Emotions after real ending of A

[Satwa]

It's funny -in a sad yep I recognise that way- when reading other posters about their desire to end the A, yet the times they have done it, they secretly knew it wasn't going to stick. Well I've definitely ended mine today and I knew it will stick. Someone on my previous post had said that with hindsight you see things so differently and that process has begun for me. It's as if the fog has been lifted, the rose tinted glasses have come off and I see xMM as who he truly is, an extremelys selfish and confused person who wanted instant emotional gratification and damned the consequences in how he gets them. All the love I had for him, I can't find it anywhere in my heart any more, and all I feel is anger, anger and more anger.

 

I vented out to him all my anger, and how used I felt, and what a prick he was. I told him that he was so wrong for me on so many levels and yet I was so ****ed up to be his emotional clutch for the past 8 months, help him deal with his marital problems, his career, everything thing, I was being his 'wife' whist his wife checked out of that role. And he gave nothing back to me at all, and refused to let me go, or be strong enough when I had wanted to end things between us.

 

I'm by nature, a very calm person, and I hate feeling angry towards anyone because to me, anger is just such a useless emotion. But I'm clinging onto anger for my life's worth. He wrote me a letter, apologising over and over for his actions but these words mean nothing to me. Gosh, I never thought we'd end like this, but I knew if we remained as 'friends', he'd be secretly hoping that I'm not over him and if things go bad in his marriage again, he'd seek me out, so being friends is definitely out. All that I found endearing about him, I just feel nauseated and violently ill. I don't want to look at him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want anything to do with him. I can almost say I hate him, hate him for making me think I am second best, deserve the scraps he gave me, making me feel so unworthy of love. And I've never hated anyone before.

 

As I work with xMM, NC is impossible, but it will definitely be minimal work contact. This chapter of my life is over and I just want to heal and move on. I

 

My question is about OWs' experiences with real, definite endings - what feelings you went through, and do you ever find the love you had for xMM?? The state I'm in, I don't think I can ever love him again. He's killed it all with his selfishness.

[mistresswchildren]

There are so many different things you go through. First, there is anger. You get angry to the point of hating. Then, you go through pain. You are hurt because of this MM, and you are hurt because you allowed yourself to be weak. You allowed this to happen to you. It becomes a shame spiral. You begin to miss him because you have been ostracized from your friends and family, so he has become the only person you really talk to. You obviously cannot talk to your friends and family about the situation because they either don't know or don't approve. You get to a point of longing. You want what you had back. You remember all the good things, and then you forget about the bad. Inevitably, you will return to anger. You begin to see the reality of the situation, and you cannot stand this human being that you thought you loved. The problem with me is that I think my heart will always carry a torch for this man. He is the lowest form of life, but I think that part of me will always love him (however my situation is a little different because I have two children with him).

 

Just so you know, hatred is also a useless emotion. You know the saying, "There is a fine line between love and hate." Well, it is true. Hatred denotes that you care enough about another person to allow them to "rent space in your mind." If you can, get to the point where you have no emotion for this guy in either direction. Make him into just another one of the nameless, faceless people in the world that you have not met. While you may care about the well-being of all of the other people in this world, you do not go out of your way every day to think about every single one of them. He deserves no different. He is just another body on the planet. Don't waste your time hating him. It isn't worth it to you.

[jj33]

I have to say it has varied but we are in frequent contact for work so it took me a much longer time to detach than it would have otherwise.

 

In the past day or so I have finally come to a point where I can say we shared something special but those days are behind us. Some of the things that have gone on since the PA ended have been so painful that when I look back I look back on pain. The good things are buried deep below it. I know he still loves me and is having trouble detaching but it doesnt change how difficult this past year has been. The thought of speaking to him makes me cringe but you have to do what you have to do. I hope that cringing feeling subsides in time.

 

If you got to this place now hang onto it. It will keep you from slipping back in these early stages when feelings often waiver. I agree that anger is not always healthy but it is when you are trying to separate from someone. It keeps you from hanging on and torturing yourself with what ifs.

 

Perhaps in time you may be able to look back on him as someone who was special to you. But since he is not available, its better that you dont feel those same strong loving feelings for him. Except in those rare cases where it works out, they are a slow painful boat to nowhere. You will find someone else to share that love with, someone who is available to love you back the way you deserve to be loved.

[miss tee]

i just ended my A last week and it is most definately final. the weird thing is, however, is that i feel so empowered now; i feel strength and love for myself that i realize now, after coming out of this 'fog' as you mentioned, was hidden due to the involvement with my OM. there is some anger there too - the blinders finally came off for me, as I finally made the discovery of a secret world of his that made me want to vomit. But the anger is pretty low simmering; just enough to not make me wallow in grief and missing him; not putting him on some undeserving pedestal or holding our relationship in such high regard. i feel used and lied to, but i also feel FREE. finally!

 

a week later I am starting to more or less feel indifferent regarding him. He is sooooooooooo not special, and i wont give him my attention by seething in that anger. As previous posters have mentioned, that anger can also give you a reason still hold ON to him, when you know deep down you want to completely let go.

 

i think first off, forgive yourself. you feel he made a fool of you and that you wasted precious time with him, but if it's really over, then let that all go. the negativity. secondly, is it possible to feel like you are finally 'unshackled' and free from the burden of this affair? no more hiding. no more shame. no more feeling second best. it is you and this is the rest of your life to live withOUT that heavy weight on your shoulders; he being that weight. also, you ask if it's possible to love him again..why do you wish for this?

[astra77]

Placing your self in a more positive frame of mind is also helpful, hard to do but helpful.

 

After ALL the negativity that comes from an A, you have to re program your mind, this has been mentioned ALOT on LS and at first i didnt understand, but now I get it. You have come from a place of hurt that was extremely unhealthy, you know no different. You cant "remember" what you did BEFORE you met MM. MM has changed you, PERIOD. He changed YOU to suit HIM, now you have to re program YOU to suit YOU. Its hard but it can be done.

 

Re Train your mind to focus on more positive things, and on YOURSELF. I discovered that i found it was easier for me to still love him, but not so easy to love ME. I had to get that thought out of my mind - HARD - or i would have ended up in a straight jacket. NO JOKES.

 

I am now trying to love ME and not him.

 

Shift your focus on to someone who is worth your time, after all, you have to live with yourself for a lot longer !!

[Satwa]

Miss Tee, I feel exactly the same way. It's like this huge weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I knew the A was wrong, but I was stuck, I was in love and I couldn't get out, no matter how I tried, and every time I did try, he'd sabotage all my attempts. And I didn't want to say no to him, because I'm suppose to support him through everything, and hence just destroyed bits and pieces of myself in the process. And I felt weak and powerless about it all. The situation controlled us, rather than the other way around. But this week, or yesterday, I finally feel the tables have turned, and my heart feels buoyant. The times when I've ended it, I still carried a hope within me, maybe it will work out for us down the track, but since yesterday, I'm convinced that it will never work out for us and that hope has been crushed to microscopic dust particles. I think one must lose all hope before one is ready to feel it's a real ending. And the feeling of freedom is also important, all those fake endings, I still felt attached, terribly attached, as if saying why is fate so unkind to me, why me.

 

What I said about finding love for my xMM, I meant the love I had for him, in the past sense. I can't even remember the love I had for him. It's as if all of that has disappeared. And I am saddened by it, because I think love is such a special, wonderful thing, and to lose that, even the memory of it, it just saddens me. I don't want to love him again, because that is just suicidal.

 

I have forgiven myself. We all go through these experiences to learn something. And I've learnt that the right person will treat you in a selfless manner, not in the selfish manner which he has treated me. The right person will value me, and not think of me as a consolation prize in case if his marriage goes all kablooey and he needs someone to stroke his ego. I don't know if I can forgive him. I suppose at some stage, like you've said, I will feel simply nothing towards him and that's when forgiveness will come into play. Miss Tee, have you forgiven your xMM yet, if not, do you think you will??

 

Astra 77, and jj33 (you may relate to this too), the thing about working with xMM was that we saw each other almost everyday, and perhaps that's why we landed ourselves in this place to start off with. During the A, I thought to myself, at least I can see him everyday and talk to him everyday, unlike some of the other OW who had to wait for an email or phone call. So as a result I never had to change my lifestyle much to suit him. And that is a good thing. I maintained my lifestyle and as far as everyone else was concerned, I was still single and fancy free. Except now I am that. It is funny that A completely warps your senses and your just become a doormat to someone else, it is so unhealthy. You sound like a wonderful person and I hope you get through this difficult period. We all play parts in our lives, and nothing is permanent, so this phase of your life will pass too.

 

I'm still angry today, but simmering rather than seething. I still want to point out to him the errors of his way. I still don't think he understands what he has done to me. He understands that he's hurt me, but not the reasons behind it. The MM/MW in A will only see the relationship as about themselves and I don't think they ever see the OW/OM.

 

Thanks again to everyone on the forum. To be able to voice out all these bottled up emotions and to read other posters' experiences have been invaluable. Hugs to all.

[miss tee]

Miss Tee, have you forgiven your xMM yet, if not, do you think you will??

 

 

hmm. forgiven him. I'm not really sure to tell you the truth. Our situation was a little different because we were both married, but nevertheless he lied and hid things from me for a very long time, the last lie being the straw that broke the camel's back for me. So i suppose in letting go of the A that i have essentially forgiven him; i don't want to poke him with a voodoo doll or anything , but i do not, nor do i wish to, feel any sort of lovey dovey feelings for him. still, there is sadness there in that something that once held such meaning for me has completely deteriorated, and I feel foolish for clinging to it all this time, discarding my own better judgment, all this time. But i find beating oneself up about it doesn't hurt him one bit, it only hurts me.

[Jumbo]

Satwa - Do whatever it takes to get him out of your mind or wanting to be with him. I never had the capacity to hate or to hate for long.....but I am a man and might be wired differently....I wish I could hate my former MW...it would make things easier for me and most likely stop me from missing her when I do.

[phoenixrising]

I know what you mean, Jumbo... I just don't think I'm wired to hate. Even though we were in an alternating PA/EA for 4 years, and he was still confused at the end (probably preferred to have both of us and I put up with it), I still feel a very deep love for him. That being said, I am working to detach, as I have to work with him periodically, because the emotions were simply to great. I'm 2 mos work contact only, and still miss the little things about having him in my life. I figure this is simply something I will have to accept. IBut the roller coaster was emotionally unhealthy and I was losing my strength. I also had to wonder why there were no actions to support his words for that whole time. Two months after NC I have a new perspective, more focus, have gone through the anger phase, and have accepted his choice to stay with his wife. But I can't say that I don't still love him... I do. I just have to hope that something will happen to allow me to end this phase of my life and move on with someone new some day. It's a very slow process.

[astra77]

I'm still angry today, but simmering rather than seething. I still want to point out to him the errors of his way. I still don't think he understands what he has done to me. He understands that he's hurt me, but not the reasons behind it. The MM/MW in A will only see the relationship as about themselves and I don't think they ever see the OW/OM.

 

Sadly i have to say i agree with you huny, i think / feel the same, hang on tight, we can all get through this

[marlena]

My question is about OWs' experiences with real, definite endings - what feelings you went through, and do you ever find the love you had for xMM?? The state I'm in, I don't think I can ever love him again. He's killed it all with his selfishness.

 

I felt exactly the same way as you. I was consumed by an anger that was directed not only against him but more against myself for being so foolish and blindsighted.

 

No, I could never love him again. That love was killed the very same instant that the fog lifted and I could see him for who he truly was. What I saw was VERY ugly. Today, if I were to see him on the street, I'd want to spit in his face but of course, being the lady that I am, I will just cross over to the other side and pretend I didn't see him.

 

Satwa, you will be OK and very soon I think. The moment that the mask drops is a moment of revelation, one you can not ignore. It is the truth staring at you in the face and the truth,however paingul, always sets us free.

 

I am not saying that all MM are like this but yes, age and experience have taught me that most are. The ones who are real tell their wives and divorce almost immediately. No gaslighting, no procrastinations, no cowardice. They assume full responsiblity for their actions and feelings and do not fear the consequences.

 

Good luck!

[bentnotbroken]

I felt exactly the same way as you. I was consumed by an anger that was directed not only against him but more against myself for being so foolish and blindsighted.

 

No, I could never love him again. That love was killed the very same instant that the fog lifted and I could see him for who he truly was. What I saw was VERY ugly. Today, if I were to see him on the street, I'd want to spit in his face but of course, being the lady that I am, I will just cross over to the other side and pretend I didn't see him.

 

Satwa, you will be OK and very soon I think. The moment that the mask drops is a moment of revelation, one you can not ignore. It is the truth staring at you in the face and the truth,however paingul, always sets us free.

 

I am not saying that all MM are like this but yes, age and experience have taught me that most are. The ones who are real tell their wives and divorce almost immediately. No gaslighting, no procrastinations, no cowardice. They assume full responsiblity for their actions and feelings and do not fear the consequences.

 

Good luck!

 

 

This is so true. That's all I have ever felt. As someone who was betrayed, I would have appreciated the responsibility of ending it with me, before a 3rd party was added and made things more difficult and harder to recover for me and my children.

[marlena]

This is so true. That's all I have ever felt. As someone who was betrayed, I would have appreciated the responsibility of ending it with me, before a 3rd party was added and made things more difficult and harder to recover for me and my children.

 

Yes, I know BB, I sat on that side of the fence as well. But we're doing just fine, better than ever, aren't we? Who needs these pathetic losers in their life?

[me003]

I'm 2 mos work contact only, and still miss the little things about having him in my life. I figure this is simply something I will have to accept. IBut the roller coaster was emotionally unhealthy and I was losing my strength. I also had to wonder why there were no actions to support his words for that whole time. Two months after NC I have a new perspective, more focus, have gone through the anger phase, and have accepted his choice to stay with his wife. But I can't say that I don't still love him... I do. I just have to hope that something will happen to allow me to end this phase of my life and move on with someone new some day. It's a very slow process.

 

I had NC with my XMM, I am having only limited C but no verbal or visual C.

When I see him I don't acknowledge him or even look into his eyes anymore. This is the way O have to deal with it. How do you or anyone who work with XMM deal with it?

[simple_city_girl]

i have similar feelings. 2 days ago i told my MM that i started loving him bcoz he has been such a good friend, he cared and understood me like no one has in the past 3 years. though i told him that i was feeling happy about this emotion in me, but i dont want anything from him coz that will ruin everything.

 

not much to my surprise, he didnt show a single drop of emotion. in fact since we were so close friends, he actually tried to to ask me things like 'did i ever misled you'. this really hurt me. i have decided to end our friendship too and i informed him that i was ending everything and also quitting work (i work with him). he called me after reading my emails and asked me why i was taking this decision. i told him that i felt like nothing has any meaning for you, and that he's more interested in safeguarding himself from any sort of blame from my side. also i want to detach myself from him since i ended everything. he tried to convince me a lot to stay, but i didnt relent.

 

today he's going out of country for a month on work. he called me yesterday and said that i should not leave my work mid way and i can work from home if i dont feel like dropping at office. he said there is no urgency to decide the matter, and that we can talk when we he comes back on october.

 

i am feeling that he's being too selfish. if he knows that i want closure why cant he just let me leave. why remind me again and again about my professional commitments which then force me to stay and be in this situation. yesterday i felt he was little cold hearted on the phone, indifferent.

 

i want to just go away from this and end everything thats related to this friendship. i am feeling very disturbed since yesterday about his attitude. he's not understanding my position. i want to have complete closure

[Satwa]

Once again, thanks everyone.

I think closure is extremely important for the end of A. I wrote a letter to xMM, and it took me four days to compose it. In it, I basically told him how the A made me feel, especially regarding the chain of events that ended it, when he made me feel so worthless, in a wy that nobody has ever made me feel. I told him that he didn't love me (he claimed that he had never loved anyone as much as me), because he didn't see me and how selfless I had been with my love and if he did love me, he would have never put me in this position to start off with. I also told him the minute I realised that he didn't see me, I stopped loving him. I wished him luck with marriage, and to learn something from this experience. He read the letter and agreed with everything I had written, except he told me he did love me. Not my problem.

The whole week, I couldn't look at xMM in the eye becaus it either hurt me too much or just made me feel violently ill. But once I had given him the letter, I felt I was finally released by the entire situation. I had somehow or rather unloaded all the pain and anguish I had been carrying within myself, out to the universe (or him, I don't really care any more).

 

I no longer feel that much anger towards him any more. I don't usually get angry or frazzled by negative emotions, when that happens, it usually lasts only for a day or two, and this has been the longest. I just feel saddened by the entire situaton, for me and for him - he is just extremely confused about his life, but not my problem any more!! I had a great weekend, unlike previous weekends where I'd be constantly burdened by what was happening.

 

I will see him at work tomorrow, and I don't know what will happen. I think I can look him in the eyes now and have a civil conversation with him. But I also don't wan to leap before walking, so I will still minimise contact with him. Perhaps by the end of the year I can treat him like any other colleague. I shall keep everyone posted.

 

The thing I have learnt through this entire experience is that love is more than just finding that 'connection'. It's about enhancing and building one's worth through that relationship. If that's lacking and cannot be resolved, then move on. We definitely deserve better. Unfortunately that is something I guess we all have to experience to truly understand. As women, we all think that gosh I had given so much, loved so much, he must see that and see how right I am for him. That hardly ever happens.

 

Once again, thanks to everyone and hugs!! Ending A is extremely liberating, even though it is so painful to start off with, but like everything else in life, it's all transitory. The pain too shall pass.

[marlena]

Good luck, Satwa, and may true happiness come your way very soon. Yes, we women all deserve better than hand-me-downs that just don't fit right.

[jj33]

Once again, thanks everyone.

The thing I have learnt through this entire experience is that love is more than just finding that 'connection'. It's about enhancing and building one's worth through that relationship. If that's lacking and cannot be resolved, then move on. We definitely deserve better. Unfortunately that is something I guess we all have to experience to truly understand. As women, we all think that gosh I had given so much, loved so much, he must see that and see how right I am for him. That hardly ever happens.

 

Once again, thanks to everyone and hugs!! Ending A is extremely liberating, even though it is so painful to start off with, but like everything else in life, it's all transitory. The pain too shall pass.

 

Satwa that is such a good insight. Its good to be generous of heart in a relationship but just because you are giving and loving doesnt mean that the other person will see how right you are for them. Either they do or they dont. And if they dont all the giving and "auditioning" in the world wont matter.

 

Good luck this week. You can do it. Just hold your head high and be proud of yourself for being ready to move forward.

[Meaplus3]

It's funny -in a sad yep I recognise that way- when reading other posters about their desire to end the A, yet the times they have done it, they secretly knew it wasn't going to stick. Well I've definitely ended mine today and I knew it will stick. Someone on my previous post had said that with hindsight you see things so differently and that process has begun for me. It's as if the fog has been lifted, the rose tinted glasses have come off and I see xMM as who he truly is, an extremelys selfish and confused person who wanted instant emotional gratification and damned the consequences in how he gets them. All the love I had for him, I can't find it anywhere in my heart any more, and all I feel is anger, anger and more anger.

 

I vented out to him all my anger, and how used I felt, and what a prick he was. I told him that he was so wrong for me on so many levels and yet I was so ****ed up to be his emotional clutch for the past 8 months, help him deal with his marital problems, his career, everything thing, I was being his 'wife' whist his wife checked out of that role. And he gave nothing back to me at all, and refused to let me go, or be strong enough when I had wanted to end things between us.

 

I'm by nature, a very calm person, and I hate feeling angry towards anyone because to me, anger is just such a useless emotion. But I'm clinging onto anger for my life's worth. He wrote me a letter, apologising over and over for his actions but these words mean nothing to me. Gosh, I never thought we'd end like this, but I knew if we remained as 'friends', he'd be secretly hoping that I'm not over him and if things go bad in his marriage again, he'd seek me out, so being friends is definitely out. All that I found endearing about him, I just feel nauseated and violently ill. I don't want to look at him, I don't want to talk to him, I don't want anything to do with him. I can almost say I hate him, hate him for making me think I am second best, deserve the scraps he gave me, making me feel so unworthy of love. And I've never hated anyone before.

 

As I work with xMM, NC is impossible, but it will definitely be minimal work contact. This chapter of my life is over and I just want to heal and move on. I

 

My question is about OWs' experiences with real, definite endings - what feelings you went through, and do you ever find the love you had for xMM?? The state I'm in, I don't think I can ever love him again. He's killed it all with his selfishness.

 

I think I went through every stage possible.. while getting past my long ea with xmm. It looks like you have reached the anger stage. When I hit that point the love was gone. I felt used.. ashamed, taken the whole nine yards. It was those feelings that made me see that this man was no gem.. or price to have won. Those feelings helped me the most to be able to move past the ea. Sounds to me like your getting there. Keep up the minimal NC, you can get past this. Stay strong.

 

AP:)

[grogster]

I'm an ex-OM, and I ended my affair about 5 years ago. The MW fought hard to keep it going. (She was having fun). After I ended the affair she wanted to be friends. (Post-affair friendships are often mere hiatuses).

 

After limping along in a twilight "friend" relationship I went totally NC (I understand that NC is not feasible in your case). It has been 4 years since I've seen her and more than 2 years since we've had any contact.

 

My point: An affair is a relationship, and some relationships are more difficult to end than others. You'll experience a whirlwind of emotions--pain, loss,regret, grief, loneliness. At times it will be overbearing but you'll survive and come out the other side.

 

My marriage did not survive my affair; ironically, hers did even though she was the initiator.

 

One never knows.

[Shellz]

My XMM & I had such a passionate & deep affair, that when he ended it at d-day, I was devastated. He didn't hold up his end of the situation. He laid down & begged for forgiveness. It was the opposite of all that we had talked about. I told my H i was in love with the MM. We were both sure our spouses would throw us out b/c we were all such close friends for so long. But that didn't happen. I am angry, hurt, & totally crushed. But if he would call me & tell he can't take it anymore & is miserable, I would take him back. I think he is settling for what is comfortable & b/c he has been married for 25 years there is a lot invested. From what he has expressed to me recently, I think he is very scared of what he has to lose. In my opinion, who cares? When you have those deep feelings that you have never had before, you do whatever it takes to be with that person.

[bentnotbroken]

My XMM & I had such a passionate & deep affair, that when he ended it at d-day, I was devastated. He didn't hold up his end of the situation. He laid down & begged for forgiveness. It was the opposite of all that we had talked about. I told my H i was in love with the MM. We were both sure our spouses would throw us out b/c we were all such close friends for so long. But that didn't happen. I am angry, hurt, & totally crushed. But if he would call me & tell he can't take it anymore & is miserable, I would take him back. I think he is settling for what is comfortable & b/c he has been married for 25 years there is a lot invested. From what he has expressed to me recently, I think he is very scared of what he has to lose. In my opinion, who cares? When you have those deep feelings that you have never had before, you do whatever it takes to be with that person.

 

 

Why don't you let your husband go? Just walk away. You don't love him and you are just waiting for the opportunity to leave him. You are wrong on so many levels, that what you don't realize is you are setting yourself and possible your child up for on e of the biggest falls that you have ever seen. How can that be okay with you to destroy so many people including yourself?

[GPFan]

When you have those deep feelings that you have never had before, you do whatever it takes to be with that person.

Do it! Divorce your Husband.

 

Time to walk your talk.