Tough questions about nc

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Hi all. I have another thread in Second Chances but I moved here because right now I AM "coping".

 

No Contact SUCKS. But I realize it instills doubt in the other person. Doubt and insecurity about whether they still control you. Is that a reason to want someone back though?? I want this person because he can't live without me...not because it's some stupid power or ego trip. The question

is how long is it before they come to that conclusion??

 

The other question is how do you KNOW they want you back because it's sincere and they can't live without you?? Or if it's because of ego??

I guess that remains to be seen. I know for me..him simply getting pissed because I finally decide to look out for ME for once, is NOT going to prove he wants me. That only proves it's still about HIM.

 

Today is day 2 of NC and I'm ok. I miss him already, but I am determined to get over him. He sent me some lame ass email last night....which I ignored. If he is too dense to get it that is his issue...not mine.

 

So how will I know his efforts are not self centered? What are the 'key words" I need to hear? Yes I know action speaks louder than words, and I am hoping he will step up to the plate...but I am prepared that he might not.

 

This sucks

[brothermartin]

It all depends on what happened to cause this break-up. If you really don't want it to be about him, then keep reminding yourself that it's about you. If you want him back, then give him another chance. If you don't want him back, then leaving him alone shouldn't be a problem.

But if you want to try and fix him or change him in some way, forget that. YOU can't change him, thats his job.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Thanks BM. I don't want to change or fix him. I want a relationship with him.

He is seeing someone else but wants me there for him as his "friend", yet acts like he wants more with me. He gives me very mixed messages. I know he cares about me, but right now it's not enough for me. I realize this "relationship" is more hurtful to me

right now than good for me. He wants his cake and eat it too. To have his g/f and me there for emotional security when his relationship isn't working out. He makes comments that lead me to believe he IS interested in me then turns around and stays in his toxic relationship.

 

So this is about ME right now.

[brothermartin]

He's seeing another woman, hanging out with you, stringing you along with mixed signals,.... I'm sorry but, not trying to be a smartass, why do you want a relationship with this man?

[nopainnogain]

He probably sees you as a good friend and nothing more. It seems to bother you, you cant handle being just friends with him so you should go astray.

 

Why cant you accept that it is what it is, control your emotions and be just friends:confused:

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Because we are and have been friends for four years. This has been going on

for about the last year. I have not wanted to throw away a four year friendship

over this, but just recently it's gotten bad. And I do realize I have been stupid

for hanging around, which is why I am here now.

 

Thanks.

[nopainnogain]

Then get with some of his friends. That might wake him up:confused:

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

No pain...good question.

I have feelings for him that go beyond "friendship".

I guess it hurts me hearing about his relationship when I want more

with him.

I am pretty angry at him for giving me false hope which is why we have been fighting

a lot. So I can't talk to him right now.

[nopainnogain]

Have you guys ever kissed? or anything:confused:

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Yes....but ina jokey way. He has told me he could see himself with me.We flirt ALL the time. He emails me almost every day, and we talk on the phone all the time.

This is definetely not something I am just imagining. He emails me sometimes if we haven't talked and says he misses me.............things someone in a relationship would do. But he stays in this toxic relationship and it breaks my heart.

 

On Friday we got into a huge argument and I told him to "go be with your g/f and stop emailing me". I told him he's selfish and wants it both ways.

And he turned it around saying it was my choice to stick around and be friends with him, which is true.I have but only because he always ends up coming back to me.

So right now we are not talking.

[Treasa]

He's using you as his security blanket and fall-back girl. I can't see why you want to be with him.

 

If you can handle being just friends with him, then do so. Otherwise, it's clear that he doesn't want a serious romantic relationship with you, so I'd move on if I were in your position.

[Ronni_W]

I am pretty angry at him for giving me false hope

He can GIVE false hope all he wants...but he's wrong in thinking that you are obligated to ACCEPT it . So, why not make a promise to yourself that you're not going to allow him to do that to you ever again? Just reject his stinkin' "false hope" cos you don't want it and you don't deserve it.

 

'No contact' isn't intended to instill doubt and insecurity in the other person, though. Use it to YOUR advantage...to gain some emotional distance, to regroup and refocus, to take back your power, to determine what you do and don't want, what you will and won't tolerate, and to gain strength and courage to apply your boundaries and ensure that people treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

I am trying to move on.

I just love when someone expects you to turn your emotions off like a switch.

If I could I would not be here.

 

I thought this was a support forum. Not a "I can't believe you are there" forum.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Thanks Ronni. That's the kind of support I came here for.

I do appreciate the kind words. ..and I agree with every bit of it.

[nopainnogain]

I am trying to move on.

I just love when someone expects you to turn your emotions off like a switch.

.

 

 

yeah but you have to "turn on whats right for you " like a switch

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

You are right NPNG. Absolutely. I am realizing he was using me to make himself feel better.That's not my place. I know he is not going to put himself out there for me like I did for him. I WAS a "comfort zone" for him and nothing else..even if he says different. It sucks that this is how a four year friendship is going to end, but

I have to look out for me.

 

Note: We have not gone more than a few days without contact

in over two years.This is going to be hard for me, so please understand

if I come here a lot because I am "detoxing".

[nopainnogain]

post as much as you can . We are all here for you.

[soda]

Thanks BM. I don't want to change or fix him. I want a relationship with him.

He is seeing someone else but wants me there for him as his "friend", yet acts like he wants more with me. He gives me very mixed messages. I know he cares about me, but right now it's not enough for me. I realize this "relationship" is more hurtful to me

right now than good for me. He wants his cake and eat it too. To have his g/f and me there for emotional security when his relationship isn't working out. He makes comments that lead me to believe he IS interested in me then turns around and stays in his toxic relationship.

 

So this is about ME right now.

 

I regret to inform you that you're the one who seems to be in a toxic relationship. You are around to stroke his ego, nothing more. If he truly loved you, he would be with you. If you believe anything else, you're absolutely kidding yourself.

 

I'm not trying to be mean here, I'm trying to be honest. Many guys enter into EAs for the ego stroke. It sounds like your friend likes the feeling of getting your attention. He will keep you dangling on a string as long as you let him.

 

In the process, you're sacrificing your chance to have a healthy relationship with someone else. Your friend does not care. And one of these days, his g/f will grow tired of you being around him, and she'll tell him ENOUGH.

 

And you'll be left with regret.

 

Stay NC. Forget about him. There are too many fish in the sea to waste your time pining for the one that was never meant to be.

 

You're not a bad person. You're just not seeing this situation for what it is. Give yourself a reality check before someone else (i.e. the g/f or the friend) does. It will be less painful.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Thanks for that sobering reply Soda.That is what hurts most...thinking I have only been there for HIS benefit.

 

Anyway....day three.

 

I had off yesterday..and I wallowed and cried.

Today I am dusting myself off and getting out.

He doesn't deserve any more of my tears.

[soda]

Thanks for that sobering reply Soda.That is what hurts most...thinking I have only been there for HIS benefit.

 

Anyway....day three.

 

I had off yesterday..and I wallowed and cried.

Today I am dusting myself off and getting out.

He doesn't deserve any more of my tears.

 

You're absolutely right -- he doesn't.

 

You, however, deserve much better.