She needs some space...

[Slapshot2286]

I've been dating my girlfriend for 8 months. We are a lot alike...both very stubborn. And we fight about the dumbest things on earth, but in the end, we always make each other happy, so its ok. One thing that's bothered me from the very beginning of our relationship is the way we met. She was in a relationship with a guy, and that very night we met, she broke up with him because she said she was bored of him. That's fine. Anyway, so there's this guy in her life, Greg, who she has known since I guess high school. Greg was her dream boy...he's an Air Force pilot (like her dad), and she told me when we first met that he was her dream guy, but that it was just never the right time for them. I've seen a recurring motif that I have gotten angry about before in our relationship: I can't compete with a dream! Whenever we'd have fights, she would talk to him about it. If any of you have seen "License to Wed," its kind of like the guy in that.

 

Anyway, so we got in a pretty bad fight about something INCREDIBLY stupid, and she ended up breaking up with me. I let her cool off for a day, and called her the next night. I'm not usually an emotional person, but I poured my heart out to her. She flat out said "I don't want to be with you anymore, Ross." I was devastated.

 

But sometimes, when you find someone special, you just can't let it go that easy. So I drove up to Atlanta where she lives, and wrote her a card, sent her flowers, and brought her a few things. When I went up there, she was receptive and warm, but standoffish. I had planned my leave to see her over Labor Day, and she had said no.

 

Well, as it turns out, the whole thing is that she told me she didn't love me (never had told me before) and that she couldn't because she didn't have her whole heart to give, since she still felt something for Greg. Where's she going over Labor Day? To see him in Ohio. She said that she needs space, and that she's going up there to see if he's what she really wants, or if what she wants is what she already had.

 

Am I holding on to something that's just not there anymore? Should I give up? One day she's talking about marriage with me and the next she's going to Ohio! Can I salvage this? I'm incredibly in love with her, and have never wanted to spend my life with someone like this, but I know the more I try and express to her, the farther she will push herself away.

 

How do I get her back? I'm dying without her.

[Cherry Blossom 35]

Unfortunately, there is nothing you can do. It sounds like she carried a torch fpr this guy and now it may be becoming reality. That really sucks for you, I know. Once she tells you she is not in love with you and she doesn't want to be with you, you have to take her at her word.

 

Besides, would you really want to be with her if she came crawling back? Do you think that if things don't work out with AF guy that you would want to be her second choice?

 

I am really sorry, I know you are in pain, but you deserve better than this.

[Slapshot2286]

Honestly? Yeah, I would. Because I've been in some serious relationships before. Over 4 years serious. And I have never felt like I could spend my life with someone until I met this girl. And one of the reasons I went to Atlanta was because I wanted her to tell me to my face that she didn't want it, and if that were the case, I would leave. Well, I slept there in each other's arms all night, even knowing that she was going to see this guy. She said she's not going seeking a relationship or romance (she has visited him before as a friend...), but to see if she's dreaming of something that's not there.

 

Granted, yes, she might be carrying a torch for him, but for G-d's sake, she's right. She can't love me if she's holding onto hopes for him! And I know she still has feelings for me, its just that because of all the fighting we've had, she's thinking that maybe someone else can make her happier.

 

I've always known that she's had this thing for Greg, I just thought I might be able to push it from her mind. Well...I couldn't. But if she truly does care about me, she'll go there and realize it was the wrong decision. And if that's the case, am I wrong for taking her back? I LOVE her!

 

We've both said some mean things and all that, and both haven't been happy for some time. I might be a complete idiot for considering taking her back...but I don't want to lose her. I believe that you can really find someone for you, and I think its her, and I don't want to lose that. Even my parents say if I love her I shouldn't let her go. And they've usually been really quick to write off my gf's for stuff.

 

This is really killing me man. I want her so bad. I want to convince her not to go...to stay with me. Just to love me. Whether I'm an idiot or not, what can I do?

[Cherry Blossom 35]

You're not an idiot, you're just in love.

 

So you are saying that she is going to Ohio to see if what she has is real with this guy? Well, if it is just a dream, then do you think that she will forget all about him? I don't know, maybe she will.

 

All I was saying was that sometimes you have to respect others' wishes, and if she flat out told you that she did not want to see you, then you need to respect that.

 

There's a lot to think about here. Good luck.

[Slapshot2286]

Hey thanks for your advice, btw.

 

She had told me that for a long time, I had gotten her to forget about him, but once things started going bad in the last 2 months, she started talking to him again. Which I can understand.

 

My question is...is there anything I can do to keep her from going? Is this one of those, "If she loves you, she'll come around" things where I should let her go, or should I give it my all to show her I care so she won't go? The thing is, she told me that one of the reasons she wasn't happy was because I wasn't putting in any effort into the relationship...and frankly, I wasn't putting that much in. So on one hand I'm like ok I need to show her, but I know its pushing her away when she wants space, but I don't want her to leave! I DON'T want to mess things up with her anymore...I just want to treat her right. I want her to feel special, and loved, and happy. And I want her to share it with me.

[Slapshot2286]

Ok so I talked to her earlier in the evening tonight through texts, and she was going out and I always tell her to let me know she got home safe, and she replied with "This is not giving me space..." so I apologized, and didn't text her anymore. Well she just called me to let me know she was home safe, and sounded a lot more like her old self. I thanked her for the CD she made me (which I'm listening to now), and for calling me, and we chit-chatted for a bit and she said she was going to sleep and that we'd talk tomorrow. She called me though! Is this a good sign?

 

I mean, she has the freakin ticket to go visit this guy in Ohio, but is this a good sign? I'm going to force myself NOT to send her texts or call tomorrow, as much as I want to, to see if she will do it. I know the whole NC thing is a common solving theme with relationships like mine, so I'm going to give a little bit of that. It was so good to hear her voice...G-d I don't want to lose her...

[Jilly Bean]

Slap - I am sorry to hear things have soured.

 

BUT, I don't think you stopped her from thinking about him. He is her "one".

 

I think if you were to ever take her back on any level, you are setting yourself up as a doormat (since she will know that she can tell you that she doesn't love you, loves someone else, can take off to spend a weekend with him, and you will still take her back), and for nothing more than additional heartbreak.

 

But, it doesn't sound like anyone will dissuade you from trying to win her heart. Hopefully that will change...

[nopainnogain]

tell her to take a long hike on a dead end street.

[Slapshot2286]

See I just don't get it though! Like 2 weeks ago, she was telling me all these things right back to me! I realize what you guys are saying...and I've dropped girls before for this. My last girlfriend did basically the exact same thing with some random guy, and changed her mind in the middle of the weekend, but I said screw you and never talked to her again. For some reason, I just have a different feeling with this one. :/

[Walk]

The trick, in situations like this, is to play it confident. Believe you are the best man out there and she will be an utter fool to think anyone else could even come close to comparing. You don't have to actually feel that way, but you need to fake it for a while.

 

You know the forbidden fruit is always the most appealing. When someone is shoving hershey bars under your nose constantly, and there's a resese's candy bar just out of reach... then you want the resese's. Don't push yourself on to this girl. Go out and do things with your friends, or work on some hobbies you've been meaning to catch up on. Have something to occupy yourself besides sitting around thinking about her.

 

And if she does call, slide in a little reminder that you have your own life. Talk to her for a few minutes but then tell her you have to go because your friends are waiting on you, or tell her that you had a great time last night with your friends. Try to make it subtle though.

 

Try to give her subtle reminders that you have your own life. That if she drags this out too long then you won't be there waiting for her. Because right now, you're setting yourself up to be used. She'll use you to cushion her fall if things with Ohio boy don't work out. Or even if they do, Ohio boy is in the Air Force, and he's not always going to be there for her. She'll use you every time she needs someone to validate her when her first pick isn't there. Don't encourage her to do that. You might be feeling like you'd accept even that from her, but there's no need to full on encourage that sort of behavior from her. Be smart about this. Protect your investment in this girl by pulling back some and allowing her to crash and burn on her own.

 

She's in love with the idea of who this guy is. That type of infactuation dies quickly when faced with reality. He won't be what she's dreamed him up to be. However, you two have 8 solid months of history together. Trust in the fact that you've shown her you are the better man, and Ohio boy can't compare to you.

[gfto]

She simply isn't interested in you and probably never was all that into you. You can't change it. Move on.

[Slapshot2286]

Walk..ya know, you've always seemed to have some pretty good advice.

 

I think I have not informed you completely on things, though. I am active duty Army, and he's AF. She LIKES the military lifestyle, so that whole not being there for her all the time, well, neither will I...and she's ok with that.

 

The thing is, one of the things she was most upset about our relationship is that I spent too MUCH time with my friends, doing the things that I needed to do, and only came to visit her twice, when she came here 4 times. I always made the excuse that my Army training kept me so busy, when in reality, she was right. I didn't put as much effort in as I should.

 

I mean, I'm not an idiot, I know that I need to make her see by basically ignoring her that she's being stupid and dreamy, but by ignoring her, its not going to make her want to come back, because that's one of the reasons she left in the first place. So I'm struggling to show her I've realized her disappointments with me, but with giving her enough space to figure out whether or not she really loves me.

 

Now, she called me this morning, and we talked for a bit, and it ended up crashing and burning with her crying saying she can't do this anymore and that she wants to figure her life out. And I'm like well if you want some space, why are you calling me then? And she's like "well maybe I just need to learn to not always do what I want to do." And I replied with "No, you should always do what you want to do, and what makes you happy."

 

She then preceeded to tell me that she wanted Greg to come visit her LAST weekend, but that she wanted to work things out with me so she said no. But now, she wants to go to Ohio to see him to see if its really a dream.

 

I HATE THIS. She talks about marrying me two weeks ago, and now she says people can change their minds. I keep trying to find that one thing to tug at her heartstrings, but she's blocking me out! Why can't I get through to her? What can I do? She's telling me she doesn't want me to hurt anymore and that I should just let go, but I CAN'T! I want to spend my life with this girl!

[Balthazar]

Sorry, I didn't read all of your posts, but the original post is quite enough.

 

Unfortunately, you are in a relationship with a person who does not share your feelings.

In most relationships, one person cares more than the other and in this case, it is you.

The problem is compounded by the fact that your GF seems not to care at all.

Many of her actions are very disrespectful and show she lacks class and compassion for a man who has stood by her.

 

I know this is difficult to do(considering your feelings), but you need to end all contact with this woman.

Even if you get back together, her feelings for you are minimal and you would run into problems yet again.

 

Just try to make a clean break from her.

Difficult, but you're Army. I am sure you have been through adverse situations before.

 

Good Luck,

 

PS - Read Cali guy's post on No Contact