Dating again

[rod_in_gtown]

So here’s what’s going on with me right now: I’m 30, used to be married but divorced at the age of 27. I dated one girl (she was very young emotionally) since my divorce and it didn’t work out. A few months ago, I met this 34 year-old woman who is going through a divorce with a cheating husband. We hit it off immediately and talked about hanging out as friends at the beginning and not dating because she was not ready to have a boyfriend just yet. Which I had no problem doing. We played tennis a few times and went to movies and dinner too which was a lot of fun, then about 3 weeks ago we kissed while watching a movie at my place and have been hooking up ever since. The sex is great and I feel very much at home with her. She has stayed over a couple of days and when we’re together It’s really nice.

She’s a very smart, athletic and beautiful woman, with a busy social life and a great job, a catch by anyone’s standards, her schedule fills up pretty quickly from week to week. My social life is pretty active as well but I do enjoy down time and spending some days at home.

 

My problem is that I think I’m starting to fall for her, whenever I’m not with her just relaxing without her I keep thinking about what she’s doing and who she’s with. I want to give her space because I know what it’s like to go through a divorce, the feelings of inadequacy and failure tend to be pretty overwhelming and the last thing one wants is to jump feet first into another heavy relationship. I’ve moved on since my divorce, I’ve even seen my ex and have no lingering feelings for her anymore. But it wasn’t easy and I really think that it was due to having my interim relationship with the girl I dated for 8 months before meeting the new woman (Let’s call her Laura).

 

I haven’t spoken to Laura about whether or not she’s been with anyone else since she separated almost a year ago, I would find it hard to believe since she’s got an outgoing personality and is physically a very attractive woman. But my biggest fear right now is that if I am the first guy she’s been with since her separation then, I’ll become the rebound guy, and well, let’s face it, nobody gets serious with the rebound guy/girl.

 

The reason I haven’t brought it up is that I don’t want to scare her by giving her the impression of being needy or desperate, historically guys don’t really broach the “what are we?” subject.

 

Also, Laura accepted to be my date for a friend’s wedding that’s coming up soon. I didn’t think much of it when I asked her but talking to a female friend she told me that it was a pretty big deal when someone goes with you to a formal affair. Is this true?

[Green]

maybe its a big deal to invite some one to a formal afair... I mean you do kinda love her... it would be a better sign if she invited you to a weding but the fact women think that way and she accepted your invitation cant be a bad sign

[confused.....]

Rod-gtown...if she is accepting an invite to a wedding she is in to you and the situation. I think you approach it cautiously. As you are doing. Express some of your feelings not all of them, give her the space she needs, but do not hold back how you feel. In other words..allow her to see some of your emotions not all of them.

 

I saw in another thread that you were married to an older women with a kid. I was recently told by my gf of 8 months (who has been married and has 3 kids and she is 5.5 years old ) we are in our 30's, that she wanted a break from us....it was a dear john email. Bec. I think she did not believe in us breaking up and knew she could not do it person. That was 3 weeks ago. We have had limited contact (she instant messaged me last week, a few text messages intiated by her, and a phone call (she asked me to call her only if I wanted to). I think she is running now (sabotaging a great thing) to save herself from me running later (i have no thoughts of doing so). I would like to hear your thoughts. I never gave her my thoughts back after her email, other then i would respect her decision bec. I loved her. She wrote back that she loved me, and that we were great, that I gave her a twinkle. but she wanted time to think and she wanted me to think as well.

[CommitmentPhobe]

The reason I haven’t brought it up is that I don’t want to scare her by giving her the impression of being needy or desperate, historically guys don’t really broach the “what are we?” subject.

 

You started something with someone who you discussed "not dating" with. You pretty much signed up to an agreeement here.

 

Now if you want to change those terms of that agreement, be prepared for a no.

 

Being needy or desperate is nothing to do with wanting to date someone. Being needy or desperate is about needing constant validation or needing something really really badly. Being weak is forcing yourself into a corner where you are holding none of the cards and playing to someone elses tune. Which is basically what you're doing in this instance. You're playing a role where someone sleeps with you does a bit of huggy huggy, gets what they want and that's that. To some guys that would be what they want, but if it's not what you want, why are you doing it?

 

Either you work out how to progress this into a situation where you're dating or not dating, or you tear yourself up. Your call. Asking questions about what this or that means is irrelevant. "She did this -> therefore etc. etc.". You just twist yourself up with that stuff. More importantly you seem to be talking about all your fears, "hey I don't want to be a rebound", "hey i don't want to be heavy", yeah so what do you want?

 

It's a simple choice risk losing what you have for something more, or keep going with it. Again your call.

 

Sedriously I don't uinderstand what the weakness is, we are not made of glass. If you want something, there's often a risk associated with it, in this case it's the risk of getting hurt. What's wrong with accepting that you might get hurt?

 

At this formal thing, are you prepared to be introduced as a "friend"?? That's seems such a demoralising situation to me.

 

On a final note I think it's very odd that you're asking whether going to a formal event with her is a sign of something, rather than the way you have sex with each other or the things you talk about when you're intimate. There's something just completely off with that.

[rod_in_gtown]

maybe its a big deal to invite some one to a formal afair... I mean you do kinda love her... it would be a better sign if she invited you to a weding but the fact women think that way and she accepted your invitation cant be a bad sign

Yeah, that was my take on it as well

[rod_in_gtown]

You started something with someone who you discussed "not dating" with. You pretty much signed up to an agreeement here.

 

True, but like everything there is room for modifying the terms or maybe sign a different agreement.

 

Now if you want to change those terms of that agreement, be prepared for a no.

 

That's what I'm afraid of

 

Being needy or desperate is nothing to do with wanting to date someone. Being needy or desperate is about needing constant validation or needing something really really badly. Being weak is forcing yourself into a corner where you are holding none of the cards and playing to someone elses tune. Which is basically what you're doing in this instance. You're playing a role where someone sleeps with you does a bit of huggy huggy, gets what they want and that's that. To some guys that would be what they want, but if it's not what you want, why are you doing it?

 

Wow, that kind of hurt, because it's very logical and it applies very much to my situation. It's true that I put myself in the situation, maybe I'm weak for not being "my way or the highway" about it, but I've been at the point where she is now, and going through a tough situation like a divorce is not something to take lightly. I do not want to save her nor take the role of emotional pilar through this situation, I think I was afraid that if I didn't make my move I would end up in the friends zone like I did with my friend 8 years ago. I want her to take time to heal and be ready for a relationship with me, but being involved with her is probably not the way to go... ugh

 

More importantly you seem to be talking about all your fears, "hey I don't want to be a rebound", "hey i don't want to be heavy", yeah so what do you want?

 

I guess I want what everyone wants, Love, happiness, companionship, friendship... I suppose I should be telling her this as opposed to the "I don't want" approach...

 

At this formal thing, are you prepared to be introduced as a "friend"?? That's seems such a demoralising situation to me.

 

Yes, I don't really have a problem with that. I'm not interested in labels so much as not being abandoned again...

 

On a final note I think it's very odd that you're asking whether going to a formal event with her is a sign of something, rather than the way you have sex with each other or the things you talk about when you're intimate. There's something just completely off with that.

 

I suppose I should've put this on a separate topic, it's not a major issue when it comes to the whole situation, but rather something that popped up in my head while I was writing the article.

I think it's relevant in the way that I would've never thought of it as a big deal until another woman pointed it out, it made me feel as though I'm not in tune with what goes on in the female head as I thought I did, and was wondering perhaps if I was the only one.

[rod_in_gtown]

Rod-gtown...if she is accepting an invite to a wedding she is in to you and the situation. I think you approach it cautiously. As you are doing. Express some of your feelings not all of them, give her the space she needs, but do not hold back how you feel. In other words..allow her to see some of your emotions not all of them.

 

I have been thinking that a conversation is overdue, plus I found out today that I have low-risk HPV, so I have to let her know (this is definitely going to put a damper on things) I guess I'll postpone the whole "where do I stand" conversation until we've resolved the whole HPV thing first... things can be so complicated sometimes...

 

I saw in another thread that you were married to an older women with a kid. I was recently told by my gf of 8 months (who has been married and has 3 kids and she is 5.5 years old ) we are in our 30's, that she wanted a break from us....it was a dear john email. Bec. I think she did not believe in us breaking up and knew she could not do it person. That was 3 weeks ago. We have had limited contact (she instant messaged me last week, a few text messages intiated by her, and a phone call (she asked me to call her only if I wanted to). I think she is running now (sabotaging a great thing) to save herself from me running later (i have no thoughts of doing so). I would like to hear your thoughts. I never gave her my thoughts back after her email, other then i would respect her decision bec. I loved her. She wrote back that she loved me, and that we were great, that I gave her a twinkle. but she wanted time to think and she wanted me to think as well.

 

It seems to me like she's trying to protect herself from being hurt. I understand her position because her, being 15 years older than you are (you did say she was 55 right?) she has gone through a lot of growing since she passed your age, there's and old saying in spanish that says "El ladron juzga por su condicion" which roughly translates to "the thief judges by his condition" which means, the thief always thinks other people are thieves because he attributes behaviors to them that he himself would do.

What I'm trying to say is that she probablyfeels like she made some mistakes when she was your age and doesn't want to bear the burden of being your mistake that you're making now. Does that make any sense?

 

Pay attention to what she has to say, but also think about the possibility that she may be wanting to sabotage her relationship to see if you will try to do something to keep her from going, she might be going to the "If you love something, let it go..." approach to you and your relationship. Which I find idiotic but can understand why someone would do that if they think their future is in jeopardy.

 

Bottomline, what do you want? do you want to marry this woman? sounds to me like you are in love with her, is she right for you? are you right for her? are you happy when you're with her? you can also use the whole demi moore / ashton kutcher analogy on her to justify how those relationships do work as long as she's willing to have faith in you and allow for things to happen.

[confused.....]

Rod-ingtown you definitely want to postpone the "where do we stand" conversation to deal with your issue. And I implore you to be up front with her with that and allow her to make the next choice...to stick around and deal with that or to leave....this may very well give you the answers you have been looking for.

 

As for me..NO she is only 5 and 1/2 years older then I am. But she has been married and has 3 kids so I think you are still correct on being the thief. She has made comments like that to me. That I am younger and do not know etc. But yes I LOVE her, she makes me happy, we really enjoy eachothers presence and well as she and I said throughout...we just make a good team. In fact we always said we thought we were destined for great things together. I have over the past 3 weeks of our, whatever we are, thought about her, her kids and me. And i have spoken with family members, that knew of her but not her past (it was important that no one pre-judged before meeting her). All have been supportive. And I have thought about that saying as well. "if you love someone, set them free, if they come back....." but what and how do I do anything when I am respecting her break and time issues.