blair08 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 My niece who is 20 has a new guy in her life. They have been seeing each other for a few months now. These are some things she shared with me about him but she is now kind of afraid to pursue things further, because there are things she is noticing early on, and doesn't want to make a mistake of ignoring the signs of things he does just because she loves him or cares about him, that he may still do if the relationship goes further. *He preceives alot of what people say (trying to help him with something) etc, as personal attacks when thats not how they were meant to be. *Always late for things. *Procrastinates alot. *Fault finder. (Not always with her, but always blames others for things and doesn't own up to his words or actions.) *If someone wants to discuss something with him that he might not want to discuss, he will either shift the blame, or shift the conversation to another subject. *Drinks right much. *Lots and lots of porn. Those are a few of her concerns. The opinon I gave her was she was still young, to maybe date and just not commit to one person right now. I know she cares for him but for her to see some of these things and talk to me about them, says this is probably not what she wants out of a relationship. I think sometimes what happens is, so many people either don't see signs or do and will choose to ignore them in hope they will go away or that they will change. I think that's rarely the case and that chances are it wont get better. I do think people can change etc. but at the same time I think its pretty mature of her to see these things now, even though some of those things may not bother others, if it bothers her now it will later on. So what is your opinon on this guy?
EnigmasMuse Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Passive-aggressive How old is he? I was going to say the same thing. Honestly, passive agressive people can be difficult to live with.
2sunny Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 i would also take narcissism into account... but of course, from this perspective - that would be making huge leaps. just something to keep an eye out for. that's lethal as far as a healthy relationship.
Lizzie60 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 hummm.. this guy is bad news for her.. and the good thing is that she is seeing it.. and hopefully she will realize that she is wasting her energy and her time with him..
whichwayisup Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 The drinking, the porn is offputting, let alone his immaturity of taking responsibility for himself. Tell her to not invest too much into him because chances are she WILL end up getting hurt by him.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 He sounds very immature and self-indulgent. Does he have any good qualities?
Author blair08 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Passive-aggressive How old is he? Yes he does sound like that to me too. He is 21 years old. My niece is 20.
carhill Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 OP, you might want to read up on BPD Armchair dx'ing is contraindicated, but being informed about behavioral patterns can help one discern a particular personality type from someone with a possible psychological disorder. You can likely take our opinions as "be watchful and don't invest too much too fast"...
Author blair08 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 2sunny- Yes, thats a possiblity too I guess. Lizzie-this is my thinking too. She is young and I don't want to see her get hurt. I do agree its good she is seeing these things now. WWIU- You're right about the porn and drinking. I think she feels its a way for him to cope with things in his life possbily which she feels is probably not a good way to cope. TBF- I'm sure he does have some good qualities. She has mentioned before he is a hard worker. I think these were just somethings that bothered her. Not to make it sound like he didn't do anything good or have any good things.
carhill Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 OP, you covered some really basic personality characteristics which are unlikely to change. Perhaps, at 21, he will "mature" out of some of them. But, if they are reinforced by acceptance from others, they can become entrenched. I think it boils down to a compatibility issue and whether your neice can retain her self-esteem within such a R.
Trialbyfire Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 blair, I'm not saying that you're trying to do anything so not to worry. I was honestly curious what his good qualities are and if any offset the bad qualities. Most often, peoples' strengths are their weaknesses. Also, if your niece can't see his good qualities or he doesn't have very many, she has to seriously review why she's still with him.
Author blair08 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 OP, you might want to read up on BPD Armchair dx'ing is contraindicated, but being informed about behavioral patterns can help one discern a particular personality type from someone with a possible psychological disorder. You can likely take our opinions as "be watchful and don't invest too much too fast"... Ok thanks. Do you feel passive agressiveness and narcissisim falls under BPD as well?
Author blair08 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 blair, I'm not saying that you're trying to do anything so not to worry. I was honestly curious what his good qualities are and if any offset the bad qualities. Most often, peoples' strengths are their weaknesses. Also, if your niece can't see his good qualities or he doesn't have very many, she has to seriously review why she's still with him. Oh I totally understand. Iwas just saying he probably does have good qualities too. I think all people have good and not so good ones, but I think sometimes, some people's not so good ones outweigh the good ones if that makes any sense. I'm wondering if that is what my niece is possibly seeing too, and that was why she talked to me and asked me those questions about it.
carhill Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Ok thanks. Do you feel passive agressiveness and narcissisim falls under BPD as well? IMO, separate issues, but with possibly interrelated symptoms. I think, if you spend a few hours reading up on these types/disorders (or have your niece read up), things will become more clear. For sure, very few people have all "bad" qualities and no redeeming or good ones. The important compatibility balance is that the "bad" is acceptable and compatible within the R. It's important to note that behaviors can be changed or modified cognitively, whereas intrinsic personality characteristics are nearly impossible to change. As an example, I'm a high energy person and my wife is low energy, so we are intrinsically in conflict. However, I can modify certain behaviors, like nagging her about alway staying on schedule and being on time, for example, to become more relaxed about my approach. Instead of being a bee angrily buzzing about her head, becoming more of a gentle breeze blowing sunshine up her @ss Seriously, it's the "how" which is modifiable. Not everyone can do that. It's usually a function of maturity, though not always. Your niece should have a mental list of "deal-breakers"; behaviors/personality characteristics which are non-negotiable. Once those barriers are breached, it's up to her to walk away to preserve her personal standards and dignity. She owes this person nothing.
Trialbyfire Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 If I recall correctly, Borderline is considered the female equivalent to NPD, which is primarily found in males. Whether he's as far gone as actually having a disorder, who knows. He does show signs of being narcissistic.
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