why does he not want to have sex?

[Ironlady]

Hi All,

 

Me and my husband had been married for only one year but we have only had sex maybe 3-4 times in the entire year. I have always been the one who was keen to have sex but my husband just doesn't seem interested.

For those who think maybe he is seeing another woman, i am confident that , thats not the case because he works from home and it just isnt a possibility. I have tried everything from parading around in lingerie to seduce him to initiating sex. It just doesnt work!! I dont know what to do anymore. I love him very much but this is driving me crazy and i cannot understand why he doesnt want to have sex when i thought MEN would always been quite keen to do so.

Can someone shed some light on what's going on? we are in our 30s and its not ED or an extra marital affair. Is it just because he doesnt love me anymore or doesnt find me as attractive as before?

[almost famous]

I think it's kind of rude of you to make light of this and make a joke out of her pain. A woman deserves a fulfilling sexlife in a marriage, as does a man.

 

yeah, this is something no woman can fundamentally understand: Men don't like banging the same chick every night.

 

You'll never understand it, so just take my word as a man for it. Any man who isn't into BS will tell you the same thing. It's nothing personal. His genes tell him to bang other chicks.

 

Which doesn't mean he's actually banging other chicks, just that his body has now told him "This chick should be pregnant by now, time to save your sperm for someone else." In fact, once a man has known you and lived with you for years (or months in my case), he would actually rather NOT have sex AT ALL than have sex with you.

 

Weird huh? This is VERY difficult for women to accept and understand. Evolution baby, evolution. Read my sig.

[almost famous]

It is not normal to not have sex in a committed relationship, sex is a natural part of the relationship. In the first year of marriage, they should be having sex like crazy.

You make no sense, there are plenty of men on here who are in sexless marriages and they are miserable. Now we have a woman who is miserable. It is not normal and it is a sign of something wrong.

[almost famous]

What you are saying makes no sense and you are being very insensitive.

In a normal, healthy marriage, the couple has sex a lot. My sister and her husband have been married 14 years and have sex several times a week, they are very happy and in a healthy marriage.

 

If it were a man with the same problem, you would be dissing her.

 

He married her and part of marriage is an interest in sex with your wife. You are simply being hurtful in an attempt to be funny here. Sexless marriages are a very real problem and not anything to joke around about. They are not normal and it is not normal for a man who is in love with his wife to not want to have sex with her.

If you find her pain at having a sexless marriage entertaining, you are a hateful person and whacked in the head.

[stoopid_guy]

Ironlady, a healthy guy in his 30s WANTS sex. (An older healthy guy wants it to, for that matter.) If he doesn't, he either has emotional problems or he's masturbating several times a day. (Do you know if he does?)

 

You'd also mentioned in another thread that he was unmotivated ("lazy") work-wise. It sounds like he needs proffessional help.

 

Try to convince him to see a doctor or psychologist. You will find some good advice on these boards, but he needs a professional who can check him out in person.

[fral945]

Hi All,

 

Me and my husband had been married for only one year but we have only had sex maybe 3-4 times in the entire year. I have always been the one who was keen to have sex but my husband just doesn't seem interested.

For those who think maybe he is seeing another woman, i am confident that , thats not the case because he works from home and it just isnt a possibility. I have tried everything from parading around in lingerie to seduce him to initiating sex. It just doesnt work!! I dont know what to do anymore. I love him very much but this is driving me crazy and i cannot understand why he doesnt want to have sex when i thought MEN would always been quite keen to do so.

Can someone shed some light on what's going on? we are in our 30s and its not ED or an extra marital affair. Is it just because he doesnt love me anymore or doesnt find me as attractive as before?

 

IronLady,

 

Has he always been this way? I can only offer a few possibilities:

 

1) He's stressed. If he's working from home maybe he's having trouble separating work and pleasure. Some men are workaholics

2) You've put on weight or quit taking care of yourself and he doesn't find you as attractive

3) He's looking at porn a lot and prefers it to you. This could be related to #2

4) He's put on weight or has other physical problems that have lowered his sex drive

5) He could possibly just be bored with the sex you're having. Like the other poster said, generally speaking men crave sexual variety and get tired with the same old much easier than women. Not sure if that's the case with you guys.

 

Depending on which one it is, there are a number of possible solutions. A normal, healthy man that age should still crave a lot of sex. If he's not getting it from you and there are no emotional or physical problems it's definitely a red flag.

 

Why don't you just ask him directly what the problem is? No need to keep it bottled up inside.

[Ironlady]

I think it's kind of rude of you to make light of this and make a joke out of her pain. A woman deserves a fulfilling sexlife in a marriage, as does a man.

 

Hi Almost Famous,

 

Thank you ! It is really painful because i dont know what to do at all....and Cad Rake's comments arent helping.

[Ironlady]

yeah, this is something no woman can fundamentally understand: Men don't like banging the same chick every night.

 

You'll never understand it, so just take my word as a man for it. Any man who isn't into BS will tell you the same thing. It's nothing personal. His genes tell him to bang other chicks.

 

Which doesn't mean he's actually banging other chicks, just that his body has now told him "This chick should be pregnant by now, time to save your sperm for someone else." In fact, once a man has known you and lived with you for years (or months in my case), he would actually rather NOT have sex AT ALL than have sex with you.

 

Weird huh? This is VERY difficult for women to accept and understand. Evolution baby, evolution. Read my sig.

 

Cad Rake,

 

Thank you for telling me what you believe is the truth but the above isnt helping me at all. They are not solutions or suggestions to what i can do. Basically you are suggesting that my "time is up" and my turn is over in this marraige and that i should perhaps invite him to either divorce me and find someone else or we should go ahead and sleep around since my time with him is UP.

[Ironlady]

IronLady,

 

Has he always been this way? I can only offer a few possibilities:

 

1) He's stressed. If he's working from home maybe he's having trouble separating work and pleasure. Some men are workaholics

2) You've put on weight or quit taking care of yourself and he doesn't find you as attractive

3) He's looking at porn a lot and prefers it to you. This could be related to #2

4) He's put on weight or has other physical problems that have lowered his sex drive

5) He could possibly just be bored with the sex you're having. Like the other poster said, generally speaking men crave sexual variety and get tired with the same old much easier than women. Not sure if that's the case with you guys.

 

Depending on which one it is, there are a number of possible solutions. A normal, healthy man that age should still crave a lot of sex. If he's not getting it from you and there are no emotional or physical problems it's definitely a red flag.

 

Why don't you just ask him directly what the problem is? No need to keep it bottled up inside.

 

Hi ,

 

Thank you for offering some useful advice and ideas

 

no he hasnt always been this way. Although the last time he wasnt this way was maybe 2 yrs ago because we were also dating for about 7 yrs before getting married.

 

1) I dont know if he is stressed but he isnt really doing any form "paid" employment" sort of work. Maybe he is stressed because he isnt working?

2) That is not impossible, i have been quite stressed out and we've been ordering take out because i've had to work and do everything else so maybe i've given less thought to how i look.

3) Porn-i thought thats something men enjoy regardless of whether you have sex frequently or not with your wife?

4) I forgot to mention, he's always been on the heavy side so this hasnt changed.

 

There is no use asking him whats wrong because he will say nothing is wrong.

Thanks!

[fral945]

There is no use asking him whats wrong because he will say nothing is wrong.

 

Typical male.

 

If you can't get him to open up about it, is there anyone that could? See if there is a friend or other family member that he might be comfortable talking with. Even a doctor. It's much harder to come up with a solution when you don't know what the problem is.

 

I'm also curious: What has the frequency of sex changed from? Has it been a gradual or sudden decline? In response to what you said, I can only offer this advice:

 

1) Doesn't sound like a likely possibility

2) If you think you have put on weight and not taking care of yourself as much, work on improving that.

3) Most men do watch porn, but if they have an attractive female who is good in bed, most won't watch it nearly as much. Some men on here even go so far as to claim their wife is all they need sexually. I'm not sure about that, but I think most men would take a ready, willing, good looking, and sexually proficient woman for sex over porn any day

4) If he was always a bit heavy it may not be that big an issue. But I know being overweight can lower libido. I lost about 20 lbs a few yrs ago, and my sex drive has actually increased. You'd be amazed what proper nutrition can do for the body.

[Walk]

You also made a post about your husband being incredibly lazy since graduating, correct?

 

From my view point, if you combine both those issues it points toward someone being very depressed. A lack of energy to do anything, a feeling that it doesn't matter, not being interested in sex, staying at home all day...

 

I think the lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem he's having. I don't believe its any reflection on you as a person. Its a problem he's having, and it's affecting you.

 

Has he been to see a doctor lately? If so, has depression been discussed with a doctor? If not, can you push him to go see one and go with him? Or make an appointment and drag your husband in.

 

I'm unemployed right now, and it's really starting to affect my mentality. I'm getting more and more depressed. I'm finding it harder and harder to motivate myself. I'm less interested in sex with my H, I'm stressed, I'm unhappy, I'm kind of angry about finally graduating and my degree is utterly worthless. Those feelings affect how I interact with my H, and it affects our levels of intimacy.

 

Do you think he could be suffering from a form of depression? If it is, talking to him about the lack of sex won't help. Neither will pushing him to be more productive at home. It might temporarily help, but the main issue (depression) is still there. He'll need to address that before you see any substantial improvement. (If he's actually depressed)

[Ironlady]

I really don't think he is depressed if anything according to him, he is having the time of his life (ie not working). I wish i could also blame it on depression so at least i know there is something i can do about it. Anyways even if he WAS depressed, i don't think i'd be able to make him see a doctor coz he is actually an unemployed physician.

Anyways, we finally had sex today after almost 2 months...initiated by me of coz and it was horrible..it consisted of 10mins of BJ by me followed by 15 mins of penetrative sex. My next question is why do men think having sex is about satifying their needs only? Porn obviously gratifies this by only showing the man getting his BJ and sex without any foreplay for the women at all. Had my husband watched porn thinking thats how sex should be ?

I asked him today after we made love, "why cant you do something for me too while we make love" ...He asked " What did u do?" i replied " i made an effort to put on lingerie, to seduce you" and his answer was " what do you want from me ...put on lingerie?"

I cried for 20mins after we made love in the shower.....i dont know how much longer i can take this.

We also had a short discussion about this. I told him my concerns about our infrequent sexual intimacy. I said " lets try at least once every 2-3 days" and He told me " i cant do that, once every 2 weeks"

I dont understand Why would he say that?

I guess maybe the general laziness has extended to sex. At the moment, the laziness infection hasnt gotten to the telly or food yet.

 

Thansk for listening

[Walk]

Ironlady, that sounds so painful. I'm sorry he's being such an a-hole toward your needs.

[fral945]

IronLady,

 

I read your other post too. You just have a lazy man. It sounds like sex is the least of your problems. I wouldn't expect any woman to put up with me very long if I had that kind of behavior. I surely wouldn't have much to offer a woman. If I'm not working, I'd definitely be helping around the house. He doesn't work, cook, clean, meet your sexual needs, etc. What does he do all day? Maybe he was different when you first met, but obviously he's become very complacent and is taking full advantage of you.

 

What prevents you from leaving or giving him an ultimatum?

[Jersey Shortie]

Ironlady, the only way you are going to find out is if you ask him. You are married to this man. You should be able to have some level of open communication. Tell him that you are not happy with your sex life and that he needs to put more effort into it. Maybe there has been miscommuncation between you two. Maybe he is upset with you about something. Who knows. No one here is going to be able to give you the real answers.

 

 

Most men do watch porn, but if they have an attractive female who is good in bed, most won't watch it nearly as much. Some men on here even go so far as to claim their wife is all they need sexually. I'm not sure about that, but I think most men would take a ready, willing, good looking, and sexually proficient woman for sex over porn any day

 

WHat a great way men treat women. Even if they have an attractive female who is fun in bed and actually wants to have sex with him he will still view porn..just "not as much". Well, you can't win with men either way so this shouldn't suprise me too much. I see why women put on weight now. They learned that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

[mark982]

everyone wants to assume that just because i man does not want sex, that he's depressed! Have him go to dr. and get his testerone levels checked,it could be low, or his estrogen(yes in men) levels could be high.w/o getting him checked out, just putting him on anti-depressents is "really" screwing things up.

[Lizzie60]

Hi All,

 

Me and my husband had been married for only one year but we have only had sex maybe 3-4 times in the entire year. I have always been the one who was keen to have sex but my husband just doesn't seem interested.

For those who think maybe he is seeing another woman, i am confident that , thats not the case because he works from home and it just isnt a possibility. I have tried everything from parading around in lingerie to seduce him to initiating sex. It just doesnt work!! I dont know what to do anymore. I love him very much but this is driving me crazy and i cannot understand why he doesnt want to have sex when i thought MEN would always been quite keen to do so.

Can someone shed some light on what's going on? we are in our 30s and its not ED or an extra marital affair. Is it just because he doesnt love me anymore or doesnt find me as attractive as before?

 

What I don't understand is this: you,ve been married for only one year... and you thought all men would always been quite keen on sex... how was he BEFORE you married him?

 

This is quite unusual..

[fral945]

WHat a great way men treat women. Even if they have an attractive female who is fun in bed and actually wants to have sex with him he will still view porn..just "not as much". Well, you can't win with men either way so this shouldn't suprise me too much. I see why women put on weight now. They learned that you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

 

Sorry, truth hurts.

[Jersey Shortie]

I'm sorry men think so little of women and don't really care of love or respect them very much if what you say is true. I guess we all loose. Maybe that makes you feel better though.

[onelastchance]

Of all the comments, I think Walk said it best:

 

"think the lack of sex is a symptom of a bigger problem he's having. I don't believe its any reflection on you as a person. Its a problem he's having, and it's affecting you."

 

My advise to you is this: You said that you would like him to make an effort, this probably won't happen until you motivate him properly. In order to get this man horny, you have to find out what turns him on. Some men just don't get turned on by their wife walking around the house in lingerie. If anything, ask him point blank: "what turns you on?" Once you find that trigger, you should have no problem getting your husband to make an effort in this particular area.

 

 

 

Keep us posted!

[Walk]

http://marriage.about.com/cs/lowsexdrive/a/malelowlibido.htm

According to Barry and Emily McCarthy, "inhibited desire is the most common sexual dysfunction, effecting one in three couples. Desire problems drain intimacy and good feelings from the relationship. One in five married couples has a non-sexual marriage (being sexual less than ten times a year). Three in ten non-married-couples who have been together longer than two years have a non-sexual relationship."

 

 

Here's a interesting (careful, it's disheartening) article from ABCNews discussing the reasons men aren't interested in sex with their partners.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/OnCall/Story?id=4137184&page=1

 

 

I'm quoting this section below because you stated in your other thread that every time you bring up your H's unemployed status he tells you that you're not being supportive of him. I'm making kind of a leap here, but I'm guessing you've tried to talk to him about doing something with his life, or discussing with him what you believe he could do. Maybe you're good intentions are coming across as overly critical of him. Maybe the lack of sex is because he's angry at you for seemingly telling him what to do with his life?

 

I'd really like if you thought about this for a moment without feeling like you have to prove you aren't like this. I've found that the differences in how men and women naturally communicate tends to lead to some huge misunderstandings. Take a second and think about how he may be hearing your well-meant words, rather then thinking about how you meant them... That's all I'm asking.

 

Anger is a powerful sexual Novocain, and 44 percent of the men said they were furious. They felt criticized and controlled, undervalued and insignificant, yet many couldn't, or wouldn't, talk about it with their partners. Afraid of yet another fight, or a long list of things they're doing wrong, they shut down emotionally and sexually.

 

"My wife is so overly critical, in every possible way, starting with my work, telling me what I should or shouldn't be doing and telling me how I should be living my life. She treats me like a child, saying things like "If you don't put your shoes away, I'm going to throw them outside the door." (Male, 47)

 

Clearly, the marriage described in the preceding quote is filled with bitterness and disappointment. The wife has become an annoying bully; he has shut down completely and withholds the only thing he thinks might hurt her. They probably both feel underappreciated. Couples need to learn how to discuss their issues with respect, and to really listen to each other.

 

We have to wonder what benefit each is getting from this seemingly unhappy partnership. Do they find comfort in their assigned roles of nagging wife and henpecked husband, reenacting unpleasant yet familiar scenes from their childhood? Does the wife's constant criticism give her husband the needed psychological ammunition to withdraw from her sexually? Is that something he would want to do anyway?

 

"I'm angry at her because she knows it all and always has to be right. She wants to keep talking about things until I'm sick of it."(Male, 49)

 

Anyway, there were other equally valid reasons that your marriage is lacking intimacy discussed in that article. I read through it and realized that a few of those fit with my marriage, and were probably reasons for the decrease in sex (including the anger part since my H is currently working a job he hates because of me). I think it's important to recognize the problems as impartially as possible, and open up honest and non-judgemental communication with our partners to try to resolve those issues.

 

The lack of sex isn't because you aren't attractive or desirable. And even if your husband is feeling resentful at you, it doesn't make you a bad person.. it just means that you two need to work a little harder at communicating with each other.

 

And the ONLY other option for his behavior (no work, no sex, etc.) is because he thought marriage meant a ticket to being waited on hand and foot, financially supported, and emotionally coddled for the rest of his life. He'd have to be amazingly unrealistic to believe that.

[Ironlady]

Dear Walk,

 

Thank you so much. What you've mentioned in your post makes so much sense and is definitely a whole lot more useful than some other advice.

I agree with what you have said....Maybe its his not being at work and having to rely on me too. It may have affected my attitude towards him sometimes. I also think there is some guilt from his end.... maybe he doesn't want to admit that his not working is really a problem and may have affected his EGO of having to depend on his wife.....

I dun know....what do you think?

What can i do to change this situation that i am in.

[brothermartin]

Dear Walk,

 

Thank you so much. What you've mentioned in your post makes so much sense and is definitely a whole lot more useful than some other advice.

I agree with what you have said....Maybe its his not being at work and having to rely on me too. It may have affected my attitude towards him sometimes. I also think there is some guilt from his end.... maybe he doesn't want to admit that his not working is really a problem and may have affected his EGO of having to depend on his wife.....

I dun know....what do you think?

What can i do to change this situation that i am in.

To be honest, not working and depending on my SO has put a real damper on my sex drive. But she understands and it's not as bad as what you are going through. I'm sorry that this is happening to you. Maybe your husband needs to talk to a guy about this.

[Walk]

I agree with what you have said....Maybe its his not being at work and having to rely on me too. It may have affected my attitude towards him sometimes. I also think there is some guilt from his end.... maybe he doesn't want to admit that his not working is really a problem and may have affected his EGO of having to depend on his wife.....

I dun know....what do you think?

What can i do to change this situation that i am in.

 

You may be on to something. Getting him to discuss something like that will be incredibly difficult though.

 

I know my H has had issues like that in the past, and somewhat current. And getting that information out of him is like pulling teeth. It sometimes helps if I tell him what I percieve is going on and then ask him what he thinks about my theory. For example.. I'll describe actions or inactions of his and what I percieve those mean, and ask him if what I percieve is correct or not. Like. "you've been really moody and not interested in sex lately. I know you're put a lot of emphasis in being the bread winner sometimes and I was wondering if the change in mood is because you aren't employed right now?".

 

Also.. I know for a fact that I get a bit grumpy (ok.. more then a bit at times ) when I'm paying all the bills. Even if my H is doing a fair load of the household chores, I still get a bit moody about it. Which he can pick up on no matter how much I try to hide it.

 

So it maybe a combination of the two issues, or possibly one or two others thrown in the mix. It really helps me to brainstorm all possible combinations of the why's and reasons. Without censoring myself. Try to frame them as a "I love my husband and want the best for US" type of mentality. Mull 'em all over, try to see the big picture.

 

I also find it helps to throw terms into a search engine and read articles written by psychologists or professionals about how certain situations can affect people. i.e. (unemployment and graduating from college, or marriage + sex) Get other perspectives, potentially learn alternative ways to cope with issues, and just gives me ideas on what may be wrong, and how to deal with them. Then I fit those in with what I know of my H, and what I know of my situation.

 

Try brainstorming some possible alternatives. Then when you two have some time, just ask him. Ask him without offering judgement or opinion. Listen intently to what he says. Ask question to clarify what he's saying. Be open to whatever he says. You should get a good response from him.

 

Think positive. You two will make it through.

[Alma Mobley]

I was going to suggest checking out his testosterone as well. Maybe I missed what you said about your sex life before marriage? What was your sex life like before then?