fiance's reaction to ex

[lexi29]

And you are going to marry this guy why?

 

He dumped you for another woman whom he introduced to you as a friend and now he has NO regard for how it makes you feel to be around this woman and you think he is someone still worth marrying? Are you insane woman?

 

I hate to break it to you but that self absorbed inclination he has to be self centered and self serrvient will only get worse with time.

 

I never wish people good luck since I don't believe luck magically happens, I believe we MAKE our luck, but you will sincerely need luck in every magical sense.

 

Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but really this guy is showing you this early on he doesn't really care all that much how his actions make you feel and you are allowing him to do so.

 

I'm not sure why you think he has no regard for my feelings? He didn't THINK it would bother me because it didn't bother him. She is a nothing to him so he has no reaction to her being there. He assumed it was the same for me. When I told him that her being there he suggested we sit elsewhere. He didn't tell me too bad get over it we are sitting by her. He took my feelings into consideration once I let them be known and made sure I wasn't uncomfortable.

 

I want to marry him because of the happiness he and his son bring to my life (when I'm not posting about problems here) When things are good they are REALLY good. I'm having a lot of anxiety about the situation and possibly creating my own drama because I'm afraid to lose them and yet I'm not sure I'm ready to get married.

[Nevermind]

I don't consider it harrasment to ask someone "where do you know her from?" I asked him that question about every GUY he stopped and talked to as well. If he hadn't answered the question curtly and then yelled at me "drop it!" after I just asked one question, the same question I asked about every male he encountered then I wouldn't have said another word because at the time I knew she was his friend's ex and knew her backstory so I had no interest in hearing anything else. I have heard stories about her for the last 3 years and never once asked my fiance if he slept with her or anything like that. Never crossed my mind until he suddenly flipped out and didnt' want to say another word on the subject. His son was standing right there and yelled at his dad- "why are you yelling at Lexi?" his son was suprised too. When someone clams up like that it normally means they are hiding something.

You asked him about every person he met? Wow. Controlling, much?

You have been doubting, analysing, critizising, disbeliefing (etc) every word your fiance uttered in the last weeks. He reacted towards your behaviour in general, not only that day. Not saying that it's okay to yell, it isn't. But maybe look at your own behaviour and own it, too. Also: how considerate of you to ask him if he had been sleeping around in front of his son.

 

Compare:

• You specificially describe the ex as a fat whale when no description was necessary. Yes this was cruel and unecessary but I have a lot of anger toward this woman not so much that she "took" my boyfriend away but that she pretended to be my friend (and I dont' have a lot of female friends) and was a backstabber
  

with:

the last time I spoke to her it was an angry conversation (she thought I was responsible for my fiance leaving her after 2 weeks- nope she was responsible for that as was he) and I was angry that she was blaming me for everything so I let her have it. Not a pleasant conversation.

Am I missing something? When and how did she backstab you?

 

I shouldn't have been questioning him but he should have paid attention to me as he normally does and not have made me feel insecure all week because he was acting like he didnt' want to be with me.

I get that you are insecure. I get that your boyfriend's actions are not helping much. I get that you two are about to do a mistake. However, your threads from the last days were mostly about manifactured problems that had their origin in your head, not in reality.

 

Please, seek therapy.

 

I want to marry him because of the happiness he and his son bring to my life (when I'm not posting about problems here)

 

You post on here nearly once a week...

[Walk]

But obviously as you pointed out I am not over what happened in the past but my fiance is.

But it was a HUGE traumatic experience for me and I don't think i've recovered.

It would be a huge traumatic experience for me too. I wouldn't be cool with his ex sitting with my partners family either. It's okay to feel that way.

 

She doesn't even know his family (other than his brother and SIL now.)She didn't even meet them when they were dating those two weeks. She met his parents one time.

I think it's fishy too. Seems pre-planned, and frankly the girl seems to have numerous screws loose.

 

However, i don't think an ex's neurotic behavior should interfer with your relationship with your fiance. You can't control the ex's behavior. You can control your own though. Take the high road... which I think is what his family was attempting to do.

 

 

I didn't expect then to shun her. It was just odd that they would think nothing of her sitting there because of her past with my fiance.

 

I just don't want to ever be around her again. thats all.

My parents wouldn't tell an ex of mine to move seats because he's an ex. Its not that they would be completely cool with it, just that they consider it bad form to so blatantly move locations away from that person. We kind of have a code that you take the high road.. be polite and civil to all people regardless of past actions. Doesn't mean they like all my ex's. But they'd never be rude, or speak their true feelings, in my ex's presence.

 

I don't consider it harrasment to ask someone "where do you know her from?" I asked him that question about every GUY he stopped and talked to as well. If he hadn't answered the question curtly and then yelled at me "drop it!" after I just asked one question, the same question I asked about every male he encountered then I wouldn't have said another word because at the time I knew she was his friend's ex and knew her backstory so I had no interest in hearing anything else. I have heard stories about her for the last 3 years and never once asked my fiance if he slept with her or anything like that. Never crossed my mind until he suddenly flipped out and didnt' want to say another word on the subject. His son was standing right there and yelled at his dad- "why are you yelling at Lexi?" his son was suprised too. When someone clams up like that it normally means they are hiding something.

I wasn't suspicious just curious where he knew her from so I asked. He said he knew her from this haunted trail he used to work on (before we got together) and again (yes, I probably should have dropped it ...Well instead at that moment he just repeated what he'd said (met her at haunted trail) and yelled at me to "STOP IT I don't want to hear it".

So you only asked him once, and he immediately yelled "Stop it, I don't want to hear it"? It sounded like you asked him a couple times. Just asking for clarification.

 

Nope, this would be the case if he was acting cool AFTER all this happened. He was acting this way for DAYS before these events took place. So I was already feeling insecure or like something was wrong and this is what led to me asking him questions. We didn't run into his ex until the VERY Last day and the other girl was the night before. So he was already not paying attention to me and not being affectionate. I agree that this events annoyed him but he was acting strange before all of this.

I'm having a hard time following you because in one post you stated he'd been lovey dovey for days prior to this and then out of the blue that day he acted cool and distant. And in this post you state he was distant and cool for days before these events took place.

 

Listen, if he's been cool toward you for days prior then being insecure is relatively normal. BUT you have to TALK to your fiance about how you're feeling and give him the opportunity to discuss his issues with you.

 

Either way... you really need to talk to your fiance more. Seems like you two are off on completely seperate paths hoping the other hears a cry across miles of forest.

• You questioned him several times about where he knew her from. Bad idea- my fault, I just wanted to understand, the pieces weren't fitting.
  
• He answered several times, and you still felt he was lying. No, I didnt' think he was lying to me at all, he only answered once before he flipped out, that is what set off my questions.
  
• You assume he had sex with this other woman. In my experiences (not just with my fiance) when someone gets angry and doesnt' want to talk about a person it usually means they are hiding something. My fiance asks me all the time about other guys and I have no problem calmly telling him the truth.
  
• You assume his anger over being accused of having sex with another woman is because he had sex with her. No, i really didn't think he slept with her (he'd have to be a pedophile to do so because the only time she wasn't with her ex, she would have been about 13 and my fiance would have been 26. )
  
• You feel its his fault that you two got in a fight that day. :mad:No it was both of our faults, I shouldn't have been questioning him but he should have paid attention to me as he normally does and not have made me feel insecure all week because he was acting like he didnt' want to be with me.
  

 

I'm more confused reading your response then I was before... but regardless. You two need to communicate better. Can't stress that enough. You two are not talking the same language. You might be speaking, and he might be speaking... but you two don't speak the same langauge. Work on that and 80% of your problems will disappear.

[lexi29]

Thanks for your response.

You asked him about every person he met? Wow. Controlling, much?

 

He would introduce me to every person (except the girl who was his coworker's ex) and after he talked to them and I said hi and we'd walk away I'd just ask who that was and where he knew them from. Just trying to keep names and faces straight thats all. How is that controlling to show an interest in people he knows. It would have been rude of me to ignore them or something. Not sure how that is controlling. I wasn't asking for their life history. Just "oh where do you know Bob from?" type thing.

 

You have been doubting, analysing, critizising, disbeliefing (etc) every word your fiance uttered in the last weeks. He reacted towards your behaviour in general, not only that day. Not saying that it's okay to yell, it isn't. But maybe look at your own behaviour and own it, too. Also: how considerate of you to ask him if he had been sleeping around in front of his son.

You are right that I've been doubting and analzyzing and disbelieving everything lately. I'll own that. I'm trying to stop. but I did NOT ask him if he slept with anyone in front of his son. This was later that this happened.

 

 

Compare: with:Am I missing something? When and how did she backstab you?

 

 

It is a long story- but the shorter version is this woman was his ex from years ago (they dated when he was 14 I believe) they had not seen eachother in about 12 years. Somehow she contacted him and he wanted to meet her and he told me he wanted to introduce me and his son to her (this was LAST year at this same fair we attended this year) We met her and she was friendly with both of us and would not hang out with him without me around (she told me that in her relationships she always wanted someone of the opposite sex to befriend the entire couple not just the ex) and she and I became friends. More her doing than mine (meaning she was the one who always called me) This went on for two months and she would call me with her problems and I confided a little about my relationship (good things). She was dating guys on and off but kept getting dumped.

 

My fiance (boyfriend at the time) seemed happy that the two of us were friends and he liked talking to her as well. I had no idea she was a threat to my relationship. Everything seemed to be perfectly fine (we were having sex all the time, he was always asking me to spend more time with him and his son, he was asking me to take on more responsibilities regarding his son etc). this girl and I were friends and I genuinely liked her and thought she was a nice person. She started to call my fiance all the time (while still pretending to be my friend) and talked to him about the past when they dated. Not saying it was all her fault, defintately was not- he got caught up in memory lane too and that is ALL on him but basically she was setting me up for a fall. She started telling him that I'd confided in her that I'd cheated on him (not true!!) and he started asking me questions about my fidelity (and I had no idea where they were coming from) and we'd fight.

 

I still have no idea why he left me for her other than he was caught in a fantasy world because he was thinking about what it was like to date her when they were 14 or so and evidently something was missing between us. He didn't tell me he left me for her and when I found out by accident - after I'd slept with him and he was dating her- she was furious at ME. How dare I ruin her three day old relationship with HIM. She knew all about how his son's mother abandoned him and how I cared about him and he loved me and she didn't let that stop her (and neither did my boyfriend at the time) and when I wanted to continue a relationship with his son (very limited contact but some contact at the least) she was furious and would call me and just act disbelieving that I just wouldn't go away quietly and let her have my boyfriend. I mean I didn't contact him at all once I found out he was with her, and I told him and her both that I didn't want him back. Yet she continued to harrass me after he cheated on her and when he broke up with her shortly afterward, she called me and blamed that on me too.

She was a backstabber, because she PRETENDED to be my friend and then willingly dated my boyfriend (her plan all along) Not saying that he isn't to blame as well but if she wanted to go after him she could have left me out of it. And if she wanted to be my friend, friends don't date each other's exes.

 

I get that you are insecure. I get that your boyfriend's actions are not helping much. I get that you two are about to do a mistake. However, your threads from the last days were mostly about manifactured problems that had their origin in your head, not in reality.

 

and that is why I post!! I want to know if these are actual problems or fi this is something I am creating unecessary drama about because of my insecurities.

 

Please, seek therapy.

 

We have been in pre maritial counseling and seriously the therapist acts like I should be thrilled my fiance wants to marry me. We are going to have counseling with our minister this Saturday though.

 

 

 

You post on here nearly once a week...

[lexi29]

It would be a huge traumatic experience for me too. I wouldn't be cool with his ex sitting with my partners family either. It's okay to feel that way.

 

Thank you, sometimes I'm not sure if my feelings are normal.

I think it's fishy too. Seems pre-planned, and frankly the girl seems to have numerous screws loose.

 

However, i don't think an ex's neurotic behavior should interfer with your relationship with your fiance. You can't control the ex's behavior. You can control your own though. Take the high road... which I think is what his family was attempting to do.

 

 

 

My parents wouldn't tell an ex of mine to move seats because he's an ex. Its not that they would be completely cool with it, just that they consider it bad form to so blatantly move locations away from that person. We kind of have a code that you take the high road.. be polite and civil to all people regardless of past actions. Doesn't mean they like all my ex's. But they'd never be rude, or speak their true feelings, in my ex's presence.

 

 

 

I really wasn't expecting anyone to tell her to move-that would be rude. But no one seemed phased that she sat there. It was as if no one thought it would be awkward for my fiance or myself. (His son didn't even remember her)

So you only asked him once, and he immediately yelled "Stop it, I don't want to hear it"? It sounded like you asked him a couple times. Just asking for clarification.

 

I asked him once and he said something and I didnt' really hear it right so I asked again and he repeated what he'd said, and I repeated that "you met her at the haunted trail you worked on" and I added didn't you work on that about five years ago (before we started dating) and thats when he yelled at me.

 

I'm having a hard time following you because in one post you stated he'd been lovey dovey for days prior to this and then out of the blue that day he acted cool and distant. And in this post you state he was distant and cool for days before these events took place.

 

Sorry, the few weeks before this week i've described he was all lovey dovey and sweet and then it started on Saturday- he didn't want to have sex which is reallly unusual and I have the bad habit of judging a relationship on how often/good the sex is (as in if we are having sex often then things are ok) and so that started the insecurities coupled by the fact that he'd recently told me he wasn't going to go on vacation with me and my family as we've planned for months and it was out of the blue. And then we went to this fair on wed, thurs, friday and sat, and he was cool to me mostly all that time. it was like once we got to this fair he wouldn't kiss me or hold my hand or hug me (unless I initiated it first) and after hte very first day of him doing that I did communicate with him and ask if everything was ok (he assured me it was) and told him I needed him to be more affectionate. He didn't follow through the whole week (even though I asked several times) and though he'd return my affection if I hugged or kissed him, it just seemed he wasn't into it.

 

When we got our marriage license (on friday) he was all excited about getting it but never kissed me or told me he loved me the entire day till the evening when I finally kissed him. Thats the main reason I didn't want to sit near his ex. I didn't want her to see him ignoring me. I was afraid we'd sit up there and he wouldn't hold my hand or look interested in me and she'd be laughing. The two problems (night he blew up about me asking about that girl and his ex showing up and sitting with his family) were the last two nights we were there. things weren't good before those two nights either. We didn't fight but the whole time I had this nagging feeling something wasn't right because he's always affectionate with me and he just wasn't the entire time we were at that fair. I'm not asking for major displays of PDA but holding my hand once in awhile when we walk around is nice (and he's done it every other year) and he got upset with me because I saw one of my aunt's friends (lady in her 60's) and introduced my fiance just by his name instead of saying "this is my fiance".

 

He was cool toward me practically the entire time and kept saying nothing was wrong. I just couldn't understand his behavior and it was making me insecure. I did talk to him and he just didn't do anything to alleviate my fears (which made me even more convinced something was wrong) but the day we got home from that fair we had great sex and he spent all day doing stuff for the wedding. So while I was convinced he was going to leave me (because of his off behavior) he jumped right back into getting things done.

 

Listen, if he's been cool toward you for days prior then being insecure is relatively normal. BUT you have to TALK to your fiance about how you're feeling and give him the opportunity to discuss his issues with you.

Either way... you really need to talk to your fiance more. Seems like you two are off on completely seperate paths hoping the other hears a cry across miles of forest.

 

 

I'm more confused reading your response then I was before... but regardless. You two need to communicate better. Can't stress that enough. You two are not talking the same language. You might be speaking, and he might be speaking... but you two don't speak the same langauge. Work on that and 80% of your problems will disappear.

 

 

How do we work on that?

[2sunny]

Lexi - how old are you and your fiance?

[Tomcat33]

I'm not sure why you think he has no regard for my feelings?

 

Because you said this in your opening post:

 

I told him I would not sit there as it would uncomfortable. He said he wasn't uncomfortable at all and that it wasn't weird.

 

He completely ignored what you expressed in terms of how the situation made you feel and made it about him and his comfort level.

 

 

That he didnt' think she would say a word to him because she was probably either over it or still angry that she'd had big plans for him (wanted to marry him) and that now he was marrying me.

 

why was she there then?

 

 

So I shouldn't be uncomfortable but if I wanted we could sit somewhere else.

 

Again he is minimizing what you are feeling.

 

Why didn't you sit somewhere else?

 

If you were ok with sitting there and ok with what he said to you in terms of how he handled the situation then why are you questioning it by posting it here?

 

 

I'm having a lot of anxiety about the situation and possibly creating my own drama because I'm afraid to lose them and yet I'm not sure I'm ready to get married.

 

You are having anxiety because you are with a man you cannot trust.

[lexi29]

Quote:

Originally Posted by lexi29

I'm not sure why you think he has no regard for my feelings?

 

Because you said this in your opening post:

 

 

Quote:

I told him I would not sit there as it would uncomfortable. He said he wasn't uncomfortable at all and that it wasn't weird.

He completely ignored what you expressed in terms of how the situation made you feel and made it about him and his comfort level.

 

 

 

Ok just to clear that up and show why I keep asking that question about where he disregarded my feelings- I didn't write that in chronological order. The conversation was - "did you know 'ex' is sitting up there with your family?" Him- "no I didn't see her" "don't you think its weird or uncomfortable that we might have to sit near her?" "No not really, I could care less that she's there. She won't speak to either one of us anyway. So there's nothing to worry about". me- "I feel really uncomfortable sitting near her. I mean our last words weren't weren't exactly friendly." him- We can sit somewhere else if you don't want to sit by her" His son ended up wanting to ride rides anyway so we didn't sit anywhere, we ended up walking around. But once I told him I was uncomfortable he suggested sitting elsewhere.

 

Quote:

That he didnt' think she would say a word to him because she was probably either over it or still angry that she'd had big plans for him (wanted to marry him) and that now he was marrying me.

why was she there then?

you tell me- I have NO idea other than she is now friends with his brother and SIL and they were walking around together (we saw her with them earlier) and since they sat with their parents she sat with them too.

 

 

Quote:

So I shouldn't be uncomfortable but if I wanted we could sit somewhere else.

Again he is minimizing what you are feeling. I looked at it as he didn't see why I would make a big deal out of a situation he considered a non issue.

 

Why didn't you sit somewhere else? We were going to but ended up not sitting anywhere as his son wanted to ride rides so we walked around instead.

 

If you were ok with sitting there and ok with what he said to you in terms of how he handled the situation then why are you questioning it by posting it here?

 

 

I wasn't ok sitting there- I thought it would be awkward. I just thought his reaction to the situation was strange- he saw nothing unusual or weird about it and wasn't bothered by it. I just felt that was a totally off the wall reaction. i thought other guys would balk at sitting near an ex that caused so much drama and one they had a bad break up with and hadn't spoken to since. I guess since she wasn't even a blip on his radar (he could care less) he honestly didnt' see a problem with it. He would have ignored her the whole time and she probably would have done the same.

Quote:

I'm having a lot of anxiety about the situation and possibly creating my own drama because I'm afraid to lose them and yet I'm not sure I'm ready to get married.

[2sunny]

i see this as you making something out of nothing.

 

forget about it.

 

if the guy continues to cause this much anxiety when he's doing nothing (you said his reaction was nothing) then you shouldn't get married. your expectations do not match his intentions.

 

if you need that much reassurance and hugs and kisses in public to feel validated - then find a man that fills your needs better.

 

personally - i think all of this silliness is way over the top.

[Tomcat33]

i see this as you making something out of nothing.

 

forget about it.

 

if the guy continues to cause this much anxiety when he's doing nothing (you said his reaction was nothing) then you shouldn't get married. your expectations do not match his intentions.

 

if you need that much reassurance and hugs and kisses in public to feel validated - then find a man that fills your needs better.

 

personally - i think all of this silliness is way over the top.

 

 

How is this sillyness and over the top? The woman is out with her fiancee and his family and she has to entertain the idea of sharing the same outing with the woman he DUMPED HER for a year ago and no one knows why this woman is even there? And you think SHE is overreacting?

[2sunny]

How is this sillyness and over the top? The woman is out with her fiancee and his family and she has to entertain the idea of sharing the same outing with the woman he DUMPED HER for a year ago and no one knows why this woman is even there? And you think SHE is overreacting?

 

yes, because it was a public place. he didn't make a big deal about the gal's presence - she did.

 

who cares if she was sitting there? no one said they were supposed to go sit by her... his family was probably being POLITE if they happened to run into her. a lot of assumptions are being made and lexi is taking things too personal. it really shouldn't even be an issue.

 

i don't understand how the other gal would figure she had "big plans" (marriage) with lexi's fiance if they only dated for two weeks.

[Tomcat33]

i don't understand how the other gal would figure she had "big plans" (marriage) with lexi's fiance if they only dated for two weeks.

 

 

Because you have no clue what her fiancee and this other chick talked about when he dumped Lexi to be with her. They were together and he went off to be with an ex, and this is the root of why Lexi cannot trust her fiancee today. If she is going to marry him she should pay a blind eye and I agree get over the past and just forget what he did. But clearly she can't so she should reconsider marrying him if it creates that much anxt.

 

She is making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal, he dumps her for another woman then this OW shows up at her family gatherings and she is supposed to be fine with it because "it doesn't bother him"?

[2sunny]

Because you have no clue what her fiancee and this other chick talked about when he dumped Lexi to be with her. They were together and he went off to be with an ex, and this is the root of why Lexi cannot trust her fiancee today. If she is going to marry him she should pay a blind eye and I agree get over the past and just forget what he did. But clearly she can't so she should reconsider marrying him if it creates that much anxt.

 

She is making a big deal out of it because it is a big deal, he dumps her for another woman then this OW shows up at her family gatherings and she is supposed to be fine with it because "it doesn't bother him"?

 

 

TC-

 

it was a public fair... which usually the whole town goes to when the fair is in town... not a FAMILY gathering. i would have viewed that differently.

[hotgurl]

lexi I am reposting my answer to you in your other thread in the infidelity section.

 

Lexi,

it is glaring obvious you two never addressed the break up last year, maybe you talked about it once or twice but you never really addressed it so that is why you are so insecure.

 

It must be really exhausting to your fiance to have to reassure you all the time. And to have any little action that it not perceived as normal to you as a fact that he is leaving you. How tiring that must be to live with.

 

You communication with each other sucks. you obviously don't trust him.

 

and as for whether there are things going on or you are just looking for things.

 

You are just looking for things to break up with him. You never felt comfortable with the engagement in the first place. you two have never addressed the damaged he caused the relationship by just suddenly leaving he has never done the work to gain back your trust and you have done the work to trust him.

 

you are in no way ready to marry him. you don't really even want to you are staying out of fear of being alone and not wanting to hurt him or his son. You love him but you know this isn't right.

[Tomcat33]

[/b]

 

 

TC-

 

it was a public fair... which usually the whole town goes to when the fair is in town... not a FAMILY gathering. i would have viewed that differently.

 

 

2S She was there with HIS family. That is a private affair in a public place. What the hell was she doing there joining his family where she more than likely knew he and Lexi would be?

 

Would you want a woman your fiancee dumped you for sitting with his family at a park and no one knows why she is even there? Would you seriously be cool with that? AND on top of it if you did express discomfort your b/f said "hm, doesn't bother me any!" (shrugs shoulders)

well DUHH why WOULD it bother him, what man doesn't like all that attention?

 

You are missing the point completely.

[2sunny]

2S She was there with HIS family. That is a private affair in a public place. What the hell was she doing there joining his family where she more than likely knew he and Lexi would be?

 

Would you want a woman your fiancee dumped you for sitting with his family at a park and no one knows why she is even there? Would you seriously be cool with that? AND on top of it if you did express discomfort your b/f said "hm, doesn't bother me any!" (shrugs shoulders)

well DUHH why WOULD it bother him, what man doesn't like all that attention?

 

You are missing the point completely.

 

not missing the point at all TC. apparently that gal has become friends with his BIL and his wife. maybe they just ran into each other at the fair and decided to sit down for a bit of time. no big deal.

 

THAT does not signal a PRIVATE AFFAIR at ALL. it was the fair for goodness sake. lots of people milling around for some social time.

 

if that is the issue then maybe it should be taken up with the BIL and his wife... ya, let's make a REALLY big deal out of nothing. that will fix it.

 

and lexi wonders why her fiance gets frustrated with her... she's overreacting when it wasn't an issue.

[lexi29]

yes, because it was a public place. he didn't make a big deal about the gal's presence - she did.

 

who cares if she was sitting there? no one said they were supposed to go sit by her... his family was probably being POLITE if they happened to run into her. a lot of assumptions are being made and lexi is taking things too personal. it really shouldn't even be an issue.

 

i don't understand how the other gal would figure she had "big plans" (marriage) with lexi's fiance if they only dated for two weeks.

 

 

She was there because she is now friends with my fiance's brother and SIL apparently. My fiance doesn't even really talk to his brother so he didnt' know this. We were supposed to sit there because his parents had saved seats for the three of us just as they had the last three days. His mother and father don't even really know her. I think they met her once during the two weeks they dated. And yes she did have plans to marry my fiance during the two weeks they dated. After dating him for a week (and him cheating on her with me) she told him that she thought they should get married and that she'd told her mom this and her mom thought it was a great idea. She went on to tell him she wanted them to get married right away and didn't even need an engagement ring. She made plans about where they would live etc. I know this because he told me. He thought she was nuts when she started talking like this. He broke up with a few days later.

 

I don't think I'm taking anything too personally. It was just an odd way to view the situation in my opinion and I was asking others if they would react (or their SO's) would react the same way my fiance did to the situation.

[lexi29]

2S She was there with HIS family. That is a private affair in a public place. What the hell was she doing there joining his family where she more than likely knew he and Lexi would be?

 

Would you want a woman your fiancee dumped you for sitting with his family at a park and no one knows why she is even there? Would you seriously be cool with that? AND on top of it if you did express discomfort your b/f said "hm, doesn't bother me any!" (shrugs shoulders)

well DUHH why WOULD it bother him, what man doesn't like all that attention?

 

You are missing the point completely.

 

Exactly! This is what I felt. I don't think she was sitting there to stir up trouble- she was there because for whatever reason she became friends with my fiance's SIL and brother and they were there. But the total non reaction that my fiance had (his son didn't even recognize her) just shocked me. It was either like he didn't care or he would actually be friends with her again if she started talking to him. It wasn't that he WANTED to sit there and tried to talk me out of otherwise doing so, but it didn't even cross his mind that it might be a bit awkward for me. Once I expressed my feelings he understood but still to him it wasn't a big deal.

[Tomcat33]

and lexi wonders why her fiance gets frustrated with her... she's overreacting when it wasn't an issue.

 

 

It was an issue, the issue is the situation was an uncomfortable one all around and the man Lexi is about to marry when faced with "I don't want to sit with her at the same table" reasonded "doesn't bother me any!"

 

He should not minimize her feelings and as Hotgrl said they need to sit down and discuss the aftermath of what happened last year. Their communication is cleary terrible and neither Lexi nor her guy are ready to embark in the responsibilty of what marriage is.

 

When later down the line they are living under the same roof as husband and W and they need to discuss real issues such as "honey I feel like our sex life has slowed down considerbaly what is going on" or "baby I'm concerned with the next door neighbour and why she keeps inviting you over to her place when her husband is not around or I am at work, is something going on here?" what will he say "mehhh don't worry about it she is not my type and besides I don't see anything wrong with that!"

 

This is how people start to minimize one another in a relationship. Her feelings of discomfort are not unfounded ones they stem from the fact HE DUMPED her for this OW a year ago.

 

You ARE missing the point of this situation but you are completely entitled to have your opinion on what YOU would feel if it were you in her shoes. I'll give you that!

[2sunny]

 

You ARE missing the point of this situation but you are completely entitled to have your opinion on what YOU would feel if it were you in her shoes. I'll give you that!

 

maybe i see it differently because i am not the jealous type. never have been. i don't look into things as much as lexi does and maybe it's good for her to view things from a different perspective... that's what we're here for.

 

your other points are well noted.

[lexi29]

I do like to try to view things from different perspectives. That is why I posted this situation here to see what others thought. What I don't understand is why a lot of posters are saying I am jealous of my fiance's ex (the one he left me for and dated for only 2 weeks) just because I felt uncomfortable with the thought of having to sit next to her with his family? Will someone please explain this? I mean he left me for this woman and she and I used to be friends before that happened and since then many hurtful things were said to each other by both parties. So there is no way possible we would ever be friendly again. I don't think we would do anything other than ignore each other. Seeing her does bring back bad memories but in no way am I jealous of her. To be jealous you have to envy something about the other person or want something they have.

 

I certainly don't envy the girl and I wouldn't trade anything in my life for anything in hers. I just feel uncomfortable and was suprised that no one including my fiance thought (without me saying anything) that it might be an awkward situation for the two of us.

[StartingOver07]

Seeing her does bring back bad memories but in no way am I jealous of her. To be jealous you have to envy something about the other person or want something they have.

 

Well, much as I know you will generate a lot of rhetoric to refute this, what your fiance's ex has that you might be jealous of is the ability to get him to drop you so that he could re-unite with her.

 

Perhaps you are no longer specifically jealous of this woman but of what she represents. Your fiance has made it clear that he can be enticed to discard you for someone else and I cannot imagine that this is a good feeling for you.

 

I also agree with the other posters who are telling you that you should not marry this man right now... and maybe not ever. Yes, it will cause heartache and confusion for everyone if you back out now, but trust me that this will be nothing compared to the heartache and pain of a divorce, especially after you have a child of your own with this man.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

What I don't understand is why a lot of posters are saying I am jealous of my fiance's ex (the one he left me for and dated for only 2 weeks) just because I felt uncomfortable with the thought of having to sit next to her with his family? Will someone please explain this?

If you weren't jealous of her, you wouldn't feel the need to point out irrelevant information such as her being overweight. People say things like this (in correlation with stating how "hot" they are, themselves) to feel better about themselves. The fact that hearing it makes you so defensive makes me think you probably know it's true, at least on some level.

 

Also: jealousy=resentment for an adversary; envy=covetousness of others' advantages/possessions. Two completely different phenomena.

[norajane]

I do like to try to view things from different perspectives. That is why I posted this situation here to see what others thought. What I don't understand is why a lot of posters are saying I am jealous of my fiance's ex (the one he left me for and dated for only 2 weeks) just because I felt uncomfortable with the thought of having to sit next to her with his family? Will someone please explain this? I mean he left me for this woman and she and I used to be friends before that happened and since then many hurtful things were said to each other by both parties. So there is no way possible we would ever be friendly again. I don't think we would do anything other than ignore each other. Seeing her does bring back bad memories but in no way am I jealous of her. To be jealous you have to envy something about the other person or want something they have.

 

I certainly don't envy the girl and I wouldn't trade anything in my life for anything in hers. I just feel uncomfortable and was suprised that no one including my fiance thought (without me saying anything) that it might be an awkward situation for the two of us.

 

You are confusing envy and jealousy - two similar, but different emotions.

 

Envy: desire to have something someone else has.

Jealousy: fear of losing something (someone) to someone else.

 

You already lost your fiancee once to this woman. It wouldn't be unusual for you to feel jealous - afraid that you will lose him again. Since his reaction wasn't outrage - what is she doing here?? let's get out of here! - your jealousy (fear) kicked in that maybe he liked it that she was there.

 

He just didn't realize it would make ME uncomfortable until I told him because he wasn't bothered by the situation.

 

And this will ALWAYS be your main problem with this guy. He NEVER realizes how uncomfortable and bothered you are or would be by anything he does simply because HE isn't bothered by it. He NEVER considers you and what's best for your relationship first - he is always and only considering his own reactions and how he feels.

 

This sets you up for a life of wondering why he didn't think anything of flirting with someone at a party, going out with his friends and dancing with other women (that are unimportant to him, so why should it bother you since it doesn't mean anything to him, right?), phone calls and texts from exes that he doesn't bother to tell you about (because they mean nothing to him, right?), or, as TC suggested, the neighbor lady spending too much time at your place when you aren't there...

 

Taken further, it also means a lifetime of: it doesn't occur to him that you need some time away from the kids, it doesn't occur to him that he's not doing his share of any cleaning or laundry or whatever (because it doesn't bother HIM if the house is a pigsty and the kids don't have clean clothes), it doesn't occur to him that it might bother you that he hasn't taken you out to dinner in months while he goes out with his work buddies every Friday after work, it just doesn't occur to him to consider YOU, ever.

 

It's all about HIM. Do you get that?

[lexi29]

If you weren't jealous of her, you wouldn't feel the need to point out irrelevant information such as her being overweight. People say things like this (in correlation with stating how "hot" they are, themselves) to feel better about themselves. The fact that hearing it makes you so defensive makes me think you probably know it's true, at least on some level.

 

Also: jealousy=resentment for an adversary; envy=covetousness of others' advantages/possessions. Two completely different phenomena.

 

 

If that is the definition of jealousy then yes I consider her an adversary and yes I do resent her. I resent that she pretended to be my friend and I want nothing to do with her. I'm not afraid he is going to leave me again for HER. As for saying she is overweight, I did not say that in the same post that I said I looked hot that day. I was illustrating a point when I said I looked good (wasn't bragging) just using that as an example to say that I am somewhat attractive and there is no reason that my fiance should have been ignoring me (and not even noticing what I was wearing) while oggling other women who walked by. I don't mind him looking but there's no reason he can't look at me as well. That is when I made the statement that I thought I looked good that day. It wasn't even in the same post as me saying his ex is overweight. I wasn't comparing the two of us.