Do they ever come back?

[BCCA]

I thought I would throw this out there since a lot of us are in the "recently seperated" boat. Do ex's come back and does it work out?

 

Here is my story: I dated a girl for 3 years, she left me, moved out, and I was crushed. After 4 months of living hell, we got back together. A year later, she was out the door again.

 

What does everyone else think?

[Tripped up]

Need more info than that. What caused you to break up?? She didnt just decide to walk out one day did she??

 

 

As for the ever coming back thing.....

 

We all would love to know the answer to that, it would make things a lot easier.

 

Live your life to the fullest. Post here if you need to. Take care of yourself physically and emotionally. Dont live expecting her to come back, but live so that the next girl you meet (her or otherwise) will have even more of man to love. Believe me, this is what I am doing as well.

[BCCA]

Well, I never got a clear cut answer, so Ill do my best to try and give my reasons for the break. Basically, she has abandonment issues, and freaks out at the thought of long term commitments (marrige, etc). I think she does possibly love me and cares, but feels like marriges are doomed and that one day I would leave her, so why wait when you can do it on your terms now. I think she is affraid to open up her life to me.

 

I also want to throw in that I went NC after this last time for about two weeks. Then, I sent her an email to say hi and ask if maybe we could grab coffee. She said it could be a good idea, but not just yet, and well talk at some point. To me, thats a pretty clear indicator that she wants me to get over her.

 

Im not even asking for my own situation, per say. Just curious what people think about ex's coming back. I dont think the likelyhood of my ex coming back is very good at all, if it even exists.

[Mustain2234]

Well, I never got a clear cut answer, so Ill do my best to try and give my reasons for the break. Basically, she has abandonment issues, and freaks out at the thought of long term commitments (marrige, etc). I think she does possibly love me and cares, but feels like marriges are doomed and that one day I would leave her, so why wait when you can do it on your terms now. I think she is affraid to open up her life to me.

 

I also want to throw in that I went NC after this last time for about two weeks. Then, I sent her an email to say hi and ask if maybe we could grab coffee. She said it could be a good idea, but not just yet, and well talk at some point. To me, thats a pretty clear indicator that she wants me to get over her.

 

Im not even asking for my own situation, per say. Just curious what people think about ex's coming back. I dont think the likelyhood of my ex coming back is very good at all, if it even exists.

I look at it this way -- even before two people begin dating the chances are overwhelmingly in the favor of them breaking up one day. Just think of how many people someone who is now married dated before they settled down?

 

People get back together. The difficult part is remaining together, as your story proves. I know my dad's brother broke up with his wife when he was in his 20's, they were apart for a little over a year, got back together, and have been married for over 20 years. From what I recall, she felt nervous at how quickly the relationship was going and needed a break.

 

It's easier to move on and start over than to work at something such as a failed relationship. If two people were good together, broke up for a dumb reason (not involving a loss of attraction, cheating), then why is it impossible to expect the two to reconcile? Look all around -- people are dating for dumb reasons (sex, status, etc). why is it foolish to believe breakups folow the same rules?

 

Sometimes I believe relationship guides and forums are only making matters worse. Women are reading generic advice from Cosmopolitan that in no way accounts for their individual experience. People come on here and the answer to everything is "no contact." Relationships are complex. Even with you, you're not even talking about getting your ex back the first time but a second. I doubt anyone here can explain the dynamics to that scenario. Oh, but I'm sure it'll be NC.

[ringo889]

People come on here and the answer to everything is "no contact." Relationships are complex.

I can relate to that one. When I went through my break-up last year I posted (elsewhere) for some thoughts. Without fail everyone said "NC". It wasn't even open to debate. "How long for NC," I'd ask. "Until she comes crawling back" was the answer.

 

After two weeks of reading that nonsense I reasoned that two people can't possibly move forward if neither will at least say "let's talk". I broke the rules, got scolded for it, but soon found my gut feeling was dead on target. We talked, and moved forward. A month later we slowly got back together, and six months later she wrote telling me how glad she was that we did that.

 

Can it happen? Do they come back? Sure, maybe, it depends. Every situation is different and every person is different. I know several couples in their 70s that broke up 2-3 times with each other, then finally got married and have lived "happily ever after".

 

I'm going through my second breakup with the same woman now, you've read about that of course. Yes, we got back together. Yes, it was wonderful. Our relationship was stronger and better in all the right ways after we got back together. Right now I think there's a 50/50 chance we might figure this all out again, I'm hopeful but I wouldn't be shocked either way. Sometimes people just need to figure things out for themselves, and sometimes they just move on.

[CaliGuy]

I thought I would throw this out there since a lot of us are in the "recently seperated" boat. Do ex's come back and does it work out?

 

Here is my story: I dated a girl for 3 years, she left me, moved out, and I was crushed. After 4 months of living hell, we got back together. A year later, she was out the door again.

 

What does everyone else think?

 

I think....

 

"Burn me once, shame on you. Burn me twice, shame on me..."

 

That's what I think. Why give someone a second chance when there's someone better out there who hasn't had a first?

[alphamale]

What does everyone else think?

I think you should look for someone else...

[sunshinegirl]

I've never had a second chance work out... and 3 of my four serious boyfriends came back (or I went back) to try again.

 

I like what someone above said - that most relationships DON'T work out. It's kind of a refreshing view to take, at least for me in that it helps me to stop blaming myself when things go south. And in my case, the reasons for the breakups were good ones that no second chance could have fixed: (1) one was gay; (2) with another, we were incompatible on religion, plus I lost attraction for him; (3) and this one cheated on me. That stuff ain't fixable.

[Angel1111]

Well, you know they come back because she did.

 

I've never had 2nd chances work out, either. Not sure why, although I'm sure it does work for some people. I think it's because whatever the original issues were are never worked out when you get back together, so history just repeats itself.

[LateBloomer]

You shouldn't be asking if they ever come back.

 

You should be thinking about improving yourself (as in ways you've always wanted to or dreamt of) and moving on. Whether or not they come back has little to do with you. It's also much more likely that with some improvements and upgrades (insight into yourself for example) you'll attract someone better.

 

Think of it like this, when your car blows and engine and leaves you stranded on the road ... would you rather fix the old model or get a shiny brand new one? What if it didn't cost you a penny? What if all you needed to do was spend some time "working on yourself" to get it, wouldn't you? How about for a Corvette? A Porsche? What about a Ferrari?!?!?!?!

 

Vroom, vroom, bro.

[ringo889]

Thats sensible advice, sort of. The question has been answered, and the fact remains you should move on and take care of yourself. Blah blah.

 

I'm not sure I agree with the analogy though. Some of us drive older cars that we've learned to love. We love the lines, the feel, the smell, the sound, everything. We don't abandon it because it broke down, we help restore it, nurture it, and learn what made it break in the first place. A new vette might be really exciting and fun, but that old jalopy just feels right. You've got 100k on it and want to keep going, so you take loving care of it and accept the little faults it has.

 

None of that is to suggest someone can't become a better driver or mechanic though. THAT certainly wouldn't hurt

[LateBloomer]

That analogy breaks down. It's more as if your car were like one of the transformers ... and kicked you out of it and left you on the side of the road bleeding. ;-)

[foxh1234]

Yeah they come back but normally it is too late and we don't want them anymore.

[chacha7]

this is a really interesting post. I have recently been broken up with and although i don't think we are compatible in the long run, i think its very hard when there is no clear cut reason like cheating to break up. We haven't talked to eachother for days since the break up and im not making the first move because he broke up with me and i think its his issues that need sorting out to move on. i just wonder what will happen when he finally does contact me. like if he does want me back, will i take him? what will it take for me to take him back, i don't know. to get the full story and read my post, i need the advice! good luck with your ex gf! my ex bf's friend dated a girl who also had those abandonment issues and it broke up their relationship too. she slept with her ex bf the first time they broke up and then got back together with my ex's friend, but it didn't work out in the end. apparently it was due to the fact that her mother cheated on her father all of the time...weird.

[BCCA]

this is a really interesting post. I have recently been broken up with and although i don't think we are compatible in the long run, i think its very hard when there is no clear cut reason like cheating to break up. We haven't talked to eachother for days since the break up and im not making the first move because he broke up with me and i think its his issues that need sorting out to move on. i just wonder what will happen when he finally does contact me. like if he does want me back, will i take him? what will it take for me to take him back, i don't know. to get the full story and read my post, i need the advice! good luck with your ex gf! my ex bf's friend dated a girl who also had those abandonment issues and it broke up their relationship too. she slept with her ex bf the first time they broke up and then got back together with my ex's friend, but it didn't work out in the end. apparently it was due to the fact that her mother cheated on her father all of the time...weird.

 

You know what really sucks more than anything? Its not even "when" will he contact you, its "if". He may very well never call you again, and you have to just go forward with that in mind. I used to think that way myself, but she's made no effort of any kind to contact me in the 3+ weeks since she finally ended it. Yeah, you could say its kind of early still, but I dont know. I think its one of those things that the longer it goes on, the less likely it is to happen. I dont wait by the phone or even really worry about it anymore, but you always wonder what would happen if that phone rang.

[megapositive]

this is a really interesting post. I have recently been broken up with and although i don't think we are compatible in the long run, i think its very hard when there is no clear cut reason like cheating to break up. We haven't talked to eachother for days since the break up and im not making the first move because he broke up with me and i think its his issues that need sorting out to move on. i just wonder what will happen when he finally does contact me. like if he does want me back, will i take him? what will it take for me to take him back, i don't know. to get the full story and read my post, i need the advice! good luck with your ex gf! my ex bf's friend dated a girl who also had those abandonment issues and it broke up their relationship too. she slept with her ex bf the first time they broke up and then got back together with my ex's friend, but it didn't work out in the end. apparently it was due to the fact that her mother cheated on her father all of the time...weird.

 

Hmmm. Your post reminds me of my situation. I wonder how these 3 things are related to my ex bf's behavior and abandonement issues: a) My ex bf's mother had an affair when he was young, she ended it but my ex thought his dad should have left her because he never truly got over it, instead he medicated himself with alcohol. b) My ex bf got a divorce after 1.5 years of marriage -- she initiated the divorce and got together with, eventually married one of his closest friends. c) My ex bf cheated on me.

 

What do you all think?

[BCCA]

Hmmm. Your post reminds me of my situation. I wonder how these 3 things are related to my ex bf's behavior and abandonement issues: a) My ex bf's mother had an affair when he was young, she ended it but my ex thought his dad should have left her because he never truly got over it, instead he medicated himself with alcohol. b) My ex bf got a divorce after 1.5 years of marriage -- she initiated the divorce and got together with, eventually married one of his closest friends. c) My ex bf cheated on me.

 

What do you all think?

 

I would say those the first two my have been a bit traumatizing, but C is flat out unacceptable. There is no excuse for cheating, period. And the frustrating part about a & b is that unless he realizes and accepts the fact that theyre affecting his relationships in a negative way, he'll never change. People rarely change, anyway, and they definitely wont for some one else. Its easier to run than to change who you are.

 

If he has the same abandonment issues my ex had, you're better off getting away from him. It was constant torture to wonder if the girl who says she loves you more than anything one minute will have to break it off because she "just isn't happy" the next. And to be honest, once we broke up the first time, it was really hard to ignore the possibility that it could easily happen again. You cant fully trust people like that with all your emotions, because they'll constantly break promises, go back on their word, and just show very little concern for your feelings.

[d2darow]

After reading this post and it's debate on whether NC is actually the right answer... I can't help but wonder... what IF I do send her a message, asking to meet up and just talk. If the chance of gettin back with my ex ever surfaced, should I give it a go?

I have this... weakness, if you must, that people can change. And I would remain hopeful that my ex would change, cause besides her flaws, she did make me feel loved. When she broke up with me, she said she needs time. Am i narrowing any chance of us getting back together by going NC?

What if she really did need time, and maybe now, wants to give us another chance, but by me not keeping in touch, she is reluctant to do so?

Tomorrow, it will be exactly a month since we broke up... And it has been around 11 days since she last messaged me. It was on my birthday... she called twice, and sent me a msg. She said she has smth for me, but since I have been avoiding her, she'll just keep it...

Am I doing the right thing by not keeping in touch?

[megapositive]

I would say those the first two my have been a bit traumatizing, but C is flat out unacceptable. There is no excuse for cheating, period. And the frustrating part about a & b is that unless he realizes and accepts the fact that theyre affecting his relationships in a negative way, he'll never change. People rarely change, anyway, and they definitely wont for some one else. Its easier to run than to change who you are.

 

If he has the same abandonment issues my ex had, you're better off getting away from him. It was constant torture to wonder if the girl who says she loves you more than anything one minute will have to break it off because she "just isn't happy" the next. And to be honest, once we broke up the first time, it was really hard to ignore the possibility that it could easily happen again. You cant fully trust people like that with all your emotions, because they'll constantly break promises, go back on their word, and just show very little concern for your feelings.

 

Yes, I agree with what you've written BCCA. It's so sad. He did the same thing, "just wasn't happy" every once in a while... he was like that with every single person in his life, not just me.

 

I've gone NC with him and I feel very guilty ignoring him. It's like he's managed to twist this all around and make me feel guilty for abandoning him even though he's the one who "wasn't happy" and cheated. What to do?

[megapositive]

After reading this post and it's debate on whether NC is actually the right answer... I can't help but wonder... what IF I do send her a message, asking to meet up and just talk. If the chance of gettin back with my ex ever surfaced, should I give it a go?

I have this... weakness, if you must, that people can change. And I would remain hopeful that my ex would change, cause besides her flaws, she did make me feel loved. When she broke up with me, she said she needs time. Am i narrowing any chance of us getting back together by going NC?

What if she really did need time, and maybe now, wants to give us another chance, but by me not keeping in touch, she is reluctant to do so?

Tomorrow, it will be exactly a month since we broke up... And it has been around 11 days since she last messaged me. It was on my birthday... she called twice, and sent me a msg. She said she has smth for me, but since I have been avoiding her, she'll just keep it...

Am I doing the right thing by not keeping in touch?

 

I guess it depends on how strong you feel. Imagine the worst case scenario if you meet with her... how far will it set you back emotionally? Imagine it going well, getting your hopes up, and then she ignores you or something. Can you handle being strung along?

[sandrawg]

I thought I would throw this out there since a lot of us are in the "recently seperated" boat. Do ex's come back and does it work out?

 

Here is my story: I dated a girl for 3 years, she left me, moved out, and I was crushed. After 4 months of living hell, we got back together. A year later, she was out the door again.

 

What does everyone else think?

 

That's an odd question.

 

Of course, they come back sometimes. But it's always more complicated when that happens because, like me, the ex may have slept w/someone else during the break up period, or you may have problems getting over being abandoned before.

 

I think you're best off moving on and not holding your breath.

 

Then if you're in a new rel'ship when she comes back, well, too bad, hopefully it'll teach her a lesson. Sometimes when you move your meat, you lose your seat! Know what I'm saying?

[0hpenelope]

After reading this post and it's debate on whether NC is actually the right answer... I can't help but wonder... what IF I do send her a message, asking to meet up and just talk. If the chance of gettin back with my ex ever surfaced, should I give it a go?

I have this... weakness, if you must, that people can change. And I would remain hopeful that my ex would change, cause besides her flaws, she did make me feel loved. When she broke up with me, she said she needs time. Am i narrowing any chance of us getting back together by going NC?

What if she really did need time, and maybe now, wants to give us another chance, but by me not keeping in touch, she is reluctant to do so?

Tomorrow, it will be exactly a month since we broke up... And it has been around 11 days since she last messaged me. It was on my birthday... she called twice, and sent me a msg. She said she has smth for me, but since I have been avoiding her, she'll just keep it...

Am I doing the right thing by not keeping in touch?

 

Do what most of us did to find out the answer to this question.

 

Break NC. You're not going to find out the consequences/benefits of breaking NC in your situation unless you do so.

 

Some of us had to keep breaking NC over and over again before learning our lesson. I'm not implying that this lesson is always "I have to reset NC again, don't break NC take it from me!" but place a simple search on LS or search through threads yourself and you'll see most (not all) results point to regretting breaking NC.

 

You'll find posts that are contrary to this regret as well.

 

NC's not for everyone. But most of us believe in this and unless we see something that's worth suggesting NC otherwise... we'll stick with dishing out advice to NOT contact the ex. There is absolutely no good in feeding, living in false hope. If there is hope, then you won't find better cheerleaders out there than the LS community as well.

 

It's rather unfortunate that a lot of cases brought here are not of the hopeful kind. Too many missteps... Too many mistakes... etc.

 

Just my $0.02.

[nowhereman82]

BCCA, honestly its best you do nothing as it would influence things. If she did come back it has to be on her accord. She has to make the move. And even then you need to question her reason and motives. If she ever did come back. Have the heart to heart and call her out if you detect and BS.

 

If she doesn't show any sign of chance, regret, apologizing...beyond her own selfish needs. Then drop it....otherwise if she does those things...perhaps it's worth looking into.

 

but that's neither here nor there. Move forward and don't wait.

[ringo889]

I used to think that way myself, but she's made no effort of any kind to contact me in the 3+ weeks since she finally ended it. Yeah, you could say its kind of early still, but I dont know. I think its one of those things that the longer it goes on, the less likely it is to happen...[/quote[

 

 

 

I'm in the same boat. I've been through this before, and 3-4 weeks is early. Last time, after 4 weeks, I told her I wanted to see her. She wasn't happy about it, but agreed. Some things prevents us from meeting up so we talked for awhile on the phone and got nowhere. A week later I wrote her a long letter and asked to see her again. A few days later she agreed, and 10 days later we met up, hashed things out, and left for good. So I thought. About three weeks after that we started getting back together.

 

Unfortunately I think my latest experience is a little different.

 

 

...but you always wonder what would happen if that phone rang.

 

Flash back to a long relationship I had years ago. My GF and I had been friends for quite awhile before we started "dating". We seemed to hit it off pretty well. A little over a year later she seemed to fade away; she spent New Year's Eve with someone from out of state and broke up with me a few days later. I instinctively went "NC" and only called her once a month later to ask for something valuable I'd left with her. Except for that we didn't speak for at least 3 close to 4 months.

 

That April the phone did ring one day. She wanted to talk. Apparently she'd been thinking about me the whole time she was seeing this other guy, and one day it was too much - she asked him to leave and asked me to forgive her. We talked about a lot of things that day, and started seeing each other occasionally. About 18 months later I was offered a job somewhere, and we both moved away together. We were there together, as a couple, for five years. It was mostly good, no drama, but we eventually broke up.