laars Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I phoned my ex yesterday, we don't really have a NC agreement just a not talk too much thing. We've been broken up for a week now and I was really struggling yesterday so I called... and it actually turned out good because he was more miserable than me.... does that make me a bad person??? The fact that I took more comfort from him being miserable than from anything anyones been able to tell me? A few confusing points though.... I'll just give some details about the breakup... we got together when i was seeing another guy and while everythign was in the open, when I finally broke up with the other guy the damage was done and there wasn't any trust there. I accept full responsibility for that but It hink at some point you have to move on and forgive if things are going to work. And that's what he couldn't do. It meant that during our relationship he was constantly checking up on me, reading text messages, calling my friends and family to see where i was that kind of thing. The paranoia all got too much for him on Tuesday and he broke it off. I knwo this wasn't because he didn't love me anymore (I'd received plenty of love messages from him the day before) but because he couldn't hack feeling crap about the situation anymore and it was hurting me (there's only so many times you can apologise for things). Anyways, so the break up was concluded with "I don't think this (break up) will be forever but i think if we stop seeing one another we can have time to heal and it will give us a better chance in the future". Which gives me hope... and despite him telling me that i need to move on he also says that he still loves me and thinks that things might work in the future. I've been quite explicit with him saying "if you don't think things will work, tell me so i can let go" but he says "I do think things can work but just not now".. frustrating!!! so I feel like an idiot for hanging on.
Ronni_W Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 .... does that make me a bad person??? The fact that I took more comfort from him being miserable No, not a "bad" person. But it would be wiser to find ways to feel loved and comforted that are within your own power to control. Because now it is in someone else's hands -- when he feels better, you are at risk of going back to feeling miserable. So...maybe you'd feel comforted when you hang out with friends, or visit your young nieces and nephews, or go to yoga class, or learn to play the violin. ANYTHING that you can choose when and where and how YOU are going to do it -- any one of these types of things would be a more effective coping strategy that no one could ever take away from you. And would make you a "wise" person.
norajane Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 He may love you, but he doesn't trust you. And that's why he had to break up with you. And he's thinking that maybe you can start fresh at some point in the future, but right now, he doesn't trust you. Are you a bad person for feeling good that he's hurting at the break-up? No. I think most of us want to believe that our relationships meant something to the other person. And you did mean something to him. But that doesn't mean he can actually be with you, so he's right - move on. Maybe you can re-kindle in the future, but right now, it's not possible.
Blindsidedagainalive Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 By cheating on your man, you absolutely devastated him. I know, because it happened to me. The way a man feels when a woman cheats on him is one of the most traumatic things that could happen to him. Let me make it abundantly clear, even the death of a parent or brother is NOT as devastating. For a man, only the death of a child is more traumatic. I researched this, because of how devastated I felt. You see, it's different for men. We have to suppress incredible rage (not all of us can). When we were cavemen, we would just kill the wife and other man with a rock. We can't do this, but the anger and rage is sooooooo difficult to deal with. Men kill over this, so consider his reaction mild. You don't seem very concerned about his feelings. You seem more concerned about him checking things and being jealous. That is extremely unempathetic and selfish. What do you expect? Have a heart. You really owe him a lot of support and compassion. My best advise would be to read up on this subject. You will learn a great deal about this relationship or a future relationship.
Author laars Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 i didn't cheat on him. He pursued me when i was in another relationship. He knew exactly what was going on at all times.
alphamale Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 .... does that make me a bad person??? no it does not
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