fiance's reaction to ex

[lexi29]

I have had a really weird week. My fiance and I went to this fair over the weekend. We took his 9 year old son. My fiance (we weren't engaged at the time) left me last year for an ex of his (they dated when they were about 15 and he hadn't seen her since they were 18) which was about 11 years ago. Last year at this same fair we met up with her (he introduced me to her as he had started talking to her again after 11 years) Last year when he met her he didnt' even recognize her because she'd put on a lot on weight in the last 11 years. They continued talking for about a month and I sort of became friends with her too (she would call me or text me a lot) Well I thought we were friends but the whole time she wanted my boyfriend.

 

He left me for her very suddenly and dated her only about 2 weeks before he dumped her. She had all these big plans for them in those two weeks! SHe told him she wanted to get married (after they were dating for about a week) and she talked about moving in with him. His son hated her and would run off to a friend's house whenever she came over. I didn't contact him at all after I found out he was with her. THe last time I came over to get my stuff after we broke up (they were already dating for about a week and I had no idea) he talked me into sleeping with him. He pulled out ALL the stops and I said no three times but finally gave in because I thought he was single, I liked the attention and sex between us was always good. I turned him down several times and he still would not let it go. Well turned out he was cheating on her that night. I thought she was my friend and I called her a few days later to ask if he'd told her we broke up (I had no idea she was dating him!!) I told her how he was confusing me because we had sex after we broke up. SHe flipped out because she realized he cheated on her!!

 

of course she blamed me as if I was trying to break them up. she later realized I'd had no idea they were dating. She still stayed with him though. I had no contact with him after that (my choice) He told me he'd never talk to me again (because he blamed ME for her finding out he'd cheated) yet about a week later he was calling me and telling me how much he missed me. I wouldn't talk to him. He ended up leaving her almost a week later. He said she'd changed too much from when they were younger and he just didnt' feel anything for her. He slept with her only one time. (confirmed by her) He said she wanted to more often but he kept turning her down becuase the one time they did have sex, she was boring in bed and he just wasn't attracted to her. Well when he broke up with her she called me accusing me of calling him and breaking them up. I told her that HE was the one who called me (the night before their breakup) and what did she expect from dating him so soon after he left me. I told her EXACTLY what he said about her (being boring in bed, turning her down) and other things to hurt her. (because she had pretended to be my friend to get closer to him) That was our last conversation. THat was in Oct. of last year.

 

Well this past Saturday at this fair my fiance and I saw her there. She was hanging out with his brother and his SIL!!! She was there with her daughter. We normally sit with his whole family to watch competitions and when we went to sit with them my fiance's ex was sitting with his family and his brother and SIL.

 

I told him I would not sit there as it would uncomfortable. He said he wasn't uncomfortable at all and that it wasn't weird. That he didnt' think she would say a word to him because she was probably either over it or still angry that she'd had big plans for him (wanted to marry him) and that now he was marrying me. So I shouldn't be uncomfortable but if I wanted we could sit somewhere else. I asked why his parents wouldnt' think it was weird that his ex (who he has not spoken to since they broke up) would sit with all of them when we are getting married in a month. He said his parents aren't normal parents and they wouldn't think anything of it.

 

He didn't seem concernered about it at all. I didn't really recongnize his ex (I'd only seen her twice before) and she looked like she'd gained even more weight since last time or I just don't remember her being that heavy. I asked my fiance if he noticed she'd gained weight and he said he really didn't pay attention. Poor girl looked like a marshmellow stuffed into a pair of jeans and a shirt. I felt sorry for her.

 

Is it normal for a guy to not mind that his ex (who he had an explosive breakup and hasn't talked to her since) with is sitting with his parents and his family?

[Nevermind]

I felt sorry for her.

 

I doubt you did. You felt uncomfortable, which is completely understandable.

 

 

Is it normal for a guy to not mind that his ex (who he had an explosive breakup and hasn't talked to her since) with is sitting with his parents and his family?

 

No. It isn't. It shows two things: 1. He has absolutely no feeling of remorse for cheating on the woman. 2. He doesn't consider your feelings.

 

He cheated with you on another woman. What is more: he cheated with you on a woman for whom he dumped you like a hot potato. And he doesn't feel bad about it. Not towards you. Nor towards her.

 

Click on your profile. Check your thread history. There are 99 threads about this guy and his dysfunctional family situation.

 

99 times doubt. 99 times insecurity. 99 times caving in. 99 times people have told you: don't marry. 99 times people have warned you: this won't make you happy. 99 times you didn't listen.

 

Your boyfriend, soon husband, knows that he can do to you whatever he wants. You will take him back. You will accept it. Because you've done so a hundred times. That's why he didn't consider your feelings. He simply doesn't respect them.

[Walk]

I didn't read your other threads, but even without knowing any more history then what you posted... his actions clearly showed he didn't give a rats ass how you felt.

[lexi29]

I'm not asking why he didn't care how I felt. He didn't think about how I felt until I told him. He thought I wouldn't care about her because he is marrying ME, not her. She is alone (or appeared to be) and he is with me. So he broke up with her and we got back together and are getting married so he thought I wouldn't be uncomfortable because we are together and he hasn't talked to her (and talk to her that day either) He said she probably wouldnt' even speak to him and he had no plans to talk to her. Once I told him I was uncomfortable he said we could sit somewhere else. No problem. But I just found it odd that it didn't bother him that this ex was sitting with his parents. And that he didn't think I would be uncomfortable. You can't say he didn't consider my feelings because once I told him I was uncomfortable, he suggested we just sit somewhere else. We didn't even have to do that because his son (who didn't even remember the ex) wanted to ride some rides so we just left the arena area anyway.

 

I just found it to be odd that my fiance would have no qualms about sitting a few seats down from this ex. I mean it wasn't a pleasant break up and also I found it strange that she would sit with his parents (I think she met them once and thats it) now that he and I are getting married. My fiance said he didnt' even know his brother and SIL were friends with this ex (was a recent development).

 

He just seemed so nonchalant about the whole situation- like it was no big deal. Again, once I told him I was not happy he was suggesting we just go elsewhere. No one in his family thought it was a big deal. If I had an ex who I broke up with and it ended badly and I hadnt' talked to him since, it would be very awkward to have to sit next to him and have him talking to my parents or sister.

[lexi29]

I doubt you did. You felt uncomfortable, which is completely understandable.

 

 

 

No. It isn't. It shows two things: 1. He has absolutely no feeling of remorse for cheating on the woman. 2. He doesn't consider your feelings.

 

He cheated with you on another woman. What is more: he cheated with you on a woman for whom he dumped you like a hot potato. And he doesn't feel bad about it. Not towards you. Nor towards her.

 

 

No, I don't think he ever felt bad about what he did to her. Or he wouldn't have done it. Once he started dating her he realized he didn't have feelings for her. He broke up with her soon afterward. Yes, I know he left me suddenly to date her, yes that hurts. That is where my insecurities come from. But it actually made us closer than ever before. Not saying it was a good thing but it did make our relationship stronger.

 

Click on your profile. Check your thread history. There are 99 threads about this guy and his dysfunctional family situation.

 

99 times doubt. 99 times insecurity. 99 times caving in. 99 times people have told you: don't marry. 99 times people have warned you: this won't make you happy. 99 times you didn't listen.

 

Your boyfriend, soon husband, knows that he can do to you whatever he wants. You will take him back. You will accept it. Because you've done so a hundred times. That's why he didn't consider your feelings. He simply doesn't respect them.

What am I taking him back for? We are together. He didn't cheat on me with this woman, it just didn't bother him that we might have to sit next to her at a sporting event and that she was sitting with his family. Thats the only thing strange about the situation.

[2sunny]

Thats the only thing strange about the situation.

 

no lexi - the strange thing is that you will settle for all the crap this man constantly dishes out and you will marry him just because you don't want to be alone.

 

and you will live a miserable life constantly wondering why he's not respecting you or considering YOUR FEELINGS!

 

sheez, WAKE UP AND SMELL THE $HIT! the $hit is standing right in front of you and you still intend to marry it.

 

why are you thinking all of this is ok? where are your required boundaries for this guy to be decent to you?

 

every time you post - you come back and try to justify some silly thing about your position in this so called relationship. guess what... it's not a pretty position no matter how you look at it. he disrespects you and YOU ALLOW IT! you even justify it.

 

good luck... you are gonna need it.

[quankanne]

He just seemed so nonchalant about the whole situation- like it was no big deal. Again, once I told him I was not happy he was suggesting we just go elsewhere. No one in his family thought it was a big deal. If I had an ex who I broke up with and it ended badly and I hadnt' talked to him since, it would be very awkward to have to sit next to him and have him talking to my parents or sister.

 

I dunno, Lexi ... some guys don't sweat the small or unimportant stuff, and it sounds like she's among the small, unimportant league in his mind. My husband does this a lot, and it irritates him more to be questioned about it when, in his mind, it's all in the past and he has no hard feelings. Meaning, it's no longer important to him, it doesn't register on his radar, you know?

 

I wouldn't let it bother me simply because she has no meaning in his world, but he's a decent enough guy to say "live and let live."

 

FYI, I think you really need to stop bashing yourself by worrying about these kinds, and instead just follow his lead. You'll know quickly how he feels about a certain situation, and whether it should be cause for worry for you. Otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to second-guess his actions because YOU aren't comfortable with them. And you really don't need to add that to whatever genuine concerns you have, you know?

[lexi29]

He just seemed so nonchalant about the whole situation- like it was no big deal. Again, once I told him I was not happy he was suggesting we just go elsewhere. No one in his family thought it was a big deal. If I had an ex who I broke up with and it ended badly and I hadnt' talked to him since, it would be very awkward to have to sit next to him and have him talking to my parents or sister.

 

I dunno, Lexi ... some guys don't sweat the small or unimportant stuff, and it sounds like she's among the small, unimportant league in his mind. My husband does this a lot, and it irritates him more to be questioned about it when, in his mind, it's all in the past and he has no hard feelings. Meaning, it's no longer important to him, it doesn't register on his radar, you know?

 

I wouldn't let it bother me simply because she has no meaning in his world, but he's a decent enough guy to say "live and let live."

 

FYI, I think you really need to stop bashing yourself by worrying about these kinds, and instead just follow his lead. You'll know quickly how he feels about a certain situation, and whether it should be cause for worry for you. Otherwise, you're going to drive yourself nuts trying to second-guess his actions because YOU aren't comfortable with them. And you really don't need to add that to whatever genuine concerns you have, you know?

 

 

Thanks, I guess I didn't look at it from that perspective. Other posters are acting like he told me "tough get over it, we are going to sit by her anyway" when I told him the thought of having to sit by her made me uncomfortable. He just suggested we sit elsewhere and had no problem with that. He just didn't realize it would make ME uncomfortable until I told him because he wasn't bothered by the situation. And the reasoning that she just isn't important to him and has no meaning makes sense. I guess if he would have flipped out and refused to go anywhere near her I would have been suspicious because I'd wonder why he couldn't be civil and just sit near and not talk to this ex. If he'd suddenly start talking to her like she's a long lost best friend then I guess I should be concerned but not that he could have cared less that she was there. I didn't see it from that perspective.

[Lauriebell82]

Thanks, I guess I didn't look at it from that perspective. Other posters are acting like he told me "tough get over it, we are going to sit by her anyway" when I told him the thought of having to sit by her made me uncomfortable. He just suggested we sit elsewhere and had no problem with that. He just didn't realize it would make ME uncomfortable until I told him because he wasn't bothered by the situation. And the reasoning that she just isn't important to him and has no meaning makes sense. I guess if he would have flipped out and refused to go anywhere near her I would have been suspicious because I'd wonder why he couldn't be civil and just sit near and not talk to this ex. If he'd suddenly start talking to her like she's a long lost best friend then I guess I should be concerned but not that he could have cared less that she was there. I didn't see it from that perspective.

 

Okay I'm very confused. Let me break this down here:

 

You said you were uncomfortable sitting by her, your fiance suggested you sit somewhere else and didn't have a problem with it. You went on to say (when IMO you just should have dropped it and sat somewhere else) you went on to add fuel to the fire because you TOLD HIM how you thought he felt (not healthy communication). He humored you and gave you a reason, which you thought made sense. WHY DOES THIS BOTHER YOU THEN? You then went on to analyze if you would have been better whether he would have a) sat by her without a care or b) blew up and refused to sit by her. It sounds like both reasons bother you. What exactly is it that you want from this guy? I'm not siding with him, I'm just saying that this whole issue could have been avoided.

 

Also: I think all the stuff from your prior breakup is coming back to haunt you. You will NEVER be happy in a marriage if you don't let that stuff go. You guys don't communicate in a healthy way or solve disagreements constructly. Thats a recipe for divorce. It just doesn't sound like anything he does can make you happy. If thats the case then you need to leave the relationship. But you have said you can't do that because you don't want to be alone. It's your life, but when you ask us for advice you don't see what we are really saying.

 

What is it you want here Lexi?

[lexi29]

Okay I'm very confused. Let me break this down here:

 

You said you were uncomfortable sitting by her, your fiance suggested you sit somewhere else and didn't have a problem with it. You went on to say (when IMO you just should have dropped it and sat somewhere else) you went on to add fuel to the fire because you TOLD HIM how you thought he felt (not healthy communication). He humored you and gave you a reason, which you thought made sense. WHY DOES THIS BOTHER YOU THEN? You then went on to analyze if you would have been better whether he would have a) sat by her without a care or b) blew up and refused to sit by her. It sounds like both reasons bother you. What exactly is it that you want from this guy? I'm not siding with him, I'm just saying that this whole issue could have been avoided.

 

Also: I think all the stuff from your prior breakup is coming back to haunt you. You will NEVER be happy in a marriage if you don't let that stuff go. You guys don't communicate in a healthy way or solve disagreements constructly. Thats a recipe for divorce. It just doesn't sound like anything he does can make you happy. If thats the case then you need to leave the relationship. But you have said you can't do that because you don't want to be alone. It's your life, but when you ask us for advice you don't see what we are really saying.

 

ok, half the people who responsed said I am crazy for getting married, that basically I am letting my fiance walk all over me, that he is treating me like crap, doesn't respect me, doesn't care about my feelings, the others are saying I"M making too big a deal out of the situation, that it is MY fault that I should have let it go and not worried. So I'm not sure how I don't see what everyone is really saying. There are two different opinions (basically) here. I understand both of them.

 

What is it you want here Lexi?

 

 

I am looking for oppinions as to whether my fiance's reaction was a normal reaction to an ex that he hasn't spoken to in almost a year (yet one he left me for abruptly and dated only a few weeks). To me it was just REALLY strange that she is a) now friends with his brother and SIL and he had no idea b) that even after he treated her badly and she is/was upset that we are getting married she would sit with his parents and her friends (his brother and SIL) when we always sit by them during these events c) that his parents didn't think it might be uncomfortable for my fiance and myself to sit near her.

 

As far as I know he hasnt' spoken to her since they broke up. I am uncomfortable sitting near her because I haven't spoken to her since my fiance broke up with her (before we were engaged obviously) and the last time I did speak to her it was a screaming match of her accusing me of breaking them up and "bothering" him and his son after SHE told me to leave them alone. He was the one calling me while I was in NO CONTACT with him. Because at the time I was very upset with her for betraying me (She pretended to be my friend while she wanted to be with my boyfriend) I told her everything he'd told me that was negative about her- that he'd been discusted by her weight gain, that he said she was boring in bed, that he'd told me he'd always turned her down when she tried to seduce him (I didn't believe that one because he was a nympho when he was with me and I told her that too) I said all those hurtful things to her because at the time I was hurting and so I know if I had to sit by her its not like I could just smile and said "oh how are you?"

 

 

Actually, I first asked him if he had a problem or was uncomfortable sitting near her (I was SHOCKED that she was sitting with his parents!!) and he said it didnt bother him at all and that she probably wouldnt' say a word to him anyway and he had no plans to speak to her. I was again shocked that it wouldnt bother him to have to sit by her after he treated her so badly and he thinks she hates him.

 

Lauriebell, you a therapist or have some training, correct? Well maybe you can put this into perspective..

I think the bigger issue is that my fiance lately is not reacting the way I expect him to (I'm not talking about the way I WANT him to or anything) just he does not react the way I would expect him to based on the information I am given about a situation etc. For example- this week we just got our marriage license, my fiance is very excited about the wedding, he has been sweet and affectionate the last few months, he is wrapping up the final prep for the wedding, really working hard at getting everythign together (things the bride usually does and groom takes no interest in) so after all this effort he's put into this and I've been really helpful to him (watching his son for him while he's away at work), buying his son school clothes because his mother refused to and my fiance can't afford it, spending all my free time with him (as he always requests), having great sex with him etc. So things have felt like they are going well. So this week at this fair we attended I expected him (based on what has been going on ) to be very loving and affectionate and holding my hand and cuddling with me and being excited and happy to be with me and to be seen with me (i'm 29 but I look younger and and am in great shape and have a nice figure). Instead he was distance, checking out other women meawhile he hasn't looked at me all day and can't even tell me what color shirt I'm wearing when asked (I know that's a stupid game but I wanted to prove he wasn't paying any attention to me)

 

Also we ran into a girl that came up and started talking to him. I didn't know who she was and he didn't introduce me. Turns out the reason he didn't is he thought I knew her because I met her three years ago (she is an ex of a guy he works with). We had not argued all day before this happened. She knew he was getting married and told him so. She was there with her new boyfriend I guess. She talked his ear off about familiar stuff (told him she decided not to sell her truck etc) so it sounded like they had talked a few months ago at least. He has NEVER mentioned that he knows or talks to this girl outside of mentioning her times such as when she dumped his coworker and those are the only times I've heard about her. So I was curious (she asked his son if he remembered her and he did not) so I wondered how he knew her (he doesn't hang around the coworker at all) because she is 19 and my fiance is 31. She was talking to him like an old friend and I wasn't suspicious just curious where he knew her from so I asked. He said he knew her from this haunted trail he used to work on (before we got together) and again (yes, I probably should have dropped it but you have to realize he has NEVER mentioned knowing this girl outside of saying her name as telling stories about the coworker) so I found it odd that he never said anything yet she seems to know him.

I expected his reaction to just be him explaining how he knew her (as he did later) and saying he met her through coworker and she always talks to everyone at work and has always said hi to him and chatted when she'd run into him around town. Well instead at that moment he just repeated what he'd said (met her at haunted trail) and yelled at me to "STOP IT I don't want to hear it".

 

I had done nothing all day to warrant that kind of reaction and what had seemed perfectly innocent a few minutes ago now made me SUSPICIOUS because why would someone flip out about a question about where you met someone unless there is something to hide? And then he went off the deep end and told me that he never slept with her (I asked after he made me suspicious) and offered to track her down so I could ask her myself. I didn't want to do that even though he insisted but I refused to go with him. He said he didnt' want to hear about it for the next few months so he wanted me to talk to her right now because there was nothing to hide.

 

So twice in just a few short weeks, his reactions are just not what I've come to know as normal from him. And then the thing with his ex happened and I just felt like I was going crazy that he wasn't bothered at all that this ex was sititing with his parents and family and that we'd have to sit by them. I just first asked if it bothered him and he said no. I never thought it was because he just doesnt' care about her and that she doesn't register. I was expecting him to be like "wow I can't believe my parents are sitting with her or to be suprised or shocked that she would sit near them (I mean she dated their son for two weeks and his mom thinks she is nuts that she wanted to marry him after a week) So when his reaction was a total non reaction it made me feel like I was in the twilight zone and something was wrong with me because I thought it would be uncomfortable and everyone else could care less! So basically what I want is to be able to trust my own instinct and to be able to trust the information I've been given.

 

Because either I have a problem processing information or I'm given information that isnt' entirely accurate

[Lauriebell82]

Yes, I am a therapist. I stand by what I said before: you are acting jealous over his ex's because of your own insecurity from your breakup. Like I said, if you can't let that go then you will continue to be suspicious of every girl he meets or has dated in the past. It will ruin your relationship.

 

Oh on a side not: Guys don't notice certain stuff or remember everything you tell him. Nor do they get "hints."

 

All I'm saying is that you need to either put up or shut up regarding his behavior. If you can't deal with it, then marrying him will be a huge mistake.

[lexi29]

I dont think it is jealousy at all. I would not want to be in his ex's situation- 50 lbs overweight, looks older than she is, has a 3 year old daughter to raise on her own, her ex (father of her child) hates her. Its just that judging by the information I've been given my fiance should want NOTHING to do with that ex. He's told me she's crazy and that she wanted to marry him and move in after dating for a week. He cheated on her and hurt her and she shouldn't want anything to do with him either and yet no one but me found it strange that she would sit with his parents and SIL (who she apparently became friends with AFTER the breakup) and that we were supposed to sit there with her as well.

 

As for the girl that stopped to talk to him. I would have cared less if he'd been treating me like he normally does (affectionate) and if he'd just answered the question about how he knew her and not flipped out. He wants to know EVERY guy I talk to. My sister's male friend called my cell to ask if my sister and BIL changed their phone number. I have heard about this guy for the past month since he called (my fiance wanting to know who he is and if i've slept with him and he is convinced something went on between us at one point) Even though this guy is five hours away and I've talked to him maybe three times in my entire life. So based on how important it is for my fiance to know every single guy I talk to (and I do have male friends which bothers him at times) I expect the same in return and should have open access to any female my fiance talks to (which means if I am curious where he met her or something then he needs to answer my questions as long as I'm not accusing him of something)

[lexi29]

Yes, I am a therapist. I stand by what I said before: you are acting jealous over his ex's because of your own insecurity from your breakup. Like I said, if you can't let that go then you will continue to be suspicious of every girl he meets or has dated in the past. It will ruin your relationship.

 

Oh on a side not: Guys don't notice certain stuff or remember everything you tell him. Nor do they get "hints."

 

 

In response to this- guys don't notice certain stuff yes, I know this- my sister used to have brown hair down to her waist when she was about 13. One day she had it cut to her shoulders and dyed it blonde. A totally different look. Took my dad two days to notice! But my point about him not paying attention to me. I looked hot;). I had this cute tank top on that he's commented on in the past with these short shorts and I'm down to about 100 lbs and I looked good and felt good and normally he would notice. I had this bright pink tank on and I felt like he hadn't even looked at me when he was talking to me all day. He was around me for about 3 hours hadn't given me a kiss when we first saw eachtoher but I'd given him three kisses at different times. So he had every reason to look at me. I was getting frustrated (because he wasnt' making any move to be affectionate even though I intitated 3 times) and I noticed him checking out other women constantly. normally this wouldn't bother me but I felt ignored (and we'd gotten our marriage license the day before) and so as a joke I covered his eyes and asked what color shirt I had on. If he'd looked at me even ONCE that day he'd know because hte shirt was hard to miss (bright) He guessed that it was blue when it was pink and he immediately said "oh so now you think I'm not paying any attention to you huh"

[quankanne]

ah, well, kiddo, that's the kind of things husbands tend to do, so don't even let it start bugging you. At times, they're downright oblivious

 

BUT, as long as they keep up with the important stuff, it all balances out, you know?

[Lauriebell82]

As for the girl that stopped to talk to him. I would have cared less if he'd been treating me like he normally does (affectionate) and if he'd just answered the question about how he knew her and not flipped out. He wants to know EVERY guy I talk to. My sister's male friend called my cell to ask if my sister and BIL changed their phone number. I have heard about this guy for the past month since he called (my fiance wanting to know who he is and if i've slept with him and he is convinced something went on between us at one point) Even though this guy is five hours away and I've talked to him maybe three times in my entire life. So based on how important it is for my fiance to know every single guy I talk to (and I do have male friends which bothers him at times) I expect the same in return and should have open access to any female my fiance talks to (which means if I am curious where he met her or something then he needs to answer my questions as long as I'm not accusing him of something)

 

None of this sounds healthy. His behavior sounds controlling and your's is sounding like "well if he can do it, I can too." Whether or not you are going to admit it, you ARE jealous..you both are. Everyone gets a LITTLE jealous sooner or later, but this is crossing the line.

 

Wow Lexi, I think the two of you need to sit down and have a LLLOOONNNGGG talk before you get married. These problems are not going to get solved by saying "I do."

[2sunny]

and it's not just this isolated incident that is adding fuel to the fire... it's the history in the relationship as a whole that is more than concerning.

 

the bigger picture isn't being considered. i feel like i must be on ignore... did you read my post from earlier, because you didn't address the issues in your relationship - you just continue on like this past weekend's upheaval is the only thing that has ever happened.

 

are you being realistic about all the obstacles between you and your fiance'?

[lexi29]

Sorry, I am not jealous of his ex. I don't know why you think that? I'm insecure because of the past situation with that ex. But jealous of her, no. I didn't feel comfortable sitting near her at the event because she is someone who used to be a friend (she called me one time crying she was going to kill herself, you don't do that to random strangers or coworkers) and the last time I spoke to her it was an angry conversation (she thought I was responsible for my fiance leaving her after 2 weeks- nope she was responsible for that as was he) and I was angry that she was blaming me for everything so I let her have it. Not a pleasant conversation. So it would be very awkard for me ( or for him) to have to try to make small talk with her.

 

If I recall correctly, one of your bf's friends who was supposed to attend his guy weekend at your house didn't like you and had some not-so-nice things to say about you. If he'd shown up and you had to hang out with him don't you think it would have been a little uncomfortable? Does that mean you are jealous of his friend? nope. I might get jealous of him talking to certain other women, but this ex, not at all.

[curiousnycgirl]

Yup that's why I no longer respond to Lexi's posts, because she does not really want to hear anyone's opinions - she wants to use LS as a blog. And when someone keeps trying to help her, she b*tch slaps them. True to form.

 

Lexi we all hope you prove us wrong by having a very healthy and happy marriage.

[Lauriebell82]

Sorry, I am not jealous of his ex. I don't know why you think that? I'm insecure because of the past situation with that ex. But jealous of her, no. I didn't feel comfortable sitting near her at the event because she is someone who used to be a friend (she called me one time crying she was going to kill herself, you don't do that to random strangers or coworkers) and the last time I spoke to her it was an angry conversation (she thought I was responsible for my fiance leaving her after 2 weeks- nope she was responsible for that as was he) and I was angry that she was blaming me for everything so I let her have it. Not a pleasant conversation. So it would be very awkard for me ( or for him) to have to try to make small talk with her.

 

This is all irrelvant to the bigger picture here. These are other reasons not to like the ex. Who cares, she's not in the picture anymore. Let it go.

 

If I recall correctly, one of your bf's friends who was supposed to attend his guy weekend at your house didn't like you and had some not-so-nice things to say about you. If he'd shown up and you had to hang out with him don't you think it would have been a little uncomfortable? Does that mean you are jealous of his friend? nope. I might get jealous of him talking to certain other women, but this ex, not at all.

 

This is not about me, it's about you. You are using my situations to justify behavior. That won't help you. The situations are not the same anyway.

 

Overall, I don't think you want to acknowledge what we are trying to tell you. If you look at the bigger picture, you will realize that all these situations you don't "like" are because of deeper issues you and your fiance have. Who cares about the ex? She's NOT the real problem.

[Lauriebell82]

Yup that's why I no longer respond to Lexi's posts, because she does not really want to hear anyone's opinions - she wants to use LS as a blog. And when someone keeps trying to help her, she b*tch slaps them. True to form.

 

Lexi we all hope you prove us wrong by having a very healthy and happy marriage.

 

Yeah, I agree. I'm giving up. Good luck Lexi.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

Click on your profile. Check your thread history. There are 99 threads about this guy and his dysfunctional family situation.

 

99 times doubt. 99 times insecurity. 99 times caving in. 99 times people have told you: don't marry. 99 times people have warned you: this won't make you happy. 99 times you didn't listen.

 

Your boyfriend, soon husband, knows that he can do to you whatever he wants. You will take him back. You will accept it. Because you've done so a hundred times. That's why he didn't consider your feelings. He simply doesn't respect them.

I'm glad somebody pointed this out, because it's so true. Reading threads like this makes me realize why the divorce rate is so high. It's sad.

 

And yes, you clearly ARE jealous of his ex, but denial is not the way to deal with it.

[Lauriebell82]

I'm glad somebody pointed this out, because it's so true. Reading threads like this makes me realize why the divorce rate is so high. It's sad.

 

And yes, you clearly ARE jealous of his ex, but denial is not the way to deal with it.

 

Yeah, I don't think Lexi quite understands what we are trying to tell her..or she is aware of the problem but just doesn't want to admit it to herself. (it's most likely the latter).

[Tomcat33]

And you are going to marry this guy why?

 

He dumped you for another woman whom he introduced to you as a friend and now he has NO regard for how it makes you feel to be around this woman and you think he is someone still worth marrying? Are you insane woman?

 

I hate to break it to you but that self absorbed inclination he has to be self centered and self serrvient will only get worse with time.

 

I never wish people good luck since I don't believe luck magically happens, I believe we MAKE our luck, but you will sincerely need luck in every magical sense.

 

Don't mean to be a Debbie Downer but really this guy is showing you this early on he doesn't really care all that much how his actions make you feel and you are allowing him to do so.

[Walk]

oppinions as to whether my fiance's reaction was a normal reaction to an ex that he hasn't spoken to in almost a year (yet one he left me for abruptly and dated only a few weeks).

You haven't gotten over it, but he has.

 

she is a) now friends with his brother and SIL and he had no idea

I dont' know all my brothers friends either. I was shocked to learn that my old class mate made out with my brother a couple weeks ago. Sounds like you're insecure that the ex is back in the families good graces.

 

b) that even after he treated her badly and she is/was upset that we are getting married she would sit with his parents and her friends (his brother and SIL) when we always sit by them during these events

She likes his family. So what?

 

c) that his parents didn't think it might be uncomfortable for my fiance and myself to sit near her.

I doubt his parents are going to ban her from sitting on a public seat at a fair. No matter what they may say in private, they aren't going to be a-holes about the matter and publicly shun the girl. And even at that... they might think she's wacko but that doesn't mean they hate her. You hate her, so you assume every one else should too.

 

I am uncomfortable sitting near her because I haven't spoken to her since my fiance broke up with her

I'd be uncomfortable too.

 

I think the bigger issue is that my fiance lately is not reacting the way I expect him to

 

So this week at this fair we attended I expected him .... to be very loving and affectionate...

 

Instead he was distance, checking out other women meawhile he hasn't looked at me all day and can't even tell me what color shirt I'm wearing when asked (I know that's a stupid game but I wanted to prove he wasn't paying any attention to me)

 

we ran into a girl that came up and started talking to him.

 

She knew he was getting married and told him so. She was there with her new boyfriend I guess.

You expected... he didn't act as you expected. That causes confusion. Instead of talking to him about it, you jump his shyt when another woman talks to him. You got jealous and blew up.

 

She was talking to him like an old friend and I wasn't suspicious just curious where he knew her from so I asked. He said he knew her from this haunted trail he used to work on

 

I expected his reaction to just be him explaining how he knew her ....

 

instead at that moment he just repeated what he'd said (met her at haunted trail) and yelled at me to "STOP IT I don't want to hear it".

 

He told you where he knew her from. Twice.

 

I had done nothing all day to warrant that kind of reaction

 

And then he went off the deep end and told me that he never slept with her (I asked after he made me suspicious)

Bullshyt. You harrased him about where he knew that woman from. Your only reason to harras him was because you felt insecure. He got upset with you for how you were acting about the situation.

 

Your fiance was being cool toward you all day because your jealousy was driving him nuts. Then when a younger woman who KNOWS he's getting married, and who has a bf, talks to him you start questioning where he knows her from. THen when he answers, you don't believe him, and ask him again. He blows up at you because he's annoyed by how you've been reacting. i.e. The ex and his parents, the female friend and your questions.

 

And you go over the top and start asking him if he slept with her?!?! Your expectations are unrealistic. Your reactions are based on jealousy and paranoia.

 

I just felt like I was going crazy that he wasn't bothered at all that this ex was sititing with his parents and family ..

 

I never thought it was because he just doesnt' care about her

You assumed he does still care. Your expectations are in line with someone who believes that their fiance is still in love with another person.

 

So basically what I want is to be able to trust my own instinct and to be able to trust the information I've been given.

 

Because either I have a problem processing information or I'm given information that isnt' entirely accurate

 

 

 

Recap:

• You specificially describe the ex as a fat whale when no description was necessary.
  
• You stress how hot you looked that day.
  
• You never thought your fiance wasn't bothered because he doesn't give a rat's ass about that woman. Which means you assumed he does care.
  
• You got jealous of some other woman talking to you bf.
  
• You questioned him several times about where he knew her from.
  
• He answered several times, and you still felt he was lying.
  
• You assume he had sex with this other woman.
  
• You assume his anger over being accused of having sex with another woman is because he had sex with her.
  
• You feel its his fault that you two got in a fight that day.
  

[lexi29]

You haven't gotten over it, but he has.

 

 

Walk- thank you for putting it in perpective. I am NOT jealous of his ex (not the ex he left me for) I do not envy ANYTHING about her. But obviously as you pointed out I am not over what happened in the past but my fiance is. I never believed he was still in love with his ex (he only dated her for about 2 weeks, he was never in love with her to begin with, he was caught in a fantasy from the past and quickly realized that realilty didn't live up to that fantasy. But it was a HUGE traumatic experience for me and I don't think i've recovered.

 

I dont' know all my brothers friends either. I was shocked to learn that my old class mate made out with my brother a couple weeks ago. Sounds like you're insecure that the ex is back in the families good graces.

 

 

She likes his family. So what?

She doesn't even know his family (other than his brother and SIL now.)She didn't even meet them when they were dating those two weeks. She met his parents one time.

 

I doubt his parents are going to ban her from sitting on a public seat at a fair. No matter what they may say in private, they aren't going to be a-holes about the matter and publicly shun the girl. And even at that... they might think she's wacko but that doesn't mean they hate her. You hate her, so you assume every one else should too.

 

I didn't expect then to shun her. It was just odd that they would think nothing of her sitting there because of her past with my fiance. I don't hate her because she's an ex. I dislike her because she played me. She acted like my friend and I genuinely liked her. Even when my (her's at the time) boyfriend cheated on her with me, I felt bad that I'd participated in something that hurt her. I just don't want to ever be around her again. thats all.

 

 

I'd be uncomfortable too.

 

 

You expected... he didn't act as you expected. That causes confusion. Instead of talking to him about it, you jump his shyt when another woman talks to him. You got jealous and blew up.

 

Yes, I will admit I get jealous when he talks to certain other women (but not the ex!) I tried to talk to him about it, I didn't jump his sh*T at first. I just asked him who she was or how he knew her.

 

He told you where he knew her from. Twice.

 

 

Bullshyt. You harrased him about where he knew that woman from. Your only reason to harras him was because you felt insecure. He got upset with you for how you were acting about the situation.

 

I don't consider it harrasment to ask someone "where do you know her from?" I asked him that question about every GUY he stopped and talked to as well. If he hadn't answered the question curtly and then yelled at me "drop it!" after I just asked one question, the same question I asked about every male he encountered then I wouldn't have said another word because at the time I knew she was his friend's ex and knew her backstory so I had no interest in hearing anything else. I have heard stories about her for the last 3 years and never once asked my fiance if he slept with her or anything like that. Never crossed my mind until he suddenly flipped out and didnt' want to say another word on the subject. His son was standing right there and yelled at his dad- "why are you yelling at Lexi?" his son was suprised too. When someone clams up like that it normally means they are hiding something.

 

 

Your fiance was being cool toward you all day because your jealousy was driving him nuts. Then when a younger woman who KNOWS he's getting married, and who has a bf, talks to him you start questioning where he knows her from. THen when he answers, you don't believe him, and ask him again. He blows up at you because he's annoyed by how you've been reacting. i.e. The ex and his parents, the female friend and your questions.

 

Nope, this would be the case if he was acting cool AFTER all this happened. He was acting this way for DAYS before these events took place. So I was already feeling insecure or like something was wrong and this is what led to me asking him questions. We didn't run into his ex until the VERY Last day and the other girl was the night before. So he was already not paying attention to me and not being affectionate. I agree that this events annoyed him but he was acting strange before all of this.

 

And you go over the top and start asking him if he slept with her?!?! Your expectations are unrealistic. Your reactions are based on jealousy and paranoia.

 

I agree with this. You are right, I was over the top.

 

 

You assumed he does still care. Your expectations are in line with someone who believes that their fiance is still in love with another person.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Recap:

• You specificially describe the ex as a fat whale when no description was necessary. Yes this was cruel and unecessary but I have a lot of anger toward this woman not so much that she "took" my boyfriend away but that she pretended to be my friend (and I dont' have a lot of female friends) and was a backstabber.
  
• 
  
• You stress how hot you looked that day. I only said this because my fiance should have been looking at me, its not like I dont' take care of myself and am not attractive.
  
• You never thought your fiance wasn't bothered because he doesn't give a rat's ass about that woman. Which means you assumed he does care.
  

You got jealous of some other woman talking to you bf. I wasnt' jealous of her- I was thrown off by his reaction to me asking where he knew her from as he didn't introduce me.

• You questioned him several times about where he knew her from. Bad idea- my fault, I just wanted to understand, the pieces weren't fitting.
  
• He answered several times, and you still felt he was lying. No, I didnt' think he was lying to me at all, he only answered once before he flipped out, that is what set off my questions.
  
• You assume he had sex with this other woman. In my experiences (not just with my fiance) when someone gets angry and doesnt' want to talk about a person it usually means they are hiding something. My fiance asks me all the time about other guys and I have no problem calmly telling him the truth.
  
• You assume his anger over being accused of having sex with another woman is because he had sex with her. No, i really didn't think he slept with her (he'd have to be a pedophile to do so because the only time she wasn't with her ex, she would have been about 13 and my fiance would have been 26. )
  
• You feel its his fault that you two got in a fight that day.
  

No it was both of our faults, I shouldn't have been questioning him but he should have paid attention to me as he normally does and not have made me feel insecure all week because he was acting like he didnt' want to be with me.