Broken up senselessly? Thoughts?

[ringo889]

Hi everyone. I'm going through a tough time, not unlike what a lot of people go through at one time or another I'm sure. I hope I can get some insight, advice, and support. I'm new to this forum but reading the threads I see some differing opinions from other places.

 

Let me first tell my story as best I can. I'm in, or was in, a relationship with a really wonderful woman. Our relationship had some complications. She was going through a lengthy divorce from a rather long marriage when I first met her (as a friend), from all accounts that situation sounded pretty nasty in itself. We are also separated by quite some distance. It wasn't a typical "hey let's go have dinner tomorrow night" relationship, as friends or otherwise.

 

When we first started "dating" we were both in our mid 30s and we hit it off fabulously, and I mean from the very first handshake. We spent a long weekend together (in separate rooms) and enjoyed each other's company - as friends. We both were amazed at how much we liked each other. It was the kind of instant attraction based on compatibility that you hear about but never believe.

 

Two months later we spent another long weekend together, siteseeing, shopping, doing things together. It reinforced what we'd found the first time we were together. This was something very real, something undeniably right and wonderful. The biggest difficulty we had was the distance; eventually we started calling each other first thing every morning, every afternoon, and we had an internet connection set up so we could be in each other's lives every night until bed. Believe it or not we even watched TV and movies "together".

 

As time went on I knew that in front of me was the woman of my dreams, an unbelievable match. We were both worried about the distance between us, and the other complications, but we pressed on. We have a connection that is eerie. I'd stop working and walk over to the phone, then she'd call. She'd be thinking about doing something and I'd be planning it. That weirdness extended itself to one day when we were walking together and she said she loved me - I was working up the courage to find the right time to do it and she beat me by just minutes. Like I said, weird.

 

Over the course of a couple of years we went on like that. We were very much in love, but still in an unusual relationship. We saw each other for 3-5 days at at time every couple of months, punctuated by two 7-10 day vacations every year. We never fought, never argued, never had much of a disagreement over much more than where to have dinner. My love for her was (is) as true a feeling as I've ever had. Beyond infatuation and physical attraction, both of which existed, but they'd taken second place to something more that I've never felt before. And, honestly, I've never felt love given back to me like I have with her.

 

That was our story until a year ago. I realized we weren't getting any younger, she was a 'free woman' so to speak, and our relationship had to take the next step. We'd never talked about marriage and I was more than a little apprehensive about the subject because of her past relationship. Things got really tender between us, we were closer than ever. I was incredibly close to asking for her hand, then decided to wait. Not long after that she broke up with me without any real concrete reason. No fighting, no arguing, nothing much at all. I wrote letters to her, we spoke, and after a month I went to see her. We talked things over for hours. I was up front, honest, and communicated to her everything I'd ever been thinking. The subject of marriage came up, and she said she just didn't think she was ready - or words to that effect. She said she'd just "know" when the time was right, when things were right, etc.

 

That was a painful situation. Even when I left for home I felt tenderness and love from her, but I never expected to see or hear from her again. Weeks later I did though. Somehow we started talking, briefly, and soon she asked for me to come see her again, for a few days for a family event. I was cautious, but we seemed to hit it off again. We saw each other more often than before, talked more, and I think communicated better. Things in general were "better" too. I kept thinking about the future but I didn't dwell on it and didn't push it with her.

 

I vowed to myself that I'd let her make the first "next" step, and to my disbelief she happily did soon into the new year - this year. She started talking about weddings. She'd never done that before, not really. We got closer too, and we did a lot of things together. More than ever before. Without ever "popping the question" the talk turned toward the details of weddings, and a marriage. What kind of rings are good, what places are good for weddings, and so on.

 

Pretty soon she started sending me wonderful emails first thing in the morning so I'd get them later that day, filled with love and devotion. The most glaring obvious "nudge" was one I got at the end of May. In it she said a lot. She was so happy we stayed together after what we'd been through. She said those things, among others, and finished with saying we should talk about our future together. "Life is too short," she said, "I want us to live a long happy life together, I love you with all my heart".

 

She was, I guess, "ready".

 

In June, during our vacation, I talked to her about it. No, I didn't "pop the question". I wasn't ready, the ring wasn't ready, and I wasn't prepared. I told her I wanted to be with her the rest of my life, I told her my intentions, and I was already looking at changing jobs to be with her. Almost all the pieces had fallen into place. Everything we did together was wonderful. She was obviously happy. We were happy. Not just "that was fun", but we were in the kind of relationship where you take pictures of the keys to your room so you can remember what room we stayed at. At night she held me like she'd never held me before, tightly and as if she didn't want to let go. When it was time for me to leave for home she wanted me to stay. Things were incredible and in all the right ways. It was as serious as it can be.

 

But as slowly as this wonderful part of my life been built it was quickly torn apart. A few weeks after I got home something didn't seem quite right with her. I couldn't then, and I still can't put my finger on it. Maybe our subliminal "connection" was working overtime. I decided I needed to see her, just to put my mind at rest. Plus, I was ready to tell her about my new job, and hopefully I could propose properly.

 

When I went to see her, just weeks after we'd last seen each other, things were glaringly wrong. We got along fine, but something wasn't right. That first night she hit me with the words "we need to talk". My heart sank, and the life with this woman I loved so dearly suddenly came to an abrupt stop. She didn't think she was "ready". She said she was trying to make things work but was only "kidding herself". She was visibly upset by all of this. We both cried about it for a long time. I tried talking to her, but I did more babbling than anything else. During the whole ordeal she held my hand as tightly as she ever had, and I spent the night kissing it and telling her every nuance of my feelings for her. We spent the next day periodically talking about the situation, crying occasionally, hugging each other when we could, and I tried to make sense of it all. When it came to that final and inevitable minute that I had to turn my back and leave, I couldn't. I went back and we went to each other, hugging and holding each other tightly.

 

I learned something about myself the night she broke up with me "again". I discovered how much I really felt for her. I never got angry or mad. When she was crying about this I held her and said "it's ok, these things happen, I'll always love you, don't cry" - and I dried her eyes. I learned that my caring for her was beyond what is just physical or emotional comfort. I care for her and love her beyond anything I can describe. I read how guys supposedly turn emotion to anger. I have no anger toward her in the least. I'm annoyed, upset, emotionally charged, but not angry.

 

When I left it was not a "Damn I'm glad you're finally out of my life" moment. She insisted I call when I got home, and I did. I said "I miss you," she said "I miss you too". She called the next day, seemed like she wanted to talk, but didn't say much. She ended up sending an email, she explained that she would never find anyone so loving, caring, or gentle as I am with her. She said people say she's crazy for doing this - things like that. It said a lot, but yet it said very very little.

 

We did speak once again two weeks later. I wasn't really prepared for it and did a lot more babbling. The only real "reason" I could get out of her for any of this was she said she knows it wouldn't work out, just like her marriage didn't. I mentioned that we never argue or fight, we're just happy - she seemed to latch onto that and said "you don't know we won't fight!!" I found that a little unusual.

 

So that's my story. Now come the questions. I've spent weeks trying to make sense out of all this but I can't. How can someone be so devoted, so loving, so unquestionably in love suddenly decide to completely slam the door shut on something like this? The timing of what she'd said, how she acted, and how we were together do not mesh with someone who was just going through the motions. We both knew what we wanted, she asked for it, got it, then ran. Or so it seems.

 

I realize love and life aren't always logical and these things don't necessarily make sense - but no matter what angle I look at it, none of this even comes close to making any kind of sense in the least.

 

Thoughts?

[sandrawg]

People are mysterious creatures. I know this must hurt like hell. You have absolutely no closure on why she did this or what happened. My first thought was, maybe there's another man in the picture, and she didn't want to hurt you?

 

It's hard to tell from what you've said, what her problem may be. I would maybe keep your distance and see if she wakes up and realizes she made a mistake, eventually. If it gets to be too long of a time period-like months-then you have no choice but to move on. I'm sorry.

[BCCA]

Well its hard to nail down an exact explination. There are a few things here I want to point out. First, its easier to keep a relationship happy when you dont have to see each other all the time. You're constantly missing each other, and tend to focus on the good things more than anything.

 

The next thing is that there are women out there who honestly dont believe relationships or marriges work. They feel theyve been burned in the past by guys who said the same thing and made them feel the same way. They figure why go through the heartache of being the one dumped when the can bail on their own terms now and save the pain.

 

I'll always love you

 

I read that and cringed a little, I have to be honest. What you said was basically "I'll always be here as a backup plan", at least thats what she heard. You do not want to say things like that, even if its true. You do not want some one getting the idea that your life is a revolving door. She either loves you back on your terms now, or she doesnt.

 

I guess it all boils down to the same answer for you though. Basically, for whatever reason, she doesnt feel that youre the one to try the marrige thing with again. She could be scared, nervous, unsure, have past issues, etc. Doesnt matter - she is willing to let you walk and risk losing you for good. What does that say? To me, she probably thinks youre a good guy, but not the guy for her.

 

I"m sorry, I know how much it sucks.

[ringo889]

Thanks for the responses.

 

Sorry to make you cringe - I'm not defending myself (I appreciate and probably agree with your assessment of that line), but it was the honest truth...and the same truth I'd vowed to her for some time. We went through a phase when we were talking about weddings and marriage that she would say things like "will you love me forever?" Of course I said yes, "I'll always love you, forever".

 

Back to your assessment though. I'm not a revolving door. Nobody should be. Being honest though, if she thinks this through and wants to talk it over in a couple of months I am more than willing to do it.

 

When we went through this before we found out that we both went through the exact same things, the same emotions, just about everything. It was two months of hell for both of us but we came out of it knowing more about each other, more about ourselves, and I think it made us a lot stronger. That doesn't make "now" any easier though, obviously.

[audrey_1]

The next thing is that there are women out there who honestly dont believe relationships or marriges work. They feel theyve been burned in the past by guys who said the same thing and made them feel the same way. They figure why go through the heartache of being the one dumped when the can bail on their own terms now and save the pain.

 

 

I would have to agree with this as the frontrunner.

 

I struggle with this myself. I walked away from an engagement to someone who would've given me the world, but I could not get married. I just couldn't. My fear of being hurt outweighed my love for him.

[BCCA]

I would have to agree with this as the frontrunner.

 

I struggle with this myself. I walked away from an engagement to someone who would've given me the world, but I could not get married. I just couldn't. My fear of being hurt outweighed my love for him.

 

My ex left me for that very reason (at least, I believe she did).

 

It stinks that youre cheated by some ex who treated them like crap and scared them, but what can you do?

[audrey_1]

My ex left me for that very reason (at least, I believe she did).

 

It stinks that youre cheated by some ex who treated them like crap and scared them, but what can you do?

 

I honestly am very sorry that women (I) do this. I didn't realize that it's so common, and am glad now that I'm not the only one who struggles with it, though I know that doesn't help you any.

 

It's sad, because I have so much love to give, too. I can feel it well up within me, but I make the conscious decision to experience it to a degree, then flip a switch and cut it off before it gets beyond my control.

 

I guess it's pride.

[BCCA]

I honestly am very sorry that women (I) do this. I didn't realize that it's so common, and am glad now that I'm not the only one who struggles with it, though I know that doesn't help you any.

 

It's sad, because I have so much love to give, too. I can feel it well up within me, but I make the conscious decision to experience it to a degree, then flip a switch and cut it off before it gets beyond my control.

 

I guess it's pride.

 

I think its self preservation, and not to be rude, but a little dillusional. I think people fail to realize that youre not going to meet some one who youll never have to worry about that with. Anyone you involve in your life carries a risk. If you want to be loved, you have to open yourself up to love. But a lot of women I've met, friends and exs alike, sabatoge relationships or involve themselves with married men because its easier.

 

I like to believe if its meant to be, it will be, but its hard...

[audrey_1]

I think its self preservation, and not to be rude, but a little dillusional. I think people fail to realize that youre not going to meet some one who youll never have to worry about that with. Anyone you involve in your life carries a risk. If you want to be loved, you have to open yourself up to love. But a lot of women I've met, friends and exs alike, sabatoge relationships or involve themselves with married men because its easier.

 

I like to believe if its meant to be, it will be, but its hard...

 

Yes, everything you say is true. I am seeing someone now who is taking his time with me, and I am trying to remind myself not to run and not to sabotage. It's a daily struggle. Really it is.

[BCCA]

Yes, everything you say is true. I am seeing someone now who is taking his time with me, and I am trying to remind myself not to run and not to sabotage. It's a daily struggle. Really it is.

 

 

Yeah, at least you realize it and are taking steps to watch out. Youre ahead of 95% of the other people out there who just think that "the one" will wash away their insecurities. A lot of people have parents that are divorced, and the fear of abandonment starts early. All it takes is one jerk in college who treats them like a peice of meat, and theyll be unsure forever.

[ringo889]

I have to agree with both of you. A few friends (and I guess me too) are inclined to think maybe she's afraid of being burned. From what I understand her previous relationship did not end well at all. The idea of splitting up was shoved in her face almost daily, literally. At least that's what I'm told. I never made it my business though.

 

I think a key to some relationships is faith though. Feel and love with your heart, but think with your head. At least try. If there's no really good or reasonable reason to expect the other person is going to ruin your life, then have a little faith.

 

My GF told me that most guys are jerks, and she'll never find anyone like me again. She also said she's never been given the love, caring, or anything else that I've given her - and probably will never have it again. I hear that then get into the situation I'm in, and unless she's afraid of getting burned again it just doesn't make much sense.

 

What really stinks is being on this end of things, knowing that I could never really be mad at this woman. Years ago she warned me about how she reacts when she gets into a fight, and how to handle it. Funny, I never had to find out.

 

I think everyone has arguments eventually though. There will have been a day that we'd fight over something petty, and have to go sit in the corner to steam. You remember why you love the other person and make up though, and just keep that faith and love alive. At least that's my attitude.

[BCCA]

Be careful not to take the words she says when youre breaking up too seriously. Chances are high that youre being BS'd. I know what youre thinking because I was JUST in (or am in to some degree) your shoes. Youre thinking "if Im so wonderful, and shell never meet anyone like me, than shes bound to realize how silly this is and come running back".

 

Sadly, all youre getting is half truths and lies. How much sense does that really make that you would find the perfect guy and then have to leave him? Either she just isnt that into you, or she has some issues that you will NEVER get past unless she is DEDICATED to fixing them (with counseling, etc). A lot of times people will realize that they are being unfair and should change, but instead decide to bail. Its easier than thinking you're the problem and working on fixing it (or even part of the problem).

 

I tell myself several times a day: actions speak louder than words. My ex told me she was affraid of losing me, loved me so much, thought the world of me, etc...and she still dumped me, and has made no efforts to rekindle our relationship in the month or so since. Sounds like shes really affraid of losing me and loves me right? No, she just said what was easier. They dont want you to hate them, thats a biggie for girls. And what does it matter what she says - the point is we're broken up.

 

Look at what she did and really think whether she is worth another moment of your time. Chances are, your mind knows the answer and your hearts been talking it out of it.

[ringo889]

That may be true. I'm not naive enough to believe I'm NOT being fed a line. The problem with that is those words were said first long before this break-up.

 

Let me back up a bit.

 

Last year we went through something similar. Slightly different circumstances, but something similar. I mentioned that originally, but let me expand on it a little.

 

We split up, out of the blue, no warning, nothing. The reasons were vague at best. The attitude was the same. The voice was the cold businesslike post-breakup voice I'm getting now. When we finally had a chance to sit down and hash things out I learned she was just as upset over it as I was, but she wanted space to think, and needed to figure out what she wanted to do. We were at that stage where it was time to start getting serious, or get out.

 

Our "talk" lasted a full day and most of the night. It was the first time we'd talked in a month. Believe it or not we took a break and I took her out for dinner (if you can call it that, neither of us really felt like eating). We both said "what a stupid way to break up". Then we went right back into discussing our lives, our relationship, or rather the "ending" of our relationship.

 

We slowly let our emotions calm, and we started communicating. Not just talking, but communicating. There's a distinct difference. In that muddled mess of words we brushed on how we'd been in the "no contact" mode. Turns out we were almost identical in our feelings. She broke up with me, but she was just as upset as I was. During that phase of the conversation she broke down and said she knew she'd never find anyone like me again, and all the other stuff.

 

A month later we slowly started getting back together. A few words here and there, and so it went. You know the rest of the story. Those words were repeated in a completely different context, along with a ton of other wonderful things...right up until a few weeks ago.

 

So why am I in this situation now? Good question. I wish I knew. Most of the stuff she'd actually written she wrote long before this break up was ever even considered. She pretty much was repeating now what she said then. I'll admit though, perhaps a lot of it was written or repeated in a context to "soften the blow", but considering how she went about breaking the news to me originally, and how she was obviously very upset, I tend to think her words and emotions were genuine.

 

There may well be a hidden piece to the puzzle, and one I'll never really know about. You may be right, there may be a lot of BS. Somehow I don't think so. Only time will tell...maybe.