lexi29 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Should you always trust your gut feelings? I'm not sure what mine is telling me but it is that something isn't right. I don't know what is wrong with me. whether it is stress about getting married and maybe I am getting cold feet and want out? Or that my fiance is up to something? This past week was a very strange week. We went to a local fair for four days. Took his 9 year old son. Last year at this same fair we met up with his ex from 11 years ago and shortly afterward he left me suddenly to be with her. He dumped her after dating on two weeks and cheated on her during this time as well (with me, I didn't know they were dating) So I DO know he is capable of cheating but have no suspicions or proof he has ever cheated on me (and he could have easily cheated on me with this ex if he'd wanted to but instead broke up with me). We've gone to this fair for the last four years and every year we walk around with his son, we hold hands, he is affectionate- giving me little hugs or putting his arm around me while we wait in line etc. This year some little things that have bugged me happened prior to this week- my fiance and his son were supposed to take a week vacation to the beach with my family and me. He canceled about two weeks ago. His reasoning was that he was supposed to go away for work this week and he won't have the money to go on vacation. But we had been planning this for months. saturday of last week he didn't want to have sex at all- not usual for him! He just said he wasn't in the mood. We didn't have sex again till Tuesday. One day last week he was joking around counting the number of guys who I've talked to or been friends with in the last few years and he counted 7 and he said "see you have 7 to my one" (I talk to two guys on and off that I"m friends with). I asked him who the one he talks to is (no one to my knowledge) and he said he doesn't talk to anyone. That he doesn't know why he said that. I didn't get mad or anything but I just wonder. Back to this past week. We went to this fair four days. He wasn't affectionate with me at all (at home he will always give me a kiss when I get there and say I love you and hug me) at this fair he gave me a kiss in public the first day and every time after that I had to initiate it. He didn't try to hold my hand when we walked around (I didn't initiate it either). After two days of this I asked if anything was wrong and pointed out his lack of affection. He didn't do anything to change this. saturday I looked especially good (wore a favorite pink tank top) and looked really hot (according to guy friend) and my fiance didn't even notice. He was checking out other woman (I don't care if he looks but normally he compliments me first) and there was this blonde girl that he kept watching and I got a little upset and I asked him as a joke what color shirt I was wearing. We had been walking about together for about 3 hours at this point and he definately should have noticed my shirt) and he didnt' know what color my shirt was!! I got upset (tears in my eyes) and he said "what now you think I'm not paying attention to you?" He just got irritated that I was asking him questions. The night before this we were walking around and this blonde girl (his friend's ex) came up to him and talked his ear off. She was asking his son if he remembered her and he told her no. I didn't know who she was till she mentioned his friend's name and that she was happy now (she was with a new boyfriend). Once I figured out who she was (he didn't introduce us as he says we were introduced three years ago which is true, but I didnt remember her at first) after she left I asked where he knew her from as she is his friend's ex but we've never gone out with them and she is only 19 (he is 31) and she seemed like she knows him pretty well (she said she heard he was getting married and asked when and said "have fun with that") so I couldn't figure out how he would know her so well other than as his friend's ex (and its not really his friend just a guy he works with) He told me he used to work with her on this haunted trail. I was curious how long he's known her as she would have been about 12 years old back then! He told me "JUST STOP" I don't want anymore questions." We got into a huge argument because I told him he WILL answer any of my questions or he can just rip the marriage license up (we had just got our marriage license that same day). I do question him when he talks to other women but only if I have no idea who they are! When I'd ask him why he wasn't being affectionate he said that three years ago I told him I dont' like PDA. Which is true. But THIS WEEK, I was telling him I felt he was mad at me or something because he would only kiss me in public if I kissed him first and he wouldnt' put his arm around me without me suggesting it. It almost seemed to me (and this may be my paranoia talking) that he didn't want anyone to know we were together. Just in case he met someone else. But his other actions were totally contradicting that because we went on friday and got our marriage license and he got his tuxes on saturday and all this was HIS idea. He had wanted me to go this fair with him (he bought me passes to go the week before) and when I'd ask if he wanted me to stay home one night he'd say no. One thing that made me mad was my ex (broke up with him 7 years ago and he lives 2 hours away) was there one day of this fair and we walked around together for about 15 minutes. We are still friends and my fiance has met him before and three years ago at this same fair I made the mistake of walking around with this ex without my fiance (boyfriend at the time) and his son. My fiance always had a problem wtih that so I told him about my ex coming this year and that all four of us could walk around together. So my ex bumps into us there and I introduce him to my fiance (again) and my fiance doesn't say hi or anything, just walks off with his son and leaves me standing there with my ex. He said his son wanted to play a game so thats why he left but he didnt' tell me where he was going. Just walked off. Made me mad that he was so rude. HE told me that if I wanted to talk to my ex I could walk around with him by myself. He said that he wasnt' mad but he sure acted like it. His ex (that he cheated on and had an explosive breakup with- he left me for her and dated her for two weeks) was at this fair on saturday and she sat with his parents (is apparently now friends with his SIL) during a sporting event. He didn't think it was any big deal to sit next to her and her daughter even though she hasnt' talked to him in almost a year and she was upset we were getting married (she wanted to marry him). He was going to sit in the bleachers near her until I told him it made me uncomfortable. Yesterday morning (I had spent the night) I left my fiance's house and went home to do some errands. I was on my way back and my fiance left me a message to call him asap. I waited till I got to his place and asked what he wanted. He said that he needed to talk to me about the wedding. He told his son to stay inside while we went out to the porch to talk. His son was smiling and said "he found someone". I was like what? and he said "dad found someone". For some reason I thought he meant that my fiance found someone else (my fears all week long) when he said "he found someoene" and that my fiance was going to confess that he was going to leave me for another woman. (because my fiance didn't want his son to hear our conversation. I thought all this even though my fiance had said "love you" in his phone message telling me to call him asap. It turned out my fiance had spent all morning calling ministers and officiants to try to find someone to perform our wedding ceremony. Thats what "he found someone" meant. But I had thought the opposite! I mean I had tears in my eyes and my heart was beating a mile a minute and I was shaking because I thought he was breaking up with me!!! On saturday night we had sex and it was awesome but different. For one thing we had to wait till his son was asleep so we were just teasing eachother for a long time. The thing that was different is that he told me something he liked that he's never told me before (to squeeze him really hard) and he came inside me which he's NEVER done before even though I've told him he could. So while that was great it was just strange that he had that request after over 3 years! Also we spent most of the day together yesterday and he called me unexpectedly last night just to say good night and when I got off the phone everything was fine. I felt like I loved him so much and that everything was great. Yet this morning I wake up and that feeling is back. Like a sick scared feeling in the pit of my stomach. So should I trust my gut that something isn't right? Or I am just looking for reasons to call this off?
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 So should I trust my gut that something isn't right? Your gut is telling you NOT TO MARRY THIS GUY. Not because he is cheating, but because you have never trusted him. Every single post you show all your fears and doubts about him. If he isn't paying attention to you - You think he doesn't want to get married. If he doesn't have sex with you one night - You think he doesn't want to get married. If he is in a bad mood and just distant - You think he doesn't want to get married. Go back and read ALL your posts, the answers are there. Until you deal with your own insecurities, fears and work on you, nothing will change. This guy has told you 100 times that he loves you, wants to marry you, yet every week it's something else and you have doubts. To be honest, I think you need to put the wedding on HOLD, postpone it. Do some counselling and figure out if he IS the one you want to marry. You have some serious trust issues, insecurities and self esteem, low confidence as well.
hotgurl Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Lexi, it is glaring obvious you two never addressed the break up last. Yea maybe you talked about it once or twice but you never really addressed it so that is why you are so insure. It must be really exhausting to your fiance to have to reassure you all the time. And to have any little action that it not percieved as normal to you as a fact that he is leaving you. How tiring that must be to live with. plus in arguements you should never threaten to break up if you don't really mean it. You communication with each other sucks. you obviously don't trust him. and as for whether there are things going on or you are just looking for things. You are just looking for things to break up with him. You never felt comfortable with the engagment in the first place. you two have never addressed the damaged he cause the relationship by just suddenly leaving he has never done the work to gain back you r trust and you have done the work to trust him. you are in no way ready to marry him. you don't really even want to you are staying out of fear of being alone and not wanting to hurt him or his son. You love him but you know this isn't right.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 It must be really exhausting to your fiance to have to reassure you all the time. And this is why if they break up, atleast if her fiance ends it, THAT will be the prime reason - Always having to make sure she's happy and fulfilled, feeling secure and loved by him 24/7 IS draining. Lexi please get to counselling because you're ruining your relationship by not trusting.
Author lexi29 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Lexi, it is glaring obvious you two never addressed the break up last. Yea maybe you talked about it once or twice but you never really addressed it so that is why you are so insure. It must be really exhausting to your fiance to have to reassure you all the time. And to have any little action that it not percieved as normal to you as a fact that he is leaving you. How tiring that must be to live with. plus in arguements you should never threaten to break up if you don't really mean it. You communication with each other sucks. you obviously don't trust him. and as for whether there are things going on or you are just looking for things. You are just looking for things to break up with him. You never felt comfortable with the engagment in the first place. you two have never addressed the damaged he cause the relationship by just suddenly leaving he has never done the work to gain back you r trust and you have done the work to trust him. you are in no way ready to marry him. you don't really even want to you are staying out of fear of being alone and not wanting to hurt him or his son. You love him but you know this isn't right. Your post made me cry because you are totally right! I think I am trying to find something "bad" out before we get married so I will be forced to end it. I am just so afraid I am going to marry him and there are going to be these skeletons in the closet that I find out about down the road. I just want to find out everything NOW before I commit to him and time is running out. If there is anything hidden or bad that he has done I want to know NOW so I can make an informed decision. He once told me (years ago) that he he had a one night fling with an ex (one who abandoned her son with him for two weeks while she cheated on him) and the boy wasn't even his child. He said about two months after their fling she called him and told him that the condom had broken (he said he didn't remember that happening) and that she was now pregnant. Told me he told her there was no way the kid was his and if she wanted to prove it with a paternity test once it was born then to call him, if not never to call him again. He said she never called again but he saw her about a year later (when we were dating) and she had a little girl with her. He said if it really was his kid she would have gotten that paternity test and gotten child support from him. His friend is this girl's cousin and he said his friend doesnt' even know she told him the baby was his. He said he's never told anyone this but me and he still doesn't think that the child could be his (that the girl never called him again) but I always wonder if there are any other stories like that out there. My fiance doesn't have to reassure me 24/7. But when there are situations like this past weekend where we ran into his ex (that he left me for and dated for two weeks) he should step it up and be extra affectionate. Or if he wants to check out other woman (heck, i was too!) then he should make sure he compliments me or at least pays attention to me. It also could be the fear that in all of my past relationships, the farther the relationship progresed it just felt like at the end I became invisible to my SO. That I didn't matter anymore and I'm terrified of that happening with my fiance (and I feel it start to happening) Like he's "won" me and doesn't have to put in the effort anymore.
whichwayisup Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Lexi, please do therapy to help you with this stuff. Your other post, you sounded so happy because he came inside of you, and it sounded like you two had a wonderful late night together after his son fell asleep. Then you turn around and post something that shows all your doubts and fears..
astra77 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 lexi, while it is normal to be a "little bit" nervous in the weeks leading to your wedding, you are experiencing anxiety about it. Please listen to WWIU and see a counsellor, you may be able to save yourself and your relationship. Good luck
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