hurt and at a loss

[mytruelove]

i really don't know what to do or go from here. i talked to my guy this morning and have been trying to open up more myself and focus the talk more on me because i have this fear that with the little time we have together and it feeling pressured that he really isn't getting to know the real me (which bothers me because i know how special i am and i really want him to see that!!!)

 

anyway, we've been needing some quality time together lately pretty bad. i just want to be able to share everything that is going on with me. he's been doing much better with the phone conversations, but i need the real deal.

 

he tells me how he doesn't know when he'll have time with the kids starting school and sports and such - schedules changing from summer

i told him i was just about ready to give up. he told me when he has time he will call me - repeated it as if to reassure me.

 

then he starts talking about the g/f and things done on the weekend. i was like " do you really think i need to hear this?" he said sorry.

 

i'm all frustrated, hurt, and angry, all as can be. i tried not to let on, but i know it will end up turning into a serious conversation, one in which i am going to have to take a break from him, unless things change. i don't think either one of us want to face that conversation that is why it is avoided.

 

in avoiding it, i'm at a loss, i feel like i just don't know where to go or what to do from here. i really don't want to lose him. i really don't want to lose the friendship, but the just friendship hurts too much for me.

 

and we won't even discuss the part where i think i gave too much too soon and the regrets that i have....grrr...or the part that feels like maybe i was a fool or used. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THIS!!! or the part of me that just wants to completely shut down from everyone and everything in the world and go back to being completely cold and feelingless and completey closed off.

 

he's a big part of my life and does a lot for me. i still need him in my life- just don't know how to handle it.

 

and the problem that i had that i mentioned only he can fix - still waits. i feel like if i keep asking i'll seem needy or i'm just making an excuse to see him.

 

i'm at a loss. any help here?

[jj33]

You sound like you are in a lot of pain. This man is not even meeting you half way. And he isnt giving you what you need or want. And you are left waiting. That is not a nice place to be. You have been waiting for over 10 years. You dont need to show him how special you are. He knows that. If knowing you and being around you all these years isnt enough for him to make the choice to be with you then its just proof he isnt the guy for you. If he was merely talking to you on the phone would never be enough. This is a girlfriend not a marriage. Dont let him string you along as he is.

 

I dont want to burst your bubble but what exactly is it that you are holding out for? He doesnt seem to be promising anything or offering anything except more waiting and pain. You say that he and the gf will break up eventually but why are you putting yourself in the position of second string. You can only throw in the towel emotionally when you are ready to do so, but it seems from your posts like that time has come.

 

The best thing you can do is try to detach. Its isnt easy. Believe me I know. But you can. All the things you want to say to him unfortunately he doesnt want to hear them. In most cases the answers are never enough. The person you need the answers from is you. How can you move forward.

 

As for this thing that only he can do. Are you POSITIVE only he can do it? Its a big country surely someone else must be able to do what he can do.

 

If it is something very personal for example a job reference or something like that then ask ask ask. Tell him you need it immediately. Ask in a calm tone of voice. Call asking specifically about that. Not to discuss the relationship. I am calling about x. Its now become urgent and I need you to do it this week. Whatever it is that you absolutely must get from him, you get and you take steps to close the chapter.

 

Noone deserves to be sitting and waiting like that. Especially not after all the years you have known each other. You are not someone's back up girl. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates how wonderful you are and chooses you as his number one.

 

I understand you were friends for many years. Maybe you can get that back in time but for now you need to get yourself out of this painful situation.

[mytruelove]

yes, it is an emotionally painful situation i am in and i've been in it for a while and i am trying to get myself out of it. i feel like soo much of it is out of my control though. i'm really working on it...not just with him, but with many aspects of my life.

 

with him, i feel like i could take three different paths. 1) is to cut it off completely. 2) try only contact when needed (hard to stick to because i could find a million reasons 3) keep trying to push forward with him. as in, what i am trying now which is opening up more MYSELF and doing more so that he can feel more of a connection with me.

 

i'm really confused as to what exactly i want to do right now. my gut tells me to try the opening up more path (sure beats closing myself off again and not allowing myself to be vulnerable again) even and when i feel like i have done this enough then my only other option will be to cut contact knowing i tried and he has a really really good idea who i am and what he is giving up.

 

in the past pushing forward and me giving more has prompted the same from him and it has served us well.

 

yes jj33, i am just about emotionally ready to throw in the towel. i told him this morning that i was "about ready to give up". so, we'll see how he reacts to that.

 

??? before i would break it off with him there is so much i want to say. i feel like writing it all out in an email, but i really feel like it is something that should be done face to face. i just want him to know everything about how i feel before leaving it with him. i've wrote him emails like this in the past and they have been well recieved. i've done the email thing because it was a way that i knew i could get everything out and expressed without interuption. do you think i should take the email route again or face to face?

[jj33]

If you feel you need closure because of the friendship that you have had, then seeing him in person (if he can find the time) is not a bad idea.

 

But I would strongly urge you NOT to do this as a plea for him to "see the real you" and "see how great you are". You are great. If he doesnt see it, its his loss. Much as we would like to sometimes, we cant make other people see us in the light we want them to. Either they do or they dont. Its very painful, but trying to win him over with yet more attention is not working. And it wont work. It comes across as desparate doormat behaviour. And that is not what you are trying to convey.

 

The best thing that you can do for yourself is to cut it off. If he comes around in time and HE PURSUES YOU when he is single and available. Then you may want to consider being with him, if you are not already in a relationship with a great guy who realizes how fabulous you are without being coached. Or you may not. You may look at it and and say his loss. I dont want to be with a man who took so many years to realize how great I am.

 

There could be a million reasons why he isnt hasnt broken up with his girlfriend so he can be with you in an honest and open relationship. But the fact is, right now, he is not pursuing you. You are pursuing him. He is with someone else. Without imposing a judgement, you need to think to yourself, do I want to be pursuing someone else's boyfriend? Even if he eventually left her to be with you, would you really feel good about having to press him for his attention. And that rarely ever works. You would in all likelihood be setting yourself up for more heartbreak.

 

All of the success stories on here involve men who were clear about being in love with the OW and did something about it sooner or later but they werent so far as I know making them sit and wait for extended periods of time. It hurts to think you might not be one of those success stories but for right now, he is not showing the right signs. If you break away you win either way. You get stronger in yourself and move on regardless of whether he catches up with you.

[mytruelove]

the point you make about pursuing is really great and well put. thank you. i'll reply more later, but work calls. just wanted to say thanks for stating it so well and making me think.

 

thank you!!!

[torranceshipman]

You've waited 10 yrs for him? He has no wife? I don't understand what this wait has been for -he has no reason to stay with his G if he loves you - he has no hurdles to overcome. He's just selfish and wants both of you. This waiting seems to have wasted so much of your time when you could have been in a full time R with a single guy! You could be happily married with kids by now! That's so unfair to you and you're worth more than being someones 2nd choice!

 

I agree with other posters - he knows how wonderful you are - you shouldnt have to 'prove' anything to him or persuade him to spend more time with you - the simple fact is, he strings you along because you let him. He doesn't love you or his G enough to be honest or respectful to either of you...he also knows what tremendous pain you are in, but doesn't really care as he is getting 2 women to fulfil his needs.

 

You really need to leave this guy - this is never going to get any better and he'll never leave his G for you. The only hope you have of that is to leave him immediately, give him a real big shock by doing so, and to say you have no interest in being with him again unless he is single and persuades YOU to take HIM back. No discussion...no second chances...walk away! And I've worked with a guy after a bad break up and to be fair, I thought it'd be really difficult but it was pretty easy once I'd made my mind up (I think it can even twist the knife a bit-a reminder to them that you're over them enough to be professional with them at work, then be uncontactable to them outside of it!)

 

Good luck! PLEASE dont waste more time on this idiot.

[astra77]

You've waited 10 yrs for him? He has no wife? I don't understand what this wait has been for -he has no reason to stay with his G if he loves you - he has no hurdles to overcome. He's just selfish and wants both of you. This waiting seems to have wasted so much of your time when you could have been in a full time R with a single guy! You could be happily married with kids by now! That's so unfair to you and you're worth more than being someones 2nd choice!

 

I agree with other posters - he knows how wonderful you are - you shouldnt have to 'prove' anything to him or persuade him to spend more time with you - the simple fact is, he strings you along because you let him. He doesn't love you or his G enough to be honest or respectful to either of you...he also knows what tremendous pain you are in, but doesn't really care as he is getting 2 women to fulfil his needs.

 

You really need to leave this guy - this is never going to get any better and he'll never leave his G for you. The only hope you have of that is to leave him immediately, give him a real big shock by doing so, and to say you have no interest in being with him again unless he is single and persuades YOU to take HIM back. No discussion...no second chances...walk away! And I've worked with a guy after a bad break up and to be fair, I thought it'd be really difficult but it was pretty easy once I'd made my mind up (I think it can even twist the knife a bit-a reminder to them that you're over them enough to be professional with them at work, then be uncontactable to them outside of it!)

 

Good luck! PLEASE dont waste more time on this idiot.

 

 

Perfect advice T !! This is fantastic, i love it.

 

MTL (mytuelove) Read this post three times, then read it another three times.

[blueberry]

 

then he starts talking about the g/f and things done on the weekend. i was like " do you really think i need to hear this?" he said sorry.

 

 

 

Wow - pretty much the same situ as me. You sound really hurt. I know you don't want to think of this guy as a "playa" but methinks thats exactly what hes doing.

 

Try and do what I'm doing - I listen very little to the words tumbling out of his mouth. Instead - focus on his *actions*.

 

Sounds as though you don't have much confidence. Either that or he has made you feel on your backfoot for a while now, as he holds all the cards.

 

Easier said that done but you've got to "get a life". That is, be BUSY when he wants to see you / talk to you. Turn it around. Before anyone jumps on me, its not about game playing, its about re-addressing the balance. Coz right now, its tipped in his favour.

[mytruelove]

such great advice from all of you.

 

let me clarify something though - i have been married for 5 years and with my stbx 4 years before that, soo - he has not been stringing me along all these years - really he hasn't. it has been a matter of bad timing up until now. he was married, was in another relationship, had two kids, and i was involved with someone else also. so we have never both been truly "available" together.

 

now that i am following through with things on my end and taking the steps to get out of the bad marriage i was in - i feel it is time for him to do the same and him being with me and NOT doing that is what is causing me pain.

 

knowing him and the things that have occured between us, i don't think that he is just being a player with me because i can't imagine that he would put this much effort into it and everything with him feels genuine.

 

i am just at a loss. i just don't know where to go from here or how to act.

 

it is the OMG did i give too much too soon? did i make a huge mistake? was i just being used? the feeling that he really doesn't know me as a real person or might not respect me anymore. the not knowing exactly how he feels now that is driving me crazy.

 

i think i will give the not pursuing him and letting him pursue me more a try- not saying i won't call or see him. i just fear soo much in doing that i will lose him, but i guess at this point there is nothing left to lose right?

 

i just feel like there is an elephant in the room between us that we are not talking about - kwim? and i'm really scared to address that elephant.

[mytruelove]

i do feel like i have lost some confidence in this relationship and that is really hard to deal with because i have NEVER NOT been confident in this relationship (part of what i have loved the most about it) and now it's taken a blow.

 

so i don't know how to react to that or feel good about it. any suggestions on that one?

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

MTL I am in a similar situation, as yours. I have been friends with someone for 4 years. he has a g/f and keeps me on a "string 'just in case". My worst fear is that he is going to end up marrying her and I do not want to end up in worse pain over this than I am already.

 

These people have given you good advice. If this guy wanted to be with you he would, but you are making it FAR too easy for him. I am guilty of the same thing.

I am in the process of ending this crazy relationship and moving on with my life.

 

My advice to you is to start living life on your terms, and as if you know he is not going to be in your future. Actions speak louder than words. They truly do.

[blueberry]

Hey True Love,

 

Sorry - didn't mean to casually flip you off with the whole "he's a playa" spiel. I think you know what I was getting at though - and that is, he really has you in a situation where he is in the drivers seat. Its no wonder you have no confidence if this is how its been played out in your relationship.

 

And really - i'm in the same leaky boat. It just hasn't gone on for as long as yours has.

 

When I say "get a life" (GAL) - just be a weentsy bit more pre-occupied with things that YOU gotta do. No need to be cold towards him or anything, just subtly show him you have other things to do and places to be. And smile.

 

He needs a lesson in you not being at his beck and call. You can do whatever it is you need to do in this life without him. And men being the hunters they are - well, they dont like that one little bit.

 

Good.

 

Fake it till you make it. and smile all the while.

[mytruelove]

it is nice to meet you - someone in the same situation as me. hopefully we can help each othe with this.

 

i think it's becoming clearer what i must do. i must just honestly lay out my feelings with him and make sure they are really really clear (as i have done in the past). i have not let fear stop me in the past from telling him how i feel and it should be no different now.

 

goes back to the confidence thing. somewhere along the line i lost some confidence and it is time for me to regain it. i think i can do this by telling him how i feel.

 

so, it is just a matter of how and when i do this. that is what i have to figure out. i definitely want to do it right and not mess it up.

 

i'm not much for patience anymore and if i wait for the right time i could wait forever.

[A CHICK WITH TEETH]

Here's the thing about telling him how you feel or what you want....you can't attach an outcome to it, because if you do then that is when your confidence fails.You ahve to know that you are being true to YOU. He is secondary. HE is the one in a relationship.HE is the one who needs to make the decision. YOU have nothing to lose by laying it out there.

 

I hope things go well for you...

[wildsoul]

I want to touch on the option of you opening your heart and giving more as a solution. That's part of my spiritual practice and I understand. I also know how when we do that, often times the man will open up more in response. I think within the bounds of a committed R, that's hot. However, in your situation, I think it needs a good tweak (if not being dropped as a strategy altogether. Here's a few reasons why:

1. It puts the responsibility for how much love is between you two on YOU. But you see, your love isn't the problem here at all! It's him. He is not meeting your love equally. So you giving more, in an already off-balance relationship, might get him to give a 'lil more, but the balance isn't fixed.
   
2. Let's say it doesn't work. You give more, and he gives a drop or none. Then, how are you gonna' feel? Used. Depleted. Ugh.
   
3. Let's say it works temporarily to garner more good feelings. You go up the escalator of love. Nice pink bubble. But he doesn't leave the GF. Now, you'll still have to face this same decision, but wowza! that's a long way to fall, only to end up at this same place.
   

Alternatively, you can still stretch into your biggest open hearted self by:

1. Loving your self! Love yourself enough to take a stand for having more love.
   
2. Break up with him nicely. There are ways to be open hearted while breaking up.
   
3. Altruistically, love her too. Why not? Love the world.
   

What I'm saying is that guy isn't the source of your love. He's not even really filling your cup. You've got so much love to give! And if you're in a R where you're really getting that back, wow girl--your life will be rich!

[mytruelove]

"When I say "get a life" (GAL) - just be a weentsy bit more pre-occupied with things that YOU gotta do. No need to be cold towards him or anything, just subtly show him you have other things to do and places to be. And smile. "

 

very well said blue. thank you! i am doing just that tonight. i have something else to do and the other day i had something else to do too - it obviously had an affect on him because that night he called and waited for me to get done with what i was doing cause he wanted to see me.

 

when i told him that i was about to give up he tried to explain all his obligations and made a point of telling me that he would call me when he has time.

 

i know i lose my balance if i don't continue to live my life and do the things i enjoy. if something else comes up with my friends or family i make a point to do it always. i never turn something down for him.

 

a chick, yeah, believe me i've learned the hard hard lesson and still learning that i can't control outcomes. big thing for a control freak like me soo hard, but i know now that i can't control or even KNOW.

 

...that is the thing about this relationship i have NEVER wanted to pressure him or give him an ultimatum because i really have wanted him to come to his own decisions in his own time. he has been very patient with me and i feel i owe him that. it's just very hard.

[blueberry]

Wildsoul - I love your tagline.

[blueberry]

". i have NEVER wanted to pressure him or give him an ultimatum because i really have wanted him to come to his own decisions in his own time. he has been very patient with me and i feel i owe him that. it's just very hard.

 

 

you've also been very patient with him. i guess the question has to be; how long to be patient for?

[mytruelove]

ws, sorry i didn't respond sooner to your last post on here - it was really good. i definitely see your point and i plan on addressing this exact issue with him when the time is right. i'm just struggling with how and when.

 

also, everytime i feel ready to say something, i don't want to rock the boat. it doesn't seem like something i can discuss over the phone or in email. i feel i need to do it face to face when we can be together with no pressure or time constraints-just us. if you knew this guy, you have to get him when the time is right -kwim? i'm pretty sensitive to his moods and if i don't feel like i can approach something i don't.

 

also, part of me says he really isn't doing anything wrong or different. when i called him on the issue of not taking or returning calls - he started making a real effort to change that. a big part of it is me. i think i am overreacting sometimes with nothing to react to-pushing him away. if anything he has actually been more attentive barring us not having time together lately.

 

so, i think i might just give it some time with not asking to see him and make him do EXACTLY what he has said he would do - call me when he has time.

 

but, i know that the pink elephant has to be kicked out of my living room pretty soon. i can't care for it anymore -kwim?

 

i really think he knows what is coming when we do talk so he is trying to avoid it.

 

right now, i've changed the dynamics somewhat just be letting things be more about me and less about him.

 

he has asked me what exactly i want- i'm still trying to figure out how to respond to that.

 

i'm going to try writing it all down and then once i have all my thoughts together- i can relay them to him. i have every confidence i will face my fears - just a matter of when and how

 

and yes blue, there is a very fine line between not waiting long enough and waiting too long isn't there?

[honour and trust]

Hello once again, MTL! Okay, well I feel an intense connection to your post because I think i'm 2 steps ahead of where you are. As you are aware, I'm damn near in the same situation. So lets just say that this guy breaks up with his girlfriend. What will you do if he decides that he doesn't want to be involved with you like that? What about if he says he needs time to himself? Well, that's what my significant did (I can't say I was disappointed) but now I don't battle with gf issues, its all about him and his feelings. Which is worse!! Atleast before I could blame everything on him having a gf! So for your sake, I'd say reach from within and occupy yourself and love yourself immensely and you won't care whether he's with or without the gf. If he wants you, he'll make a way. Us females shouldn't have to fight for something we rightfully deserve. So all this convincing and persuading is not doing you any good, eventually what you talked him into, he'll forget.

 

I've gotten to the point where I know what I deserve and I know what I want. You either jump on the yacht that I've provided for you or go back to the canoe that you were once riding in. Also-the whole actions speak louder than words, I don't truly believe it. I get plenty of action but still i don't have the man I love. I once read that once you put your heart and motivations in order then everything in life will fall into place. I think that the more we stay and fight the good fight for these guys the less likely they are to give us what we want. They don't think we'll ever go away! We are completely spoiling them and telling them that this type of behavior is acceptable and its most definitly not!! So be strong honey and go get him!! Whatever you end up doing...you have us on LS to lean on.

Just FYI- I haven't ditched my significant but he gets far less time and consideration that he once recieved. I'm quite proud of myself, he now works for me instead of me working for him. I still love him and hope that we can work something out but it might too late. Either way I'll be happy with or without him.

[aloneatnights]

I want to touch on the option of you opening your heart and giving more as a solution. That's part of my spiritual practice and I understand. I also know how when we do that, often times the man will open up more in response. I think within the bounds of a committed R, that's hot. However, in your situation, I think it needs a good tweak (if not being dropped as a strategy altogether. Here's a few reasons why:

1. It puts the responsibility for how much love is between you two on YOU. But you see, your love isn't the problem here at all! It's him. He is not meeting your love equally. So you giving more, in an already off-balance relationship, might get him to give a 'lil more, but the balance isn't fixed.
   
2. Let's say it doesn't work. You give more, and he gives a drop or none. Then, how are you gonna' feel? Used. Depleted. Ugh.
   
3. Let's say it works temporarily to garner more good feelings. You go up the escalator of love. Nice pink bubble. But he doesn't leave the GF. Now, you'll still have to face this same decision, but wowza! that's a long way to fall, only to end up at this same place.
   

Alternatively, you can still stretch into your biggest open hearted self by:

1. Loving your self! Love yourself enough to take a stand for having more love.
   
2. Break up with him nicely. There are ways to be open hearted while breaking up.
   
3. Altruistically, love her too. Why not? Love the world.
   

What I'm saying is that guy isn't the source of your love. He's not even really filling your cup. You've got so much love to give! And if you're in a R where you're really getting that back, wow girl--your life will be rich!

 

 

i wish i'd seen this last year, would have saved me an awful lot of heartache, i couldnt hanve put it any better. but i'm through the woods now

[mytruelove]

honour and trust - wow, i REALLY needed to hear your words this morning. you have no idea!!! i'm having a really bad morning for different reasons and i really needed the words of hope and strength.

 

"If he wants you, he'll make a way. Us females shouldn't have to fight for something we rightfully deserve." -AMEN!!! and i do deserve him after all that i/we have been through and all i have done for him....and all that i am to him whether he realizes it or not.

 

he emailed this morning and part of me wants to just walk away and not respond. i feel like it would be a great time to start that, but...it's not my nature not to respond though, so i'll probably just respond with something simple. i'm holding so much in that he is in for a big surprise when i decide to let it go. i don't think he has a clue what i am feeling because i have pretended that it is fine. i've put on a tough front. i'm past the denial stage and into the anger phase.

 

armour back on -ready for battle - when i am strong enough... right now i just feel like retreating and not being around anyone or speaking to anyone for a while.

 

and YES, i'll go get him THANKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

you seem very strong. i want to know your secret. let me know how things are with you okay.

[manugeorge]

Wait a minute OP, why is this guy not getting out of his relationship again? I understand he's not married, he just has a girlfriend right? Does he love her? What reason has he given for not leaving that relationship?

[mytruelove]

i have not pressed him to leave nor really asked his reasons for not leaving outright, but lots of reasons

 

1) fear

2) trust issues

3) she lives with him - there are kids involved- not together, but each of them has kids -they were together when i expressed to him how i felt.

4) not wanting to be alone

5) waiting and wanting me to leave my marriage first

6) fear of being hurt by me -he's scared to death

7) fear of commitment

 

these are the ones i can name offhand. i understand a lot of these issues because i have them myself, but i am trying desperately to push myself through them while also trying to reassure him. we've made progress, just not enough yet.

[wildsoul]

Somehow I didn't catch that he lives with her (and they both have kids living with them.) I thought it was just a girlfriend he was dating. To me, a living together situation is the same as a marriage. (I don't buy into the religious opinion that it doesn't count.) With kids living together as defacto siblings, it's more like a marriage too.

 

Considering that he hasn't said he wants to end his current situation, and also the facts that it's a complicated one, it really does seem that you need to let go. Ouchies. But this seems like a futile situation.