I'm in a different headspace.

August 25, 2008

I've been wanting to post something for the last couple of days but am not entirely sure how to describe where I'm at these days.

My breakup was almost 4 months ago and I haven't seen or talked to him in 3.5 months.

I think something in me has shifted. It's easier to see him now as someone who would have been a terrible life partner for me. It's easier to see myself as a strong, beautiful, giving woman deserving of love. It's easier to see him as not-whole, not-healthy, not-well-equipped for the give and take of a long term relationship. It's easier to see him as closed down, shut off, self-centered, cut off.

There's almost a new kind of grieving at my doorstep: that Eric isn't at all the beautiful, wonderful man I believed him to be. It's sad to me that he may in fact BE flat, shallow, uninterested in the world and people, and quite possibly unable to deeply love. I think he's so fearful of being hurt, of being vulnerable, that over the years he's just lost the ability to feel things at any kind of deep level. Somewhere along the way, he decided it was better to have a kind of flatline emotional experience of life rather than to risk real pain and rejection for the possibility of real joy and deep happiness. The irony is that him being shut down led to his marriage falling apart, with all of its attendant pain and rejection.

I believed in him. I believed that some beautiful, deep, caring, compassionate core existed somewhere behind his big walls of silence. I must have a real savior's complex because I still feel like shaking him by the shoulders: Wake up! Wake up, Eric! Don't you see how you are self-medicating with your relationships? Don't you get that your marriage failed because of your disconnection? Don't you see that you don't have to live that way forever? Don't you want more for yourself? Don't you want real happiness? Don't you want to stop hurting the people who care about you the most?

So I think these days the part that's hard to let go is my wish for him to become whole and healthy. My heart is slowly catching up to my head in terms of understanding that he would never have made me happy in the long run and that I deserve far, far more than he ever gave. But I still wish for him to be freed of his own chains and pains. So maybe that is real love after all, huh?

August 25, 2008

I've been wanting to post something for the last couple of days but am not entirely sure how to describe where I'm at these days.

My breakup was almost 4 months ago and I haven't seen or talked to him in 3.5 months.

I think something in me has shifted. It's easier to see him now as someone who would have been a terrible life partner for me. It's easier to see myself as a strong, beautiful, giving woman deserving of love. It's easier to see him as not-whole, not-healthy, not-well-equipped for the give and take of a long term relationship. It's easier to see him as closed down, shut off, self-centered, cut off.

There's almost a new kind of grieving at my doorstep: that Eric isn't at all the beautiful, wonderful man I believed him to be. It's sad to me that he may in fact BE flat, shallow, uninterested in the world and people, and quite possibly unable to deeply love. I think he's so fearful of being hurt, of being vulnerable, that over the years he's just lost the ability to feel things at any kind of deep level. Somewhere along the way, he decided it was better to have a kind of flatline emotional experience of life rather than to risk real pain and rejection for the possibility of real joy and deep happiness. The irony is that him being shut down led to his marriage falling apart, with all of its attendant pain and rejection.

I believed in him. I believed that some beautiful, deep, caring, compassionate core existed somewhere behind his big walls of silence. I must have a real savior's complex because I still feel like shaking him by the shoulders: Wake up! Wake up, Eric! Don't you see how you are self-medicating with your relationships? Don't you get that your marriage failed because of your disconnection? Don't you see that you don't have to live that way forever? Don't you want more for yourself? Don't you want real happiness? Don't you want to stop hurting the people who care about you the most?

So I think these days the part that's hard to let go is my wish for him to become whole and healthy. My heart is slowly catching up to my head in terms of understanding that he would never have made me happy in the long run and that I deserve far, far more than he ever gave. But I still wish for him to be freed of his own chains and pains. So maybe that is real love after all, huh?

Wow. I feel the same way completely.

I want everyone to know that this is in no way a bash on anyone who has emotional issues.(Dont we all)

My ex is Bi-Polar(Diagnosed). Manic Depression is another term for it. I do NOT blame most of our relationship problems on that fact. However, in the past month, since we have been broken up, I have started feeling much the same way the OP feels. I love her deeply, and sent myself through unbelievable ups and downs with her. From a break-up, to her calling me horrible things, and then a week later being in love with me again. Our most recent break-up was my fault. I kissed another girl(drunk.....no excuse....not something I have ever done in the past...ever!) However, I am begining to believe that no matter what, it was always going to be an emotional rollercoaster with her. I am not over her by any means, but I do fear that she will just go down this path again of destruction, dropping people, drugs. Basiclly a ***k everything attitude. I paid for much of her doctor visits before she moved. She promised that she would continue to get help so she could get medicine after she moved. She never did. It feels as though she was on a "controlled burn" so to speak.....and now in light of whats been going on.....its begining to flame up. She is mean, spiteful, and not anoyone that I remember. But like the OP said, sometimes I feel as though I try to help someone so much, and never realize that things will never change. For her sake I want to just shake her and say WAKE UP.....GET HELP.....but sadly it does not work that way. I have a ton of love to give...and no where to put it....I wonder at times if I was addicted to trying to help someone?? Anyone else feel that way ever??

I know EXACTLY what you speak of Sunshine. Exactly.

August 26, 2008

I, too, could have written this exactly. I want to find him and throttle him and yell, "THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN MUSIC!" until he gets it, but that's not going to happen. Destroying his health and relationships for his music is what he knows, and at this point is his preferred means of getting through life. Not saying it's right, but it's what he's chosen. I felt like if I could just be special enough I could make him see the value of love, but it didn't happen. He is still, from what I understand, behaving just like he was when last I saw him.

And to the poster above, I'd just like to say that you CANNOT save someone who has a mental illness but is unwilling to actively seek and participate in treatment, and it is not your responsibility to do so. If they refuse to get help, it's your job to save yourself.

August 26, 2008

You're moving forward ssg. 'Tis a good thing.

August 26, 2008

It feels good not to feel as buried beneath self-blame.

Healing is such a strange process. I think my dreams have been a huge part of my progress:

For several nights in a row last month, I dreamed that I was getting married to various people that I didn't want to marry, but I felt powerless to speak up and stop it from happening. Only when an outside person/circumstance intervened did I escape the terrible fate.

The next week for several nights in a row I dreamed about Eric being various kinds of a jerk to me: walking away from me deliberately and not looking back; going hiking/climbing with other people; variations on the theme of abandonment. He was a real prick in my dreams... in real life I have had a hard time getting, and staying angry, at his selfish behavior.

Then one night last week I dreamed Eric came back and wanted to get back together. I almost jumped into his arms but then remembered the hooch, and asked about her - were they broken up, what was the deal? He said "oh, we're not doing that well, we were living together but things got bad and I've moved out." I finally realized he wanted me to be back burner girl and I stood up and said NO!!! And kicked him out of my life.

So there's been a nice progression in my dreams from total disempowerment, to seeing him 'clearly', to standing up for myself.

Now, watch: tonight I'll dream that he's Mr. Wonderful and I'll wake up all teary-eyed.

August 26, 2008

For her sake I want to just shake her and say WAKE UP.....GET HELP.....but sadly it does not work that way. I have a ton of love to give...and no where to put it....I wonder at times if I was addicted to trying to help someone?? Anyone else feel that way ever??

I know EXACTLY what you speak of Sunshine. Exactly.

Tripped up- i agree with you. I wanted my ex to grow up- to step it up for himself, for us, for a future. i tried to nudge him along by dropping hints and helping in anyway i could- bc i loved him and i was trying to help. but sometimes people dont want to do the right thing. sometimes it easier to NOT deal with things. its weird bc i would never do that- i am motivated and i try to do what i can to get to the place i want to be.

so because i have my sh*t together, i kinda got addicted in helping him get his together. and i pushed. and i tried to make him see the light. but you cant help someone who doesnt want to move forward.

All i wanted was to love him- i had so much love still left to give him.

August 26, 2008

Hope-

I feel you. The problem now however is she feels as tho she is doing the right thing. Maybe she is by kicking me to the curb, I guess its just hard for me to see it that way.

Last night I sat and thought hard about the things she had told me in her past. Most of her relationships were her leaving them. Running away, litterally. Dropping people at the drop of a dime. She builds up all this frustration, anger and false senses of empowerment. When she does this all rational thinking is gone. She becomes mean, bitter, and hateful towards anyone who disagrees with her. She lives in a somewhat controlled evironment at the moment. No stress that is. Her job consists of house sitting animals and helping an older lady around town. (She lives out in the country) I know I have added stress to her life as of right now. But I am scared to death, that when the time comes for her to move on with her life...ie: real job...live on her own....take on all the full resposibilities.....everything is going to come crashing right back down. She needs help.

I was always there to help her, and I still want to be even though I KNOW that nothing would change, and that I would just be setting myself up for more heatbreak later down the road when her moods swing again. DAMMIT I want to call her and see if she is doing well. But I know, if she even answered, I would get hate, spite, and nothing of the girl I once knew.

August 27, 2008

Hope-

I feel you. The problem now however is she feels as tho she is doing the right thing. Maybe she is by kicking me to the curb, I guess its just hard for me to see it that way.

Last night I sat and thought hard about the things she had told me in her past. Most of her relationships were her leaving them. Running away, litterally. Dropping people at the drop of a dime. She builds up all this frustration, anger and false senses of empowerment. When she does this all rational thinking is gone. She becomes mean, bitter, and hateful towards anyone who disagrees with her. She lives in a somewhat controlled evironment at the moment. No stress that is. Her job consists of house sitting animals and helping an older lady around town. (She lives out in the country) I know I have added stress to her life as of right now. But I am scared to death, that when the time comes for her to move on with her life...ie: real job...live on her own....take on all the full resposibilities.....everything is going to come crashing right back down. She needs help.

I was always there to help her, and I still want to be even though I KNOW that nothing would change, and that I would just be setting myself up for more heatbreak later down the road when her moods swing again. DAMMIT I want to call her and see if she is doing well. But I know, if she even answered, I would get hate, spite, and nothing of the girl I once knew.

thats the thing trippedup, they have to be able to face their demons on their own. get their life on track by themselves. i dont know how old your ex is, but mine is 26. he lives with 2 of his friends and basically if i wasnt their to help organize his finances, encourage him to do things, etc., he would have just let it slide. hes gotta figure out on his own where his priorirties are. its not my job or yours to help the ex figure their sh*t out.

i know thats hard to think about bc in a way i didnt mind. im a bit of control freak so i actually liked doing things for him so i knew theyd be done the right way. but can you imagine a life of that? a life of always babysitting someone? i know i cant.

i think you didnt add stess to her life. i think you added expectations. Shes probably old enough where she should be thinking of her future- whether its school, a career or any other step forward in the right direction. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that!! Nothing at all. You should have those expectations for yourself- im sure you do. so why would you accept anything less from the person who you want to be with? possibly forever.

I know its easier to say that than to implement it. But after so many talks to my friends and family- and 2 1/2 months of this break up and dealing with it, i've come to realize the question that gets me through each day is "Do i really want to babysit someone forever?" and the answer is a loud NO. i want my partner to be an equal and take care of me as much as i take care of him. So either the ex's figure it out and get themselves together....or they dont. which leaves the door open for someone who will.

August 27, 2008

i've come to realize the question that gets me through each day is "Do i really want to babysit someone forever?" and the answer is a loud NO. i want my partner to be an equal and take care of me as much as i take care of him. So either the ex's figure it out and get themselves together....or they dont. which leaves the door open for someone who will.

This is a great point and a similar thought has gotten me through more than one low moment: would I want to pull his teeth just to get him to talk -- for the rest of my life? No, no, no, no.

August 27, 2008

Sunshinegirl, it's great you have that shift. You sound so healthy and happy and peaceful about the situation. I too am starting to come to that shift, to honestly evaluate and assess my ex and everything about him in terms of my future happiness. While I just passed my 2 month dumping date, I hope I'm where you are in 2.5 months

August 27, 2008

Your right hope. It isn't our job. FYI, I am 26, she is 23. I hope she figures it out for herself. I wish nothing bad on her, but I feel the next relationship for her will be more of the same. I'm sure there are guys out there that will put up with it, but damn I really did a freaking lot to help her get out of horrible situations.

August 28, 2008

Sunshinegirl, it's great you have that shift. You sound so healthy and happy and peaceful about the situation. I too am starting to come to that shift, to honestly evaluate and assess my ex and everything about him in terms of my future happiness. While I just passed my 2 month dumping date, I hope I'm where you are in 2.5 months

Aw, thanks. I am definitely doing better, although I still have my moments. Case in point: I still sometimes check his lab page to see if he's gotten new funding yet or hired a new post-doc (I derive twisted satisfaction from seeing his career stall). Tonight, I just saw a new page on his site with a cool animated intro... and my first thought was: "I bet the hooch helped him create that, and they probably bonded over the little project." Jeebus. So what? He's still a shut-down, robotic, uncommunicative liar and cheater.

It'll be great when I *totally* stop caring a whit about his life. Luckily I am having a coffee date this weekend with a guy who, online anyway, seems great. This will be my first date post-breakup, I might add!!!!

August 28, 2008

Aw, thanks. I am definitely doing better, although I still have my moments. Case in point: I still sometimes check his lab page to see if he's gotten new funding yet or hired a new post-doc (I derive twisted satisfaction from seeing his career stall). Tonight, I just saw a new page on his site with a cool animated intro... and my first thought was: "I bet the hooch helped him create that, and they probably bonded over the little project." Jeebus. So what? He's still a shut-down, robotic, uncommunicative liar and cheater.

I couldn't help but chuckle at this as my ex is also in the sciences. I've been reluctant to look at his page because I think he can track the IP addresses of his visitors. As September rolls around, I'm also pretty curious about whether he's hired any new post-docs or what conferences he's attending.

Good luck on your coffee date

August 28, 2008

I couldn't help but chuckle at this as my ex is also in the sciences. I've been reluctant to look at his page because I think he can track the IP addresses of his visitors. As September rolls around, I'm also pretty curious about whether he's hired any new post-docs or what conferences he's attending.

Good luck on your coffee date

Hmm, I didn't think about the IP tracking aspect. Oh well, I doubt he cares or checks who looks at his page. If he does, I guess I'm screwed.

I know - I could check your ex's page and you can start checking mine. They'll have no idea who the IP address is.

(oh my god, get a life, SSG)

August 28, 2008

I know - I could check your ex's page and you can start checking mine. They'll have no idea who the IP address is.

*laughs* something about that is very humorous. And I can picture us doing it too as we each give one another the rundown on our past partners' recent doings.

One day I'll check his webpage. I doubt he cares that I might check it in the future and what's he going to say to me if he does find out? We're on NC

August 28, 2008

I woke up in the worst mood today, thinking "crap, maybe he's seen every time I've checked his lab's page! What a fool I must look like to him...maybe he and hooch have a good laugh about it every other day. Dammit!"

*sigh*

August 28, 2008

Oh sunshinegirl, I didn't mean to worry you. First off, what does it matter if you check your ex's page. I bet he's doing the same thing with you. Even though I don't check my ex's lab page, I do occasionally check his messenger profile to see if it's been updated. Heck, in the first few days after the breakup, I was compulsive about it. And even if (the rarest possibility), he does know you're checking his page, the last thing he's doing is laughing. You were a seminal part of his life, his ex lover, his ex friend. You meant something and as others have said, it's hard to not think and reminisce about our exes.

Just live well, heal well and you'll have the last laugh. If it's one thing I've learned since I've joined LS, it's that life is too short to worry about the things we can't control. *hugs*

August 28, 2008

Thanks, I know. I just need to ride this wave through until it passes.

I think I'm having a resurgence of obsessive thoughts because I have my first date this weekend. I think I'm freaking out about meeting someone new (who seems GREAT except for being an inch shorter than me!), and, frankly, just being back in the dating pool again. So I think it's making me cling to the past, to Eric, in this super weird way.

Thanks for the kind words.

August 29, 2008

I think I'm freaking out about meeting someone new (who seems GREAT except for being an inch shorter than me!), and, frankly, just being back in the dating pool again.

Just keep telling yourself that you knew all along that you could do better than Eric and you will. Keep you chin and your standards high. You deserve more. I know that you are aware of how intelligent and caring you are but expecting the same from anyone new is reasonable; as are your jitters. There are plenty of flat, selfish, shallow people. Don't think its wrong to look for the red flags. Have fun and keep your eyes and ears open.

August 29, 2008

I think I'm having a resurgence of obsessive thoughts because I have my first date this weekend. I think I'm freaking out about meeting someone new (who seems GREAT except for being an inch shorter than me!), and, frankly, just being back in the dating pool again. So I think it's making me cling to the past, to Eric, in this super weird way.

sunshinegirl, how are you feeling today? Your nervousness over your first date is completely reasonable. I'm nowhere close to being in the headspace you are to even contemplate dating other people, so be proud at the strides you've made. And I can't imagine how much of a wreck I'll be when I go on my first date. Remember to have fun and good luck

August 29, 2008

Thanks, I know. I just need to ride this wave through until it passes.

I think I'm having a resurgence of obsessive thoughts because I have my first date this weekend. I think I'm freaking out about meeting someone new (who seems GREAT except for being an inch shorter than me!), and, frankly, just being back in the dating pool again. So I think it's making me cling to the past, to Eric, in this super weird way.

Thanks for the kind words.

sunshine i feel the same as you. i made myself hang out with a guy for a few weeks- honestly its all friendly and i put it out on the table. and i was proud of myself for looking FORWARD. but im just not that into him- and it made the clinging to the past come back. BUT- you're taking a step forward. and thast wonderful. you should be happy you took a risk!

August 29, 2008

Hi everyone,

Thanks so much for checking in! It's Friday morning here and I am...grumpy. I am super annoyed at/about Eric. I started reading the Dan Golman book "Emotional Intelligence" for work and it described Eric to a tee, in the section about people who don't feel and can't empathize! I would LOVE to be a fly on the wall and see how he is with hooch. It's like I still want verification that he's just as douche-y and flat and shallow with her as he was with me.

And why did he have to come in such a good looking package? I am worried I will never be as attracted to anyone else like that again.

I've also decided that my Sunday coffee date guy probably isn't going to go anywhere. Maybe he's a huge snob, or our senses of humor will be totally different, or I will just be all freaked out about being with someone new.

Yeah, so what kind of headspace is this?

August 29, 2008

sunshinegirl, be glad that you're rid of his emotional deficiencies and emotional baggage. His douchy-ness is now some other gal's problem. But I completely understand where you're coming from. I haven't spoken to my ex since the dump and on some days I'm really curious to see if he is now with somebody new or whether he's fallen flat on his face. I don't wish him any ill will of course, but a part of me is just so curious.

As for Sunday's coffee date, don't be too quick to jump to conclusions. You never know right? You two could have amazing chemistry but it's important to not go into the date with any expectations (positive or negative). Go there to have fun and see where it'll take you.

August 29, 2008

I am saying this for your own good Sunshine. Ready? Go get super pretty, listen to your favorite happy music, dance around, find something that makes you laugh then go and have a nice time. Simple. Happy. Good. It is always wise to think things through but don't spoil it for yourself. My mother used to say "How do you know you don't like it unless you try it?". These days I try things at least three times because I need a control group. Let us know how it goes... and doll, push the ex out of your head for now. He has no business there today through Sunday, this is about you!

August 29, 2008

Ingenue & LikeCharlotte, thank you both. I will definitely go into Sunday's coffee thing with a better attitude than I have right now.

In fact, I actually have a lot of prospects at my doorstep - all online guys but ones that I have very very selectively weeded out:

Bachelor #1: "Conflict resolution man" - this is who I'm meeting Sunday. We work in similar fields and he just returned from Nepal. Tons in common (on paper, anyway) from outdoor stuff to cooking to conversation to travel. He appears to be emotionally connected and interested in many many of the same things.

Bachelor #2: Mr. CEO. This is a guy I've chatted with both on eHarmony and match. Again, lots of stuff in common and with him so far the only bummer is that he doesn't cook, AT ALL. But we will meet sometime in the next 2 weeks.

Bachelor #3: Mr. Climber/Doctor Dude. This guy just emailed me yesterday. We have a lot of outdoor activity things in common. Not sure if it could become anything deeper. He's a little older than I would prefer (42) but heck, why not.

Bachelor #4: Another Doctor Dude. Less convinced this one will be a match, but we do at least have Obama in common. I am annoyed that his only photo on eHarmony is from very very far away so I really have no idea what he looks like.

Bachelor #5: Environmental Guy. This guy just showed up again in my life - we went out a few times right around the time that Eric and I started up. In fact, I turned this guy down to pursue a relationship w/ Eric... yet throughout the Eric r. I thought about him and wondered if he would have been better for me.

So all of this is promising, right? And some/all might be such great guys that maybe they will obliterate my lingering "I miss Eric" thoughts...?

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