didn't go because he said he had "to work". Now, after I find out, he has suddenly become the husband I always wanted. Totally attentive, caring...he is with me all the time. He does chores around the house, takes care of the kids, ...right now he is at the grocery store with my son because I had a headache when I came home... It's like he is two different people. I've got on websites and even had the idea of a "revenge affair"...but it's just not who I am. I couldn't physically do it. That's why it is so hard for me to understand how he did this??? He said she could have "been a sheep..."... it was just someone who gave him all this attention. I'm so confused. Mostly because when we would fight, I would say, "fine..go find another woman, go be with someone else if I'm so bad,"...etc.... he said he felt like I was pushing him out the door. Maybe I was? But I didn't think he would go???
journey1 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 You didnt push him out the door! He can be trying his hardest but how long is he going to be willing to be mr perfect?? At some point he is going to get sick of living life in redemption. Thats what happened to me and my ex. I put him thru hell for a year and he cheated before we were engaged and it was for 2 months and only one year into our relationship. See that is what I mean, I have doubts that sensitive women like you and I can overcome this??? Keeo trying and keep up the counseling. The affair wasnt about you so dont feel ugly or have self esteem issues.....its about him and his validation! I know you dont want an affair but at some point the Kharma police will get him and you will be faced with a very handsome man and have your own chioce to make. I am telling you Kharma is VERY REAL. Hs best friend was the one who told me and then we had our own fling and that was my ex Kharma getting him! If you can forgove and if he is willing than only you know what is best for you. I wish you all the best and I am truly sorry you are going through this tradgedy!
CaliGuy Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Go to marriagebuilders dot com and also read "Love Must Be Tough" by Dobson. Those are good places to start to fix a marriage where infidelity has lost all trust. I'm sorry this happened to you and I really hope you both can work it out.
nowhereman82 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Didn't read all the replies but sounds like a mid life crisis considering his age. Doesn't excuse anything but explains his understanding of the mistake he has made and it sounds like he has made a real honest effort beyond the normal of what I have read/heard about. Ultimately though your gut will tell you. It's a hard image to drop I am sure.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I don't see how anyone could forgive someone for cheating. Second chances are rare, and most often it comes back to bite you in the derriere for even giving him the opportunity to redeem himself. It's no different from forgiving one's husband for abusing her and then forgiving him because he said he'll never do it again. How is that any different? He abused your trust and played you around like a gullible housewife, while he was out with another woman and having sex with her. Back in the 50s, women couldn't do anything when they found out their H was cheating. They swallowed their pride for the sake of a perfect family. Nowadays, most women wouldn't subject themselves to such treatment, the second they hear their H is cheating, they serve divorce papers on their ass. Marriage counseling is a sham, it's pretty much like psychology for an criminal. Of course there are different types of criminals, but that's comparable to different types of marital problems. Most criminals reform, but for the serious ones, they're likely to land back in jail. Cheating is the same thing, especially one that lasted almost a year. What's there to say he won't cheat again, with another woman? For the sake of your children, what you don't want around them is a father that cheats on and lies to their mother. He might just only be guilty because he doesn't want to his own children to see him as imperfect. Even if you do manage to forgive him, you'll never really forget. Years down the road, it will continue to bother you and you'll always question about his every little movement. If he is really willing to make it work, you will want to move out with the children for the time being and let him wallow in his pain. He can't say he won't cheat again, what he needs to do is show you.
Kat30 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 You will probably hate me, but I'm writing as a woman who has just left a marriage for a another man. I had a 'relationship' with another man, who I also met through work/work colleagues. I did not sleep with him because I was married. I developed strong feelings for him and it had my head in bits. So much so, I confessed to my husband about having feelings for another man. I left my home and we are now going through a divorce; although he wants me back. I do still love him, but after having feelings for someone else for that long it has made me think that there must have been something wrong for me to do that to him. My husband is not willing to go for counselling, but it seems that your husband is trying his best to put things right. I think that you should go with your gut feeling, but do it for the right reasons. Don't just do it because you want to avoid history repeating itself, or for the kids... do it for you. I have also been cheated on in past relationships. I gave my ex partner a second chance and unfortunately it didn't work. You would think that would have made me think twice about getting involved with another man. Cheating is wrong, and I still class what I did as cheating even though I didn't sleep with the other man before I left my marriage. I wish you good luck, and I do believe that people deserve a second chance. The trust issue will be extremely hard ....for as long as it takes. Kat
You'reasian Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I found out in January that my husband had been cheating on me for 10 months. We've been married for 14 years and have two children (ages 11 & 9). Our marriage was great for the most part, but had its rocky spots. We lost a daughter at childbirth and I was pushing him to consider adoption of another child, which he didn't want to do. A co-worker set him up with another woman. Because he owns his own business, he would tell me that he had to work out of town and be gone for 3-4 nights a week, leaving me alone with the kids. I was happy to do it, because I thought I was supporting him and his dreams of building his company. He was actually driving an hour away everynight to stay at this womans house. He went to rock concerts with her, stayed at hotels, went to restaurants and movies...bought her gifts. I found this all out after reading text messages when my intuition finally gave in. For the last six months, we have been in marriage therapy, both of us are on anti-depressants, and we are talking more now than we ever have before. He begs me everyday to forgive him and stay with him. He has moved his business into our house, calls and texts me 5-6 times a day, and has begun almost a different person....mostly for the better. What do I do? I came from a divorced family and I don't want to do that to my kids. I still love my husband...but the trust has been mutilated. This woman is NOTHING like me...she has big hair, too much make up...even rides something called a "crotch rocket"??? I'm nothing like that. I want to keep my marriage together, but I don't know how. Will he ever do this again??? Sorry to hear of this. Looks like marriage counselling and following through with what is said is the only way to improve this situation. Keep your faith.
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