Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 For some reason I'm unable to conjure the words I want to say. Relevant information here: My girlfriend and I are college students. She is very rich. I'm quite poor. I've helped my girlfriend with tons of things on my own accord. I've helped her study countless hours for tests, I've dealt with her bulimia issues, I've picked up food for her whenever she's wanted it, stored her items in my room for the summer so she doesn't have to pay to pack it, etc. It's quite obvious (and, practically anyone in my dormitory could back this claim up) that I do a lot for my girlfriend. However, she's a sloppy spender. She's always wanting to go out and do something. Needless to say, this also puts a slight financial drain on me as well. There are times I refuse to go out with her because it simply costs too much. She was in danger of being kicked out of college because of her grades in two classes. Her mom, in desperation, offered to pay me to tutor her extensively. I was already teaching/helping her on my own accord, and I even told her mom that it wasn't necessary and that I'd do it for free. However, her mom told me that she plans on paying a tutor anyway, so it may as well be me. She knew I was strapped for cash, and she wanted her daughter to pass her classes. So, I accepted, as I wanted to have enough money to go out and do things more often. However, recently my girlfriend's mom let leak that she had paid me to tutor her. This made her extremely upset. Her logic is that people who care for each other should help one another for free. She feels that I took advantage and used their family for money. I feel that I am in no way doing so. I've helped her with SO many issues above and beyond what most people would put up with, simply out of my affections for her. I wanted some extra money to go out with her more often. It wasn't like I went out of my way to charge her mother, nor did I refuse to help unless I was being paid. She basically offered the money, and after a while I accepted it. I'm trying to explain to my girlfriend why I don't feel that I did anything wrong or against the nature of "people doing things for one another for free out of love." If I have indeed done something wrong, please let me know what you think. I'm having a hard time debating this issue.
Green Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I don't know if you necesarily did anything wrong but you've obviously anoyed your gf so you can't really win this on some kind of logic system. Personaly I take money from my own family and other peoples family and girls and stuff like that all the time. Its kind of strange that she had no idea her mother was paying you... were you kinda keeping this from her? Not that you did anything wrong and it sounds like you do alot for her, but I could see why she'd be mad at you... not saying its logical... but like I said you can't always explain ur way out of these things
kchiapet95 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I'm at a loss for how you should explain it. I think your GF is being a brat. This sounds like a perfectly fair arrangement to me...she should be glad her mom is helping you out. She gets better grades, you get some financial assistance. Sounds like everyone wins to me. Maybe you ought to consider tutoring others to bring in extra cash, too! Keep up the good work.
endlesstrains Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I don't think there's anything wrong with getting paid for what you are doing, but it sounds like the problem comes from your girlfriend not knowing from the start. She probably thought you were doing it out of love and caring for her, and to find out you were getting paid may have been kind of a shock. Think about it... if your girlfriend was helping you move house or something, and you thought she was doing it because she wanted to but later found out someone was paying her for it, wouldn't you be a little upset? I don't think there is anything wrong with getting paid to tutor her but her attitude is probably stemming from her not knowing from the start. I am not saying she is right to be so upset, but that it's understandable.
Art_Critic Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Your GF thought you were tutoring her out of the good of your heart and then she finds out that you weren't.. How would you feel in the same situation where you thought someone was doing something for you because they liked you and cared about you only to find out it was about money ? I think you eff'd up and you owe your GF an apology.. At the very least she should have known that you were tutoring her for money.. If she doesn't accept your apology then that would be her issue.. Think about it.. this has nothing do do with how much money she has and how little you have.. You hurt her feelings... period... This is of course only my opinion...
almost famous Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I'm with Art on this one. You kept something significant behind her back.
Green Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I'm with Art on this one. You kept something significant behind her back. It wasn't that significant... and how was he suposed to know the mom didn't tell her or wouldn't... if the mom made it sound like it was going to be a secret then I blame the mother for telling
quankanne Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 love has nothing to do with passing college courses! However, her mother, out of love and concern for your economic situation, offered a remedy that would (1) benefit her daughter and (2) give you a bit of spending money for your services. That contract is between you and mom, with your GF as beneficiary. It has nothing to do with "love," but practical matters. if she has a problem with it, tell the young lady that out of respect for her mother – and most esp. for her – you will no longer tutor her, but help her mom find someone else to take over. Because if this girl's gonna play the "love" card, she shouldn't expect an economically strapped boy to cough up money to meet her every whim
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Thing is I was already tutoring her for free out of my own accord. It's just that, at one point, her mom approached me with the offer and I accepted. I felt it was a everyone-wins situation, since the mother has the solace of knowing that her daughter won't fail, I have enough money to keep doing things, and my girlfriend is happy with that and passes her classes. I didn't think it was a big enough deal to tell her I was being paid for like 10 hours of "tutoring time" anyway. It just seemed like a universally-beneficial thing and I didn't figure it would hurt her feelings at all.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 By the way: She wants to break up over this. I apologized for the fact that she wasn't aware of the deal (even though the mother had discussed it with me in front of her at one point as a potential option, as she was in danger of being kicked out), but I don't see why the deal itself is worthy of such disapproval.
kchiapet95 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Your GF sounds EXTREMELY immature. If she wants to leave, I say let her go. I think you can do better.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Her posts on Facebook to her close circle of friends are along the lines of "I miss you all/when I get back let's go drink!/I also have very interesting stories to tell you" which to me makes me wonder if she cheated on me/messed around and just decided to use this tutoring thing as an excuse to break off without feeling guilty. She's a huge party girl and drinks often (the school has tried getting her AA help). kchiapet95: Yes, she is very immature.
jerbear Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Your GF has every right to be upset that you took money for tutoring her. I would suggest that you've used the money earned to enjoy a better life on "us" versus you. You've came clean and want to help her, if she does not accept your apology, continues to party, it will take you down with her. If she wants to continue partying and get academic dismissal, sometimes that is a way for some to learn. If she goes to the same school as you, I know that school is not a party school. Oh yeah, Welcome back.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I did use the money on the two of us. Most of my spending is going out doing things she essentially wants to do. She likes eating out more than I do. Not that I don't enjoy doing these things, but I wouldn't do them otherwise or spend nearly as much. I mean if she were unaware of the deal I can see why she'd be upset. I apologized for this. But her mom and I, at one point, had even discussed this tutoring thing as a possibility in front of her at a hotel. The tutoring gig was only for a grand total of 10 hours out of the COUNTLESS hours I had already spent helping her unmotivated ass to study and keep herself in school. EDIT: Hey! jerbear, long time no see.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Her post: I'm arriving the evening of sept 1st (next monday), and i have had a blissful 2 months legally drinking and making loooootttsss of stories to tell you I MISS YOU. OMG LETS EAT AT MIZU AND NAN OKAY.
Ronni_W Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 makes me wonder if she cheated on me/messed around and just decided to use this tutoring thing as an excuse to break off OTOH, there's no need, point or purpose to letting your thoughts go running off in that crazy direction! You can't see her point of view about the tutoring fees, and that's fine. But what you're doing is some form of, "I don't understand her logic...How can I make this make sense to me?...Ah, I know! She must have cheated on me" -- and that's kinda ludicrous, no? Put it in a different context: Your very best buddy has been coaching you in football so you can maintain your scholarship requirements. Then you find out our dad's been PAYING HIM to spend time with you on the football field. That does blow on one hand, doesn't it? It's not about whose family is rich or poor. It's about, "Holy crap, Joe, I thought you were doing it just cos you gave a crap." Kind of something like that. In the initial stages, something about it makes it all blurred and tainted. The problem is that your g/f is not looking PAST her initial feelings, which yes, is a sign of her immaturity. Her mom obviously recognized it as a good opportunity for you to also benefit, and you were wise to accept. So, perhaps that is the track to take...that yes, you understand how it felt a bit "off" to g/f AT FIRST, but you are sure if she thinks about your financial situation, she'll understand that is was an opportunity that you'd have been silly to pass up. And yes, you are sorry that you didn't mention it to her upfront but you're not particularly keen to make an issue of your financial circumstances. And you are ever so grateful for her mom's insight and ability to have turned the situation around so that BOTH you and g/f were gaining from it. Along those lines. If you want to maintain the relationship. I think it almost relies on whether or not she can empathize with your financial situation. So far, she's just making it all about herself without consideration for your motives, financial needs, etc. EDIT: I wouldn't make it about everything else you ever done for her, and non-paid hours of tutoring, etc. That just comes off like you've been keeping score or something.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I understand what you are saying, and I have looked at it from that point of view, and I've already apologized to her for it. But the problem is that, for one, this was already discussed partially in front of her to begin with. I think she did not know that I had eventually accepted the offer. But I still fail to see why this is something to break up over. I mean, to go off your football analogy, it'd be like if I were being helped for two years, and then ten of those hours just happened to be paid for so that my buddy would have enough to take me to the amusement parks that I enjoy frequenting so much (just for example). It's not so much a matter of keeping score -- it's just super-obvious that I've spent COUNTLESS hours helping her with things. Ten of those hours just happened to be compensated for so I could take her out to do things.
Ronni_W Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 But the problem is that, for one, this was already discussed partially in front of her to begin with. Doesn't really matter about that. Only matters how she is feeling since she found out that you took the money. Pretend like it never happened, that it was discussed in front of her. Cos, for her, it's like that never happened. (If you want to resolve this with her, you gotta get into HER head not stay stuck in yours, if that makes sense?) it'd be like if I were being helped for two years, and then ten of those hours just happened to be paid for so that my buddy would have enough to take me to the amusement parks that I enjoy frequenting so much (just for example).I totally agree with you! But it seems that we are both MUCH MORE mature and fiscally aware/responsible than she may be at this stage . Personally, I wouldn't be saying "I took 10 hours of fees from your mom because of all the other crap I've done for you and taken you to restaurants and amusements parks and wiped up your puke when you drank too much. And what about my non-paid hours of tutoring???" Personally, I'd stay the heck away from that type of "logic"...cos it's not logical. Bottom-line, all that is, is saying you feel entitled to what you took PLUS really shoulda gotten paid MORE -- and that's the opposite of what your g/f feeling or, I'm guessing, will want to hear. What you would, in any event, have done as part of being in relationship with this (high-maintenance???) girl doesn't enter into this at all. At least, it should not. Her drinking habits and lifestyle preferences similarly do not have a place here. The facts are: You can use the extra money. Her mom saw that. You two came to agreement on something that was beneficial for you, your g/f and her mom (in that Mom could feel good about helping out.) That's it. Your g/f either gets it or she doesn't. EDIT: For me and for you, it's not cause to break up. We get that. But you are dealing with your g/f's view that it IS a valid reason to break up.
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 The problem is, she is not empathetic. She doesn't empathize with my financial situation at all. When it comes down to it, I'd likely be better off with a more caring girlfriend without as many issues. She's had a long line of drug abuse, alcoholism, addictions, academic failures, money failures, etc. I just feel upset that she doesn't seem to appreciate anything I do for her and finds ways to try to either insult me or discredit what I do for her, or turn molehills into mountains.
katherinev87 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Put it in a different context: Your very best buddy has been coaching you in football so you can maintain your scholarship requirements. Then you find out our dad's been PAYING HIM to spend time with you on the football field. That does blow on one hand, doesn't it? It's not about whose family is rich or poor. It's about, "Holy crap, Joe, I thought you were doing it just cos you gave a crap." Kind of something like that. In the initial stages, something about it makes it all blurred and tainted. The problem is that your g/f is not looking PAST her initial feelings, which yes, is a sign of her immaturity. Her mom obviously recognized it as a good opportunity for you to also benefit, and you were wise to accept. I totally agree with this, and since I couldn't say it better myself.....well...there it is. On a second note, I think since her mother is already somewhat involved in this situation (and perhaps partly to blame, seeing as she didn't tell her daughter she was paying you either)....I would get her into this a little further. Perhaps hearing from her mother might ease your gf's mind a bit - that it was an offer of goodwill to you (to help your financial situation), and because she (the mother) was concerned about her daughter's grades. If that makes any sense. Would something like that be possible?
Art_Critic Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I apologized for the fact that she wasn't aware of the deal (even though the mother had discussed it with me in front of her at one point as a potential option, as she was in danger of being kicked out), but I don't see why the deal itself is worthy of such disapproval. Try and apologize for you hurting her feelings.. your apology really wasn't apologizing for the reason she is upset..
Author Vertex Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 The mother is extremely grateful that I tutored her. I don't know why she isn't defending me. Art Critic: I actually did apologize for her feelings. Specifically: "Well in any case though I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But just know that all I was trying to do was help you pass because I was afraid you weren't going to be able to return to school, and I wanted to be able to keep doing things with you without complaining that I was strapped for money."
almost famous Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Well you keep pointing out all these things that are wrong with her, so her breaking up with you must be for the best.
Walk Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Vertex... how do you end up with these women?!? The last one you posted about sounded just like this one. You really seem to like those spoiled little rich girls, don't you? The ones who are experts at emotionally manipulating others, can skate through life while others clean up her messes. (Yeah I'm assuming plenty here... so shoot me. ) The girl is partying so hard that she's barely making it to the end of the semester. You're busting your balls trying to pull her out of her nose dive so she can stay in school. Her mom's working behind her back to save her spoiled little behind. Every one in the world is putting in over time to keep this girl on the right track, and she's hell bound in running wild. She's not dumping you because you tutored her for money. She's dumping you because you're now her mommy's puppet. And she doesn't want her parents to save her.
Art_Critic Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Art Critic: I actually did apologize for her feelings. Specifically: "Well in any case though I'm sorry if I hurt your feelings. But just know that all I was trying to do was help you pass because I was afraid you weren't going to be able to return to school, and I wanted to be able to keep doing things with you without complaining that I was strapped for money." Dude.. you blamed her while apologizing...and also made excuses.. "Honey.. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.... I had no intention of hurting you.. I wasn't thinking when I accepted money from your Mom and should have mentioned something to you..." Or just.. "Honey .. I'm sorry I hurt your feelings.... How can I make it up to you ?"
Recommended Posts