Cohabitating with boyfriend and son

[Groovy]

My BF is moving in a month from now. I am converting the second bedroom into a room for his 16 year old son who lives with the ex on weekends. I am excited and he is so wonderful. But I am scared to death that he will see my faults magnified and leave. That I will see his issues with no escape and bail because committments, as dedicated as I am scare me a bit. That it's hard enough dealing with a life partner let alone their teenage son rolling out of bed at noon time and trying to be a positive role model. I have been with him for 1 1/2 years.

 

I am 36 and have never lived with a man. My parents were always religious and I am old enough to break away from their expectations. I know even if it doesn't work I will have life experience and learn about both of us. The son almost makes me feel like it has to work.

 

For a while I wanted to leave because I didn't see him as life partner. I wanted him to be but never saw his behavior to back me up that he is. But we talked and he has been waiting for me to ask him to move in. (He lost his house in divorce 5 plus years ago and I own so he wanted the invite first). I feel excitement, flightiness, fear and happiness all at the same time. I know we talked about getting married and we are both doing it to see how compatible we are. I feel like if I were only in my 20's I wouldn't be up ay 1 AM unable to sleep with all of this on my mind. He makes twice my income and has a lot of money saved up. I guess he sees no point in us buying a house together right now until the job economy gets better or we get married.

 

Anyone else 30 something trying to land something permanent for a first? let alone with a kid? Or someone cohabitating where it is rare to never happened before? How did you deal with it?

[Touche]

I'm sorry but first of all, I didn't really understand some of what you said here. Like this:

 

Anyone else 30 something trying to land something permanent for a first?

 

What does that mean?

 

Secondly, the things I did comprehend were not good. This has almost no chance of succeeding in my opinion.

 

This part in particular concerned me:

 

For a while I wanted to leave because I didn't see him as life partner. I wanted him to be but never saw his behavior to back me up that he is. But we talked and he has been waiting for me to ask him to move in. (He lost his house in divorce 5 plus years ago and I own so he wanted the invite first)

 

Wow, so many things wrong with that.

 

First of all let me assure you that having his son move in makes it even more likely that this will fail. You said elsewhere that:

 

The son almost makes me feel like it has to work.

 

Nope. It's just the opposite. Trust me on that. And if you don't trust me on that, look up the stats. These kind of relationships have an even higher failure rate than any other kind.

 

If I were you, I'd let him get his own place and wait until his son turns 18 and is out on his own. If you're still together then at that point move in together without the child.

 

The fact that you wanted to leave at one point and never saw him as a life partner but then later talked and now you're considering living with him and marriage is troublesome to me.

 

He's pushing things. Not a good sign at all. And you're trying to convince yourself that this will work when it has all the signs of not working.

 

Please listen to your instincts. They're telling you to not let them move in with you.

 

How do you go from not believing he's your life partner to thinking about moving him and his son in and marriage?

 

What exactly did you both talk about that made you change your mind?

[2ndWife]

First of all, congratulations on taking your relationship to the next level.

 

A few things I would think about and discuss with my bf prior to their moving in if I were in your shoes,

 

1. how do we split the expenses and works around the house

2. what will be my relationship to his son before we get married (if we ever get to that point)

3. a better understanding of their life style

4. expectations for each other about living together

 

Let me elaborate.

 

There are a few possible outcomes of you living together and the worst case is that you figure out you two are not compatible after all and your bf and his son have to move out. So finance and split expenses would be the first thing I would talk about. Money, in most cases, is a difficult topic to approach for two people prior to marriage. But I would make sure that I won't invest in something which I am not willing to in the first place and later on getting talked into it.

 

Have you visited his place before and stayed overnight? Do you have any chance to observe his and his son's behavior in the house, (I just made up a few examples) such as smoking inside the house, turning the music really loud, piling up the dishes in the sink until the plates overflow the sink, etc. that you would not allow in your house? If this happens are you ready to spend time discussing this with him and his son, after a busy and stressful day at work? Teenagers are a bit difficult to handle. Even though they are like young adults, it takes more than being their role model - once in a while disciplines maybe. As you are not yet his step-mom, do you think you'll be able to support your bf's decisions about his son which would impact your daily life at this stage and your future together?

 

I hope you have already thought about all these (and much more) If you haven't, maybe you should hold the plan of moving in together for a while. Especially after I read your other thread, I tend to agree on Touche's points. I am in a similar situation like yours (with a few minor differences - we are engaged to be married at year end and his children are all adults in their 20s but live at home) and I find some situations very difficult for me to handle.

 

Best of luck.

[lonelyandfrustrated]

If I had the opportunity to NOT live with a teenage boy, I'd take it!

 

I looked up your older man thread, too, and I think you should listen to the little voice in your head that says this isn't going to end up as you expect. If you've held out this long for marriage before living together, maybe you should keep that up. I'm afraid you're going to end up with nothing that you want for your life, and don't you deserve better than that?

[Touche]

I don't get it. I just looked up the other thread also. Fours days ago you were considering breaking up with him and starting something with some other man.

 

Now I stand by my first response on here more than ever.

 

This has "disaster" written all over it.

 

I hope you reconsider this.

 

BUT, if you insist on doing it, heed 2nd wife's advice. Discuss finances and division of labor, etc.

 

My prediction though if you do this? I give it 3 months.

 

Oh and L&F this was hysterical!

 

If I had the opportunity to NOT live with a teenage boy, I'd take it!

 

I hear you on that one!

[Ronni_W]

OP, I haven't read your other thread(s) but, from what others have posted in this one, it does sound is if caution may be wise.

 

I'd suggest that you (both) rush on over to marriagebuilders.com and complete the 'emotional needs' and 'lovebusters' questionnaires together.

Also you could consider relationship counseling...it would be pretty much be like pre-marital at this stage which, IMO, is always wise. In addition to that, perhaps you also could benefit from individual therapy, to explore fear of commitment and fear of being unlovable/abandoned due to the "faults" (or their 'size'?) that are contained in your self-image.

 

Regardless, I do hope things work out well for all of you.

[Groovy]

Let me elaborate. We met when I was 33. I have dated a lot and never felt the way I do toward him. We talked about getting married and he got cold feet. He pushed me away like men sometimes do when they get cold feet. (Let’s not pretend that doesn’t happen to a few of you).

 

My sister married her husband of 10 years and things started the same way they did for me and my BF. He got cold feet and asked for a second chance a year later regretting his shortfalls and was determined to do things different.

 

I was skeptical but know people do get cold feet and second chances sometimes work so I have been back together with him for 4 months now. Keep in mind we dated for a year before this somewhat recently.

 

In my post about an older man I NEVER stated I was leaving my life behind and hooking up for kids with him. Just that he hints at it and I sometimes thought of getting to know him better romantically despite his age.

 

That interest simply came at the mere fact that I have been committed with my boyfriend for 1 ½ years and a second time around told that he had changed. I was scared he hadn’t because apparently he never communicated he wants to move in. I own my house and he rents so I think he was waiting for me to invite. It never occurred to me.

 

He is not pushing himself on me at all. He makes twice my income and is financially responsible. He left his prior home to the ex wife for her well being despite things not working out. He planned to buy again but I think was waiting to see where we were heading in all of this. I asked for this to happen because it is what I want. I did not feel certain based on my first experience that he would share his life readily. If a girl is in love and committed to a man who she thinks is the one and he does not want to share his life then why would she not think of dating other people? To me if I love you madly and your heart isn’t in it like mine I accept your not right for me. That’s no crime. And as stated I only expressed an interest in getting to know the other person more because I wasn’t sure my BF wanted the same things.

 

So I am happy he has decided to share his life. But still a little overwhelmed. When I say land something permanent I mean have a life partner. I have never been married or lived with a man which so I lack in that experience. And yes we have talked about all the things mentioned that people should talk about.

[Touche]

Ok, well good luck then.

 

I just thought it was strange that a few days ago you were posting about being with this other guy and now you're getting your place ready for them to move in.

 

Did he change his mind in the last couple of days? What did he say that convinced you in the days since you posted about the other guy?

[lovestruck818]

My BF is moving in a month from now. I am converting the second bedroom into a room for his 16 year old son who lives with the ex on weekends. I am excited and he is so wonderful. But I am scared to death that he will see my faults magnified and leave. That I will see his issues with no escape and bail because committments, as dedicated as I am scare me a bit. That it's hard enough dealing with a life partner let alone their teenage son rolling out of bed at noon time and trying to be a positive role model. I have been with him for 1 1/2 years.

 

I am 36 and have never lived with a man. My parents were always religious and I am old enough to break away from their expectations. I know even if it doesn't work I will have life experience and learn about both of us. The son almost makes me feel like it has to work.

 

For a while I wanted to leave because I didn't see him as life partner. I wanted him to be but never saw his behavior to back me up that he is. But we talked and he has been waiting for me to ask him to move in. (He lost his house in divorce 5 plus years ago and I own so he wanted the invite first). I feel excitement, flightiness, fear and happiness all at the same time. I know we talked about getting married and we are both doing it to see how compatible we are. I feel like if I were only in my 20's I wouldn't be up ay 1 AM unable to sleep with all of this on my mind. He makes twice my income and has a lot of money saved up. I guess he sees no point in us buying a house together right now until the job economy gets better or we get married.

 

Anyone else 30 something trying to land something permanent for a first? let alone with a kid? Or someone cohabitating where it is rare to never happened before? How did you deal with it?

 

Honestly if you want to marry this guy, don't live with him. There is no incentive for a man to ask a woman to marry him if he is living with her- b/c he would already be getting everything he'd be getting from the marriage anyway. Free milk from the cow, so-to-speak.

[Groovy]

Show me some hard data that has a significant difference of marraige for people who cohabitat and don't. I personally find that research doesn't show much and would want to live with someone before marriage. Sure you may find their a different person and end up not married but to me that's a good thing to know before hand.

[alphamale]

How did you deal with it?

I actually have never lived with anyone even though i've had 4 or 5 chances. I would only live with a woman if we were married and i'm sort of anti-marriage anyways. My experience is that many couples live together for financial reasons mainly.

[lovestruck818]

Show me some hard data that has a significant difference of marraige for people who cohabitat and don't. I personally find that research doesn't show much and would want to live with someone before marriage. Sure you may find their a different person and end up not married but to me that's a good thing to know before hand.

 

http://centralillinoisproud.com/content/fulltext/?cid=3570

This says people who live together before marriage have higher divorce rates

http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/363507/does_cohabitation_before_marriage_really.html?cat=41

the last sentence of this states many couples who live together prior to marriage either divorce or never marry at all

 

I can't find exact proven evidence right now about a less of an incentive to get married, but it makes sense doesn't it? Leads to higher divorce rates though, and that can be proven. Look it up- it's all over the internet.

[Groovy]

I have read the above article along with some more on-line as well. I also looked at http://www.unmarried.org that shows 50% of people who co-habitat marry and 40% go their separate ways within 5 years. That still is a high chance. I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t mind being engaged while we live together as another symbolism of our commitment. But it’s not entirely how I want to do things and there’s compromise.

 

We already discussed he doesn’t plan to live with me as his commitment and his style is marriage. I plan to give it a few months and bring up the topic more. I don’t plan to be one of those women living with him 5 years later or even 1 ½ years later. Time will tell. As stated it is a life experience either way. Of course part of me wants to be married but I don’t know that cohabitation is wrong either, even with kids involved. Ideally marriage is what many women want. But everything including living alone and cohabitation have their pros and cons.

[lovestruck818]

I have read the above article along with some more on-line as well. I also looked at www.unmarried.org that shows 50% of people who co-habitat marry and 40% go their separate ways within 5 years. That still is a high chance. I won’t lie and say I wouldn’t mind being engaged while we live together as another symbolism of our commitment. But it’s not entirely how I want to do things and there’s compromise.

 

We already discussed he doesn’t plan to live with me as his commitment and his style is marriage. I plan to give it a few months and bring up the topic more. I don’t plan to be one of those women living with him 5 years later or even 1 ½ years later. Time will tell. As stated it is a life experience either way. Of course part of me wants to be married but I don’t know that cohabitation is wrong either, even with kids involved. Ideally marriage is what many women want. But everything including living alone and cohabitation have their pros and cons.

 

It's not wrong, but from a guy's POV, why would a guy ever propose to a girl if living together is like being married anyway, minus the legalities. I know if i was a guy I would never propose to a girl if i was liivng with beforehand. If I am getting it for free, why pay for it? Marriage is expensive anyway and ties ya down.

[Lizzie60]

Show me some hard data that has a significant difference of marraige for people who cohabitat and don't. I personally find that research doesn't show much and would want to live with someone before marriage. Sure you may find their a different person and end up not married but to me that's a good thing to know before hand.

 

 

You never know someone well enough unless you live with him/her.. I would never marry without trying first..

 

I say.. go with the flow.. I think you're way too nervous about all this. just relax.. and see where it goes.. it's YOUR house so if it's not working.. you just throw them out.. end of story... you still have your home..

[lovestruck818]

You never know someone well enough unless you live with him/her.. I would never marry without trying first..

 

I say.. go with the flow.. I think you're way too nervous about all this. just relax.. and see where it goes.. it's YOUR house so if it's not working.. you just throw them out.. end of story... you still have your home..

 

yeah but it's not so easy to just throw someone out...what is OP supposed to do, physically pick hef boyfriend up and throw him & stuff out the front door?

[Lizzie60]

yeah but it's not so easy to just throw someone out...what is OP supposed to do, physically pick hef boyfriend up and throw him & stuff out the front door?

 

I would think it would be easier than to go through all the divorce process... it's HER house after all.. he would leave..

[lovestruck818]

I would think it would be easier than to go through all the divorce process... it's HER house after all.. he would leave..

 

but just b/c he is supposed to leave, doesn't mean he actually would. Furthermore, living with someone doesn't avoid a divorce...it actually helps it...50% of couples who live together before marriage get divorced, with 40% never marrying at all. Those are pretty high odds.

[Groovy]

I agree that is men's attitudes a lot of the time. He has met my down to earth modest family and has not seen where they live and does not know they are millionaires where I will inherit a lot from them. I was thinking maybe I should be the one who doesn't want marriage if I can have the life without the legalaties! My father wants me to have a prenup if it should come to marriage and it probably would not be well received. Technically I want that committment because it is not the same as cohabitating but maybe there are good things about the fact I am not that I had not thought of as women are taught to be so marriage minded.

 

I do need to relax:) I would recommend a women in her 20's not cohabitat. Give herself the opportunity for children and marraige. Women in their mid to late 30's it's hard enough finding someone who matches who we are (spiritually, financially, intellectually), who is single, available and wants committment. Finding a man single without debt at my age is hard enough! I see women in their 50's still waiting for a situation with societies approval. They live alone and die alone. I want to do this and am still excited. I love him. Times are a changing and people who are gay couples adopt, people who are married are not always happy, some people who cohabitate are...a big mixed bag. The married with kids happily is not the majority. Statistics are good to know but do not speak to individual circumstance about what we want and where we are in our lives.

[Rorocher]

Honestly if you want to marry this guy, don't live with him. There is no incentive for a man to ask a woman to marry him if he is living with her- b/c he would already be getting everything he'd be getting from the marriage anyway. Free milk from the cow, so-to-speak.

 

I really don't get this line of reasoning, can you elaborate?. I thought a man who doesn't want to marry you, will not marry you regardless of if you cohabitate or not.

[lovestruck818]

I really don't get this line of reasoning, can you elaborate?. I thought a man who doesn't want to marry you, will not marry you regardless of if you cohabitate or not.

 

B/c living with someone is already like being married to them, minus the legalities of course- it is not easy for a man to get down on one knee and be with the same woman for the rest of his life- so why not just live with her, act like you are married and then there are no legalities attached? No pre-nup needed. Problem solved.

 

And, yes, someone who is not into marriage probably wont marry regardless, but if someone is on the fence about it and he lives with his gf beforehand, I think there would be a less of chance he would want to get married.

[lovestruck818]

Plus, weddings are expensive. Living with them and not getting married is a good way to save money.

[manugeorge]

B/c living with someone is already like being married to them, minus the legalities of course- it is not easy for a man to get down on one knee and be with the same woman for the rest of his life- so why not just live with her, act like you are married and then there are no legalities attached? No pre-nup needed. Problem solved.

 

And, yes, someone who is not into marriage probably wont marry regardless, but if someone is on the fence about it and he lives with his gf beforehand, I think there would be a less of chance he would want to get married.

 

But if being married is such a hassle, then why would he even want to do it with a woman he's not cohabitating with?

 

If cohabitating makes it less likely for a man to propose marriage, living separately doesn't in turn make it MORE likely for him to propose. The only thing living apart does is to make it less of a hassle to dissolve the relationship..i.e, not having to find a new apartment, etc.

 

That's where your argument falls apart, one act doesn't result in another.

 

If he's going to live with a woman anyway, pool his money, etc, the "legalities" is usually just a piece of paper in most people's eyes. What would be the big deal in signing that?

 

And as far as weddings being expensive and saving money, what if the woman doesn't want an expensive wedding? or even a wedding at all?

[lovestruck818]

But if being married is such a hassle, then why would he even want to do it with a woman he's not cohabitating with?

 

If cohabitating makes it less likely for a man to propose marriage, living separately doesn't in turn make it MORE likely for him to propose. The only thing living apart does is to make it less of a hassle to dissolve the relationship..i.e, not having to find a new apartment, etc.

 

That's where your argument falls apart, one act doesn't result in another.

 

If he's going to live with a woman anyway, pool his money, etc, the "legalities" is usually just a piece of paper in most people's eyes. What would be the big deal in signing that?

 

And as far as weddings being expensive and saving money, what if the woman doesn't want an expensive wedding? or even a wedding at all?

 

living with someone is the easy thing- the "legalities" are the hard thing...b/c that's what binds you to this other person for life...and getting out of it is a lot harder than getting into it (the marriage, I mean).

 

I think living seperately DOES increase the chances of getting married, esp. if the woman is adamant about not living with him pre-engagement. If the man really wants to live with the girl but she wont let him, once he gets married to her, he can then live with her...and there's the increased incentive right there.

 

Maybe that's a crappy reason to marry someone, but, the statistics don't lie. Furthermore, all of my female friends who want to get married have lived with their boyfriends for over 2 years now...and it's bnot going to happen anytime soon (I have asked their boyfriends). Had they been living together, perhaps they'd already be engaged, if not married.

[manugeorge]

living with someone is the easy thing- the "legalities" are the hard thing...b/c that's what binds you to this other person for life...and getting out of it is a lot harder than getting into it (the marriage, I mean).

 

I think living seperately DOES increase the chances of getting married, esp. if the woman is adamant about not living with him pre-engagement. If the man really wants to live with the girl but she wont let him, once he gets married to her, he can then live with her...and there's the increased incentive right there.

 

Maybe that's a crappy reason to marry someone, but, the statistics don't lie. Furthermore, all of my female friends who want to get married have lived with their boyfriends for over 2 years now...and it's bnot going to happen anytime soon (I have asked their boyfriends). Had they been living together, perhaps they'd already be engaged, if not married.

 

 

 

On the flip side, I know people who are not cohabitating and yet have been dating forever because the man just doesn't want to get married period! or doesn't want to marry that particular girl anyway.

 

I think if anything, what statistics don't explain is that when you cohabitate, your faults and quirks are exposed in their entirety, perhaps, even magnified (this goes for both men and women by the way) and those faults can make your SO begin to doubt your compatibility.

 

When you live apart, you can keep putting your best foot forward which may make the man think you are the best thing since sliced bread(the incentive) and then bam, you get married and he feels blindsided.

 

How many men and women complain about their SO pulling a bait and switch once they got married?

 

Perhaps, it all depends on your reasons for wanting to get married. If you're doing it for love of your SO, then it won't matter if you cohabitate or not, you would want him to know you inside and out and then make an informed decision about marriage. If he decides, after cohabitating, that you are not the one afterall. No arguments, you pack your stuff and get out.

 

If you want to get married just to be married, then cohabitation becomes such a big deal because you want to "up the chances" of him proposing to you.