SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Hey everyone, I'm looking for some advice on how to handle my boyfriend's relationship with his ex, or how to make me feel better about it. I'm sorry for this being so long but I feel like you need the entire story. The ex I'm referring to is his first love, his high school girlfriend (he's 28 now). From my understanding, they broke up because of distance. He was going to school in Florida and she went off to college in Massachusetts after their high school graduation. I think she ended it and broke his heart, I guess it was an amicable break-up though because they remained friends. In 2003 (5 years after they dated in high school), they went on a back-packing trip to Europe. Hooked up the entire time. They got back from Europe and I think just returned to being friends (they still had the distance between them). Then, in 2005 I came into the picture. Him and I have been dating since the winter of 05'. I slowly started finding out more about this 'ex' and even met her when we went on a trip to Boston. She's nice, pretty, and very smart. After this trip, he occasionally talked to her over the phone on Christmas, BDays etc. In 2006, him and I moved to CA. This was our first time living together. After about 6 months I discovered a box of his and hers memorabilia, photos, love letters, cards and even a pair of her underwear. I got kind of upset that he moved this stuff into our first place together, but realized this stuff was mostly from high school and years ago. Perhaps this was the wrong thing for me to do, but I made him get rid of it. He doesn't even keep cards from me. He said he didn't mind, so it was all thrown away. She sent him a text message on his birthday last winter and that was the last I'd heard of her until now. About a week ago, she found him and added him as a friend through the popular social networking site Facebook (similar to myspace). He told me right away that they were now facebook friends. I asked him if he had talked to her by messaging her or email now. He said 'no'. 5 days later, I did something wrong, and used his PC to see his account and found a long facebook email that he sent her (I didn't see if she sent him one first or her reply). It was a pretty harmless message, asking about her new job, talking about himself etc. I didn't like the fact that he was curious if she was still 'dating that doc' and his tone throughout the message kind of upset me. I'm not sure if I would consider it flirtatious but it gave me the impression that he was "really" excited to be talking to her again. Anyway, I felt bad for snooping and upset at what I found so I told him what I did. He got extremely upset that I snooped (this was the first time I've ever done this), and I told him I was upset about the letter and that he lied to me. He said he lied because he knew I'd get upset, which I would with a letter like that. So now I'm not sure what to do. We never really concluded anything from the fight. It's obvious that I'm jealous and insecure about this girl, but I don't know how to make myself feel better. My gut tells me that there are still some feelings he has for her. I feel that if we broke up and she was single (I'm not sure if she is), or if the situation was different, they'd be *really* talking again. I feel like he can't let her go. If they dated, broke up and remained friends, I would be fine with that. But the fact that they hooked up again years later, their casual contact, and now this letter doesn't sit well with me. I'm fine with them being friends, but he doesn't even send his so-called best friends letters like that, best friends that he just moved away from in FL even. He doesn't normally keep in touch with anyone, if she's just a friend, why should it be any different? Of course he tells me I have nothing to worry about, but it still bothers me. I don't want to make him stop talking to her (and from now on, he'll probably just do it behind my back anyway), but I don't what to do that will make me feel better about the situation. Part of me wishes that I never told him I saw that message and continued to be sneaky and learned more about their relationship. I hate thinking that he's going to be even more sneaky with his contact with her from now on. I feel like I need to bring this up again with him, but I'm not sure of what kind of resolution I'm even looking for. I know I would feel better if there was no more contact between them, but I know I can't do that, and even if he agreed to do that for me, he still may have those feelings (that I think he has) for her. Do I just accept the fact that they may have this kind of relationship for as long as we're together? Do I bring it up again with him? I don't want to be with someone that has feelings for someone else, so how would I know for sure that he doesn't? Uggh, so confused.
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I didn't even read your entire post before I felt like I HAD to reply. If your gut is telling you something...you better listen to it. Our sub-conscience (sp?) picks up things our conscience self ignores. Its called intuition and a woman has very strong intuition. You said you had never snooped before, yet the one time you felt the impulse to snoop, you found something. Some little voice in your head was telling you something doesn't seem quite right, am I right? Listen to that voice...it will always be right. Besides, there is absolutely no reason for him to still be in contact with a ex, especially one that didn't really end for any specific reason other than distance. That means feelings have not been resolved. YOU are his gf...not the other woman. This is where he whould respect your feelings. His interaction with another woman is causing a riff in your relationship...if your relationship is important to him, then asking (or telling if you have to) him to cease all contact would not be too much for him to handle. If he puts up a fight...he still has feelings for her. And, I wouldn't put it past him, because of his sneakiness, that he wouldn't eventually act on those feelings. My current bf had contact with his ex for the first year we were together. I hated it. She would send all kinds of inappropriate texts telling him she loved him and missed him, blah, blah, blah. Finally...I couldn't take it anymore and told him that if he wanted to be with me, he needed to stop any contact with her. Eventually, I had to tell the b!tch to step off because she wouldn't listen to him...I saw the texts he sent her so I know I told her to stop. My point is, if your intuition is telling you something, listen to it....it is picking up on something your missing. I think he still has feelings for her, IMO. In that case, he needs to cease ALL contact or go be with her and not string you along.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 He probably does have feelings for her, after all she's his ex. A guy that keeps friendly with his ex like that is good material, it shows he can handle his emotions. If he hadn't have moved forward he would still be seeing her and not you. Now on the other hand your behaviour... you've made him throw away his box of memories for what? You're questioning his actions for what? Currently he is seeing you not his ex so what on earth is your problem?
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 He probably does have feelings for her, after all she's his ex. A guy that keeps friendly with his ex like that is good material, it shows he can handle his emotions. If he hadn't have moved forward he would still be seeing her and not you. Now on the other hand your behaviour... you've made him throw away his box of memories for what? You're questioning his actions for what? Currently he is seeing you not his ex so what on earth is your problem? Perhaps the potential for a cheating bf? All of his behavior to me points to that. If he can't keep cards and love letters from his current gf, then he has no need to keep things from her...if he really has no feelings for her. Listen to your gut girl!!
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Perhaps the potential for a cheating bf? All of his behavior to me points to that. If he can't keep cards and love letters from his current gf, then he has no need to keep things from her...if he really has no feelings for her. Listen to your gut girl!! Potential to cheat? She has that low an opinion of her boyfriend she thinks he would cheat? If that's what her gut is saying then she should leave anyway. His feelings for his ex don't come into it, it's all about trust.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 I feel like he moved forward because of distance between them. Like I said, I don't like thinking that if something was to happen between us, he'd tried to rekindle things with her. Which means he still has the wrong feelings for her now. I was a little off in the first reply in regards to the box of stuff. I asked him first if I could throw it out, he said 'yes'. I didn't give him an ultimatum or anything. That stuff upset me because he doesn't even hold onto stuff that I, his current girlfriend, give him. How could that not upset anyone?!? Again, my problem is my insecurity and these gut feelings that he can't let her go. I personally don't want to be with someone who has, what I will consider *wrong* feelings, towards someone else.
lexi29 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I am still friends with one of my exes. We dated for several years and we were engaged and lived together. I broke up with him and moved on (he didn't cheat or anything). He has moved from the state we used to live in to another and I believe he still has the cards and letters and gifts I'd given him over the years. I still have mementos that exes have given me and truly they mean nothing to me. I am just a sentimental person who likes to keep things that were ONCE meaningful. My ex and I are still friends and there are NO feelings involved. He is upfront with the people he dates as am I about our friendship. Your boyfriend should not have lied to you about contacting his ex. If his ex is more important than you (he has to lie so you won't get upset when you legitimately have a good reason to get upset) then he should just end all contact with her.
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 You may be insecure,...but I really don't think your insecurity is what has started this. He did...first he lied to you. Then, you had a feeling to snoop...in which you found some incriminating evidence. Thats not insecurity sweetheart...that is following the clues and protecting yourself. No matter what anyone wants to accuse you of...being insecure is not the reason for your reactions. You are reacting to what he has done. Committing one lie makes a dent in trust, which of course creates questions and suspicions in your head. Listen to what your gut is saying. Your gut doesn't usually go spewing nonsense to you, does it? Why not trust it now? It will never steer you the wrong way...as it is the ONLY one that has YOUR best interests first, 100% of the time.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 No, I don't have the gut feeling that he's going to cheat. I just don't like the feeling that his feelings aren't solely for me.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 No, I don't have the gut feeling that he's going to cheat. I just don't like the feeling that his feelings aren't solely for me. Then you're going to have to learn to accept and deal with that. Here's the thing, it's not just his ex, probably several times over he'll be in the oncoming path of some female traffic that grabs his attention. It really isn't worth winding yourself up over this.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 I'm getting two completely different responses to this. The confusion continues :-(
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Ok...so you have a feeling that he has feelings for a another woman...and? How does that not make you wonder if he is going to follow the statistics and cheat? I'm not going to try to convince you that he is gonna cheat...because he very well may not. But why be in a relationship where your SO has romantic feelings for another woman? What I was trying to tell you bout the listen to you gut thing is this: if your gut is telling you something, listen to it. If it is telling you that he has feelings for another woman...you are in all probability, right. Of course he is gonna lie about it when you ask...he's already lied to you once about contacting this woman because he knew you'd be upset; of course you'd be upset if he were to tell you "yes sweetheart, I have feelings for this woman,...but I promise! I love you too!" So why would he tell you the truth this time?
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Ok...so you have a feeling that he has feelings for a another woman...and? How does that not make you wonder if he is going to follow the statistics and cheat? I'm not going to try to convince you that he is gonna cheat...because he very well may not. But why be in a relationship where your SO has romantic feelings for another woman? What I was trying to tell you bout the listen to you gut thing is this: if your gut is telling you something, listen to it. If it is telling you that he has feelings for another woman...you are in all probability, right. Of course he is gonna lie about it when you ask...he's already lied to you once about contacting this woman because he knew you'd be upset; of course you'd be upset if he were to tell you "yes sweetheart, I have feelings for this woman,...but I promise! I love you too!" So why would he tell you the truth this time? Wait a minute, didn't her gut get her into this relationship in the first place? So what, she shouldn't have listened to it in the first place? But hang on, it's always right so how can it be wrong? Or did she not listen to her gut when she got into the relationship? I'm a little confused here as to how this gut thing works.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I'm getting two completely different responses to this. The confusion continues :-( Aright lets try to uncomplicate this. What are the potential actions you can take to resolve this issue?
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Wait a minute, didn't her gut get her into this relationship in the first place? So what, she shouldn't have listened to it in the first place? But hang on, it's always right so how can it be wrong? Or did she not listen to her gut when she got into the relationship? I'm a little confused here as to how this gut thing works. Ya know...I purposely didn't reply to you for this reason...your unneccessary sarcasm. I'm trying to help this girl with my point of view and my experience, which is what LS is for, right? Don't attack what you don't understand. Obviously you don't have one otherwise you'd understand. I was replying to the OP...not you.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Ok, potential actions I can think of: 1.) Tell him to stop talking to her. Since he doesn't keep in contact with other friends, and if he truly loves me then I would think this should be easy for him to do. The problem with this is that I don't think it's the right decision if this is completely harmless, but with all the info I'm not sure if it is entirely harmless. 2.) Just deal with it. Be insecure about her, and if he cheats dump him. I think this option will leave me uncomfortable and make me be sneaky more often. 3.) The preferred option, have a wonderful talk with him so I'm completely at ease with all of this and know exactly what is going on between them. Is this asking for too much though? Should I be able to see all their emails etc? And since he lied to me about talking to her this time, I'm afraid he may do it again.
CommitmentPhobe Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Option 3 sounds like the best way to resolve the situation. Just have a calm chat with him. Be prepared to accept that he might have feelings for his ex - this is not the end of the world, people do generally hold feelings for their first loves. What you have to do is compromise and agree where the boundaries are with this so that there's no confusion.
Lolodelight Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I agree with GrnEyed Gemini: instinct/intution/God tells you everything. I just broke relationship off for a similar thing. I'd been seeing this guy for 2 years. I could feel that my guy had feelings for his child's mother. I understand there's a connection with the childs mother because of the child, but there's boundaries you don't step beyond. I told him I was uncomfortable about him seeing the child and mother in the child's mother's house, and that I would prefer if he see his child without the mother being around. He said he would try his best to see his child, just him and her - and give him a chance to prove himself. Couple of months later something (instinct/intuition) told me go through his phone. Sure enough I found a message saying that he's seeing the child and asked does the mother want to come too. I've now called the relationship off.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 I'm not terminating my relationship because of this. I'm going to talk to him tonight, come to some understanding of what we both feel are appropriate boundaries, and then go from there. If he's completely honest with me, which I feel he will be after tonight, maybe these gut feelings of mine will go away. If I find out he lies again, that's a different story. For appropriate boundaries I'm thinking: 1. no more lies 2. he should be giving me a verbal summary of their emails/conversations. I tell him what my friends are up to, I don't think it should be any different for him. 3. if they are to meet in person, I definitely should know about it, and be invited to go. Maybe if I become better friends with her I'll understand the situation better too. These *rules* seem kind of weird to me, but do they seem appropriate? Of course, I have to hear what he thinks/agrees to first. Thank you all and I'll post an update tomorrow for those who are looking for similar advice.
GrnEyedGemini Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I'm not terminating my relationship because of this. I'm going to talk to him tonight, come to some understanding of what we both feel are appropriate boundaries, and then go from there. If he's completely honest with me, which I feel he will be after tonight, maybe these gut feelings of mine will go away. If I find out he lies again, that's a different story. For appropriate boundaries I'm thinking: 1. no more lies 2. he should be giving me a verbal summary of their emails/conversations. I tell him what my friends are up to, I don't think it should be any different for him. 3. if they are to meet in person, I definitely should know about it, and be invited to go. Maybe if I become better friends with her I'll understand the situation better too. These *rules* seem kind of weird to me, but do they seem appropriate? Of course, I have to hear what he thinks/agrees to first. Thank you all and I'll post an update tomorrow for those who are looking for similar advice. May I ask how old are you? When it comes to situations like these, you have got to stand up for yourself. Asking for his thoughts on the boundaries you set is like asking a kid if they are ok with their curfew. He screwed up..he lied to you. If you don't start standing up for yourself, then you will always be walked on by him. Set the boundaries and tell him that if he wants to continue the relationship, then this is how its got to be. Negotiation with someone who has lied to you is pointless, IMO. I think you will regret it in the long run. And later kick yourself in the ass for turning a blind eye to your instinct. But, that is a lesson I guess we all gotta learn the hard way. Good luck to you and I really do hope everything turns out the way you expect.
Author SFgirl Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 May I ask how old are you? When it comes to situations like these, you have got to stand up for yourself. Asking for his thoughts on the boundaries you set is like asking a kid if they are ok with their curfew. He screwed up..he lied to you. If you don't start standing up for yourself, then you will always be walked on by him. Set the boundaries and tell him that if he wants to continue the relationship, then this is how its got to be. Negotiation with someone who has lied to you is pointless, IMO. Ha! I'm 26. I'm really more interested in readers thoughts over his. I just wanted to make sure I'm not being ridiculous or asking for too much, or if there's something obvious I'm missing.
Author SFgirl Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Talk went fine. Hopefully, this won't be an issue anymore. Thanks everyone for your help.
Walk Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Glad the talk went well! I was really surprised to see the guideliness you discussed with your bf for contact with his ex. I thought that was a very mature way to handle the situation. I don't often see people handling a situation as potentially explosive as yours was, in such a healthy and responsible manner.
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