Pink711 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I've read several of the post from husbands and they just made me cry. I don't really relate to their wives, but fear that my husband loves me just as much. When we met I was in my late twenties and had been searching for someone to be with. I had many emotional problems including very serious depression and had even tried to commit suicide the spring before we started dating. We were friends before we started dating and I got to see how he treated his girlfriends. So when he was single and asked me out I said yes because I really wanted to be with someone who would treat me the way he treated them. I was never attracted to him and thought that I would fall in love with him after we had been together for a while. We did get married and after many years of both physical and mental health problems, I'm now level and feeling better than ever for several months. Now I just feel horrible. I love him but not the way a spouse should. I'm so appreciative for his being there for me. But I still don't feel connected to him. I afraid to separate because I think it would destroy him. I've kept all this to myself and don't really have anyone to talk to. He is so sensitive and passionate. I hate that I can't love him the way he needs, but I am good at lieing about it. I don't think he has any clue that I don't love him the way he loves me. It's been 8 years and I just don't know what to do.
dead-dyke Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I wish I had some good advice for you. Especially to you, a woman that clearly does care. I don't know what to say, but keep popping in here, you're bound to find someone, or rather someone will find you, that could comfort you w/ a little sound advice. They're here. Don't worry. I know I wouldn't want to find out about being lied to, but the alternative is just as painful. (walking away) Hang in there. Somebody will show up. I wish you the best.
2sunny Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 maybe you could write a gratitude list for yourself and see how much of your life revolves around happiness with your husband. that might give you a clear idea of where you're at and where you might be headed. just a thought.
Storyrider Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Eight months isn't long enough of feeling steady to have a good feel for what you want. Don't make any rash decisions. Take it slow.
beautifullove Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 With all due respect, you sound like my xmm's W. However, when she told him she never really loved him after years of M, they separated along with other raesons. We (him and I) started dating, and what happened????...she realized she loved him. I got caught in the mess. Please be sure about your feelings before you make any major decisions, because it can cause alot of pain. Good luck!
Author Pink711 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 He is such a good man. The guilt is tearing me apart. I can't help but to continue to pretend. He has been there for me through some really, and I mean REALLY, bad times. I feel just horrible that now I'm feeling better that I can't be the wife he deserves, just as he's been the husband that I needed. I keep telling myself that I should give him at least another year and be such a good wife to show my appreciation. But I know that will just cause more pain if I decide to leave him after the year is up. I'm not going to do anything rash. It's just not in me. I can't mistreat him after he's been so good to me. I'm just battling with the realization that I don't love him like I should after being together so long. I'm not sure that lying about it is such a wonderful thing either.
jmargel Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 What is your expectation of love? What do you define love as?
Kat30 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I feel exactly the way you do! However I am going through a divorce, because of infidelity issues on my part. I found a man who I AM attracted to, but I love my husband so deeply it is hurting because it has come to this. I really don't know what to advise. It is very difficult. Just want you to know that you're not alone. Kat
Author Pink711 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I feel like that in a loving relationship (from both sides) one feels both a mental and physical connection. I know that no one is perfect but I feel like I am always finding things to be angry with him about. I don't like him kissing me and am glad when the sex doesn't last as long. When it comes to going out and having fun, I really prefer to do that separately. I've convinced him to go hang out with his guy friends at least every other weekend. I've even told him to take his ring off and flirt with girls at the bars. He just thinks I'm being a really wonderful wife. He tells his friends that we're secure enough in our relationship for him to be able to do that. My emotions are starting to manifest outside of my mind. I've managed to make excuses for my "episodes" but am running out of them. I'm seriously considering going to a therapist. It's just really hard to find a good one.
Kat30 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Hi Pink... I didn't tell my husband to take his ring off and flirt with other women, but I know exactly where you are coming from with the rest. It is very frustrating not being physically attracted to someone when you are in a relationship... or physically satisfied. It is like loving someone but not being in love with them, while all the time they are oblivious and think everything is wonderful. You start to resent that person to some extent, and it is not healthy. That's what happened to me.... Kat
Author Pink711 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I don't think I've started to resent him. Maybe I have and that's why I always find reasons to be angry with him. I'm not sure. How did you and your husband finally decide to end things? Was it the affair? I'm not judging you, but I just can't do that to him. I have found other men attractive and even get the nervous feeling when one particular one is around. I often fantasize about me and the other guy. But, he is a close friend to both my husband and I and could never let either know the kind of feelings I've had. If I thought that my husband would be ok, I'd leave now. I have a girlfriend that really needs a roommate and my job would transfer to where she is at. I just can't tell him that I never really loved him. I don't think he'd understand. I see so many other post on here from other husbands that had their wives do that to them and I just don't have the heart to break him. He tries so hard to be a good husband. I feel like I owe it to him to keep my feelings to myself and just try to keep him happy.
jmargel Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Pink, By you staying with him, you are not doing him any favors. In fact you are doing the worst thing a person could probably do. You not only faking your love for him, you are not allowing him to find someone to truly love him. Thing is, when your next relationship fails, I really hope you don't have the audacity to go back to him. Are you sure your mental problems have fully been dealt with?
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I don't think I've started to resent him. Maybe I have and that's why I always find reasons to be angry with him. I'm not sure. How did you and your husband finally decide to end things? Was it the affair? I'm not judging you, but I just can't do that to him. I have found other men attractive and even get the nervous feeling when one particular one is around. I often fantasize about me and the other guy. But, he is a close friend to both my husband and I and could never let either know the kind of feelings I've had. If I thought that my husband would be ok, I'd leave now. I have a girlfriend that really needs a roommate and my job would transfer to where she is at. I just can't tell him that I never really loved him. I don't think he'd understand. I see so many other post on here from other husbands that had their wives do that to them and I just don't have the heart to break him. He tries so hard to be a good husband. I feel like I owe it to him to keep my feelings to myself and just try to keep him happy. I'm going to tell you right now that's wrong. You both deserve more. If you love him or even care for him, you'll set him free. If he loves you he will do the same. True love isn't about being someone's possession. The longer you wait, the more you will lose any feeling for him. He deserves honesty about the situation, so you can both handle it. Hiding feelings only magnifies and destroys relationships. Communicate to him in the same caring fashion as you've communicated your feelings here. I'm sure he senses (in some fashion) the way you feel. Best of luck.
quankanne Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 it sounds like there are serious issues at hand, but the GOOD news is that you're aware of them and are willing to work on them – you're way ahead of the game in that respect, so please don't bash yourself. another poster asks "what is your expectation of love?" I ask, is there any way to focus on the love you DO feel for this man and push the other doubts aside? Even if you don't feel you're loving him "properly," it sounds as if you care deeply for him ... well, at least to a point where you're truly concerned about how all of this is going to affect him. And that, my dear, is always cause for hope. first off, have you been seeing a counselor to get a handle on these feelings and resources/ways to approach the problem? Next, have you told him about your doubts? He might be thinking evrything is hunky-dory with you because you've chosen to suffer in silence when it's something that ought to be shared since it directly affects the relationship. And last, are you willing to re-examine your definition (and expectations) of love and tailor them for this relationship? you've got a fighting chance at making this work for the both of you, but you need to redirect your thinking. Because even long-term and/or successfully married couples are challenged by change, and it's their willingness to bend and flow with those changes that keep them together. hugs, q
Author Pink711 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Well, I have thought about going to a counselor/therapist. Maybe then, I'd feel a little more comfortable with discussing my doubts and fears with my husband. My mental health is as sound as anyone's in this situation (I would think). But I do recognize that this is causing me depression. This week, he has been working late every night. He told me earlier that he won't be home until 8pm tonight or tomorrow night. I'm at home all day. I have lots to do, but have been so overwhelmed with these feelings of late that I just can't seem to get anything done. I've been calling and talking to people just to keep my thoughts astray (can't really talk to them about this). At least when he's here, I am able to hide the feelings from him and MYSELF. >And last, are you willing to re-examine your definition (and expectations) of love and tailor them for this relationship?< I'm not sure. I'm not attracted to him, and am finding that I don't like spending much time with him away from the house. (for ex: going to the movies, out to eat, or walk the square) I think the next step for me is to see a therapist. Then, I may consider marriage counseling.
quankanne Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 do the marriage counseling – even if you end up divorcing, you both will know that y'all have done what was needed to try to heal the relationship, which is all anyone could ask, you know?
TrustInYourself Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 The marriage counselor is going to do what your husband should have been doing the whole time. That's listen to you. What a novel idea. Communicating?
Conrad35 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Pink - This is advice from a guy who was married for 8 yrs with two kids, thought everything with the marriage was fine, found out his wife was having an emotional affair (at minimum... I'm sure it was physical, but had no definite proof and she denies), tried desperately save the marriage for the next six months (largely due to not knowing how I could face not being with my kids everyday)... only to finally hear (after a 2nd EA with an ex-BF - again probably physical too) her tell me that she loved me but was not in love with me, and is not sure she ever was (even though she is the one who pushed for marriage and having kids). This bomb was not dropped until after we had been to a few marriage counseling sessions. No doubt, those are tough words to hear for anyone... but the most difficult part for me was that she was not open with me before doing such disrespectful things. The result is a much more bitter taste in my mouth than had she been honest with me earlier, and a complete loss of respect for who she is as a person. Trust me... it will hurt him, and he may be angry with you... but the anger is just a result of heartbreak and hurt. Once the dust settles, you can discuss whether you two feel MC is something you'd both like to try. No matter what happens, I believe he'll eventually be thankful that you were honest before it got to a point of disrespect. He deserves to know the truth, no matter how difficult it will be to open up. I have moved on and I'm currently in a great relationship with someone else. I am civil to my ex-W aroung the kids, but I really can't stand her and no longer respect her due to the way she handled the situation. If she had just been honest with me prior to all of the extramarital lies, deceit, and cheating had begun - it would have still hurt, but I would have respected her for it in the long run. Be strong and tell him the truth. You deserve that monkey off your back as much as he does. Only after that point, will you truly be able to have productive discussions regarding how you want to proceed with your current relationship.
nowhereman82 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Pink....as a man, I would REALLY not want to hear that you never loved me. I think you could do some SERIOUS damage to him that will take years to recover from. They say honesty is the best policy....but look at how much it would hurt him...the separation is enough pain...to hear that his love...his wife...his partner never loved him and used him as an emotional crutch....would kill him. Leave him, for whatever reason, stick to your guns. And don't rob him when you divorce him. Show that you at least care
Billie63 Posted September 3, 2008 Posted September 3, 2008 I feel for you. I was in a similar relationship although I did believe I loved him to begin with. Like you I suffered from depression, I was also approaching 40 and when I met this man who so adored me, I couldn't resist the security he offered me. After 6 years together, he ended it three months ago. I couldn't keep up the act and he saw straight through it. Not only that, he'd met someone else and felt he deserved more (which he does). I can't vouch for how happy he is today, from all accounts, he's still in love with me. I'm not turning cartwheels out of joy but I do have peace of mind. I'm no longer living a lie. And he's free to find someone who truly loves him for him. I would not, in your position say you never loved him. But you could say that you had fallen out of love with him. Because, in yoru own way, you were a little in love with him - how could you not be after all these years together. You can try counselling etc but I personally think this would only work if you'd been in love with him in the first place. If you never loved him, you're not going to suddenly fall in love with him now.
Author Pink711 Posted September 5, 2008 Author Posted September 5, 2008 I've had a crazy week. I've been avoiding him mostly because I don't want to talk about why I've been down lately. I still plan to go to therapy, but haven't been home much to start calling around. The first set of therapy sessions will be for me. I want to understand myself before I drag him into it. However, as time slowly passes, I'm finding more and more that I don't want to be with him, but am afraid that I'll give in and stick around because I've been a house wife and don't have the ability to take care of myself. I do know that he would probably help me financially until I could get a job and a place of my own, but there again, I think that would also drag out the pain. I do know that I'm going to wait 'til I've had some time with the therapist before I talk to him at all. I have been talking to my mother and other family members and they are saying the same thing, to just wait and sort things out in my own head before I say things I might regret later.
lkjh Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 I disagree with the posters that say you should just throw in the towel because you are down, after all M is suppose to be forever . Try MC first and talk with your H stop avoiding him because that makes it impossible for you two to work on this. Also it may be possible that because there is an OM you are confused. I've read a lot of cases where women have re-written the history of there relationship and feelings when they started focusing on OM. I not saying that's the case but it is a possibility
TrustInYourself Posted September 6, 2008 Posted September 6, 2008 If you have been avoiding him, hes probably scared/confused, which typically men will relate into anger. The more the problem is not addressed the more out of control he will become, because hes hurting. I can just take a guess here on how he has been lately. Controlling, angry, impatient, demanding, etc.
davidm Posted September 7, 2008 Posted September 7, 2008 If you do not have kids together it makes the situation much easier. I would with compassion explain to him what you are feeling and let it unfold naturally. If you do not love him and stay with him out of pity you will ultimately resent it and him and it will end with alot more heartache for both of you. You may also want to go to counseling together. Perhaps there are many unmet needs that could be addressed in a healthy manner to rekindle love with your husband. If you never loved him then after 8 yrs it is probably not going to happen. You are in a difficult situation but ultimately you must choose what is best for you. Life is too precious to let years slip by in unfulfillment...
Recommended Posts