A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Hi all....I'm new here.And yes..I do have all my teeth.LOL The name is sort of a joke due to all the fake/faceless people online.And I always seem to get pics of guys with either no teeth or messed up teeth..LOL...so there's the background on that before the questions start. Ok so, here's the deal. I have been good friends with someone for 3 1/2 years. We are actually best friends. We talk almost EVERY day...but we have been fighting a lot lately. We both agree we are very attracted etc.....but he's been with this other woman off and on since I have known him.It sucks. When the **** hits the fan I am always there for him. I want more of a relationship and I know if we got together it could be great. Anyway...we have ended our "relationship" on various occasions only to come back because we missed each other. Then the same issues come back. I know the problem lies with me.I keep letting him back in.I am letting him "friendzone" me, and it's breaking my heart. So I really want to test the Friendzone/NC theory. Right now we are going through another rough spot. I already said I miss him...but I want to just go NC on him and see if he truly misses me. I admit I want him to realize he wants me..but if he doesn't I will know and move on. Guys, how long does it take before you miss someone you lost? I know he will be expecting me to get weak but I am truly going to try and stick it out.Hopefully you all can help me. Any pointers would be great. Thanks!!!! *note* Today will be day 1 of NC.
Mustain2234 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Guys, how long does it take before you miss someone you lost? I know he will be expecting me to get weak but I am truly going to try and stick it out.Hopefully you all can help me. Any pointers would be great. Thanks!!!! *note* Today will be day 1 of NC. I believe it all depends on the amount of time, in the past, between conversations. If you typically wait four days (at the most) before talking to one another then he may really begin to think about you after that time has past.
Author A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Mustain...usually he doesn't even make it more than 2 or 3 days!!!! Even when we've had an argument. But it doesn;t change anything..and I think it's because he takes me for granted on a lot of levels.I am probably the most stable friend in his life..and he knows it. He knows I want more than friendship with him, and he knows the situation hurts me. But at the same time he wants his cake and to eat it too....it sucks Going to just try to make it through the day. It is going to suck this week..I know. But if I keep doing what I have been doing, I will keep getting what I have been getting. Why is that concept so easy to understand yet so hard to grasp??
carhill Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 IMO, the most healthy benefit I've received from NC is perspective. I know this friend-zone you speak of quite well. What NC does is to allow you to step back from the chemical addiction of your romantic feelings and look at the cognitive and emotional reality of the situation. It really has nothing to do with the other person at all. It's completely within you; an alteration of your thought patterns. 1. Don't contact him/her 2. Don't accept contact from him/her 3. Consciously divert thought patterns, yes those very familiar ones, to not include him/her. 4. Set a goal period. By that I mean give yourself a period will you will work to maintain NC with the stated result after that to be completely open to whatever happens. For myself, I set the NC goal at six weeks but went 2 months and the result has been a real breakthrough. I now know I can do this with anyone and that I can truly alter my brain chemistry through cognitive action. It's kind of like a drug addict seeing the light of sobriety. I still have occasional thoughts about the person in question, and likely always will as she's been a part of my life for many years, but they are more healthy, real thoughts, not "what-ifs" or "missing yous". OP, hope it works out for you. Remember, you is the operative part.
nowhereman82 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 The general message about NC on this site is that it is not to get someone back. It's for you. You need to either go NC with the goal of him not being in your life. Or be an honest upfront person (just like you should be in any serious relationship....many people fail here) and lay it out on the line for him, what you want and what you do want and what you will do. If he doesn't feel or want the same then it's time for you to move on, and at least you know. Don't play games, it will just burn you in the end and waste your mental and emotional energy.
Author A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Hi all......today will be day 2 of NC for me. He emailed me last night, about something trivial and I never responded. I know this is his way of "baiting" me, and I don;t want any of it. It's funny.I realized that our relationship is going to have to completely change in order for my behavior to change about it. And in order for that to happen, he has to get out of this other relationship. I can;t be the one to tell him to do that. He just thinks I am going to sit around and be there for him forever.I'm not. Something is changing in me and I feel it. I feel like I am distancing myself from him and it scares me. i am moving out of my comfort zone and it makes me sad that I may lose him as my friend.
nopainnogain Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Hi all....I'm new here.And yes..I do have all my teeth.LOL The name is sort of a joke due to all the fake/faceless people online.And I always seem to get pics of guys with either no teeth or messed up teeth..LOL...so there's the background on that before the questions start. . lmao......
BCCA Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Well, you have to ask yourself how long you want to ride the rollercoaster or relationships with this guy. If he's made it clear over a period of time that youre only going to get so much from him, then take that into consideration. The hardest thing is realizing some one you truly care about doesnt have your best interests in mind, but it sounds like this guy is perfectly fine with the way things were. I would set yourself a goal of NC for at least 4 weeks. If he contacts you, think about what hes calling/emailing about. If he wants to talk, than I would listen, but if he just want a shoulder to cry on, forget it. At the end of the 4 weeks, your head will be clearer and you wont be so emotional about your decision. Hang in there. Im sorry, and Ive been in your shoes before. Letting go is hard, but sometimes you have to to whats best for you.
Author A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks BCCA!!!!! I have been in NC for only a couple days and it's already hard.. I know it will pass but we have not had more than a few days go by without talking in more than two years. I know I need a plan....like the four weeks of NC.I think that's a good start of trying to wean myself off him. I need something concrete I can actually do for MYSELF..and NC is one of the ONLY things..aside from trying to beat a commitment out of him I'm taking it day by day...that's all I can do for now.
BCCA Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks BCCA!!!!! I have been in NC for only a couple days and it's already hard.. I know it will pass but we have not had more than a few days go by without talking in more than two years. I know I need a plan....like the four weeks of NC.I think that's a good start of trying to wean myself off him. I need something concrete I can actually do for MYSELF..and NC is one of the ONLY things..aside from trying to beat a commitment out of him I'm taking it day by day...that's all I can do for now. I know how hard it is. My ex broke up with me for the second time about 3.5 weeks ago. I went NC for a couple weeks, than asked if we could go grab a bite last week. Surprisingly, she did reply, but she declined and said she wasnt ready just yet, and not to take it as being mean. To me, I took that as a sign that its time to move on. It made me feel crappy, and we havent talked since. She never made any effort to contact me at all. But even today, I feel better and better as the days go by. I still miss her and would love to get "the call" asking for another chance, but I've resigned myself to the fact that it isnt going to happen, and even if it did, I dont want anything to do with her unless shes changed. Find yourself a date in the next couple of weeks. Try a dating website or craigslist, and just get out there. Meet new people, make your friends drag you out, just do what it takes to make it through each day withouth thinking about him too much. Its going to be hard for a couple more months, but youll be ok. Life goes on.
Author A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks BC...it's nice to have a guy's perspective on this too. Sorry to hear about your breakup..but at least your ex was honest and didn't try giving you false hope.I know that's a small consolation though.It still hurts. I know if I didn't end this he would probably string me on indefinetely. I have been going through a gamut of emotions today. One minute I feel sad. The next I feel angry....then glad about my decision. It's up and down right now. I honestly feel as if I am breaking up with him and we were never even really 'together"...how screwed up is that??? Part of me is truly wanting to move on....but I admit part of me hopes this will shake him up and make him see how he feels about me. I doubt it will make much difference though..I'm prepared for anything though.
BCCA Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Well, I can be cynical, but I think its more that she doesnt want to look me in the eyes right now. If she wanted to be honest, she would have done so when we broke up. She just wants to take the easy way out. Its better for me anyway. I dont need to be used. I honestly feel as if I am breaking up with him and we were never even really 'together"...how screwed up is that??? One of the hardest things i went through was when a girl I met, dated for two weeks and really started to fall for moved to Chicago on a whim. No good bye, never talked to her again. She was just gone the next day. That ate at me for probably 8 months. Its weird how some things can barely phase you, and others just really get to you.
Author A CHICK WITH TEETH Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Exactly.... I know I should have never fallen for him.But it happened. I miss him so much tonight...I hope it gets easier...
BCCA Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I hope it gets easier... It does, time moves all too slow at first, but one day, you'll be completely over this.
soda Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 Thanks BC...it's nice to have a guy's perspective on this too. Sorry to hear about your breakup..but at least your ex was honest and didn't try giving you false hope.I know that's a small consolation though.It still hurts. I know if I didn't end this he would probably string me on indefinetely. I have been going through a gamut of emotions today. One minute I feel sad. The next I feel angry....then glad about my decision. It's up and down right now. I honestly feel as if I am breaking up with him and we were never even really 'together"...how screwed up is that??? Part of me is truly wanting to move on....but I admit part of me hopes this will shake him up and make him see how he feels about me. I doubt it will make much difference though..I'm prepared for anything though. It will make him work harder to dangle you on a string. He's as addicted to you as you are to him, albet for different reasons. Over the next couple of days, he will send you b.s. emails. He will invent reasons why he needs to see you, but nowhere in there will be a promise of a life together. You are his OW, and he is a cakeeater. He'll work hard to keep you in your role. The relationship will continue to be painful for you until you end it. You and he ceased to be friends when you both crossed the line (you did.) You have two choices. You either need to commit to moving on with life without him, or embrace the fact that you're wasting years of your life on a guy who does not feel the same way about you. I've been in your shoes, except I wasted my time in a toxic marriage. You will feel better when you resolve to this relationship as over.
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