Need a better articulation for explaining this to my girlfriend

[Art_Critic]

She's dumping you because you're now her mommy's puppet. And she doesn't want her parents to save her.

 

Hummmm.. good point....

[almost famous]

I agree, an "I'm sorry" with a "but" after it is not a true apology. It's an excuse. I was thinking that when I read that.

[Ruby Slippers]

Dude.. you blamed her while apologizing...and also made excuses..

Totally. People who apologize like this -- I would rather they just didn't bother. "I'm sorry you didn't know" is not the same as "I'm sorry I didn't tell you". Take responsibility for what you did wrong.

[rod_in_gtown]

It seems to me that she's looking for an excuse to get out of the relationship, and doesn't want to be the bad guy. Regardless of fault on this instance, she is immature, and has a destructive/addictive personality. This will not do anything but drag you down with her. She doesn't put herself on other people's shoes. I find this is a MAJOR BASIC character flaw, if she can't get to this VERY basic point in human interaction, she will NEVER appreciate anything you do, you will never be good enough and you'll probably end up blowing your brains out shortly after blowing hers.

 

It sounds to me like you're a good guy with a good head on his shoulders, and it sounds to me like she's a little spoiled brat who has had everything handed to her in a silver platter.

 

I say let her go. I've found that Karma is VERY real and she does make her rounds. You should be looking for someone who appreciates you for who you are and your considerate efforts.

[Storyrider]

I would get her into this a little further. Perhaps hearing from her mother might ease your gf's mind a bit - that it was an offer of goodwill to you (to help your financial situation), and because she (the mother) was concerned about her daughter's grades. If that makes any sense. Would something like that be possible?

 

No!!!!! (Sorry Katherine, no offense)

 

The creepy part of this would be finding out that my boyfriend and my mother were talking about me behind my back, and sharing a secret about me, in an attempt to fix me.

 

Yeah, that is sexy.

[underpants]

Oh no,

 

This relationship might be too damaged and the tutoring thing may have just been a gateway for you to see it.

 

You should have told her and discussed it with her before you accepted cash from her parents.

 

I see your point about her spending habits outweighing your own abilities. You may have seen it as a way to help her and be in good with the mom. However, you should have been forthcoming with your priority (gf) before deciding for what was essentially both of you.

 

Whatever her reasons, motivations, addictions or lifestyle. I really don't see this as such a deal breaker if you both can be mature enough to get past the speedbump and on a mutally respectful path. However, you do say she is very immature. Perhaps this is your dodged bullet?

 

Perhaps in the end you two are incompatible in ways that cannot be rectified?

 

Time to have an honest talk.

[Vertex]

Vertex... how do you end up with these women?!? The last one you posted about sounded just like this one.

 

You really seem to like those spoiled little rich girls, don't you? The ones who are experts at emotionally manipulating others, can skate through life while others clean up her messes. (Yeah I'm assuming plenty here... so shoot me. ) The girl is partying so hard that she's barely making it to the end of the semester. You're busting your balls trying to pull her out of her nose dive so she can stay in school. Her mom's working behind her back to save her spoiled little behind. Every one in the world is putting in over time to keep this girl on the right track, and she's hell bound in running wild.

 

She's not dumping you because you tutored her for money. She's dumping you because you're now her mommy's puppet. And she doesn't want her parents to save her.

 

You assume correctly -- absurdly accurately, at that. Everyone's pouring in all this effort to keep her afloat except herself. She just does whatever she wants and leaves everyone else to take the brunt. Meanwhile, here I am putting myself through college, dealing with a fragmented family as a result of death, dealing with my own studies and money issues, and then dealing with all her **** too. She has not done a single similar thing in a reciprocating way and I don't know why I put up with it all. I don't know how I hit the same bullet twice.

 

 

 

As for the apology thing, I said I was sorry that I hurt her feelings and I meant it. However, I see nothing wrong with explaining my justification for my actions. Doesn't make me any less sorry.

 

Regardless, I think I need to move on. She's basically taken me down with her for the past two years. My grades have sucked and my money's dwindled, all in the name of "love." I've done so much to support her but she's just so spoiled and unappreciative. This runs a lot deeper than this one tutoring issue, but it angers me so much. I don't know why I have so much trouble finding a normal girl.

 

 

I understand that not telling her that I accepted money to tutoring might make someone mad. But you know what, I honestly feel like she should just suck it up. I don't care if I "am in the wrong" on this one somehow. Most of that money was spent on her. I've put up with her drunken rages, including one instance where she physically assaulted me. I had to seriously keep the cops from throwing her ass in jail. I've kept her from failing her classes. I've dealt with her bulimia (she has it worse than most), her drug abuse, her smoking and drinking habits... I've tolerated the namecalling. I've dealt with her sexual slights. I've put up with the property damage. She receives money constantly from her parents so she doesn't care how much she spends. Meanwhile, I'm put at risk for going broke trying to keep up. So you know what, if I happen to accept a little money from her mother to tutor her unmotivated rear so I can have money to pay for things SHE wants to do... god forbid! That's just so damn deplorable.

 

Seriously, reading over that last paragraph, I am shocked at how illogical I've become. She's clearly not the right woman for me. I'm capable of so much more than this. My brain has taken a backseat for too long... this is just an unhealthy relationship. I don't even care to argue this any further with her. I'll let her be someone else's problem. I know my apology to her sounded rather "backhanded" but in all honesty, while I am sorry that I may have hurt her feelings, I also do not regret it. I've done so much for her and she's treated me like crap. Where's my apology?

 

At the core of it all, I'm just such a lonely person without a girlfriend. I think I just held onto her for dear life because I wanted someone in my life. But gah, at what cost? I've gained nothing from this but a huge headache. I've screwed up. I'm smarter than this.

[kchiapet95]

I agree, buh-bye!

 

And someone said it's not sexy to find your mom and BF are talking about you. I agree, but then act like an adult. Stop drinking too much, take responsibility for your own grades and get your stuff together. Mommy's probably got an interest in the education, she's paying for it. She has the right to hire a money for a tutor. It directly affects her. If the girl was getting student loans, that's a different story. Then I'd say, let her p*ss it away, she's only hurting herself.

 

Your girlfriend (or ex) needs to grow up.

[Art_Critic]

I understand that not telling her that I accepted money to tutoring might make someone mad. But you know what, I honestly feel like she should just suck it up. I don't care if I "am in the wrong" on this one somehow. Most of that money was spent on her. I've put up with her drunken rages, including one instance where she physically assaulted me. I had to seriously keep the cops from throwing her ass in jail. I've kept her from failing her classes. I've dealt with her bulimia (she has it worse than most), her drug abuse, her smoking and drinking habits... I've tolerated the namecalling. I've dealt with her sexual slights. I've put up with the property damage. She receives money constantly from her parents so she doesn't care how much she spends. Meanwhile, I'm put at risk for going broke trying to keep up. So you know what, if I happen to accept a little money from her mother to tutor her unmotivated rear so I can have money to pay for things SHE wants to do... god forbid! That's just so damn deplorable.

 

 

Well now.. this seems to go further than just the whole tutoring thing...

 

Drug abuse, Domestic Violence, Alcohol abuse, Property Damage, Name Calling...

 

Eff her breaking up with you.. It sounds like YOU should be breaking up with her...

 

Sorry about what you are going thru dude...

[Kamille]

I read the whole thread yesterday and didn't know what to respond because I probably wouldn't have been offended had I found out my (imaginary) partner was receiving money for tutoring me. Perhaps a bit weirded out, I would have likely wanted to know why he'd never told me, but then I would have gotten over it and understood your arguments rather rapidly.

 

I surely wouldn't make it an issue to break up over.

 

All the details you've since added lead me to believe you're dating a drama queen. You've apologized, she refused to hear it. You've done all that you could do.

 

 

At the core of it all, I'm just such a lonely person without a girlfriend. I think I just held onto her for dear life because I wanted someone in my life. But gah, at what cost? I've gained nothing from this but a huge headache. I've screwed up. I'm smarter than this.

 

Yes, being single can be lonely - but I think you need a few months of learning how to pick your partners better - and that involves being comfortable on your own. Being single can be amazing in terms of mental focus... You know the time you dedicate to figuring out how to make a dysfunctional relationship work? All yours to focus on your own pursuits.

[Walk]

At the core of it all, I'm just such a lonely person without a girlfriend. I think I just held onto her for dear life because I wanted someone in my life. But gah, at what cost? I've gained nothing from this but a huge headache. I've screwed up. I'm smarter than this.

 

You are smarter than this. Any woman would be lucky to have a guy like you as a bf.

 

Also, I don't think you held on to her out of loneliness. I think you need to feel needed. I think you fear being disposable. If I remember correctly, your family hasn't been good at showing you love unless you were getting something accomplished for them. Seems like you learned that to garner your family's love, then you have to make them need you for something. Your gf, from what you said, seemed to need you constantly. Always something.. money, help with school, someone to bail her out of jams, validate her, fuss over her. I think it made you feel needed.

 

I have a hard time believing it was lonliness that made you stay. You must've been lonely in that relationship, even with her around. I can't picture you feeling much of a connection with her... not the strong one-on-one connection that would ease lonliness.

[Vertex]

I think you're right as usual :/ Just not sure how to reconcile it all.

[Vertex]

I think I do need to be needed. All throughout school I've loved being the "go-to" guy. It felt nice to know that if people couldn't figure something out or needed to get out of a bind, they knew they could always come to me and I'd be able to help them out. As a nice side effect, it reinforced my efforts and I'd earn a reputation as someone who knew what they were doing. It was good to know that my skills/abilities were perceived as being that strong.

 

I mean, this carries over into relationships. My girlfriends have generally been able to count on me for anything. Unfortunately I think I've just let certain people take advantage of me/use me in the process, as a very negative residual side-effect of trying to be accomodating.

 

As an aside I do think I get lonely, however. There are times when I am alone/single when I have this sinking feeling of isolation. I've always imagined a life partner as someone who's been with you through thick and thin, and who knows your every facet, detail, and trait down to absurd precision -- and vice-versa. A breakup, to me, just makes me feel alone. I no longer feel as if I am with someone who I share that kind of intimacy with -- the only person I can lean back on is myself. I no longer have that person to learn about. It's just hard for me to give up, or to accept that others give up and essentially say "I don't love you anymore." To me, words like that signify a lot. It's basically a resignation -- that tacit "agreement" to work things out becomes null. Before, you knew that problems suck, but you'd get over them, and at the end of the day, you'd still be together. To break up just says the problems are either not worth fixing, or are not fixable.

 

Either way, it just makes me feel like crap. I have a hard time knowing when to let go, and a hard time understanding when it's better to bail versus when it's worth fixing. This relationship was clearly not worth fixing.

 

It's really late here and I'm not making much sense. Hopefully someone understands what I am trying to say, lol. I'll elaborate later if anyone cares.

[Walk]

I'm sorry you're going through this right now.

 

It seems like you're a very determined, driven individual. That kind of trait will make you very sucessful in life. You'll be the guy who's picked by upper management to head all critical projects, the one that gets stuff done that no one else thought could be done.

 

It can be your greatest assest and your greatest flaw. Pushing to make things work when you should've identified that the direction you're going in isn't a good one.. it's something I think you'll get quicker at identifying as your experience grows. Its the same at work as in relationships.. knowing when to say 'when' on a project that (although could be fixed) costs more then the effort you put into it. It is vitally important in life to knwo that difference. But it takes going through a several of those before you really learn how to differentiate which projects should be fought for, and which ones aren't worth the time and effort.

 

Just like this girl you were dating. The problems probably could be fixed, she should've fought to make the relationship better. But you kept fighting for it even though the end results (healthy, mutually satisfying relationship) were never going to be there.

 

The girl is bulemic, you said more so then others. She binge drinks. Is emotionally unstable. Has been physically and mentally abusive toward you. Her interests weren't comparable to yours (passing classes and graduating). She wasn't driven to do well in life. At some point, you have to acknowledge that although you two probably could've pushed through this latest issue and stayed together, the end result would not have been worth the effort. She still wouldn't have been someone who could really bring benefit to your life. Her life goals, her mentality, her ability to be supportive of you and your life.. would never be to the quality and level you would've deserved after all the effort you've put into improving her life.

 

Sometimes you have to objectively view something, remove that desire to succeed at all costs, and really look at what you're attempting to accomplish. If it isn't going to reach the goal at the level it would need to be at in order to make your effort worthwhile... then you have to acknowledge that. Its not an issue of failing, or quitting, but in being aware enough of who you are, and how you think... to realize when you're putting yourself in a situation that isn't good for yourself.

 

This girl hates herself. Bulemic people don't binge/purge because they're happy with who they are. She can't love someone else when she's hates herself. She's self-destructive and knows it. But she's incapable of changing it right now. You are not who she's running from right now, it's herself.

 

I'm sorry, again, that you're in so much pain over this. I know it hurts like hell.

[Vertex]

I just wish sometimes I could go out with a girl that's just honest and normal. I'm not asking for a supermodel or an ubergenius or a star athlete or anything -- I just want someone normal who likes to have fun and knows how to love/care and be loved. I seem to only find girls that either come loaded with issues or lie/cheat.