Not an ow...but close

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Hey all. I have a few threads up around here about my situation.

While I would not call myself an OW, I still feel the same kind of pain as one.

 

I have been emotionally "involved" with someone for a couple of years who is dating another woman.He has alluded to wanting to be with me, he is my best friend and we talk almost every day. His relationship seems toxic, but I am not there so I can't say for certain.

 

Anyway, my situation led me to this forum.I feel lost without my best friend.I miss him so much but I am trying to get away from wanting more with him. I know his words are just words until he ends his relationship.

 

My worst fear is that he will marry her.And I don't think I could handle that at this point.

 

I want to know how you OW do it?? How can you continue seeing these MM and not be devastated everytime he goes home to his wife??

Just knowing he is dating her and not me, destroys me I can't imagine sharing him sexually or even emotionally.

[TogetherForever]

Are OW born with a genetic defect that enables them to live this lifestyle??

Genetic defect?

Are you serious?

 

That was not necessary as part of your last sentence.

It's also like saying that YOU have a genetic defect for considering

being with your best friend who is already in relationship.

 

TF

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

It wasn't meant as an insult TF. But I know it takes a certain type of person to tolerate this sort of situation. I know I can't. It seems beyond my realm of reasoning to share someone else's husband I guess.

 

As for my friend I think I am being smart in realizing this is not a healthy situation for me therefore removing myself from it.

 

I am here to learn...that's why i asked the question.

[blueberry]

Genetic defect were probably not the best words to choose! You can't dictate what the heart chooses to yearn.

 

We are perhaps "the brave" for choosing to run with it, rather than shun it - mostly to our own detriment.

 

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

 

None of us are lambs to the slaughter.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

OK..you are right.Genetic defect was a bad choice of words..I apologize.

[blueberry]

But I know it takes a certain type of person to tolerate this sort of situation. I know I can't. It seems beyond my realm of reasoning to share someone else's husband I guess.

.

 

 

Your man isn't married is he? So what? It doesn't make what you are doing right. Your not having a physical affair you say? You're in an emotional affair. Are you consoling your moral ethics with this little tidbit? You shouldn't be. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you think she would be happy knowing you have this "connection" but you're not f*cking him yet?

 

Methinks not.

[TogetherForever]

No one falls in love by choice, it is by CHANCE.

No one stays in love by chance, it is by WORK.

And no one falls out of love by chance, it is by CHOICE !!!

 

 

If the above is considered a mental defect, then I do

suffer from such.

[Lizzie60]

Hey all. I have a few threads up around here about my situation.

While I would not call myself an OW, I still feel the same kind of pain as one.

 

I have been emotionally "involved" with someone for a couple of years who is dating another woman.He has alluded to wanting to be with me, he is my best friend and we talk almost every day. His relationship seems toxic, but I am not there so I can't say for certain.

 

Anyway, my situation led me to this forum.I feel lost without my best friend.I miss him so much but I am trying to get away from wanting more with him. I know his words are just words until he ends his relationship.

 

My worst fear is that he will marry her.And I don't think I could handle that at this point.

 

I want to know how you OW do it?? How can you continue seeing these MM and not be devastated everytime he goes home to his wife??

Just knowing he is dating her and not me, destroys me I can't imagine sharing him sexually or even emotionally.

 

Are OW born with a genetic defect that enables them to live this lifestyle??

Not meaning to bash, just an honest question.

 

This guy is full of sh*t... he's not even married and he cheating on her with you.. if he really wanted you.. he WOULD be with you and cheating on you with her..

 

Don't you see that all this guy wants is sex, sex, and more sex..

[Nevermind]

This guy is full of sh*t... he's not even married and he cheating on her with you.. if he really wanted you.. he WOULD be with you and cheating on you with her..

 

Don't you see that all this guy wants is sex, sex, and more sex..

 

100% agree.

[PandorasBox]

You're being used for side action. You're probably not the first and you probably wont be the last he has doen this to.

[blueberry]

and yet she doesn't consider herself an OW.

 

interesting.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Your man isn't married is he? So what? It doesn't make what you are doing right. Your not having a physical affair you say? You're in an emotional affair. Are you consoling your moral ethics with this little tidbit? You shouldn't be. Put yourself in her shoes. Do you think she would be happy knowing you have this "connection" but you're not f*cking him yet?

 

Methinks not.

 

 

Are you serious? This is not even close to having an affair.

I am not having an affair. My relationship (if you wanna cal it that) is simply an UNrequited situation. I want more than friendship and he is not able to give me what I want. This is not even CLOSE to having a full blown affair.

I think you misunderstand. I am not bashing anyone here..I simply want to know HOW some OW can carry on an affair for YEARS knowing it will never go anywhere?

[Owl]

Do you have feelings of "love" for this guy? (He's hinted he wants to be with you...what's your view on this relationship?)

 

Or is this JUST a friendship?

 

Does his GF know about your interactions with him, or is he hiding that from her to avoid conflict?

[blueberry]

Are you serious? I am not having an affair.

 

As serious as a coma sweetheart.

 

You mean to say he has never reciprocated? If not, sounds like you need to suck it in and let it go. He isn't giving you any reason to nuture any feelings.

 

Is he?

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

I notice no one has answered my question...only attacked me for being in the "same situation". I am not even speaking to him........and if you read my other threads you would see that.

 

Owl: Yes....this is a long standing friendship. We have admitted to having feelings for each other, but he is involved with someone else. I don't know if she knows about me or not because it was not ever an issue before now. And yes, I would like to have "more' with him..but not as long as he is involved with his g/f.I have told him this.

[Owl]

Once you "admitted feelings" for each other...this crossed the lines OUT of 'just friends'.

 

If you're hoping for more than a "just friends" relationship at some point in the future, you're communicating emotionally with him today while he's still with her....

 

...its got all the earmarks of an emotional affair. You're meeting some of his emotional needs, and so is she. You're MORE than 'just a friend'...but less than his GF.

 

And to attempt to answer your question, most of the OW tend to 'last for years' for three reasons.

 

1. They never let themselves lose the hope that he'll leave to be with them, regardless of what happens.

2. They accept that he'll never leave, and accept what he is giving them as all that they're going to get.

3. They never expected more from the relationship than what he's giving in the first place.

[TogetherForever]

Hey all. I have a few threads up around here about my situation.

While I would not call myself an OW, I still feel the same kind of pain as one.

 

I have been emotionally "involved" with someone for a couple of years who is dating another woman.He has alluded to wanting to be with me, he is my best friend and we talk almost every day. His relationship seems toxic, but I am not there so I can't say for certain.

 

Anyway, my situation led me to this forum.I feel lost without my best friend.I miss him so much but I am trying to get away from wanting more with him. I know his words are just words until he ends his relationship.

 

My worst fear is that he will marry her.And I don't think I could handle that at this point.

 

I want to know how you OW do it?? How can you continue seeing these MM and not be devastated everytime he goes home to his wife??

Just knowing he is dating her and not me, destroys me I can't imagine sharing him sexually or even emotionally.

 

Are OW born with a genetic defect that enables them to live this lifestyle??

Not meaning to bash, just an honest question.

 

 

Here's my answer:

It was really rough the first, I'll say, year & a half.

When he left her & the marital home, well, now that is history.

 

I will tell you this CWT, don't think about being with him unless he leaves his girlfriend & you know that relationship is totally over.

Or you'll be shedding quite a few tears here on LS. ANd instead of saying

NOT THE OW YET, BUT CLOSE you'll say WELL, I'M THE OW & I NEED SOME HELP......

 

Please think before you act.

TF

[jj33]

Back to your question. Being the 3rd person in the relationship obviously doesnt work for you. Much as you miss him, if you think they may marry and it would devastate you then are you really friends? Friends are happy when other friends get married.

 

You may think the relationship is toxic and his behavior in having you on the side would suggest that may be the case, but you are not his shrink. Everyone finds their own way. He is finding his and his path may lead him to marrying her. Do you really want to sit by and have your heart crushed while this goes on?

 

Much as you miss the closeness you had with him, it sounds like the best thing you could do for yourself is to detach. Otherwise its like sitting by and waiting for the train wreck to happen. As many others have said if you detach you win no matter what happens. You get distance and your life back and you get to move on. If he breaks up with her and comes forward you can decide then if you want to give your relationship another chance as friends or as more. Maybe you will even be able to truly be friends in the interim.

 

But waiting in a situation that is breaking your heart isnt doing you any favors. And you certainly dont "owe" that to him.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Once you "admitted feelings" for each other...this crossed the lines OUT of 'just friends'.

 

If you're hoping for more than a "just friends" relationship at some point in the future, you're communicating emotionally with him today while he's still with her....

 

...its got all the earmarks of an emotional affair. You're meeting some of his emotional needs, and so is she. You're MORE than 'just a friend'...but less than his GF.

 

And to attempt to answer your question, most of the OW tend to 'last for years' for three reasons.

 

1. They never let themselves lose the hope that he'll leave to be with them, regardless of what happens.

2. They accept that he'll never leave, and accept what he is giving them as all that they're going to get.

3. They never expected more from the relationship than what he's giving in the first place.

 

 

Thanks Owl..and you are right. I know it crossed the line and

when I realized he was stringing me along I told him no more.

I am currently not even speaking to him.

 

I can see a someone...man OR woman falling in love with someone

who is involved. I understand this stuff happens...all the time.

I guess my stomach is just not strong enough to withstand the turmoil an affair brings.

[wildsoul]

Are you serious? This is not even close to having an affair.

I am not having an affair. My relationship (if you wanna cal it that) is simply an UNrequited situation. I want more than friendship and he is not able to give me what I want. This is not even CLOSE to having a full blown affair.

I think you misunderstand. I am not bashing anyone here..I simply want to know HOW some OW can carry on an affair for YEARS knowing it will never go anywhere?

I think you already answered the question in your post. (One of the things) that keeps OW/M in the affair is that it IS a relationship, including affection, love, sex, and future plans for a committed relationship. In other words, the MM/W is actively pursuing and asking the OW/M to stick it out. [Edited to add: I'm not saying that what the MP is presenting is the absolute truth, that's where it gets complex, but in any case, the OW/M believes it and keeps trying.]

 

Now, you also added the caveat of how do you stay "knowing it will never go anywhere." I dunno, but I think that is not how most affairs are presented. Sure, there are some MP who will tell their OP that it will never ever be more. And there are also some OW/M who are okay with that. But my hunch is that most of the ones that are okay with that are either married themselves, or for whatever reason don't want/need a committed exclusive thing. I think it's a teeny tiny little sliver of the populace.

[OWoman]

I want to know how you OW do it?? How can you continue seeing these MM and not be devastated everytime he goes home to his wife??

 

I can't speak for all "you OW", but for myself:

 

with my previous MMs, their going home was exactly what I wanted - I wanted my space and my life and my freedom, and what - or who - they went home to was their problem, not mine. It suited me better that they had someone else to do their emotional laundry and breed their spawn and cook their dinners. No way was I going to do that.

 

With this MM, things are rather different. Our emotional investment is different and at the point that we decided we wanted to be together, we made it happen.

 

Whether I'm "genetically defective" or not we'd probably disagree on.

[whichwayisup]

This is not even close to having an affair

 

Because you two shared feelings with eachother, and you DO love him, want him, just like he wants you but is committed to someone else, what you two had was an emotional affair, even if you feel at the moment it wasn't. Feelings took over, you (were/are) very emotionally attached to him, and you invested alot of energy into him and your friendship. Maybe it wasn't intentional, and you aren't (weren't) aware of it, but it was an emotional affair.

 

If you don't completely walk away from him, your feelings for him WILL prevent you from meeting someone else.

[Dark-N-Romantic]

To answer your question...

 

1. You ARE responsible for your actions you do. Love does not excuse your wrongs. His love does not excuse his wrong. It is not about just you and him, but also all people involved in the relationship. Its about her. If they have kids, its about them. If their families and friends are involved, they are also added to the mix. Love DOES NOT make you do what is wrong; lust, greed, pride, sloth, gluttony, wrath,and envy does though.

 

2. It takes a cold person to go out to hurt someone else with intent. And this is what cheating does. How do I know? Because it would not be done in secret if it was okay. People would not have to duck and hide if it were right.

 

3. But, the biggest thing is this... How the heck are you going to do something to someone and honestly expect for to pay the price by someone doing the same unto you?

 

Look. This guy is not your friend. I have a best brother and I would not even entertain sleeping with any of his girlfriends while he was involved with them or his now wife. I have too much respect for myself, for him, for her, and all our families. This is not what a friend does. Even with some of my old female friends who were involved in someone, I would never, ever be more than a confidante. Its all about respect. Either you have it or you don't.

 

 

DNR

Real love does not make one do what is wrong or harmful.

[mytruelove]

wow, are you me a year ago? go back and read my posts and the wonderful advice your being given here.

 

i took the step of telling a "friend" a year ago that i liked him and i can tell you if your like me, you may think you can handle it, but once that line is crossed there is little controling it, as least, from my experience. i thought that i could - we fought a physical affair for a year, and eventually, it got too hard to do that and this guy is my friend of ten years now.

 

so, now, i'm stuck in a situation that in order to be true to myself i am probably going to have to detach from him - NOT easy my friend. if fact, i'm not seeing how it is going to be possible for me.

 

the hurt i am in loving this guy and the pain it causes me!!! he has the ability to hurt me like no other. having the affair with him has changed my core.

 

now, i can tell you with him it was too late the very first time i saw him. all my family, friends, even my x knew from that moment and just the look on my face that i was in love with him. it was just a matter of time. something i really couldn't control.

 

now, i'm in a position that i can't see being with anyone else because he has a big portion of my heart and i don't see how anyone else will. i feel like i would be foolish getting involved with anyone else. i can't see him not being a part of my life.

 

so, if he doesn't leave his g/f, i'm in for a lonely life right? i will move on only because i have too, not because i want to, not by choice.

 

the only thing that i think is holding us together to this point is the friendship factor-there is a history there, and a respect. i know feel like i am commited and obligated to it because we had MANY discussions prior to the physical affair about things NOT changing between us and not losing what we have. without that i know we would really be done. HOWEVER, it does change things, if anyone tells you it doesn't they are wrong...i believed that before also.

 

Dark -"Love DOES NOT make you do what is wrong; lust, greed, pride, sloth, gluttony, wrath,and envy does though." - THANK YOU for this soo true!!! what has kept me for doing/or continuing to do certain things with my guy is the guilt/pain that i see in him. i don't want him to feel this way - if something makes him uncomfortable i stop it - same goes for me - not to say i haven't had my moments of weakness or that it is easy.

[crystal_lostheart]

CWT

 

Don't get anymore involved. Mine started as a friendship and I tried to fight it for 6 months before we became involved.... then I gave in...BIG mistake.

 

If you can save the friendship - concentrate on JUST being friends - if you can't - then walk away and remember this person as someone special but it could just never be.... thank your lucky stars you are where you are now and don't let him or yourself do any further damage.

 

Speaking from experience and to answer your question - I honestly don't know WHY or HOW I live like this - being with a MM???? But what I do know is that so much damage has been done that I am trying to fix now and if I had of just thought a little more 10 months ago - didn't run into this blindfolded - I would be a much happier person today....