holly86 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I've been dating this guy for several months (almost a year) until we started having some small (stupid) fights. It's not that we aren't compatible, because I KNOW that we are! Since day one we had this amazing connection. It felt like we knew each other for years even though we just met. We just clicked! The fights started getting worse and worse (we never cussed or yelled at each other however). He just did little things here and there that sort of annoyed me because we were around each other EVERY DAY (starting beginning of summer)! To me the fights weren't a HUGE problem...aka I definitely wanted to work on it because I love him so much. Well I guess he developed this weird 'feeling' after the last fight we had that just kept eating him up inside. He said that he felt like we weren't going to work out right now if we tried because of this 'feeling'. He still told me how much he loved me and cared about me though. Bout a week after the break up I ended up calling him (even though he broke up with ME) to exchange stuff and talk. So we did. When we started talking he started crying while trying to explain how he felt. And I am not talking about a tear...he was almost crying harder than I was. Anyways...he still wanted to break up with me. He said it was for the best. And yes I did ask him to take me back one last time. I asked him if he just wanted to date other people and he said no. He then told me how he's slept on the couch cuz sleeping in the bed was too painful and how he felt guilty about going out to bars without me. He kept telling me how guilty he felt for dumping me, especially since I was so sweet to him and wasn't mad at all. Yet he didn't want to try work things out. He said that he didn't want to ask me to wait because it'll be selfish of him to (and he is right), but he said that there might be a tiny chance that he can get over that feeling. No guarantee, however. Even though the talk was painful I still had some kind of closure, knowing he loved me and cared about me. But the story doesn't end here. When I got home from the dinner, I decided to check my emails. I guess he hasn't logged off of his the last time he used my computer so I was still logged on it. So I looked through his inbox to find e-mails between him and some girl. It started off friendly but ended with him asking her out on a date. And that is 5 days after he dumped me. Does that mean anything? Did he dump me for someone else? Does he really love me? If so why ask her out? Is he ever going to get over that feeling? We haven't talked since. I'm doing the NC even though its hard. I still can't eat right. I felt so much better after the convo with him then THIS. I'm back to square one and very much confused? Is that what guys do to get over people?
BCCA Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Actions speak louder than words. If he thought you were the one, why let you walk? I myself have heard the "its not fair to you that I cant make up my mind" bit before. Honestly, I'm pretty sure its BS. Its one of those "its not you its me" people say so they dont look like a total jerk. Im sure he feels really guilty, and thats definitely enough to bring out some tears. But you have to put the words he says aside and look at the things he does. He is willing to risk losing you for good, and he wont tell you when he thinks he can make up his mind. BS, he's already made it up. He just doesnt want you to hate him for any number of reasons, none of them in your best interest. You dont want to be used or treated like "Plan B", trust me. If its meant to be, it will be. Its ok to hold a torch for some one, but dont let it stop you from living your life. Focus on moving on, because even if he does come back, youll be in a better place for reconnection if your mind is clear. I dont mean to give generic info, but go no contact for at least 30 days before deciding how much you want to pursue this. As for the email, you really shouldnt have looked. Aside from the fact that you will only find pain (as you did), its an invasion of his privacy. The two of you arent together, and you dont know, this could a perfectly platonic friendship he has with the other woman. And knowing that hes dating some one else did what for you - make you feel like crap? Dont torture yourself. Dont email or call him, dont check his email or myspace/facebook, box up all the pictures and memories you have around of him, and focus on getting along without him.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I've been dating this guy for several months (almost a year) until we started having some small (stupid) fights. It's not that we aren't compatible, because I KNOW that we are! Since day one we had this amazing connection. It felt like we knew each other for years even though we just met. We just clicked! The fights started getting worse and worse (we never cussed or yelled at each other however). He just did little things here and there that sort of annoyed me because we were around each other EVERY DAY (starting beginning of summer)! To me the fights weren't a HUGE problem...aka I definitely wanted to work on it because I love him so much. Well I guess he developed this weird 'feeling' after the last fight we had that just kept eating him up inside. He said that he felt like we weren't going to work out right now if we tried because of this 'feeling'. He still told me how much he loved me and cared about me though. Bout a week after the break up I ended up calling him (even though he broke up with ME) to exchange stuff and talk. So we did. When we started talking he started crying while trying to explain how he felt. And I am not talking about a tear...he was almost crying harder than I was. Anyways...he still wanted to break up with me. He said it was for the best. And yes I did ask him to take me back one last time. I asked him if he just wanted to date other people and he said no. He then told me how he's slept on the couch cuz sleeping in the bed was too painful and how he felt guilty about going out to bars without me. He kept telling me how guilty he felt for dumping me, especially since I was so sweet to him and wasn't mad at all. Yet he didn't want to try work things out. He said that he didn't want to ask me to wait because it'll be selfish of him to (and he is right), but he said that there might be a tiny chance that he can get over that feeling. No guarantee, however. Even though the talk was painful I still had some kind of closure, knowing he loved me and cared about me. But the story doesn't end here. When I got home from the dinner, I decided to check my emails. I guess he hasn't logged off of his the last time he used my computer so I was still logged on it. So I looked through his inbox to find e-mails between him and some girl. It started off friendly but ended with him asking her out on a date. And that is 5 days after he dumped me. Does that mean anything? Did he dump me for someone else? Does he really love me? If so why ask her out? Is he ever going to get over that feeling? We haven't talked since. I'm doing the NC even though its hard. I still can't eat right. I felt so much better after the convo with him then THIS. I'm back to square one and very much confused? Is that what guys do to get over people? holly86- i think you and i were dating the same guy! seriously- the answers he gave you, the crying....all the same thing as what happened to me. i'm about 2 and 1/2 months out of my break up and its really hard. ive gone no contact for a month then tried to text him to see if we could talk. he told me no, he didnt wanna make me feel worse. ive heard hes casually seeing someone else- and that just tells me his life is moving on without me. i wish i had some clear answers for you, but whats clear is that for whatever reason, these guys just dont want to try and fix the issues. its most likely THEIR issue. and although u didnt think the problems were that big of a deal (i didnt either) and fixable, they dont want to put the effort in. you cant make a relationship work when one person doesnt want to. so go ahead and hang onto the hope but bury it deep down (thats what im doing). its gonna get harder- i wont even lie to you. but its GOT to get better at some point. it has to. The only thing you can do is live your life. and give him time and space. You want him to figure this out on his own. you dont want him to have to be convinced by you- so talking does you no good. it really hurts when someone thinks the relationship isnt worth working on. its hard not to take it personally. but sometimes ur bf doesnt see the relationship in the same light you do. im so sorry you have to go through this. its horrible and i feel like crap everyday so i can sympathize 100% with you.
Author holly86 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I know I shouldn't have looked through his e-mails BUT at the time I felt like, first off, i wasn't doing anything completely wrong, because it's not like I logged on purposely to snoop and second, wouldn't knowing the fact that he's already asking some girl out on a date only help me move on? I mean if not for that I would have probably sat home and waited on him...thinking he'll without a doubt come back one day. And even though she might be a friend, he's never talked to her or about her until RIGHT AFTER we broke up. It's not like its a good friend of his and he wants to catch up on stuff. Obviously he's moving on and made up his mind which I didn't know before that e-mail. So isn't it somewhat good that I looked? I just don't understand why he can't just tell me the truth and not lead me on like he did? If he doesn't want to be with me then it shouldn't be that hard to just say so. It's not like we can be friends because we don't even live very close and the chances of us running into each other are very small! I'm sticking to NC but something is telling me that he will text, email, or even call me sooner or later. What do I do then?
BCCA Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I know I shouldn't have looked through his e-mails BUT at the time I felt like, first off, i wasn't doing anything completely wrong, because it's not like I logged on purposely to snoop and second, wouldn't knowing the fact that he's already asking some girl out on a date only help me move on? I mean if not for that I would have probably sat home and waited on him...thinking he'll without a doubt come back one day. And even though she might be a friend, he's never talked to her or about her until RIGHT AFTER we broke up. It's not like its a good friend of his and he wants to catch up on stuff. Obviously he's moving on and made up his mind which I didn't know before that e-mail. So isn't it somewhat good that I looked? I just don't understand why he can't just tell me the truth and not lead me on like he did? If he doesn't want to be with me then it shouldn't be that hard to just say so. It's not like we can be friends because we don't even live very close and the chances of us running into each other are very small! I'm sticking to NC but something is telling me that he will text, email, or even call me sooner or later. What do I do then? He doesnt want to tell you the truth because he knows it will hurt you, and then he would feel guilty. It's much easier to say whatever will work, so long as you're broken up it doesnt matter what it was really. Also, there is a chance that he wants to keep you waiting in case he decides that he cant find anyone better right now. The thing telling you that he'll call or text or email is your heart, that wants to keep faith in his return. I'm not saying its wrong, its actually quite normal, but you have to be honest with yourself. He may not make any attempts to contact you, and you have to be ready for that. I myself got the "some day we can talk, but not right now" bit, and part of me wants to believe shes just figuring things out, but the other part of me is saying she just doesnt want me around. The reason for going NC is just as important as the act. You need this time to learn how to fill that whole in your life that he's no doubt left. Find things you like to do, work out, try and date and surround yourself with friends and family. The only thing good about breakups is that pratically everyone has been through one before, and can reassure you it will get better. It may take a few months or a year, but I promise, one day you'll feel ok about it. I'm sorry you have to go through this, but if it makes you feel any better, Im in the same boat.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 BCCA- i got the same thing. "i cant talk to you because i dont want to hurt you anymore." Sometimes when there is nothing left to do, holly....you have to move on with your life and face the reality of the situation. He's not calling because its over. He may not call you.
dazed.1 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Is he ever going to get over that feeling? I don't know, to me it sounds like that "feeling" is him wanting to know if things are gonig to work out with that other girl. And that is why he "might be able to get over it, a small chance", because things might not work out with the other girl and he's keeping the option of YOU open. I think you need to forget about him,. why should you wait around for him to decide if he would rather be with you or some other girl. Don't do that to yourself, you deserve so much better. Someone said this on another thread and I really thought it was great advice: Don't make someone your priority when you are just an option. Sorry, for the pain you are going through, hang out with friends and family, that is the best thing you can do right now. Forget him.
Author holly86 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I do think that he has made up his mind on moving on BUT I don't think that he was planning on dating this girl before he broke up with me. She was the one to contact him first. As soon as she found out he was single she wrote him. So it's not like he was planning on asking her out. I am trying to face the reality and forget about him. My question is...if he does ever call...a week, month, few months from now...do I answer if I'm still madly in love with him then or not? P.s. another thing I though was weird...I went home for a weekend (my parents live quite a ways away) and he asked me to let him know when I get back so that he knows that i'm safe and ok. Why? I didn't btw...because i'm sticking to NC.
dazed.1 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I do think that he has made up his mind on moving on BUT I don't think that he was planning on dating this girl before he broke up with me. She was the one to contact him first. As soon as she found out he was single she wrote him. So it's not like he was planning on asking her out. I am trying to face the reality and forget about him. My question is...if he does ever call...a week, month, few months from now...do I answer if I'm still madly in love with him then or not? P.s. another thing I though was weird...I went home for a weekend (my parents live quite a ways away) and he asked me to let him know when I get back so that he knows that i'm safe and ok. Why? I didn't btw...because i'm sticking to NC. Ok I understand, but he still asked HER out, what he planned before is irrelivant. The answer to your question is actually another question: Are you willing to sit around and wait, wasting your time and sanity, just to find out if he choses to be with you? Remember are you an option or priority? Listen, not answering the phone when (if) he calls might seem like the hardest thing that you will ever do but it has to be done. If he really cared about your feelings and your relationship together he would have taken a break with you and reflected on your relationship ON HIS OWN, and you could have done the same. That would have been the respectful thing but that is not what he did, he asked another girl out, why should you put up with that? Put yourself first here, you need to take care of your own feelings, that is what he is doing. Serious, spend time with family and friends, they help a lot!
BCCA Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 You have to pretty much tell yourself he isnt going to call and act accordingly. I know he might, and sometimes time apart gives people time to reflect, but honestly its not very likely hes going to contact you for the reasons you want. He might need a favor or an ego boost, but the chances of him calling to say he's made the biggest mistake and wants you back are not very good. And if he did, I would be very cautious. Like some one told me, the best way to predict future behavior is to look at past behavior. Is there anything about the way he's acted so far that would realistically lead you to believe that he's going to act the way he needs to for you to be able to take him back? Just get him out of your mind as best you can until it doesnt effect you so much. Dont worry if he calls or not, thats out of your hands. Fill your time with doing other things. Relationships usually fall into place once you've given up on trying to force things.
Author holly86 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 I am seriously trying to do it...i'm trying to tell myself he doesn't care and won't ever call me. It's been very hard as I'm sure all of you know! It's the worst break up I've had to get over. And accepting that we are broken up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've been hanging out with friends and family for the past 3 weeks and it's been great! I'm learning to stand on my own again...slowly but learning. I've even gone out on a date...pretty much forced myself to. I'm definitely not ready for that quite yet though. I'm taking classes and working so it has helped a lot as well. He's not the only thing I ever think about anymore. So be proud of me! I'm still confused about how someone can throw away something that seemed so perfect so fast? He's always been the one to try and solve the problems we had while I was the one to get upset. He gave his all. I guess it just made me think that I was a bad girlfriend and my getting upset over and over pushed him over the edge. I just wish I could tell myself it's not my fault or something like that....thats all.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I am seriously trying to do it...i'm trying to tell myself he doesn't care and won't ever call me. It's been very hard as I'm sure all of you know! It's the worst break up I've had to get over. And accepting that we are broken up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've been hanging out with friends and family for the past 3 weeks and it's been great! I'm learning to stand on my own again...slowly but learning. I've even gone out on a date...pretty much forced myself to. I'm definitely not ready for that quite yet though. I'm taking classes and working so it has helped a lot as well. He's not the only thing I ever think about anymore. So be proud of me! I'm still confused about how someone can throw away something that seemed so perfect so fast? He's always been the one to try and solve the problems we had while I was the one to get upset. He gave his all. I guess it just made me think that I was a bad girlfriend and my getting upset over and over pushed him over the edge. I just wish I could tell myself it's not my fault or something like that....thats all. Holly-I really dont think it is your fault. You getting upset about things and him having to DEAL with it is something that comes along with the territory when you're in a relationship with anyone. Its not a sign of you being a bad girlfriend. It takes two to fix the problems in the relationship. Like i said, my break up was eerily similar to yours. and now thats in 2 1/2 months out, im starting to finally realize it wasnt me! it really wasnt. I think guys have issues THEY need to deal with. Whether its maturing and making someone else your priority or committing to someone for the long haul- they have issue with doing that. so instead of dealing with their feelings, they bail. They run in the other direction. They think its easier to do that than to actually acknowledge and try to figure out their problem. Remember that HE decided to end this. HE didnt want to try anymore, for whatever reason. Now HE has to realize that he made a mistake. Nothing you do or say is gonna make him see that, its just something hes gotta figure out by himself. and he might not. or it might take a really long time. Are you willing to sit around and wait for that??? I dont know how old you are, but im 25 and i certainly dont want to waste this time in my life waiting for someone who might never see that a good person and great gf was staring him in the face. How has he acted in the last 3 weeks? Have u called or text him? Has he actually done anything to get in touch with you?
Author holly86 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Do you mean the last 3 weeks before the break up or in general? If you mean before the break up then I'd have to say that he was THE most caring person! He always called or texted me or even came up to see me all the time. Every time we had a fight he would drop whatever it is he was doing and come talk about it. And once he even asked me not to break up with him because he knew that we both would be very miserable. So I never did. Then one day he just stopped doing that. Something changed and he just didn't want to 'chase' after me anymore. And the last 3 weeks after break up...no he didn't contact me...st least not first. I called him a week later and told him that we need to exchange stuff and he said ok. He said that he wanted to call but thought I was really mad and didn't want to talk to him so I wouldn't answer. After I called though...he called me back the next day, to make sure where we were meeting up and what time. We talked for a few minutes. Then he called me the day of us meeting up and talked to me. Then after we talked and exchanged things, I sent him a text telling him that I won't be going home till Friday and he then took 3 hours to respond (he usually writes back immediately) and said something along the lines 'thanks, be careful and have fun'. Then I saw the e-mail and he actually wrote her before he ever wrote me back. So yes parts of me are forcing myself to forget him and stop thinking about him. BUT I know that in the past he's contacted his ex's after break ups. I just can't believe he would completely turn around and be so careless. That's why I am blaming myself for this...cuz he used to be ALWAYS the one to apologize...almost never did I do it.
HopeDiesLast Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 its natural to blame it on yourself. i did too. and then something just hit me like "ya know what, i was a GREAT GF." i was. i did nothing but love him. and he obviously cant see the value in that. something in him changed- maybe he got scared, maybe he got bored, maybe he lost feelings. who knows- only him. and he probably isnt going to tell you. but you dont know if thats gonna come back. you dont know if hes gonna go date some girls and realize hes got something great with you. maybe hell go date some girls and realize he wasnt ready to committ to you. who knows. but all you can do now is live your life and let whatever happens, happen.
dazed.1 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I am seriously trying to do it...i'm trying to tell myself he doesn't care and won't ever call me. It's been very hard as I'm sure all of you know! It's the worst break up I've had to get over. And accepting that we are broken up is the hardest thing I've ever had to do. I've been hanging out with friends and family for the past 3 weeks and it's been great! I'm learning to stand on my own again...slowly but learning. I've even gone out on a date...pretty much forced myself to. I'm definitely not ready for that quite yet though. I'm taking classes and working so it has helped a lot as well. He's not the only thing I ever think about anymore. So be proud of me! I'm still confused about how someone can throw away something that seemed so perfect so fast? He's always been the one to try and solve the problems we had while I was the one to get upset. He gave his all. I guess it just made me think that I was a bad girlfriend and my getting upset over and over pushed him over the edge. I just wish I could tell myself it's not my fault or something like that....thats all. And we will never know why some people do some things but you are taking all the right steps to get yourself back on track and feeling better. You are doing great and know that time will seriously take the pain away: you already have seen signs of that! So just keep up the NC and a postitive outlook that YOU will be ok.
chacha7 Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 oh mann that last part of the story is scary! Do not get back with him, he definently broke up with you bc he had some crush on someone else and wanted to see what would happen. It probably didn't work out or something and now he feels bad. That "feeling" was him wanting to go out with someone else. If that was the case, he should have told you right from the start, then maybe you would have understood the breakup more and he wouldn't have lied to you, not that it would have made you feel good in any other way probably. I was just broken up with by my bf the other day, and we were together for 2.5 years. It was was also bc of a list of annoyances and some other things that I thought were stupid, but not really enough to break up. I really hope that doesn't happen to me and im sorry it happened to you. you sound smart and definently deserve better! Read my post too, I need some advice as well. thanks!
Author holly86 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Thank you all for the support! Here's a little update on the situation. He sent me a text a earlier today and asked me if i got home ok from my trip to see my parents! I didn't respond at first...figured I'd wait or not write at all. Well he emailed my friend and asked her if I was ok and if she's talked to him. She said he sounded very concerned. So bout 40 min to and hour later I ended up texting him. All I said was "Ya I did. Thanks." No questions, just plain and simple. Whats up with that? And I know he could've just looked at my profile and seen that I've updated a few things (the message he sent to my friend was via facebook as well). Is he really concerned or is he just playing games?
BCCA Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 Thank you all for the support! Here's a little update on the situation. He sent me a text a earlier today and asked me if i got home ok from my trip to see my parents! I didn't respond at first...figured I'd wait or not write at all. Well he emailed my friend and asked her if I was ok and if she's talked to him. She said he sounded very concerned. So bout 40 min to and hour later I ended up texting him. All I said was "Ya I did. Thanks." No questions, just plain and simple. Whats up with that? And I know he could've just looked at my profile and seen that I've updated a few things (the message he sent to my friend was via facebook as well). Is he really concerned or is he just playing games? Sounds like games to me.
Author holly86 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 But why playing games? If he moved on then why not leave me alone? I mean he obviously lied to me about the 'feeling' because he felt guilty about telling me the truth then why do this? He knows it will only upset me....so if he didn't want to upset me a few weeks ago by lying to me then why do it now?
BCCA Posted August 28, 2008 Posted August 28, 2008 But why playing games? If he moved on then why not leave me alone? I mean he obviously lied to me about the 'feeling' because he felt guilty about telling me the truth then why do this? He knows it will only upset me....so if he didn't want to upset me a few weeks ago by lying to me then why do it now? Selfishness. Dont expect some one breaking up with you to ever have your best interests in mind. My ex would probably give a crap if she ran over me on her way home later. Just ignore him and move on. Its really better, trust me. Unless he says he is sorry and shows some actual remorse and a desire to make things right, its pointless.
Author holly86 Posted September 2, 2008 Author Posted September 2, 2008 I've been going through an emotional roller coaster the past week. I boxed up all of the pictures and cards and presents he gave me and it felt GREAT! Then the next morning I woke up and started crying. The dream I had was of us getting back together. It seemed so real. I don't know...one minute I'm happy that it's over because I'm starting to enjoy all the freedom I have, then I get back to being super sad. I just don't understand. One of my old guy friends called me up (who is super nice and handsome) and we ended up hanging out but I just felt guilty! I want to keep hanging out with him but I can't seem to stop thinking bout my EX. Why? One of my ex's friends started IMing me and we talked about most random things...he then told me that my ex and him went out for a friends birthday and told me the place he went to. Well the funny thing is...my friends ended up going there that night and I told them that I just didn't feel right bout going there (not knowing he was gonna be there). The place is 50 minutes away from where I live. So I told his friend that I guess I'm glad that I didn't go because I didn't want to watch my ex hit on other girls. He said that my ex didn't at all. That every time he goes out he only hangs out with the boys....no girls involved. That made me feel better yet I'm still confused. I'm going through stages of hating my ex, being super upset about the break up to being extremely happy...all within one day. HELP!
0hpenelope Posted September 2, 2008 Posted September 2, 2008 I've been going through an emotional roller coaster the past week. I boxed up all of the pictures and cards and presents he gave me and it felt GREAT! Then the next morning I woke up and started crying. The dream I had was of us getting back together. It seemed so real. I don't know...one minute I'm happy that it's over because I'm starting to enjoy all the freedom I have, then I get back to being super sad. I just don't understand. One of my old guy friends called me up (who is super nice and handsome) and we ended up hanging out but I just felt guilty! I want to keep hanging out with him but I can't seem to stop thinking bout my EX. Why? One of my ex's friends started IMing me and we talked about most random things...he then told me that my ex and him went out for a friends birthday and told me the place he went to. Well the funny thing is...my friends ended up going there that night and I told them that I just didn't feel right bout going there (not knowing he was gonna be there). The place is 50 minutes away from where I live. So I told his friend that I guess I'm glad that I didn't go because I didn't want to watch my ex hit on other girls. He said that my ex didn't at all. That every time he goes out he only hangs out with the boys....no girls involved. That made me feel better yet I'm still confused. I'm going through stages of hating my ex, being super upset about the break up to being extremely happy...all within one day. HELP! Oh holly86... Here's a mantra that took a long time to work its "magic" on me, but... at least it still worked: "Knowing anything about him will do me no good. I don't want to know that he's happy without me, I don't want to know that he's sad, I don't want to know anything that he's doing because it won't do myself any good." Really. A lot of us are faking it 'til we make it. A couple of people have asked how I got over my situation and I tell them time and time again I'm that desperate to be over Lawrence. I'm doing what I'm doing out of sheer force, determination, will and pride. It's supposed to make you feel better in the long-term. I have my low days. When I do, I don't dwell on things. I just accept the feelings and then I got to the point where I was able to go "Okay, 0hpen, shake it off; you have to do other things. You're done for now."
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