breakupunderachiever Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 wtf. he told her he LOVED HER. that's crazy town. what was he thinking? i asked (stupidly) whether my ex had emotionally engaged and he said for a few seconds. later he said that he had considered going out with her, but just as a 'slave girlfriend' that would not mean anything. like, that is supposed to be a good thing??? ie that he is comfortable treating women like they have no feelings and exist only to make him feel better? which made me realise that he is just trying, and failing, to tell me what i wanted to hear. anyways, it turned out he has not much integrity. we were on and off for a while. he genuinely cared for me but has quite low self esteem and uber insecurities. that is, obsessed with pleasing others and at times when he is at 'rock bottom' (his excuse for every crappy thing he has ever done) will do pretty much anything to feel better. but anyhow - i would find his use of the 'l' word really devastating. it devalues his use of the word with you. turns everything upside down, like the ground is taken out from underneath you, and makes you wonder how he really feels. but at the end of the day, all of this is mess and counter mess. sounds like things are going to be messy for a while. regardless the challenge is to look at the overall relationship and issues you have to work out (which includes the trust issues) and figure out where to go through from there. reflecting on my relationship, i behaved pretty badly at times too. sometimes (not always) the best thing for two people is not to be together. my ex brought out the worst in me. but not always. i dunno, i guess you have to figure out what you want to do.
Author sandrawg Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 wtf. he told her he LOVED HER. that's crazy town. what was he thinking? Oh, but he tells me he's said 'I love you' and not meant it before. He claims he felt pressured to say something cuz she said "I love you", so he replied "I love you too." i asked (stupidly) whether my ex had emotionally engaged and he said for a few seconds. later he said that he had considered going out with her, but just as a 'slave girlfriend' that would not mean anything. like, that is supposed to be a good thing??? ie that he is comfortable treating women like they have no feelings and exist only to make him feel better? which made me realise that he is just trying, and failing, to tell me what i wanted to hear. Slave girlfriend? What on earth does that mean? Yeah, my guy has told me all along that this exgf is "crazy." Ultimately, he told me she's "not a threat" because she's mentally unstable, simple-minded, and smokes too much pot. Funny, i guess those qualities are perfectly ok in a sex buddy! I sure wouldn't sleep w/someone like that! And now you can see where we've been spinning in circles, w/me trying to figure out why on earth he would do these things and like you, coming across as the interrogater. Only, I come across as a world-class b***h who's levelling accusations and making him feel like an a**hole (hey, maybe he IS one, did he ever think of that.) He decided pretty immediately, I mean NEXT DAY almost, after hooking up w/her that he wanted to get back with me...I had grave reservations. I told him ok, but the condition was that he needed to put her out of his life. And if he wasn't prepared to do that, then we should move on. Well, he said he had NO problem doing this. I reiterated it multiple times. Always, he said no problem, she's a headcase, he didn't need her in his life. 3 weeks later, I find a text msg on his phone from her (accidentally, I wasn't snooping.) Lots of arguing about this and many excuses on his part why he hadn't told her the truth. He was too busy...hadn't gotten around to it...didn't know if things would work out btwn the 2 of us (!!!!) Upshot: he didn't tell her what happened until he was under duress and threat of me leaving him. I dunno if he wanted to keep her around as a backup, or he was just too chicken to be honest w/her. He wasn't fair to either one of us. Later, I found out he was dishonest about the hook-up. He had made it sound like it "just happened", this one time after "hanging out a few times." As I already mentioned in my original post, that was misleading to say the least. Talk about drama. Who needs this crap? I loved him, took him back and was willing to work things out. 2 months later...before he left to go out of town last week, I couldn't even look at him the same way, my feelings have been totally diluted, and I'm tired of talking to him. I really don't see how I can even think about moving forward. Lizzie is right-I need to dump him.
breakupunderachiever Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 whoa. no wonder he is making you crazy. not telling her that you two had gotten back together because he was not sure if you would work out is a major betrayal. committing to giving it another shot is a helluva step for you to have taken after what happened. putting yourself on the line, and then finding out that he was only half-in, and did not do you the courtesy of showing you the same respect and ending things with his ex (and yes, the reality is that if he had not told her, because he was not sure, the period of overlap there = he is 'with' you both. and that is weird and messed up) would be intolerable. i think it is understandable that you can't trust him. and no amount of questioning him is going to make that trust come back. i think you need to ask yourself, why are you still with him? is it fear of being on your own (cos that's understandable. it's not meant to be the reason we stick with someone, but the reality is that it is totally possible, and common, to be addicted to a person. why is there no relationship AA damnit!)? do you think you can make it, feel good about yourself, without him? i definitely found with my break up that going back to the point where i am responsible for giving myself reassurance, encouragement and no cuddles, and having to transition that intimacy back to friendships was HELLA HARD. but worth it in the long run. if the trade off for being with him is safety and stability, it's not worth it.
breakupunderachiever Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 also - what he said about his ex being simple minded etc. that is so lame, just what my ex did. they make us feel better by devaluing the other girl to us. if they can't show respect to another person they are having sex with, what does that say about their attitude to women in general. talk about no integrity whatsoever! if the other girl was so lame why did he keep sleeping with her? oh. hang on...i know the answer to this one...it was 'just sex'.... too much circular reasoning for me!
Author sandrawg Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 also - what he said about his ex being simple minded etc. that is so lame, just what my ex did. they make us feel better by devaluing the other girl to us. if they can't show respect to another person they are having sex with, what does that say about their attitude to women in general. talk about no integrity whatsoever! if the other girl was so lame why did he keep sleeping with her? oh. hang on...i know the answer to this one...it was 'just sex'.... too much circular reasoning for me! Thanks, hon, you raised a lot of really good points and have really helped me put this in perspective. It's sobering because this guy is not who I thought he was in the beginning. I thought he was so honest, at first. I haven't been hanging onto him cuz of fear of being alone or anything like that. We were broken up a month and a half, and I had no problem finding guys to date or anything. I'm fine with being alone. It was just that, before we got back together, I really thought he was a different person-I thought he had so many worthwhile qualities. Now I don't see him that way at all, due to all of these awful things that have happened since we got back together. I'd honestly rather be alone than trapped in these circular reasoning, torturous arguments we've been engaging in the last couple of months. And he can sit around and think about what he's lost. Although he probably won't-he'll probably just call the ex again, even though he supposedly deleted her number and contact info off his computer.
movingonandon Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Similar thing had happened to me - my girlfriend did not technically cheat on me (sexually anyway), but she broke up with me and no more than 1 or 2 weeks after she was out of the door, she got involved (all the way...) with this guy friend of her she was spending too much time to begin with long before she broke up with me. So, in relation to your case, i don't think it matters if it was done "while you have been broken up" - it's cheating anyway.
Author sandrawg Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Similar thing had happened to me - my girlfriend did not technically cheat on me (sexually anyway), but she broke up with me and no more than 1 or 2 weeks after she was out of the door, she got involved (all the way...) with this guy friend of her she was spending too much time to begin with long before she broke up with me. So, in relation to your case, i don't think it matters if it was done "while you have been broken up" - it's cheating anyway. Yeah, I still don't really see it that way, as cheating. I think it's shady but I can't quite define it as cheating. If it was just some random chick at a bar I might not mind so much. But like in your situation, it was someone I wasn't comfortable w/him contacting or hanging out with, and someone he kept getting mad at me for feeling insecure about. HOWEVER spending all that time w/an opposite-sex "friend" or "exgirlfriend" while you're still together could be defined by some people as emotional cheating. Because I had expressed to my bf my discomfort with him contacting his ex early on in our rel'ship (when she was sending him sexy pictures), and he promised he'd stop talking to her but eventually broke his promise, yes, THAT is emotional cheating, dishonest, selfish, and all the rest.
Author sandrawg Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Similar thing had happened to me - my girlfriend did not technically cheat on me (sexually anyway), but she broke up with me and no more than 1 or 2 weeks after she was out of the door, she got involved (all the way...) with this guy friend of her she was spending too much time to begin with long before she broke up with me. So, in relation to your case, i don't think it matters if it was done "while you have been broken up" - it's cheating anyway. BTW, did you stay with her? Or did you guys break up?
nopainnogain Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Yeah, I still don't really see it that way, as cheating. I think it's shady but I can't quite define it as cheating. If it was just some random chick at a bar I might not mind so much. . Now your trying to justify it. He cheated ,plain and simple. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. So his loss,not yours. Get him off the pedastal please
Author sandrawg Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Now your trying to justify it. He cheated ,plain and simple. He doesnt care about anyone but himself. So his loss,not yours. Get him off the pedastal please Dude, the last thing I'm doing is putting him on a pedestal. As soon as he gets back from out of town, I'm going to cut him loose. I'm just saying, I don't really consider him sleeping w/another girl when we're broken up, as cheating. What WAS cheating-emotional cheating-was him telling me "I have no problem talking" to his ex, then picking back up the communication w/her, before we broke up!
verve Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 I think there are different interpretations of cheating, I would say what happened with him having his ex around was emotional cheating as he was investing time in her. The sooner you cut ties the better. The sooner thats done the sooner you can begin healing and growing and moving forward.
Shygirl15 Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 ...then wanted to get back together. We've been back together for a couple of months but we're having a lot of problems, esp. since the girl he slept with was an EX who was after him the whole time we were together before, and because my bf has not been honest w/me about some things. Has this happened to you? Did you stay with your bf/gf? How did you get over the pain this caused? Yes, it has. In my case, I was the first GF, then he cheated with another girl, came back to me, went back to her, came back to me and so on.. I had to cut him loose. Not sure what I did to get over the pain, but I can tell you it took a while, maybe 2 years.
Author sandrawg Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 Yes, it has. In my case, I was the first GF, then he cheated with another girl, came back to me, went back to her, came back to me and so on.. . You mean, like a ping pong ball. Yeah, that really makes you feel special, huh. *rolling eyes*. I'm sorry you had to go through that crap.
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