newAtThis Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I am living with and in love with a guy whose divorce was in progress for the entire year and a half that we've been together. He had been moved out and separated from her for 6 months before I met him and he says that the marriage was over long before that. We live together now and his divorce just finally became official (ah, gotta love the legal system). I've met his ex-wife a few times (they share their dogs - each gets them for a week or two and then they switch off - being a dog person myself, I get why he didn't want to give up his dogs just because the marriage is over. And since they live in the same town, they came to that agreement but because of this, they are still in frequent contact). That said, she is very nice to me and their whole divorce was uncontentious. In that way, we are very lucky. My issue is that I have insecurities about dealing with him having been married before. I know that he loves me and wants his future to be with me but I have a really hard time when he talks about things that have happened in the past and he says "we". For example, "when we moved down here..." or "one time, we drove from [point A]to [point B] and it only took 30 minutes". Seems petty for me to get upset about but just when I start feeling like he and I are a WE, he seems to say something like that and it throws me for a loop. I've talked to him about it and he says that he needs to be more conscientious about not saying it since he knows it bothers me. But frankly, I'm not sure it should bother me. I'm ok with talking about things that happened when they were together and even talking about what's going on with her now (since he is in contact with her). But when he refers to him and her as "we", my barriers go up. I'm 38 and have always been independent. This is really the first guy I've let in to my heart to this extent since High School. Maybe that's why I'm being immature about his having a past married relationship. We've talked about getting married and I really want that for us - he is an amazing guy. I just need to learn how to deal with my own insecurities. Anyone have any advice or insights on a) whether or not I'm being over-sensitive here and b)how to get over it? Thanks!!!!
beautifullove Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 In my case, even though he wasn't divorced, he had been with his W for 14 years when we met. So, even though it felt strange when he would say 'we...' I had to remind myself of the history they shared together - it can't be erased. That's not to say it never bothered me, in fact in my case it was a red flag, but your situation is completely different. If they were M for a long time, I guess it's going to be that way for a while until you and him make your own history together. Good luck!
Author newAtThis Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 Thanks beautifullove for responding. We've talked about it a little more and now we're moving on. I think it's just something that's going to take time as you said. Thanks for sharing your thoughts!
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