Guilt, Pain, and Impossibilities

[Shane7]

I, to be blunt, am in a very difficult and messy situation.

 

A little backdrop:: I was seeing a girl (Erin) for roughly 5 months.

 

Things, as they usually do in relationships, started off great, but there were problems from the get-go we both never realized. For my own part, my last relationship ended with me being cheated on. I entered my relationship with this new girl (Erin), in a VERY bad state of mind. I was literally paranoid about her cheating on me or her being a bad person, even though it had been about 4-5 months since my last relationship. This was enhanced by the fact that her old boyfriend had contacted me personally, and swore up and down that she was a bad person, used people for sex, etc etc. It SHOULD NOT have mattered, as one should always trust first before doubting, but alas, this is a lesson I sadly learned after the fact. (As I would also discover later, I have OCD and Depression..factors that obviously did NOT help my lack of trust in her.)

 

For her part, she had just come off a relationship that had lasted somewhere along the 2 1/2 to 3 year margin. (She met me about a month or two after she had broken up with her ex, the guy who had contacted me.) This relationship deeply impacted her and she was NOT, as I later discovered, healed from it, though she claimed otherwise when I met her. (And yes, lets just say her past relationship was very rough, with sex, drugs, alcohol, and mental instability all playing a part on BOTH sides of the equation.. If more elaboration is needed here, I will provide.)

 

Anyway, this was CLEARLY a bad start to begin with, but we somehow managed to keep it all together. Not without problems of course:: For instance, once during our time together, I was a COMPLETE and TOTAL idiot and had managed to wreck my own car after becoming paranoid over her going to prom with a male friend of hers. I was speeding on a wet highway going to see her at the prom, not to start a fight or anything of that nature, but just to speak with her. Needless to say, I lost control of the vehicle and...well, the rest is history.

 

Before this, I had also, like a damn FOOL, dug into her past. Asking question after question..prying and prying.. Trying all the while to protect myself from getting hurt again. (Her ex contacting me, swearing up and down that she was a dangerous person, didn't help matters. My OCD, which I was diagnosed with this summer, obviously wasn't helping much at the time either..but alas i repeat myself.) This made her and her family upset, as it should have:: What I did was wrong and disgusting. I am VERY ashamed of my hurtful actions and have still not forgiven myself for them to this day, 5 months after the fact.

 

Anyway, by some kind of miracle, we carried on from all this. The paranoia and such in relation to her subsided in me, she forgave me of my faults (the digging into her past, the car wreck, etc,) and I was thusly humble and appreciative. Things began looking up again, we grew closer, and had one particularly magical night together, one I doubt I'll forget for quite some time.

 

But, as time passed.. We ran into other problems. We discovered more personal differences between us. We had differences in Religion. A few differences in values, interests, different tastes in music, and differences in conversation styles. (I was a "talker", she was much more "reserved.") We also led COMPLETELY different pasts: Hers, as I say with all respect and NO judgmental bias, was a darker one. Sex at 14 or 15, minor experiments with alcohol and drugs, Was raped at 5, etc. My past:: I was a church alter server, never tried alcohol or drugs, never had sex, hardly had any relationship experience, etc. I am NOT, however, saying I have led a better life. On the contrary, mine has been sheltered and pathetic...Nothing I am too proud of.

 

Of course, we did have a few similarities, some really good in fact. ((We both didn't drink, both LOVED Japanese culture, both were kinda nerdy, wrote poetry (hers non-rhyme, mine rhyme), etc.)) But alas, our relationship came to a climax when, one night, she had admitted that she struggled with an eating disorder, the fact that she might not be able to bear children in the future, and with the fact that she had engaged in sex with her former boyfriend multiple times. More than just once or twice, which was all I was mentally prepared to accept at the time. (Naieve? YES. But alas I am an IDIOT.) Thankfully, I NEVER called her a whore or anything of this nature, that would be completely wrong, but I DID admit to her that I was disappointed with her past sexuality. (Which, I admit, at that point, I had always imagined the women entering a relationship with me to be either virgin, or only having had sex a few times. Again, I know this is RIDICULOUS to expect in modern culture, but I have lived a very sheltered, religious life.)

 

After this, things just slowly went down hill. We attempted to work things out, to talk things out like we always seemed to do in the past, but things felt different this time. She started saying things like, "I'm too broken for you," etc. Eventually, she simply said that she felt "we were two different people" and that she wasn't meant for me or I her. Crying at this point, I told her over and over and over again if it was ANYTHING I DID that had caused her to think this way. If it was anything I did in the past or present. She said no, only that we were two different people and that I would likely make some other girl very happy, just not her. To put it bluntly in her words:: "There will be no chance of having a romantic relationship together."

 

To end this VERY LONG post, I am now left with immense pain. I am at college now and I see her WITH A NEW GUY, on a **daily** basis. (She apparently began talking with this new guy about a week or two after our break.) My ex, Erin, and her new guy, live in the same building as me on campus, though I live a floor above them. Still, given the small nature of our college anyway, and the fact that I live in the same building, I run into her rather frequently. When I see either one of them, especially them together, I get PHYSICAL pain. I feel so much raw, emotional pain, that my body begins to ache. I've nearly hyper-ventilated a multitude of times. I have also begun to have more suicidal dreams and thoughts. One night in particular, I almost began to cut myself, but managed to contain my urges.

 

I feel so pathetic, worthless, and guilty. I DID MAKE MISTAKES in my relationship, and It hurts me so much to think back on them. I am so SORRY and REGRETFUL... I wish I hadn't done the things I did. I wish I could have been more open-minded and accepting (about her past and her sex life in particular). I wish I would have been less demanding and less judgmental with her. I wish I would have been a good, caring man, but I failed and I failed miserably. The What-Ifs drive me insane too: What if I didn't have OCD? What if I hadn't wrecked my car? What if I said this? What if I hadn't said this?? etc. etc..

I KNOW that, by her account, it wasn't anything I actually DID that made her believe we were not meant to be.. But I can't help but to think it was. I just feel so much pain.... Its so hard to even sleep. To know she is right below me, probably in the other guy's arms..

 

Someone..please...PLEASE... help me to deal with this pain. I just want to be a good person. With all my living being I desire that. I do not want to be a bad guy. I want to treat women right, to be a kind person... to be the nice-guy. I don't want to be alone. Please.. Please...help me...before I do anything I regret. :-(

[sedgwick]

First of all, you need to get therapy RIGHT AWAY, if you're not in it already. If you fear you're in danger of hurting yourself, please find someone to talk to.

 

I think the fact that you were "so sorry and regretful" might be what killed the relationship. You didn't trust her not to cheat on you. She was a matter of weeks out of her last relationship when you got together, and I have a feeling you were just too intense for her. Everyone wants a partner who's confident, happy, and who has a life outside of them. If you're wrecking your car to talk to her at the prom, that doesn't exactly sound like confidence and individuation.

 

You're very, very young. I know you don't want to hear this, but you'll love and go through heartbreak a whole bunch more times in your life. That's what you're supposed to be doing right now: putting yourself in harm's way and learning from the times when it doesn't work out. Now is the time to build a personality of your own, to learn who YOU are, and to make yourself the best person you can possibly be so that when you do meet the right person (hopefully many years from now), you're ready.

 

FWIW, I'm very, very glad I didn't stay with my high school/freshman year of college boyfriend. He was a great guy, but I broke up with him because...well, he didn't have much of a life outside of me, and it was a huge turnoff. As someone said to me when I was 18, "Your job now is to try and fail, try and fail, try and fail. The trying is more important than the failing."

[Shane7]

Thank you for the reply Sedgwick. I appreciate it.

 

I AM in therapy... but I don't know how that will make me feel better about my mistakes. Plus, it will NOT take away the fact that I have to see her ..and him...together, every single day of my life. My mistakes and failures are forever before me...forever haunting me.

 

How do I deal with the reality of my situation? That is really what I should have asked... How can I live with this pain and guilt? I DID make mistakes. I admit them. I WAS AN IDIOT...and I DID FAIL...

 

What can I do? :-( Please.. :-(

 

 

 

First of all, you need to get therapy RIGHT AWAY, if you're not in it already. If you fear you're in danger of hurting yourself, please find someone to talk to.

 

I think the fact that you were "so sorry and regretful" might be what killed the relationship. You didn't trust her not to cheat on you. She was a matter of weeks out of her last relationship when you got together, and I have a feeling you were just too intense for her. Everyone wants a partner who's confident, happy, and who has a life outside of them. If you're wrecking your car to talk to her at the prom, that doesn't exactly sound like confidence and individuation.

 

You're very, very young. I know you don't want to hear this, but you'll love and go through heartbreak a whole bunch more times in your life. That's what you're supposed to be doing right now: putting yourself in harm's way and learning from the times when it doesn't work out. Now is the time to build a personality of your own, to learn who YOU are, and to make yourself the best person you can possibly be so that when you do meet the right person (hopefully many years from now), you're ready.

 

FWIW, I'm very, very glad I didn't stay with my high school/freshman year of college boyfriend. He was a great guy, but I broke up with him because...well, he didn't have much of a life outside of me, and it was a huge turnoff. As someone said to me when I was 18, "Your job now is to try and fail, try and fail, try and fail. The trying is more important than the failing."

[Shane7]

Anyone?? :-(

[Shane7]

Last bump...

 

I guess my situation is so difficult, not even the Shack can help.

 

Damn it.... :-(

[nopainnogain]

There's gona' be some stuff you gona' see

that's gon' make it hard to smile in the future.

But through whatever you see,

through all the rain and the pain,

you gotta keep your sense of humor.

You gotta be able to smile through all this bull$hit.

Remember that.

uhMmm, yeah.

Keep ya head up.Yeah.

[Narf]

Im sorry for the pain you are going thru and i know me typing this isnt going to change the way you are thinking at the moment but with time maybe you will change it yourself...

I was in a relationship for 8 years the last 3 years were mentally abusive... He told me i had no ambition no future and i was fat and he was starting to not be attracted to me... Instead of getting upset with him i blamed myself... and started to hate myself for my faults. If only i do this or what could i do to show him that i could be everything he wanted and more... I dont know how it happened or what started the change in me but one day i stopped blaming myself for every little thing i did wrong... I am who i am.. yes im not perfect and yes i have PLENTY of faults but i am still a good person. I accepted what i am and what is inherently me and if he couldnt or didnt think i was good enough then that is ok... Ill find someone else who likes me for me...

 

I did alot of things wrong in that relationship but i have learnt from it... and i will try not to do them again (eg. Innocent till proven guilty) There is more then one person out there for you.. and i know right now you dont see it or dont want it ... but in time you will heal...

 

Im sorry you have to see them.. that would be horrible :/ but try to concerntrate on you...

[citizen67]

Go to University Health Services - tell them you need a new dorm situation as far away as possible from your current one - be honest as to why, people can relate, they will help you. Stop focusing on the past, be realistic - it accomplishes nothing. Try meditation - or praying (its the same thing)

[sedgwick]

Yes, I'd say the first order of business would be to move to another dorm. When I was in college living in the dorms that was no big deal, it happened all the time. Can you go talk to student housing this week and make a plan? I think that's the most immediate thing you could do for your mental health.

 

Speaking of which, are you on the proper meds for OCD/depression? I'm bipolar and when I finally found the right medication it literally felt like a miracle.

[0hpenelope]

That's really hard, bro. I agree with citizen67 and in addition to it, back it up with a letter from your student health counselor or therapist. It adds a sense of urgency to your favor.

 

When you feel like you want to be alone, perhaps that's the time that you need to be around friends. I hope you have good friends who are super duper patient. Heck, if you were my friend and we were on campus together, I'd take you with me when I'm studying. Just to keep you in sight so you don't do anything damaging...

 

You didn't say this in your post, but I want to say this anyway: Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem... She's not worth losing your life for. Please, please seek the help when you find yourself wanting to end it all.

 

You don't have to stay in the building! Please consider an appeal to your housing office to get you moved out. Research it and arm yourself with your therapist...