sumdude Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 At some point it happens, maybe months or even years after you've split up. You think you're moving on and suddenly some days hit you and you're back in the rough stages. You may be crying again, missing them again, wondering what they're doing. That crazy "maybe we'll get back together" machine in your head gets fired up again. That's what happened to me this week. But all I'm doing is thinking I'm in love with a memory. I'm keeping the dead relationship alive with my imagination, which is pretty vivid! LOL I'll have imaginary conversations, imaginary make ups, imaginary sex.. But you can't love a memory! Love in it's real form is a verb, an action. It's also a noun in a way, a state a being and an emotion. But the loving actions have to come first! You can't love a memory! You can't bring it breakfast in bed You can't caress it's head when it's crying You can't hold it's hand walking on the beach You can't make it laugh to cheer it up You can't tickle it until it pees it's pants You can't bring it chocolate on 'those days' You can't protect it or provide for it You can't cook it's favorite dinner and watch it eat it You can't dance with it You can't lay on the sofa curled up with it And a memory sure can't love you back! It isn't going to console you when you're down, It isn't going to bring you soup when you're sick. It isn't going to massage you when you're sore. It isn't going to look at you with those loving eyes. It isn't going to surprise you with a love letter and a thoughtful gift. It isn't going to join you in sweaty, shuddering ecstacy after a night of laughter and dancing. It won't bring you coffee in the morning. It won't help pay the bills when times are slim It won't take out the garbage It won't make you dinner It won't give you advice when you most need it It won't stay up all night worrying if your flight landed OK It won't listen to you complaining about work, family or freinds It won't love you back.... So all I've been doing is putting my emotional energy into something that has no return. It's like investing money into a company that's already out of business. Get back to investing in yourself... leave the memory alone and it will leave you alone. Make room for a new and REAL opportunity to love and be loved that will come one day. You don't want to miss that chance because you're too busy loving a memory..
nopainnogain Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Great post.. Kinda like driving your car looking in the rearview mirror the whole time.....your bound to crash.....you can glance in your rearview to remember where you are coming from (or if cops are following you:laugh:) but concentrate on what you are doing and where you are going.
foxh1234 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 At some point it happens, maybe months or even years after you've split up. You think you're moving on and suddenly some days hit you and you're back in the rough stages. You may be crying again, missing them again, wondering what they're doing. That crazy "maybe we'll get back together" machine in your head gets fired up again. That's what happened to me this week. But all I'm doing is thinking I'm in love with a memory. I'm keeping the dead relationship alive with my imagination, which is pretty vivid! LOL I'll have imaginary conversations, imaginary make ups, imaginary sex.. But you can't love a memory! Love in it's real form is a verb, an action. It's also a noun in a way, a state a being and an emotion. But the loving actions have to come first! You can't love a memory! You can't bring it breakfast in bed You can't caress it's head when it's crying You can't hold it's hand walking on the beach You can't make it laugh to cheer it up You can't tickle it until it pees it's pants You can't bring it chocolate on 'those days' You can't protect it or provide for it You can't cook it's favorite dinner and watch it eat it You can't dance with it You can't lay on the sofa curled up with it And a memory sure can't love you back! It isn't going to console you when you're down, It isn't going to bring you soup when you're sick. It isn't going to massage you when you're sore. It isn't going to look at you with those loving eyes. It isn't going to surprise you with a love letter and a thoughtful gift. It isn't going to join you in sweaty, shuddering ecstacy after a night of laughter and dancing. It won't bring you coffee in the morning. It won't help pay the bills when times are slim It won't take out the garbage It won't make you dinner It won't give you advice when you most need it It won't stay up all night worrying if your flight landed OK It won't listen to you complaining about work, family or freinds It won't love you back.... So all I've been doing is putting my emotional energy into something that has no return. It's like investing money into a company that's already out of business. Get back to investing in yourself... leave the memory alone and it will leave you alone. Make room for a new and REAL opportunity to love and be loved that will come one day. You don't want to miss that chance because you're too busy loving a memory.. Great Post, I'm guilty of this as well. I still love the memory of her but not who she has become now.
MalachiX Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Glad you've realized this. The real problem with loving a memory is that it's usually through rose-colored glasses too. Unless your EX was a total jerk who tramatized you, you aren't likely to start remembering bad things. I always remember my EX in times when I miss the good things. When I miss her support. When I miss making her laugh. When I miss having her wait up for me at night and keep the bed warm. You think of the things you miss. You rarely think of the things that made the relationship hard or unworkable. I hardly ever stop and remember all our fights, all the difficult times, all the investment things took. When I'm taking risks and doing things I wouldn't have done when I was with her, I don't stop and think, "I'd never be doing something like this when we were together."
Author sumdude Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I see this as the stage after NC... You use NC to make it a memory... then you still have to deal with the memory. I was blindsided with how strong the feelings still were, things had been going well for a while. Funny how the mind works. I still had some left over 'baggage' that I hadn't had time to get through because of so many other major life issues I've had in the last year. Once there was free time the brain went back to finish processing the divorce.
LateBloomer Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I think they call this sometimes "euphoric recollection." I'm only 2 weeks NC and 1.5 months post BC. Hits pretty hard sometimes. For me, it also comes from the fact that I still haven't re-activated deeper desires, passions and goals within me. They're starting to come slowly online but are not yet. So I think until you really start to forge ahead with a new and better life, you can be vulnerable to looking back through those damn rosy colored lenses. For me, it's extra motivation to get all systems back online asap. Sadly, some have been dormant for more than a decade. Time of year, smells, and various other triggers can do it too. I think also when you're just having bad day ... that pining for the past can hit. Peace and strength to all.
Author sumdude Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I feel so much better today after that realization when I posted. I thought I had let go months ago but I hadn't quite done it. Now everytime my mind starts to go there i just tell myself.. "You can't love a memory." and that's it.
LakesideDream Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Sum, I dealt with it a little differently. At first, of course I was crushed. A few months later the crushed feeling morphed into a "hate" feeling. I woke up angry, and full of hateful thoughts. Realizing this was damaging me, but not willing to let it go I allowed myself a half hour of "hate" every morning. As time went by the thirty minutes turned into fifteen, then five... then none were necessary. Those feelings were replaced, buy feelings of saddness. Using the same technique, soon the saddness was gone. Indifference became the order of the day.
orangehose Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 At some point it happens, maybe months or even years after you've split up. You think you're moving on and suddenly some days hit you and you're back in the rough stages. You may be crying again, missing them again, wondering what they're doing. That crazy "maybe we'll get back together" machine in your head gets fired up again. That's what happened to me this week. Wow, this is exactly what's happened to me recently. Of course, it's only been 4 months in my case (and the relationship wasn't terribly long) - but I thought I was getting over things. Then, when other things in my life settled down, I was hit by another wave of preoccupation. Trying so hard to let go and move on, but it seems that the road to complete healing is anything but linear!! So frustrating!!
mike5770 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Is so true..great post. Also remember while we are thinking of them and holding on to the past they most likely are not thinking about us at all. So it is a double whammy! We are spending our time and brain power on the past while they are with someone else dealing with the present and future. I always repeat that when I relapse. My commandments when I feel sorry for myself: 1. She is not thinking of you right now! 2. She does not care about you anymore! 3. Right now when you are lying in bed thinking of her and the past she is doing her new boyfriend screaming his name. 4. Going up to her and confessing your love to her and how you want her back and can't stop thinking about her only works in movies and will drive her even farther away. 5. The past is the past nothing you can do can make you go back and relive it. 6. the most important :"SHE IS GONE! YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH HER AGAIN! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT THERE AND FIND SOMEONE NEW! THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA AND BETTER FISH IN THE SEA! MOVE ON ALREADY!" 7. Go have a great time and see what you are missing! (If you are a woman just substitute she with he unless you are a lesbian!) This helps me because it is reality although I would be lying if I said I don't have bad days anymore!
Author sumdude Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Sum, I dealt with it a little differently. At first, of course I was crushed. A few months later the crushed feeling morphed into a "hate" feeling. I woke up angry, and full of hateful thoughts. Realizing this was damaging me, but not willing to let it go I allowed myself a half hour of "hate" every morning. As time went by the thirty minutes turned into fifteen, then five... then none were necessary. Those feelings were replaced, buy feelings of saddness. Using the same technique, soon the saddness was gone. Indifference became the order of the day. I've heard of many people using that way of allowing a ceetain amount of time per day for emotions or worry. I guess I ended up doing it in longer spells. Other life events have preoccupied me for the last ten months so I think that played into it. Deaths in the family and my fathers major change in health are a few. We all have our unique ways of dealing with things. Bottom line is that today i feel better than I've felt in years.. Peace of mind is priceless.
Author sumdude Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 My commandments when I feel sorry for myself: 1. She is not thinking of you right now! 2. She does not care about you anymore! 3. Right now when you are lying in bed thinking of her and the past she is doing her new boyfriend screaming his name. 4. Going up to her and confessing your love to her and how you want her back and can't stop thinking about her only works in movies and will drive her even farther away. 5. The past is the past nothing you can do can make you go back and relive it. 6. the most important :"SHE IS GONE! YOU WILL NEVER BE WITH HER AGAIN! STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF AND GET OUT THERE AND FIND SOMEONE NEW! THERE ARE OTHER FISH IN THE SEA AND BETTER FISH IN THE SEA! MOVE ON ALREADY!" 7. Go have a great time and see what you are missing! (If you are a woman just substitute she with he unless you are a lesbian!) This helps me because it is reality although I would be lying if I said I don't have bad days anymore! All good stuff. Just keep in mind that most of those ideas still have the She/He factor in them. Which means you are thinking about her. In time that will change to the IT of the memory of her and that's another step. I suppose it may be a strange concept but really we do end up pining away for and angry at a memory. The real person you're likely not even interacting with. You have no idea how they feel, what they think about, what they are doing, or who LOL... so we conjure up all these images with our imaginations. We keep the relationship alive in our minds that way..
MalachiX Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 You can't love a memory but I recently discovered you can love a goat. And I live in the South where it's still perfectly legal (though homosexuality isn't...)
motive2002 Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 It's like investing money into a company that's already out of business I'm gonna keep this little analogy in my head for a while. I like it.
MaximilianL Posted August 30, 2008 Posted August 30, 2008 Oh my god. Sumdude, you don't understand how much this post helped me. It really got me thinking for the last 4 days haha. I started to try to understand and see it that way, and the memories are really fading,IT REALLY WAS JUST ME GIVING AND GIVING. Since then I've been taking care of my self so much, and even gotten offers to do parttime modelling and have pretty much moved on, just waiting to talk to her(ex) when she comes back to University of Toronto and see if we can work things out.
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