Jersey Shortie Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I've been divorced almost a year and for the past 7 months, I have been dating a wonderful man. He has those qualities that were good about my ex as well as those that I knew, after I got divorced, that I needed in a future relationship. Of course I wouldn't be here if there wasn't a but.... But, he likes to tease me and can be sarcastic. So here's my question: Is picking at and teasing someone you're dating "normal"? Is it OK, or fair, for one partner to ask the other to stop completely? Do I keep trying to accept that his making fun is harmless, like he says? I have told him I get hurt easily by it because my ex was cruel about teasing me (he doesn't tease in the same manner), and I associate the picking with disrespect, so I know I've got issues to resolve. He says, and I guess I agree, that I have to be able to laugh at myself. Just don't know what the acceptable limit is..... if there even is such a thing.... The acceptable limit in your relationship is whatever you are comfortible with. Clearly you are a little uncomfortible with it. The fact that you told him that it bothered you and he kept doing it is a little insenitive. It might not mean he is trying to be cruel but he seems to be a little obtuse at the very least. I think dishing it back a little might be a good idea. Try to play along as someone else suggested about saying you're suprised they didn't put you in the kitchen with him there... that was a good come back, I forget what poster that came from. This will make it seem less serious all around. All in all OP, I do understand where you are coming from and have been in your shoes of dating a good guy but sometimes him saying obtuse insentive things that hurt your feelings. Sometimes I was able to laugh at it and sometimes we got into fights over it. Sometimes he took it too far and placed doubts about how he really felt about me. Teasing can bridge a connection but it can also take away from the connection. There is a balance.
Author pandabear99 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks for all the great advice/opinions. I truly don't think he means them cruel, like my ex did. I knew he was trying to hurt me and I don't have that "vibe" with my boyfriend. I purchased a couple of books about healing from emotional abuse, so maybe that will help me to not take everything so serious and to appreciate his humor for what it is -- his humor. We just had a nice talk on the phone, with laughing about things other than me -- yea! I do think being compatible in humor is important like some of the posts said. I was unsure if asking him to taper his comments was right or fair of me. Again, going back to the ex, when I asked for the comments (aka jokes) to stop, it came back that it was my problem for taking it wrong and I shouldn't ask him to change. I don't want to lose this relationship over baggage from my marriage, and I guess I'm still a little cloudy on what I can and shouldn't ask for. Thanks for the posts... I do feel that I'm at least not out of line to let him know the teasing hurts. Maybe if I can get my self esteem built up, those little jokes he makes won't bother me.
Author pandabear99 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Oh, and I will try the dishing it back to him. Even though my wit may not be as quick, I can at least try! Thanks....
forrest Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Oh, and I will try the dishing it back to him. Even though my wit may not be as quick, I can at least try! Thanks.... it just takes practice. Get one of those "How to be funny books." I got one...and look at the results!!!! Now you can be making jokes after only 15 minutes a day.
JoeNewbie Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Oh my god some people are way too sensitive and analyze way too much. I thought I was pretty bad but I think some of the responses here are unbelievable. Where's the abuse? This is not even a borderline situation! The examples that were described are VERY MILD HUMOR! If I were with a woman who couldn't take this (hang on a second, I wouldn't), I would think that she has serious self-esteem issues. There is nothing wrong with what the guy does. If you don't like it, find yourself a bore. But please, this isn't abusive behavior. Not even close. You are asking him to stop being himself. How stupid. Just dump him if you don't like him.
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