shadowplay Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 It occurred to me a few days ago that I've been depressed for about a month now. Lately I'm tired all the time, not taking care of myself or attending to basic needs, feeling despondent and hopeless about the future. I can't seem to motivate myself about anything. Silly as it sounds I think it's all traceable to what happened with Mr. Harvard. That unfortunate series of events really derailed me. I quit one of my internships, slacked off a bit on the other (though still did pretty well in the end), stopped pushing myself, gained 5-10 pounds. Part of me just wants to get fat and become a hermit. This has happened before. I've never handled rejection well. Actually it's not so much rejection itself but high expectations followed by disappointment that's a killer. When I put myself out there (which I rarely do) and get blown off that hurts like nothing else. Two years ago this cute guy in one of my classes showed interest in me. I hadn't noticed him but was elated when he expressed interest. He spontaneously gave me his number and asked me to call him, but then never returned my calls and started acting weird around me. I was dumbfounded for about a week until I discovered he had just started dating the student who was teaching our class. It's not like I was in love with him, but I had been really excited because he was one of the few guys I liked who had shown interest in awhile. The disappointment sent me into a downward spiral. I couldn't focus on my work; I felt miserable and undesirable. I became mildly obsessed with the girl he was dating, stalking her facebook, comparing her to me and concluding she was better in every respect. (They ended up getting engaged a year later much to my dismay, but then breaking up.) This led to me almost failing out that semester, wasting a summer and flunking out the following fall. All over such a trivial event. The odd thing is I wasn't even that into the guy; it was more that my instincts about him liking me had been all wrong. With Mr. Harvard the rejection was more profound because I had been infatuated with him from a distance for years. It's the same deal where I thought a guy was showing interest (by asking me to hang out) only to be proven completely wrong. Without knowing the reason he rejected me, I'm having a hard time not internalizing it. At this point I don't even obsess over it anymore; the rejection just is. It sits there like a cloud over my daily life. My self esteem has dropped a few notches accordingly. I know people say everything happens for a reason, but I can't find the silver lining in this one. I was doing really well before he contacted me, and now I just feel crappy about myself and unmotivated to push forward. I can't imagine the events having unfolded in a worse way. Why did he have to contact me to begin with? How do I get out of this funk? I am about to move and start school (to finish my BFA), and feel entirely unprepared given my emotional state. I need to stop repeating the same patterns. I just can't seem to snap out of this self-defeating mindset. I just listened to "Landslide" by Fleetwood Mac for the tenth time. How sad is that? Even my musical taste is slipping.
xpaperxcutx Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 SP, slap out of it!!! You can't let a guy get to you like that. You have alot to live for, BFA and all. So Mr. Harvard was a jerk, what guy isn't? But you can't let any of them get you into such a state. Remember that you should be living for yourself, and not let any guy determine your worth. Maybe it's best you stay away from guys for awhile, to focus on career. That way you can always depend on yourself in the future. I've been where you are. But if you start picking yourself up, you'll realize that they weren't worth the weight gains and hurt. Hang in there.
Jilly Bean Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Shadow - NO ONE likes rejection. Unfortunately, we all have to deal with it from time to time. Whether romantically, from friends, professionally, etc. It's just a matter of learning to love yourself MORE than the comments you will receive, and not absorbing someone else's opinion and letting it define you. When I was 23, I performed in a show on Broadway for the first time. It was HUGE for me. When the reviews first came out, I had 9 out of 10 critics loved my dancing. However, being young and so impressionable, I really let that one guy who hated me take over. It affected me for weeks, until finally the choreographer called me out and told me that my energy was off, and I needed to step it up (no pun intended). I told her what was bothering me, and she laughed. Not in a cruel, you're being a child way, but more like, oh, you will be here again! Not everyone will love you, but you don't need them to! I think if everyone thinks your fabulous, then you're doing something very wrong, and not taking risks in your life. Shadow - just learn to process this kind of thing better. When this passes, as it will, you don't want to look back and think of time you wasted being in a funk because of some tool who didn't like you.
almost famous Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I thought your exboyfriend and you were slowly working things out...
pandagirl Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 As a person who suffers from depression, it's a real thing. I am by no means an expert, but one month of feeling depressed is significant. A lot of the things you write remind me of myself at your age. Have you ever been to a therapist? It can help a lot of talk to someone.
JoeNewbie Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I think it is important that you start accepting rejection for what it is. It happens to everyone. You also need to keep your guard up and curb your enthusiasm. If you get depressed for a rejection when nothing even got started, imagine the day you break up after three years? Rejection happens to the best of us. It is part of life. Take it like an adult and raise your chin up. Clean your mess, start exercising, etc.
pandagirl Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I think it is important that you start accepting rejection for what it is. It happens to everyone. You also need to keep your guard up and curb your enthusiasm. If you get depressed for a rejection when nothing even got started, imagine the day you break up after three years? Rejection happens to the best of us. It is part of life. Take it like an adult and raise your chin up. Clean your mess, start exercising, etc. But people are made differently. Some people can deal with rejection well, for some people, it doesn't even phase them. However, I think it's evident that Shadowplay is a very sensitive, thought and introspective person. She takes things a lot harder than your average Joe, which can make her more vulnerable to feeling depressed and having negative thoughts. I just want to make it clear that the "it's part of life" slogan doesn't always cute it. People process and feel differently,especially when you're prone to depression.
JoeNewbie Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 But people are made differently. Some people can deal with rejection well, for some people, it doesn't even phase them. However, I think it's evident that Shadowplay is a very sensitive, thought and introspective person. She takes things a lot harder than your average Joe, which can make her more vulnerable to feeling depressed and having negative thoughts. I just want to make it clear that the "it's part of life" slogan doesn't always cute it. People process and feel differently,especially when you're prone to depression. I agree and I am not being judgmental here. I am not in her state of mind so essentially all I can say to be supportive is "it ain't that bad"...
vonerik012 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Sometimes people believing in depression, or others feeling sorry for you, is part of the problem. Are you young? Attractive? healthy? You have little reason to be depressed. it seems everyone I meet is "depressed" about something. Maybe that is the new trend.
Ariadne Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 It occurred to me a few days ago that I've been depressed... I can't seem to motivate myself about anything...Silly as it sounds I think it's all traceable to what happened with Mr. Harvard. Did you get back together with your bf? If not, that's all it is. It's a weekend and you are bored.
Lovelybird Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 it seems everyone I meet is "depressed" about something. Maybe that is the new trend. maybe it's a 'mordern thing' Shadow, this is why I think woman let man valuate them is so harmful, it's like you give him a high position, almost like a god, and if he loves you back, your value grows; if don't, you feel like very little value about yourself. Until you learn your value is defined by God only and firmly engrave it in your mind, you are going to be frustrated when you meet rejection. why so many women love to chase after men who don't really care about them? they want the validation so badly (if a man give them validation easily, they won't chase after this man), they let men's affection define their value, and they put themselves in a very miserable place. All because they don't know how to love themselves and how to define their values. they are slaves of men's affection
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