This is why relationships and dating suck

[pandagirl]

I can't stand the fact that people come into our lives, make an impact, and -- most of the time -- leave. I know that life flows and nothing is permanent, and this is part of what makes life beautiful, but it sends a stabbing pain through my stomach when things end.

 

Even if I know things wouldn't work out, or that we weren't right for each other, I still have a lot of love for the men in my past (well most of them). It makes me really sad that they're just memories and I probably never see or talk to them again. Like, it HURTS.

 

I'm the type of person who if I invest in someone, I will always try to be a friend, if the good outweighs the bad, because I genuinely care about people and want to make that effort.

 

How do I get over this?

[sunshinegirl]

Honey, I don't know. I feel similarly. Becoming strangers to people we once knew and loved intimately is a very painful thing. Time continues to be the greatest healer, though: I look back on most of my previous relationships as experiences that taught me invaluable things. Yes, it's weird and sad that I am not in touch with those men anymore (save one)... but I can also say that in all cases, those men would not fit my life today. So I have yet to feel like I've lost the love of my life. I've lost love, yes, but no one that I was unable to get over, eventually.

[pandagirl]

I don't WANT to get over people. I mean, it's a particular feeling. I am over the relationships -- it's not like I'd want to get back together with any of these men -- but, becoming strangers with someone who was so important to you. It makes me incredibly sad. And in turn, makes me scared to get close to anyone.

[Tony T]

I'm the type of person who if I invest in someone, I will always try to be a friend, if the good outweighs the bad, because I genuinely care about people and want to make that effort.

 

How do I get over this?

 

You will never get over this. You are one of the very rare people who are incredibly sincere, no fakeness about you and have a genuine and unconditional caring for others. Very sensitive people like you are hard to find indeed in this age of self-centeredness and selfishness.

 

From a rational standpoint, there is no reason why people can't hold a great value for those who have touched our lives. In this age, however, the bulk of individuals are only concerned about those who have an immediate impact on their lives and who contribute, right now, to their happiness and survival in some way. To them, people who are out of their lives serve no useful purpose.

 

I hope you always stay the way you are and I wish more people were like you.

[sunshinegirl]

Maybe I'm saying something different than you mean. What does "getting over" someone mean to you? Are you talking about no longer having physical, real-time contact with those people? And/or holding on to some emotional tie or warm feeling toward them even if you walk down different paths in life?

[Meaplus3]

I can't stand the fact that people come into our lives, make an impact, and -- most of the time -- leave. I know that life flows and nothing is permanent, and this is part of what makes life beautiful, but it sends a stabbing pain through my stomach when things end.

 

Even if I know things wouldn't work out, or that we weren't right for each other, I still have a lot of love for the men in my past (well most of them). It makes me really sad that they're just memories and I probably never see or talk to them again. Like, it HURTS.

 

I'm the type of person who if I invest in someone, I will always try to be a friend, if the good outweighs the bad, because I genuinely care about people and want to make that effort.

 

How do I get over this?

 

I understand just how you feel. I tend to have simlar views. You know sometimes you just have to remember the good times that you had with that person while they were in your life and realize for what ever reason they have moved on. While it's hard to stop caring when you have a kind caring heart, you need to focus on something else that gives you joy in your life. Best wishes.

 

AP:)

[pandagirl]

You will never get over this. You are one of the very rare people who are incredibly sincere, no fakeness about you and have a genuine and unconditional caring for others. Very sensitive people like you are hard to find indeed in this age of self-centeredness and selfishness.

 

From a rational standpoint, there is no reason why people can't hold a great value for those who have touched our lives. In this age, however, the bulk of individuals are only concerned about those who have an immediate impact on their lives and who contribute, right now, to their happiness and survival in some way. To them, people who are out of their lives serve no useful purpose.

 

I hope you always stay the way you are and I wish more people were like you.

 

Thanks for the kind words, they actually brought a tear to my eye! Ugh. I hate being so sensitive.

 

In fact, this is what I brought up in therapy the other day. I told her that I'm tired of being so sensitive and caring about people so much, because it makes life that much harder. On the downside, my feelings are easily hurt, but on the upside, I am a sincere and genuine person. My friends tell me that I have the biggest heart of anyone they know. That I'm one of the true blue people out there. That I'm the best person they know. But sometimes I really hate it; it's emotionally draining.

 

I look at other people and how easily and quickly they can turn their feelings around, or just "decide" to change their mind. I wish I had the capacity to do this, but the truth it, once someone makes their way into my heart, unless something unforgivable happens, they stay in my heart and I will always care for them.

 

Right now I'm dealing with someone I dated and were trying to be friends. It was a tricky transition, but I wanted to do it and it seemed like so did he. Now, he's just disappeared and I'm left wondering why I even tried, when it's so apparent he didn't care. He just got what he wanted out of me and now he's gone.

[pandagirl]

Maybe I'm saying something different than you mean. What does "getting over" someone mean to you? Are you talking about no longer having physical, real-time contact with those people? And/or holding on to some emotional tie or warm feeling toward them even if you walk down different paths in life?

 

I guess for me "getting over" means stop missing them. Stop thinking about how they positively impacted my life. Missing the conversations, the friendship, the bond we once had.

 

It doesn't have to do with wanting to be romantically involved with that person again, but missing them, solely as a person.

[Trialbyfire]

pandagirl, do you feel the same way about close friends from your past?

[pandagirl]

pandagirl, do you feel the same way about close friends from your past?

 

You may not believe me, but every close friend I have made (except one unsavory person) is still my close friend today. My two best friends I've known since the second grade and we become better friends with each passing year.

 

I just got off the phone with my best friend from college.

 

When I moved to NY, it was really hard to make friends, but the three friends I made in that first year, are still my best friends here.

 

That being said, I choose my friends cautiously. I choose to let people in when I think I can trust them and know they are good people. In that way, I am very perceptive and intuitive with friendships/people.

 

Maybe that's why romantic relationships are so hard for me, because they're based on emotion rather than something tangible and stable -- they don't endure or stand the test of time.

 

That being said, the aforementioned "unsavory person" was a girl I was very close with for a couple of years. She chose to let a man get in the middle of our friendship (I didn't do anything wrong), and though I tried very hard to repair things, she didn't want to. It still makes me sad.

[Art_Critic]

PG.. Do you think it is because that maybe you assign too much good to those people in your life after they leave and you think that by not having them close to you that you are losing out ?

 

I know there have been a breakup or two in my life that took me forever to get over and I just wanted them to be in my life in any fashion.. lover or friend or email buddy..

It was because I was tired of losing people close to me that I loved ( either thru death or other wise ) and I was assigning them a much higher good in my life of what they really meant to me because I just didn't want to feel alone..

 

I was building up how good those people were and how much I missed them when in relaity they were horrible people and horrible to/for me..

 

Once I reassigned them in my list and I realized what I was doing I moved on..

[Trialbyfire]

I believe it. My RL close friends are just like family to me. Most have been from highschool, some from University, the rest, picked up one at a time through the last decade of working or through other friends. I've ejected the odd one but not many. Some have moved away but we still keep in touch via cyberspace or telephone.

 

But, when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm not the person who keeps in touch. Once I've moved on and let go, they're gone unless they make the effort to maintain contact. Most have come back but haven't kept consistent touch, although some have.

 

I've primarily been the person who's left the relationship. How about you?

[pandagirl]

PG.. Do you think it is because that maybe you assign too much good to those people in your life after they leave and you think that by not having them close to you that you are losing out ?

 

I know there have been a breakup or two in my life that took me forever to get over and I just wanted them to be in my life in any fashion.. lover or friend or email buddy..

It was because I was tired of losing people close to me that I loved ( either thru death or other wise ) and I was assigning them a much higher good in my life of what they really meant to me because I just didn't want to feel alone..

 

I was building up how good those people were and how much I missed them when in relaity they were horrible people and horrible to/for me..

 

Once I reassigned them in my list and I realized what I was doing I moved on..

 

This is a good point, and I think you are partly right. I do tend to overlook the bad, and focus on the good. In the end, I know I will be fine. I am still, for the most part, a happy person. Except for one relationship that was a completely disaster (jerkface!) I still think every guy I've dated is a good person. Things just didn't work out for one reason or another.

 

I am a relatively self-aware person, and acknowledge losing people from my life makes me afraid that there is something ultimately wrong with me -- that I am not worthy enough of something wanting me in their life.

 

With all that said, it still makes me profoundly sad that these men become strangers. That I will probably never see or talk to them again. That just is...WRONG to me.

[pandagirl]

I believe it. My RL close friends are just like family to me. Most have been from highschool, some from University, the rest, picked up one at a time through the last decade of working or through other friends. I've ejected the odd one but not many. Some have moved away but we still keep in touch via cyberspace or telephone.

 

But, when it comes to romantic relationships, I'm not the person who keeps in touch. Once I've moved on and let go, they're gone unless they make the effort to maintain contact. Most have come back but haven't kept consistent touch, although some have.

 

I've primarily been the person who's left the relationship. How about you?

 

I am ALWAYS the person who gets dumped! Like I said in my previous post, unless there is something REALLY wrong, I will overlook the bad and focus on the good. I will always try to make things "work."

[alphamale]

How do I get over this?

try not to dwell in the past cause everyone is meant to be with us for a limited time. how long that time is no one can predict.

 

look to the future pandagurl

[Trialbyfire]

I am ALWAYS the person who gets dumped! Like I said in my previous post, unless there is something REALLY wrong, I will overlook the bad and focus on the good. I will always try to make things "work."

Okay, that makes more sense now. While these men probably had some amazing qualities, they probably also had some qualities that weren't so amazing.

 

I can't say that it's right or wrong to want them in your life but truthfully, I wouldn't recommend it, unless it doesn't keep you from opening your heart for future relationships.

[pandagirl]

Okay, that makes more sense now. While these men probably had some amazing qualities, they probably also had some qualities that weren't so amazing.

 

I can't say that it's right or wrong to want them in your life but truthfully, I wouldn't recommend it, unless it doesn't keep you from opening your heart for future relationships.

 

It doesn't keep me from opening my heart (that is a whole other bag of worms).

 

Some guys, after all is said and done, I look back and think: "Man, we really had nothing in common." Other guys, I think: "Wow, we really had a connection. We had so much fun together. I want him in my life still."

 

Definitely, some of these men were missing qualities, which is why, ultimately, I am able to let go of them romantically. It just didn't work. But despite that, I think it's shame that some of these amazing people are no longer in my life.

 

I just have to learn to let go. But it's so hard!!!!

[breakupunderachiever]

as far as i come concerned your emotions are right and society is crazy. i think too much we are encouraged to think of relationships as just another commodity - does someone meet a checklist of compatibility boxes, like a car. this is ridiculous. each breakup causes damage. i don't think human beings are built to weather serial monogamy. if we are, why are we all upset on this site, using anti-depressnats or some other way to get by.

[coffeemaker]

Right now I'm dealing with someone I dated and were trying to be friends. It was a tricky transition, but I wanted to do it and it seemed like so did he. Now, he's just disappeared and I'm left wondering why I even tried, when it's so apparent he didn't care. He just got what he wanted out of me and now he's gone.

Hi pandagirl,

 

I'm glad you posted this thread because I can actually relate. I too am a genuinely, open, caring, authentic person and letting people who have truly impacted my life go saddens me.

 

I dated someone for a short while earlier where the connection was just strong, but for whatever reason, she didn't want to continue. I tried being friends, I wanted to be friends because when I find that kinda of connection w/another person, male or female, they tend to become big parts of my life.

 

Unfortunately, in this instance, I had to disappear. The romantic feelings simply refused to die or transition - perhaps this guy is the same way. It was literally a matter of emotional self-preservation. But I still care and I'd still like to be friends with her. So i'll send her a message when I'm good and ready and risk reopening the can of worms.

 

If the reasons for breaking up weren't unforgivable (cheating for example is simply unforgivable), then why not maintain casual contact if its possible. I'm still in touch with most of the gals I dated, and although I would never date them again, still care. They helped me grow as an individual and I'm eternally grateful to them for that.

 

All I can say is don't change or try to change. It's a wonderful quality.

 

-CM

[mousse]

I can't stand the fact that people come into our lives, make an impact, and -- most of the time -- leave. I know that life flows and nothing is permanent, and this is part of what makes life beautiful, but it sends a stabbing pain through my stomach when things end.

 

Even if I know things wouldn't work out, or that we weren't right for each other, I still have a lot of love for the men in my past (well most of them). It makes me really sad that they're just memories and I probably never see or talk to them again. Like, it HURTS.

 

I'm the type of person who if I invest in someone, I will always try to be a friend, if the good outweighs the bad, because I genuinely care about people and want to make that effort.

 

How do I get over this?

 

Pandagirl,

 

I'm that way too, it seems that if I loved someone once, then I love them for life. I don't become indifferent to exes and I keep on thinking about them even after we've stopped talking. It doesn't mean I want to get back together with them, but deep down, what I feel for them is love. I can't help it. Even though we can't be together, I really hope they're happy and fulfilled. I see this as a quality and actually if you read books about spirituality they say that it's spiritually evolved people that are capable of feeling that sort of unconditional love.

[mousse]

There's a quote that I like about that subject

 

" it is impossible to fall out of love. Love is such a powerful emotion, that once it envelops you it does not depart. True love is eternal. If you think you were once in love but fell out of it then it wasn't love you were in. There are no exits signs in love, there is only an on ramp"

[pandagirl]

It's nice to see that other people feel the same way I do. It makes me feel less alone.

 

I guess I just need to find someone who shares my ideals of love.