breaking the addiction to a destructive relationship

[breakupunderachiever]

i have been addicted to the same guy for six years. we met when i was 22 and had just moved out of home to get away from my abusive mother (she has schizophrenia). the last couple of years have been tough. i also have had some health issues and my primary school aged brothers were stuck with my abusive mum so i have had to go back into that environment weekly in order to stay close to them.

 

our on again off again relationship has been terrible. he has been unwilling to get a job. binge drinks his way into strange locations the following day and doesn't know how he got there. is totally subservient to his extended family which is totally dysfunctional - mine is too but i don't LIVE with them or double as their butler!!!!

 

i am 28 now. have finished my degree. have a good job. i have taken custody of my brothers who are 14 and 16 now. i want to make a life and move on from this destructive relationship. i am scared that i can't.

 

i don't want to go back to him or the pain he caused me. i have good friends. but i am scared that in a weak moment anxiety will overtake me and i'll fold. it's been ten days since we spoke and that's the longest in a while. can i keep it up?

[verve]

Straight away the fact about your abusive mother has flagged up a probable cause of your 'addiction' to this man, you are seeking comfort in teh familiar with him, even though he is no good for you. Your esteem is probably a little low and you don't feel others want you or that you could make a new connection with somebody new? Well you can.

 

That must be hard and will no doubt take its emotional and physical toll on you but you must remain strong, perhaps have concelling to work through any issues you have.

 

You know yourself that this guy is a negative in your life and he doesn't add to your life and that you would be better off without him. I think you really need to work on your own value and self worth, as I said I think concelling could help with this, and do not limit yourself, there are so many people out there, people who will value and love you for yourself, unlike this guy.

 

Good luck with things

[breakupunderachiever]

i really appreciate that. having some insight into why still makes it tough. keep reminding myself that the good feelings that arose from the relationship came with double, nay, triple, helpings of bad.

 

it's funny, having my brothers to look after has given me a focus to look after myself (and really truly leave him) that i didn't have when it was just me. i read somewhere that children of mentally ill are usually pretty poor at looking after themselves. i guess that's me. am good at giving off the impression that everything is OK but am used to not really taking care of myself if no one is watching. my ex was a mess and it justified my lack of effort with myself.