ellen24 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Ok, so i ahve posted on here before about " the Break" between my ex of 5 and a half years, which now occurred 6 weeks ago... it has gone through phases of us fighting, seeing each other, talking or texting lightly every day, and seeing each other. all wrong, i know. everytime i see him, we kiss hello and he stilll calls me baby. so two weeks ago i psoted that he stayed over for the weekend and we went out. had a great time. and then he was a jerk that week. i told him off, went NC only for two days. then he called apoligized and we saw each other but did not go out with each other that weekend. this weekend he called on friday, asked if i wasnted to see him and he stayed over for the whole weekend again. so the background info, is that he had just gotten out of jail about 5 weeks before the break. he had been gone 3.5 years, during which is stayed with him... we talked about family, kids, getting married ect and when he came home , he moved back in with me. so we started fighting, i am not really sure why and he said he needed space and that it ahd nothing to do wiht me but needed to be on his own. things got worse and i kicked him out and he sadi we needed a break. so here is the thing. i think he still loves me and wants to be with me, but feel like he needs to make up for lost time and sow his wild oats... i don;'t think he is lookign for a new gf, i think he is looking to have sex with many diff girls. In a crazy way, i can understand that, as i did a little shopping around myself whiel he was gone, which he does not know.... i kind of think it is one of those, if you love someone set them free, and if it meant to be they will come back to you things... i know so i haven't had a fulll break down, b/c i do believe he will come back.. so my question is, is my seeing him helping or hurting the situation? we had a great time together this weekend, and when we are together it is justl like old times. i told him two weeks ago as a joke that for every girl he slpet with, it was one carat more on the engagement ring he will buy me. he is denying seeing other girls and laughed it off. then i said i was glad girls didn't have to buy rings, and he said ' do you wnat me to kill you'. so this weekend, i brought up us again. said he was gone for 3.5 years, prob wanted to sleep around, but not have to accountable b/c if he loves me, why wouldn't he want to be with me. he said, you really think that is waht i am doing? i said, yes and i was goign to start to do the same thing. and i am going on a date tonight. the thing is, i dont' think he actually believes that i will be with some one else. i am thinking of lettinng it go two more weeks, the break will have beend two months then, then bringing up us again and if he doesn't respond, then cutting him out. i have been willing to wait b/c i know i want to spend the rest of my life with him, but how much longer do i wait? i know most of you would tell me to do it now, but i am not quite ready to let go. any advice, especially given the specifics of our relationship??
BCCA Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 It sounds to me like he has gotten the idea that you will always be here for him, so why bother trying? Anyone who can claim to "love" some one would not act that way. I'll tell you why you were fighting - he wanted to. I know because I had an ex that would start fights toward the end, and I finally figured it out. If you dont participate in the fights (say things like sorry, or ok I understand) then he'll start to nitpick at you. If that doesnt piss you off, youll start finding girls numbers around, etc My advice to you is to let this one go. I know how horrible that is and Ive been in your shoes, realizing its better but not wanting to let go. The thing is that he doesnt seem like he wants to be committed to you, and he's stringing you along in case all else fails. You need to set boundries, and stick with them. I would tell him that you need a relationship to continue this with him, and if hes unwilling, bye.
Ronni_W Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 he said, you really think that is waht i am doing? Have I got this straight -- YOU have decided that, after 3.5 years in jail, he MUST want to have sex with other women? Even though by saying what I quoted, he was kinda implying that is NOT his own desire? What if he is just really into you, and just wants to have sex with you??? What if he is just emotionally processing his jail experience and needing a bit of time and space to do that? What if it has nothing to do with having sex...with anyone at anytime? What if it's just his emotional reactions to the last 3.5 years, and whatever happened, that landed him in jail? Self-reflection and taking stock and thinking about wiser decisions that he wants to make in and for his future? Are you possibly thinking that YOU would likely need/want to have sex with other guys, if you had been in jail for 3.5 years? But maybe that's not even the case for you, either?
Author ellen24 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 BCCA-- i agree about the fights. he was totally nitpicking. a major fight occurred over an the incorrect usage of a word.... i think what happened is that he came home and felt trapped, like he "HAD" to be with me and "HAD" to live with me since i had been there for him, so he was using fights to make a case that we were not working. i called him out on it and said just b/c we fought for two weeks, didn't mean i was going to throw away our relationship of 5.5 years... i told him he had to move out to save our realtionship b/c if he kept living here it would ruin what we had, and things have gotten so much better since he moved out. and ronni w., the reason i think he wwants ot ahev sex with other girls is b/c i foudn out he went on a date with someone. i do agree that at first, it was just about process. he kept saying he needed space, that it had nothing to do with me and that if it was something we could talk through, he would tell me but it wasn't.... the whole time he was gone, he was forced to depend on me for everything,. all of his needs. he appreciated that but i also think he then later resented me for it, like our relationship was somehow unbalanced. i had gotten him some cold medicine on saturday and yesterday he asked me for it. i said it's in my purse. he said, jokingly, but there is truth in every joke, why are you hiding it in your purse. you want me to be dependent on you so you can have me around. i am a lot farther along in my career than him, and sometimes he says things like oh, you are alwasy insultinng my intelligence. you don't think i'm smart. But i do think he is very smart!! so , yes, he has some sorting through to do. i initially under- estimated how hard it would be for him to transition home but we had a really good talk, before the break and i finally told him ' my life is complete. i hvae my home, my family, my career, ect. the only void i had was you. somehow i expected that you would walk out of jail and fill my void, but i never really though about the fact that your whole life was a void, and you would have to re-connect with friends, family, establish your career etc and o thing just for you." he really appreciated that conversation and things got better. i may have to walk away eventually but i still think i am in his heart... i do think he is very comfortable though knowing he can still call me for a favor, as i can still call him for a favor, but is it so bad to hold on to hop that what we had was real and when he sorts it through, we will be ok. las night, when i dropped him off, we saw a house for sale and he said, do you want to buy it. we can rent out the three units. things like that make me think he stills sees us in the future as those were things we always talked about doing.
Author ellen24 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 also, talk about holding on to hop. he never has said, i don't want to be with you. it is always a "break" not a break-up when he refers to us.
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