squiggles Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I need some other perspectives on my boyfriend's behavior. I don't even know whether to call him my boyfriend come to think of it, I don't know what to call him. Anyway, I have nobody I can discuss this with so I'm hoping someone here can help me understand. So I have been with him for just over 12 months. He has a lot of positive aspects to his personality obviously, or I wouldn't have persevered with him. But for the first 9 months he was very stand off-ish. He wouldn't call, then I'd see him every night for a week in a row. Then he'd disappear again, and I'll get get is the occasional text. I know that he was still available to see other people and for the first few months I was ok with this, because so was I. Earlier this year he went away for a month for a holiday and while he was away he would email me every day and send me all these texts. When he came back he was like a different person. He bought me some lovely jewelry, he spent a lot of time with me and we would go and do things together, he said he didn't want to go away without me again. Things were great for about a month. We talked about moving away together. Then all of a sudden he went quiet. He wouldn't respond to some of the questions I would ask in texts. He has never been much of a communicator so it's hard to get anything out of him at the best of times. Then he started talking about jobs he was looking at elsewhere. It came across very clear that this was him on his own although he has never said as much. He talks about all of these plans and what he's going to do and it's clear that none of them involve me. He spends all his time with his friends, we don't go anywhere, we don't do anything. I think he would rather spend time with his dog than me. It's like we've gone back to square one. I have nobody to talk to about any of this, and even though I'm in my mid 30s I am completely clueless when it comes to relationships. I don't have many to compare to. And when I compare to others I see some women who put up with the same sort of thing. So there is a part of my brain that tells me this is just how it is. But in my heart I don't think it should be this way. He makes me doubt myself. His lack of attention and indifference makes me wonder what is wrong with me, when realistically I know that there isn't anything wrong with me. I am so low maintenance and like my own space so I'm not one of these girlfriends who needs someone around 24/7. Maybe this is part of the problem, maybe I don't expect enough? Did I not set the right boundaries and expectations at the beginning? He does nothing for me. He will jump to help his friends but if I need something he never gets around to doing it and I end up having to work out a way to do it myself. I don't feel comfortable asking him for anything. I don't feel comfortable telling him what I need. He twists things into somehow being my fault. This isn't right is it? I feel stupid for even asking that, because I'm an intelligent, professional and otherwise sensible person. I seem to have lost my bearings and things are starting to seem "normal". Right now I feel like just walking away from him but I have become the woman I despise and keep thinking that this is better than nothing. I don't want to be alone again as I have been alone a lot in my life, but ironically I feel more alone than ever now. There's no point trying to discuss anything with him because he just won't communicate. Has anyone else dealt with this kind of situation? Any advice? Thanks for listening, I feel better just getting that off my chest.
kingofclubs856 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Sounds alot like the way i used to be with one of my girl friends ... i dont no y i used to do it to her ... she used to love me so much ... i regret how i acted till this day ... anyway i think the reason y was becuz i was unattracted to her .. that is until i saw her .. i would be all over her ... than eventualy i broke up with her ... than i came back to her but somehow she turnt the tables on me ... n it was the other way around for a whole year .... n than it became normal again .. n just last week we broke up becuz of our diffrences i think it might be for good .. however til this day i regret how i acted ... believe it or not till this day ... anyway i hope i helped u ... now if i did help u please help me i have a new post posted n i need help
xpaperxcutx Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 OP, reread your entire post. I think you know the answer. If you are uncertain about the status of your relationship, then it's safe to say it's not a relationship at all. Not all relationships are the same, but almost all of them are about trust and communications. Your so- called bf lacks the latter, and seems very passive aggressive towards you. And that in turn makes you doubt yourself. When you are in said situation it's enough for you to think maybe he just isn't the right guy for you. It shouldn't come into conflict at all about you being alone (forever), it's just he's not the right one. Don't sacrifice your happiness for someone who's unwilling to do the same for you. Most people put up with emotional distance for years because they're afraid of being alone if they break up, but that's not always the case. Breaking up opens the possibility of meeting someone new.
Lizzie60 Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 You say you are an intelligent woman.. so I wonder how you can't see that this guy is a jerk and is just not that into you.. WOW... I really don,t understand how women take so much crap from men.. and still wonder if they ARE the ones who are in the wrong.. Wake up ... kick him to the curb.. it's only been a year and he treats you like crap.. geezzz... what more do you need to see that it will NOT get better... D U M P him... simple..
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