lovestruck818 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 On the flip side, I know people who are not cohabitating and yet have been dating forever because the man just doesn't want to get married period! or doesn't want to marry that particular girl anyway. I think if anything, what statistics don't explain is that when you cohabitate, your faults and quirks are exposed in their entirety, perhaps, even magnified (this goes for both men and women by the way) and those faults can make your SO begin to doubt your compatibility. When you live apart, you can keep putting your best foot forward which may make the man think you are the best thing since sliced bread(the incentive) and then bam, you get married and he feels blindsided. How many men and women complain about their SO pulling a bait and switch once they got married? Perhaps, it all depends on your reasons for wanting to get married. If you're doing it for love of your SO, then it won't matter if you cohabitate or not, you would want him to know you inside and out and then make an informed decision about marriage. If he decides, after cohabitating, that you are not the one afterall. No arguments, you pack your stuff and get out. If you want to get married just to be married, then cohabitation becomes such a big deal because you want to "up the chances" of him proposing to you. I get what you are saying...it's a matter of opinion. I want to get married, however I want it to be with the right guy, not just get married for the sake of being married. In the relationship I am in right now, while we have our problems like every relationship does, I know he is THE ONE, the absolute one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Right now he doesn't want to be married...ever...to anyone. I am hoping & thinking this will change, but who really knows. For me, if he lived with me, it would almost always be this way- considering I am the one working and making the money and I am one who has the benefits/health plan. If he lived with me, he would pretty much be thinking "why should I marry her? I am already out of my parents house, we cook, we clean, we sleep together, we could have a child if we wanted...why should I go get a marriage license and put money into a wedding if I am getting what I want now without having to be married?" While you may not agree with it and every man & woman are different, it really does make sense.
Rorocher Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 What I've heard for women who want to cohabitate is that it's best you set your own "internal" ultimatum/clock. You can cohabitate sure, but don't do it past your internal ultimatum. If you set it at 2 years and after that if you bring it up and he starts hemming and hawing, don't even argue about it, just pack your bags and leave. After 2 years of living with a person, you should know them well enough to know if you want to take the next step. I guess this works best if you live together "smartly", i.e., maintaining your own independence in some ways, having your own money, resources, and all you need to take care of yourself by yourself. So that IF/when things go south, it would just be like extracting yourself from a roommate.
lovestruck818 Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 What I've heard for women who want to cohabitate is that it's best you set your own "internal" ultimatum/clock. You can cohabitate sure, but don't do it past your internal ultimatum. If you set it at 2 years and after that if you bring it up and he starts hemming and hawing, don't even argue about it, just pack your bags and leave. After 2 years of living with a person, you should know them well enough to know if you want to take the next step. I guess this works best if you live together "smartly", i.e., maintaining your own independence in some ways, having your own money, resources, and all you need to take care of yourself by yourself. So that IF/when things go south, it would just be like extracting yourself from a roommate. I do agree that until one is married, keep as many thing as you can seperate- def. finances! The more things you tie together, the more "marriage-like" it becomes...and the harder any situation is to get out of.
manugeorge Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I get what you are saying...it's a matter of opinion. I want to get married, however I want it to be with the right guy, not just get married for the sake of being married. In the relationship I am in right now, while we have our problems like every relationship does, I know he is THE ONE, the absolute one I want to spend the rest of my life with. Right now he doesn't want to be married...ever...to anyone. I am hoping & thinking this will change, but who really knows. For me, if he lived with me, it would almost always be this way- considering I am the one working and making the money and I am one who has the benefits/health plan. If he lived with me, he would pretty much be thinking "why should I marry her? I am already out of my parents house, we cook, we clean, we sleep together, we could have a child if we wanted...why should I go get a marriage license and put money into a wedding if I am getting what I want now without having to be married?" While you may not agree with it and every man & woman are different, it really does make sense. I get your point totally but see you are with a man who doesn't want to get married period! The fact that he doesn't want to be married at all means that he still won't propose to you either you cohabitate or not. Your chances of securing a proposal may very well decrease as a result of cohabitation because like you said, he is getting a free ride but these chances don't automatically increase because you don't cohabitate. It's not an inversely proportional situation. Now, if you say you don't want to cohabitate because you don't want him to take advantage of you, that would make more sense than not wanting to do it because you want him to propose marriage. When they start to shy away from marriage, I don't even give them a benefit of a doubt waiting for them to change their mind, I just cut my loses and move on. What makes men think the thought of marriage is easy for women? It's a risk for both genders but If I'm willing to take that risk then dammit, I don't see a reason why he shouldn't be!
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