frenchgirl Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 On a totally different topic, I met a guy who has a great personality. He makes me laugh and he is very charming. However, I am not attracted to him and I don't think that's going to change. I suspected he might be interested in me when he asked me out for dinner. I politely declined, saying I already had other plans. Since I want to remain friends, I've invited him to various activities but always made a point of not being alone with him. I really like him and think we could be great friends. Do you think I am sending clear enough signals, telling him I only want to be friends? I would hate having to have the "talk" with him...
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 You have to be honest and talk to him. Don't drop hints or play games. He likes you and is interested in you yet you don't like him the same way. Respect him enough to TELL him he is JUST a friend and you have NO INTEREST in pursuing ANY type of romantic relationship with him. If you don't, he will have unrealistic expectations and think the simpliest and nicest gesture by you means something more than it is. Why would you hate having "the talk" with him?
Author frenchgirl Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Why would you hate having "the talk" with him? I've lost so many friends after having "the talk". It's not easy to click with people and this guy is so cool. He's a good listener and all but I'm just not attracted to him. I figured by always having my girlfriends around, he would get the drift?
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 NO. You have to sometimes spell it out for people. Look, you can't be friendly with him and want him as a friend when HE doesn't know the rules. Tell him you really enjoy his company and you feel it's like having a brother. He'll get that..
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I figured by always having my girlfriends around, he would get the drift? He could think you're playing hard to get. Put it this way, how you would like it if you liked some guy, and he spent alot of time with you, making you laugh etc yet he didn't like you in the same way. Wouldn't you want to know if he was into you or not? I just see no point in stringing someone along when you know they're interested in you and you're not interested in them. It's just a cruel thing to do to someone.
carhill Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 how you would like it if you liked some guy, and he spent alot of time with you, making you laugh etc yet he didn't like you in the same way. I'm guessing the OP has never had that experience... OP, there's a word for this, something which is very important in LTR's....it's called "empathy". What I'm hearing from you is what you get from this guy; maturity will teach you about equity in relationships, including empathizing with and caring about your "friend" and his feelings. IMO, you should "ask him" out to lunch and have a heartfelt talk with him. You risk his desire to remain a friend if his feelings are romantic in nature, but the honest discourse is far more valuable. He may disappear for awhile to resolve his desires but might (and I stress "might") return as a platonic friend. Since you say you lose a "lot of friends" this way, I'm assuming you're very or universally attractive, in that men cannot be with you and not be sexually attracted to you. Have you considered having gay men as male friends? Or, perhaps, do you enjoy the unrequited sexual attention you get from these "friends"? I think it's important to be honest about that. People send out certain signals in this regard that they are often not aware of. Just keep it in mind
Suiyobi Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 On a totally different topic, I met a guy who has a great personality. He makes me laugh and he is very charming. However, I am not attracted to him and I don't think that's going to change. I suspected he might be interested in me when he asked me out for dinner. I politely declined, saying I already had other plans. Since I want to remain friends, I've invited him to various activities but always made a point of not being alone with him. I really like him and think we could be great friends. Do you think I am sending clear enough signals, telling him I only want to be friends? I would hate having to have the "talk" with him... You're not sending him clear enough signals. Give him "the talk" for his sake. He'll decide whether to remain friends with you or not. If not, then it was meant to be that way. If yes, then you've found someone who is understanding and appreciates you as more than just a sex object. Who knows... in the future, YOU might come around and actually find him attractive.
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Technically, you are doing the right thing -- talking to him but only inviting him out in groups. He SHOULD get the hint, but he might not. Some guys are like that. I don't think you should give him the "talk" yet. If he makes a move, then give him the talk. If you give him the "talk" beforehand, he'll deny it and probably accuse you of being vain or something related. Also, make sure you talk about other guys you are interested in. I mean, don't lie, be honest. If he doesn't get the hint after that? He's probably hopeless, but most guys get it if you do that. But, don't be cruel. If he continues to be into you, you have to drop him as friend, for his own good. Sad, but true.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I think you have to give him "the Talk". You can be nice about it. You don't have to say you're not attracted to him; just say that you don't think it'll work out on a romantic level between the two of you. Then say that you think he's really cool and you like hanging out with him, and you feel like the two of you could be great friends. (That's way better than "can we be friends", which nowadays sounds like a brush-off.) If he doesn't go for it, well, that's too bad. But it's better than leading him on and having you feel uncomfortable about it.
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Technically, you are doing the right thing -- talking to him but only inviting him out in groups. He SHOULD get the hint, but he might not Doing that means nothing. He could think she's shy or playing hard to get. She needs to just be honest with him. Suiyobi's post is very helpful and wise.
Author frenchgirl Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I'm guessing the OP has never had that experience... OP, there's a word for this, something which is very important in LTR's....it's called "empathy". What I'm hearing from you is what you get from this guy; maturity will teach you about equity in relationships, including empathizing with and caring about your "friend" and his feelings. IMO, you should "ask him" out to lunch and have a heartfelt talk with him. You risk his desire to remain a friend if his feelings are romantic in nature, but the honest discourse is far more valuable. He may disappear for awhile to resolve his desires but might (and I stress "might") return as a platonic friend. Since you say you lose a "lot of friends" this way, I'm assuming you're very or universally attractive, in that men cannot be with you and not be sexually attracted to you. Have you considered having gay men as male friends? Or, perhaps, do you enjoy the unrequited sexual attention you get from these "friends"? I think it's important to be honest about that. People send out certain signals in this regard that they are often not aware of. Just keep it in mind Merci for posting this. About the gay friend part, I guess we don't choose who we are friends with. When I was a teenager I was quite a tomboy and somehow got used to hanging out with guys. Eventually some body parts changed and I could no longer have guy friends... I hear you about the empathy part. Somedays I wish the guys would have empathy for me as well...
Author frenchgirl Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I think you have to give him "the Talk". You can be nice about it. You don't have to say you're not attracted to him; just say that you don't think it'll work out on a romantic level between the two of you. Then say that you think he's really cool and you like hanging out with him, and you feel like the two of you could be great friends. (That's way better than "can we be friends", which nowadays sounds like a brush-off.) If he doesn't go for it, well, that's too bad. But it's better than leading him on and having you feel uncomfortable about it. Yes I agree. It is getting progressively uncomfortable. We're used to being playful toward each other and I guess I'm going to have to be more careful with that.
rod_in_gtown Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Please talk to him, chances are that if you're getting the vibe that you're interested in him, he probably is "if it walks like a duck..." The truth is that if you're upfront about it, it shows that you respect his friendship, and that you're mature enough to let him know that you're ok with him making a decision. Remember, not talking to him because "you don't want to lose his friendship" is just the same as leading someone on because you want something from him but don't want to let him know he won't get all the way. It's unfair and the reason some women get a bad rep as "cock tease". If you just keep dropping the hints, he's just going to get fed up anyway and you'll lose him regardless. improve your chances by showing him that you mean it when you say you're looking for friendship. A friend would not lead him on unnecessarily.
CaliGuy Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 As long as he has romantic interests in you, you can't be friends. Sorry. He's going to want more. Even if he says he's ok with friends, he will hope that you will change your opinion of him. I personally would tell him you don't have romantic feelings towards him and then do your best to be scarce as much as possible. I understand why you want to be friends, but for most men, it doesn't work the same way as it does for women.
Sbrizio Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 Bjour Frenchgirl, i understand your feelings...i'm living the other side of a similar experience with a girl (french as well, ) with whom i have a deep "empathy"... altough in my case things started differently, we are now stuck in a sort of yo-yo... i strongly suggest you to be honest with him, and to accept that he "might" also decide to move away for a while. I understand that life for an attractive girl might not be easy as it seems, and you probably strive for friendship as much as others desire you. Still, believe me, not being clear with him for the sake of the friendship will eventually ruin it anyway... most probably causing also a good amount of pain to him (and some to you). PS. You remind me a lot my "friend"...she's more at ease with male friends than girls (she grew up as a boy), and i know she suffers from the dynamics coming from such friendships..
daphne Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 french, I have lost most of my male friends after having the talk. However, it's the only fair thing to do. And the one or two that have stuck it out as a true friend have turned out to be gems. I can live without the "best friend" who stole my checkbook when I told him point blank that I was only interested in a friendship. A mon avis, il vaut mieux ne pas être égoiste envers les sentiments des autres.
Yamaha Posted September 4, 2008 Posted September 4, 2008 Would you want to be friends with someone you liked and were attracted 2? I find it weird that you expect him to be friends even though he probably wants more but if you were in his shoes and you felt attraction would you hang around and be his friend because he asked you 2?
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