Unbelievable06 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 My boyfriend and I have been together for 8 years. We own a home together, and have lived together for 6. I hate the term "boyfriend" because it sounds so juvenile, when I truly feel married. A few months back he began conversing with a female coworker on a regular basis. It became more and more frequent, to the point that I was definitely feeling insecure. At the same time this was going on, he seemed to be going through a midlife crisis. Nothing in his life seemed to be satisfying to him. He hated his job, hated his financial situation, etc. He expressed to me that he was bored with his life, but loved me. After a few weeks, I found out that this coworker had been in our home while I was at work. I was devastated, thinking the worst. He swore nothing happened. The phone calls and text messages continued for about three more weeks, but he had started a new job with the same hours as me, so he was no longer seeing her at work or outside of work. Around Memorial Day weekend he came to me, wanting to make our relationship better. He suggested counseling, which we have been doing for the last few months. I felt like we were making great progress on getting past what I thought was an "emotional affair." Last weekend it came out that the 4 times she was in my home, my gut instinct was right. They were fooling around. While there was no sex, I am still disgusted. I don't want to be in my house. I don't want him to touch me. But, I don't want to not have him in my life either. In addition to trying to gain trust in him, and work past my feelings of betrayal, I found out that 5 of my closest friends knew about what was going on. Not only did they not tell me, but they didn't bother to tell him to pull his head out of his ass either. Now I feel betrayed by my best friends and my boyfriend. I feel humiliated. Am I right to be angry with the friends? Or am I blaming them for what the bf did to me? How do you stop picturing the affair in action?
Green Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Ouch that really hurts... I'm going even guess that he did have sex with her. So you want to move on? or do you want to stay togather? The best way to move on is NC I don't know if you need a lawyer because of the fact you guys are practicaly married... but if you want to move on, you best option is to get him out of sight and out of mind... could take while but you'll be fine
Green Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 What are your ages? Why did you never marry? I'm going to guess she is 27 he sounds 30... and she'll say they never married cause they didn't feel the need or something like that
Author Unbelievable06 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 I want to move on together. His remorse is very real. We are in our late twenties, and prior to all this, were saving for our wedding.
astra77 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Unbelievable06, welcome to LS (love shack) and i am so sorry you have experienced this (((HUGS))) If you want this to work, it will take time - ALOT of time. And if you have had counselling before, i would continue down this path with your bf. Do you really want to stay, i mean REALLY want to stay? It's not a decision to be made in the heat of the moment, take your time to nut it all out, but make sure you are staying in your R (relationship) for ALL the RIGHT reasons, not just because you are worried or frightened by the thought of being alone (which is perfectly natural by the way) Good luck sweetie and keep posting, as talking about what you are feeling is VERY important.
ricardotorero Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 I agree, its horrible and you don't know what to do with yourself. To have any chance he needs to come clean and realise he has been selfish, arrogant, ignorant, insecure to name but a few characteristics he will feel uncomfortable with. I would suggest before you make up your mind on what to do, you have to make it so clear on what you are expecting of him: No contact with the other woman Any contact by her and he tells you as soon as possible He tells you where he will be at all times That he will put up with and support you through your anger and despair etc, etc You need to make it clear that while you are making up your mind, if he breaks any of the above, you will ask for separation...and importantly if he does, you need to stick to what you have said and kick him out. Good luck Ricardo
Author Unbelievable06 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 Thank you. We have continued counseling, and the counselor has actually said I meet the criteria for clinical PTSS. He has met all of my demands, and had been meeting them prior to me finding out about the physical aspects of the affair. He has had no contact with her, and is even willing to change his cell phone number to be sure that she does not contact him. However... I am finding it hard to enjoy anything in my life right now. If he does something sweet for me, I can't help but think that he probably did that for her too. I can't stop having mental images of the two of them together. I just feel disgusted all the time. I keep wanting to ask him detailed questions... will this help me or hurt me? How much time is a lot of time? Is it truly possible to move forward?
LakesideDream Posted August 29, 2008 Posted August 29, 2008 Old fuddy-duddy here. Sounds like the OP's biggest problem is what to do with the house. In todays market, that might not even be a problem. It may be worth less than they paid for it. Together 8 years, shacking up 6, no kids... no comittment. Few legal entanglements. That's the way you both planned it isn't it? Committment equals marriage. I realize you were "saving for a wedding", (for how long?) but a quick trip to the justice of the peace would have made it official. A wedding celebration could have followed at any time. The problem with playing house is that often one of the playmates gets tired of the game, or wants someone new to play with. I wish you luck. Trying to force committment after the fact is a very difficult thing to do.
Author Unbelievable06 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 I take offense to that. "playing house" is a ridiculous term, and I don't appreciate the judgement when I came here to try to get support.
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