Blu_Eyes225 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Yesterday I told him that I was done playing his games and he admitted to being addicted to online porn!!! Now if that aint a kick in the butt...so how does one ever trust again...He has made an appointment with a counselor but I dont think it will change the way I feel, apparently it has been going on for 6 months so he says, and he swears he didnt have sex with anyone....but to me the thought of it is just as bad, he crossed the line and that to me is cheating! he has been sneaking around wether on or off line it doesnt make a difference....and the fact that he has had contact with an actual person (the jeep girl) he was taking the next step beyond the online porn, but he got busted!
Moose Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Addictions make people do irrational things. You're taking this as a personal issue, when this is truly a sickness. Have you ever thought of this way? Please excuse me, I didn't read Part 1, (about jeep girl), but seriously, an addiction is an illness and should be viewed as such, not as a personal attack against you.... IF, and I said, "if" you love your husband, you would help him through this and not hold it against him, (even as tough as that may be) otherwise you won't grow from this at all, you'll just harbor negative feelings against him, and it'll be over...
Tyra Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Well,I don't know what type of advice you are looking for necessarily,but I do know that you have the right to be upset.I don't know if this counselor is going to help him out,or not.But at least it's a try.Who knows?I'm like you,I don't think it will change the way you feel.Six months,that's quite a long time.Let me ask you this.If you didn't tell him that you were tired of playing his games,do you think he would've admitted this stuff to you? Oh this is your husband?
Author Blu_Eyes225 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 he was my fiance...we were together 4 years up until yesterday!! No he wouldnt have admitted that he had a problem if I hadnt called him on it! Can you please tell me what these escort sites are about, he mentioned something about an escort site, are they porn sites or actual ways to hook up with one, if so I need to go get checked!
Author Blu_Eyes225 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Moose: I understand that it is an addiction, but it doesnt make it any easier dealing with it !
Tyra Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I dont' know what escort sites he was mentioning about. But if you don't know, an escort service is actually meeting up with a person.
Ronni_W Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I understand that it is an addiction, but it doesnt make it any easier dealing with it ! I heard this someplace, I think it was about alcoholism: View the addiction as being a cancer of the "self-control organs". That does put it in perspective of it not being about you, personally but, other than that, not sure if it helps you any(?) Maybe it's tougher for him to deal with it, too, cos he'd likely have to get to the root of the emotional triggers on top of any possible hormonal/chemical stuff that's also firing up the impulse -- in a way, not as "easy" as "just" going for chemo...he will need to put in his own effort and desire to overcome it. I guess if he doesn't put in a good-faith effort then, no, you wouldn't be unreasonable to excuse yourself from the relationship -- it's not what you want for yourself, and it doesn't make you happy. That's the bottom-line, I think.
Moose Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Moose: I understand that it is an addiction, but it doesnt make it any easier dealing with it !Since he's your fiance' you do have a choice....I thought you were married. If you feel this relationship isn't worth working out and addiction, just move on. If you love him enough to help him out then persue marriage, you'll need to get over the jealousy of it, and help rather than hinder.....just my .02...
Jersey Shortie Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I think you need to take the time to work out your anger and sadness at his breech in your relationship. You shouldn't feel bad or like you shouldn't be feeling anger and hurt about somethign that is very hurful. It would be great if you could push it past you, put a sunny smile on your face and dive right in there to help him. But this is the real world. At this moment, he needs to help himself first. He betrayed your trust and faith in the relationship, those are not easy things to let go of. He needs to help himself and do his part to regain those things he lost with you in the relationship. That doesn't mean you can't be supportive, but he made his choice continuously. Addiction is a sickness but it is also something people have a choice over controlling. Sometimes I think the world tries too hard to make it seem like anything you do isn't your fault..it's your "sicknesses" fault, as if it was a seperate part of you that you have no responsiblity for. If you love him enough to help him out then persue marriage, you'll need to get over the jealousy of it, and help rather than hinder.....just my .02... If he loved her enough wouldn't he never gotten into this to begin with? You can't condition advice with you would do x,y, z if you loved that person.
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 He was visiting escort sites?? That's beyond a "porn addiction." Don't marry him. He may admit to an addiction to online porn, but contacting escorts is a WHOLE different matter, and his "admission" about porn probably has nothing do with it. I'm sorry, but I have seen this before. He is probably of a cheating nature, and I would think long and hard before making the big plunge into marriage.
Alma Mobley Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Ohhh, I just looked up your previous posts. I think this says it all: 9 or so months ago I found an email that he had posted an add in the personals for a discreet encounter, he posted his cell phone number and said to call him during his business hoursThis isn't about porn -- it's about trusting him, and I don't think you can trust him. He can see a counselor, sure, but you should make plans to move on.
Jennifer26 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Usually those with sex addictions start off with porn, and work their way up to using escort services (which are prostitutes), visiting strip club, having affairs, etc. Moose is right, this isn't about you. It is hard, but try to look at his sex addiction as you would any other addiction (gambling, drinking, etc). He is doing this because he has unresolved emotional issues. There really is nothing you can do to change him either, the sooner you accept that, the better. Also, if he is going to counseling just to sooth you, it will very likely fail. He has to really want to change and break through his addiction. Also, he should be seeing a counselor who is trained in dealing with sex addiction and looking into a 12 step program would probably be beneficial too. Don't get into a cycle where you're blaming yourself, trying to spy on him and control his behavior and "fix" him. It will never work, and you'll just feel more beat down and frustrated. I would postpone the wedding until he has shown you a clear indication he is willing to work on his addiction with counseling, a support program (such as the 12 step) and doing things to be accountable and limit his exposure such as only using the computer when you're around. But he has to want to do these things as I said earlier. If you force him, it probably won't go into your favor. As my counselor said to me regarding my husband's sexual addiction - "How hard is it to type sex addiction into google and get resources for help?" And she is right. If he wanted help, he could find it very easily and so can your fiance.
2nd-Best Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Escort agencies are more less Legalized Outbound Brothels! They are hookers, and its bull if anyone says that these woman go out for dinner with men and thats it, because its sex. Anyways... if hes looking up Escorts then he was looking into getting a hooker more less.. that sucks to hear but its the truth. as for the porn thing, Every woman seems to have a problem with porn including myself, men get defensive and tell us to not be insesure and snoopy and whatever the **** else, because they are not wired the same as us, men are visual creatures, we are more emotionally tuned, i know if im upset or sad or depressed the last thing i want is sex, when im happy in my relationship then i want it, men can pretty much get horny at the site of any female hot body.. no offence men, but i think we know this is true. Funny thing is is that I never used to have this porn problem in past relationships, I blame it on the internet and easy access to pretty much any kind of thing you want to watch.. and the more you tell him NO the more hes going to do it, because then it makes it TABOO and naughty and men like TABOO!
Author Blu_Eyes225 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 THANKYOU....for all your opinions, and thankyou for the clarity on the escort thing...I am a bit grossed out at this point...to top it off now that I know what the whole escort thing is it definatly explains why he cant pay his bills and now he has to file for bankruptcy, I certainly cant live like this, I have two sons who are in thier teen years and I want better for them and living a LIE isnt the way I want to live, so thankyou for all your honesty. the sadest part is besides his deciet he is everything I want in a man, we have all the same interests, we had fun together....do you think that if he was actually serious on getting help, would it be worth my time and effort to give him a second chance .....but then again I dont know if I can TRUST him....is it possible to regain trust???
Jennifer26 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 THANKYOU....for all your opinions, and thankyou for the clarity on the escort thing...I am a bit grossed out at this point...to top it off now that I know what the whole escort thing is it definatly explains why he cant pay his bills and now he has to file for bankruptcy, I certainly cant live like this, I have two sons who are in thier teen years and I want better for them and living a LIE isnt the way I want to live, so thankyou for all your honesty. the sadest part is besides his deciet he is everything I want in a man, we have all the same interests, we had fun together....do you think that if he was actually serious on getting help, would it be worth my time and effort to give him a second chance .....but then again I dont know if I can TRUST him....is it possible to regain trust??? Sex addiction is much like other addictions, for example; alcoholism. Sure, he may be interested in getting help but that doesn't mean it is going to stop his addiction. And maybe he'll be able to overcome it, but that doesn't mean he won't relapse. As for trust, I'm not sure. I don't trust my husband at all - but then again he's never been able to overcome his sexual addiction. No one can tell you what to do here. But I know if I had the opportunity to go back in time I would not have married my husband.
Walk Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I don't think standing by him and being miss supportive is going to help him kick his "addiction". I smoke.. its addicting. Physically and mentally addicting. I'm trying to quit and I'm not suceeding. I don't want to bad enough. Going through withdrawls is f'ing horrible and the cravings NEVER go away. (I quit for 10 months and wanted a cigarette every single minute of every day of those 10 months) Anyway... I want to quit because employers don't like my smoking, my family doesn't like my smoking, others don't like it, and in the far distant future I'll probably die of a smoking related disease (if I live that long). But *I* don't want to quit. So.. if his desire for sex from other women is an addiction, then he'll have to want to quit for himself. Not for you. Not for others. For himself. And usually the only way a person gets to the point where they want it for themselves is when they've hit rock bottom and realize they SCREWED their life up by having that addiction/habit. Having you there being supportive and understanding, maybe angry, but still there... well, frankly.. what's his motivation to quit then? It'd be for you. Not for himself. He can love you with all his heart, but that motivation still isn't going to be enough to kick an addiction. I'm having a hard time writing that 'hooking up with escorts is an addiction'. Crack is addicting. Coke is addicting. Cigarettes are addicting. having a hard time framing porn and escorts in the context of addictive substances. Same way that I have a hard time classifying Obese as a disease. I feel bad for people who are obese, and believe they deserve every ounce of help society can offer. But I cringe at calling it a disease. Just like I made a choice to smoke, they made a choice to eat. I don't have a disease called "smoking". And I don't have a disease called "sex with others"..... I'm talking about owning up to our own choices, and accepting responsibility for them... You label something a disease and suddenly people believe they were innocent victims who deserve sympathy. Same with addiction... suddenly I'm clear of any responsibility because "I'm addicted, it's not my fault I can't quit". Bullshyt.
lonelyandfrustrated Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Off topic: Walk, I quit with chantix. I had zero withdrawal, after agonizing over withdrawal for years. I only took it for two weeks--it's nasty stuff, so I recommend, if you try it, that you stay at the lowest effective dose and quit it asap. Back to thread...
Dark-N-Romantic Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Married or not. The trust thing is an issue you need to deal with yourself for yourself, just like he has to do with his porn and possibly sex/fidelity issue. Escorts are men and women who are paid to go out on dates with a person. Some do have sex with their clients, while others don't. In short, an escort is a paid you, girlfriend. While I am not going to say leave him and ditch him like so many people have already said... I do suggest you take a serious look at the relationship, go to couples and pre-marriage counseling, get as many cards on the table that you can right now. He may change, he many just be looking, but sometimes looking can lead to imaginings and imaginings into doings. He has potentially set himself up to cheat on you without him realizing it. Cheating is not something that just happens, but things we let slip in and that we play with until it gains a life of its own. So, if you are seriously thinking about continuing with him, you both need to start making some important decisions and changes to your lives now. DNR
Walk Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Off topic: Walk, I quit with chantix. I had zero withdrawal, after agonizing over withdrawal for years. I only took it for two weeks--it's nasty stuff, so I recommend, if you try it, that you stay at the lowest effective dose and quit it asap. Back to thread... Off topic... I tried it for a month. Threw up every day and tried to commit suicide. Decided I'd rather try welbutran when I get health insurance again. It is nasty stuff. back to thread...
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