chacha7 Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 My bf and I have dated for the last 2 and a half years. We have had near breakups before but over the past few months have seriously considered it. It has been especially worse since he has started going to therapy. I have only dated one other person before him for 2 years and he's never had a gf before me even though he is 2 years older. My issue is that I am not sure if we are compatible because we are very different types of people. He likes to always be stimulated doing something, going somewhere, meeting new people and I am more of a homebody and although I am adventurous and like to try new things, I like to stick to the friends I have and feel the need to rest on my time off from school and work, otherwise I get too stressed. Other issues, we live and hour and a half from eachother making it hard to see eachother all of the time, meaning we only really see eachother on weekends and I get annoyed when he would rather do something without me on the weekends bc I rarely see him. Also he has been working full time since Ive been dating him and I am college student and cant afford to do all of the things he wants me to do with him. I feel guilty if he pays for me and he feels annoyed if I won't do things because of the issue. Also I tend to get very annoyed with him because he is constantly debating me on every little issue, even if he doesn't really believe in what he's talking about and we have different views on things (ie. gay marriage, my brother is gay; the rights of women, etc.) Also he is mets fan, I'm a yankees...just kidding lol. His main issue with me is that I am too controlling over his life, but although I have admittedly been controlling once in awhile, I feel that I always encourage him to hang out with his friends and always try to do things that I feel he would enjoy. I believe that he just needs to feel "free" at all times and is unable to cope with a relationship because he feels bogged down by it. He thinks that I don't trust him, which is untrue because I do, although I have said I don't think anyone can trust anyone 100%, and have said I don't feel comfortable with certain situations he puts himself in (ie. sleeping over a house with girls). He thinks this is wrong bc a person can't be controlled by a situation...I get that but my belief shouldn't be a reason to break up! Meanwhile he just casually says the other day, another big thing that he's thinking about is that fact that I'm not Jewish and he can't expect me to convert but he wants to raise jewish kids. and then he says this could be overlooked if their weren't so many other problems, but since their are he can't overlook that. Also, he hates that I don't "believe" in therapy. The truth is that I find nothing wrong with therapy and think it can help certain people, but don't feel like I need it. I do question his therapist, only because right off the bat he said he needed 5 years of therapy and doesn't tell him anything even though he's been going for a few months. He said if I don't go with him, it's over. I said I would go with him to couples, but not to the therapist that he's been going to for the past few months. He said thats not enough, I have to go to his. I said I would even travel to where he is to go, but if he wanted me to go that he would have to find someone else that didn't know either of us. Then he said, if I didn't go to his, it was over and I said well I'm not going to yours, so he left and I cried and cried. He said that means I won't do everything I can and I need to do something I don't want to do, but I don't want to go to therapy in the first place and especially spend money and time to go out to where he is, so I feel its fair that it be someone else. I don't know what to do. I feel like he constantly criticizes me and feels like everything wrong in our relationship is due to me, and he'll say I do that to him, but I don't think I do! Therapy has made him even more crazy than he was and I just miss how it used to be. I know it can't always be the same and even though I feel like we probably couldn't be happy together, I hate being apart. Whenever we are I think, Ohh it's not so bad, but when we're together, we both get so annoyed. Sorry sooo long...this all just happened! Please someone offer me advice on anything! I need to hear anyone's opinion on my relationship! Are we doing the right thing? Please help me!
yongyong Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Looks like he is asking you to live the life in a way he wants Look, when you are buying a car and you are not sure about the price and condition, would you still buy it if a seller gives an attitude? 'take it or leave it' you can buy the car if you think that's the only one you can find. (you have to adjust yourself to his lifestyle) or you can just walk away. If the seller can't find any buyer, he might come back and wants to negotiate with you (you guys are working together to find a good balance) personally, I recommend walking out of the used car dealer's office like you don't care. Who knows, he might run out of the office when you are about to start the car and offer you a better deal?
Lishy Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I think you should read up on 'addictive relationships'
Author chacha7 Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 Thanks everyone...I would really appreciate more advice. I'm having crying spells all day today and although I know we are not right for eachother, I am sooo upset and confused. He hasn't called me at all and I haven't called him. I've only told one of my friends and I feel like I can't call anyone else or talk to anyone! I am trying to distract myself but little things set me off. Please give me advice on anything!
Lishy Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 The only advice I can give is to keep busy and do things that take your mind off it. Time will heal honey, but that wont make you feel any better right now!
Author chacha7 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 It really sucks bc its not that we ever really did anything to eachother that was distinctively bad like cheat, so its hard to keep saying this is right, but deep down I know that we are not compatible. I actually wish that one of us had done something really bad so that the breakup could be more clear. I just have to keep remembering what was wrong with our relationship and keep trying to distract myself. I hate that everything reminds me of him. We both haven't contacted eachother in any way since this has happened. Does anyone else think its crazy that I wouldn't want to go to his therapist for couples counseling? I agreed to go to counseling with him but refused to go to the one that hes been going to, so he said that that couldn't be compromised and broke up with me, among other reasons...but that was the final straw. I don't think that means I won't do everything I can for the relationship, I just don't think it fair to go to his counselor. as it is I was compromising bc I didn't want to go to therapy and would have to travel to his area to do it. Please give me your opinions. I can't talk to my friends about this yet.
sedgwick Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I think you have major religious and ethical differences that will drive you apart eventually. It can't be helped, it's just the way things are. I think maybe your unwillingness to go to therapy has to do with the fact that you know the relationship's not right for you.
RecordProducer Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Dear Chacha, When we read posts here, we not only don't hear the other side, but we don't hear the entire story. The only thing we have to "work with" is the poster's feelings. You will hear advice such as "dump him/her!" in every single thread. You know why? Because people come desperate and upset and the spontaneous reaction of the audience is "if they make you feel this way, the relationship is no good, then why prolong the agony?" Sometimes the problem is just temporary, sometimes people make a sword out of a needle, but most of the time it's a long-term misery and what makes things even worse is that it's hard to break the misery because there are strong feelings involved. In your case, I see a very confused girl. Your post is very confusing. You start describing unimportant details and switch to something like right off the bat he said he needed 5 years of therapy and Therapy has made him even more crazy than he was It seems to me that your BF has a serious mental or psychological issue, but you don't see that this is the cause of your troubles. You are caught up in your post-teenage world in which having different interests is the beginning and end of both the beauty and the hardship of each relationship. Being different about going out and doing things is acceptable, but it sounds like he is the hyper-type who can't stand sitting in one place for too long. What exactly is his diagnosis? If you don't know, then he hasn't told you the truth (yet), but therapists don't tell people that they need therapy for 5 years if they are generally mentally healthy. Everything seems to turn around his therapy (even his ugly threat for a breakup if you don't come with him). You said yourself that you know you're better off without him. So listen to your reason and your intuition. Yes, it hurts to miss somebody, but it hurts even more to struggle with somebody's weird behavior.
verve Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 My bf and I have dated for the last 2 and a half years. We have had near breakups before but over the past few months have seriously considered it. It has been especially worse since he has started going to therapy. Therapy is bound to put a strain on things as he has his own issues to sort out, so arguments will be all the worse. Bare that in mind. I have only dated one other person before him for 2 years and he's never had a gf before me even though he is 2 years older. Right so you're both fairly inexperienced at relationships in the grand scheme of things and have limited experience. I personally think the more relationships you have, the more skills you pick up and the less incompatabilities you are prepared to overlook and the less willing you are to put up with annoying traits. My issue is that I am not sure if we are compatible because we are very different types of people. He likes to always be stimulated doing something, going somewhere, meeting new people and I am more of a homebody and although I am adventurous and like to try new things, I like to stick to the friends I have and feel the need to rest on my time off from school and work, otherwise I get too stressed. I can see how that would be a problem, and eventually that gap would grow bigger and bigger, I've seen that happen before. Other issues, we live and hour and a half from eachother making it hard to see eachother all of the time, meaning we only really see eachother on weekends and I get annoyed when he would rather do something without me on the weekends bc I rarely see him. Wow that sounds bad, so the 2 days he can see you, he sometimes thinks, 'aaaah I've got better things to do'? Also I tend to get very annoyed with him because he is constantly debating me on every little issue, even if he doesn't really believe in what he's talking about and we have different views on things (ie. gay marriage, my brother is gay; the rights of women, etc.) Also he is mets fan, I'm a yankees...just kidding lol. That must get a little irritating? I don't think couples have to agree on everything although of course it helps if you have shared morals and views. His main issue with me is that I am too controlling over his life, but although I have admittedly been controlling once in awhile, I feel that I always encourage him to hang out with his friends and always try to do things that I feel he would enjoy. How are you controlling exactly? A lot of people throw that around in an argument and a lot of the time it isn't justified unless you're telling him who he can/cannot speak to, what to wear etc. I believe that he just needs to feel "free" at all times and is unable to cope with a relationship because he feels bogged down by it. Thats not good boyfriend materiel is it?! He thinks that I don't trust him, which is untrue because I do, although I have said I don't think anyone can trust anyone 100%, and have said I don't feel comfortable with certain situations he puts himself in (ie. sleeping over a house with girls). He thinks this is wrong bc a person can't be controlled by a situation...I get that but my belief shouldn't be a reason to break up! Has he ever given you any reasons not to trust him before? I think however much you trust somebody, sleeping over at a girls house would put most peoples noses out of joint and shows a lack of respect for you. Meanwhile he just casually says the other day, another big thing that he's thinking about is that fact that I'm not Jewish and he can't expect me to convert but he wants to raise jewish kids. and then he says this could be overlooked if their weren't so many other problems, but since their are he can't overlook that. Sounds like he's making excuses a little bit, I mean c'mon, the things you've pointed out aren't huge problems, more lots of little irritations. Also, he hates that I don't "believe" in therapy. The truth is that I find nothing wrong with therapy and think it can help certain people, but don't feel like I need it. I do question his therapist, only because right off the bat he said he needed 5 years of therapy and doesn't tell him anything even though he's been going for a few months. I find its best being open minded with situations like this. He said if I don't go with him, it's over. I said I would go with him to couples, but not to the therapist that he's been going to for the past few months. He said thats not enough, I have to go to his. I said I would even travel to where he is to go, but if he wanted me to go that he would have to find someone else that didn't know either of us. Then he said, if I didn't go to his, it was over and I said well I'm not going to yours, so he left and I cried and cried. I think you should have gone, whats the worst that could have happened? I don't know what to do. I feel like he constantly criticizes me and feels like everything wrong in our relationship is due to me, and he'll say I do that to him, but I don't think I do! Do you want to save this relationship? As you have said, from your post, he does criticize you a lot and pick at you which must get to you. It is your decision if you want to be with this man, despite all of those differences and mini-conflicts between the two of you. Therapy has made him even more crazy than he was and I just miss how it used to be. Therapy will be forcing him to look at things in new ways, to revalunate past experiences and beliefs so that is to be expected, although it will be change for the better ultimatley. I know it can't always be the same and even though I feel like we probably couldn't be happy together, I hate being apart. Whenever we are I think, Ohh it's not so bad, but when we're together, we both get so annoyed. I think that is the strong physical and emotional bond of love. And sometimes just because we have that aching in our bodies and clouding our minds, it doesn't always mean we should overlook the problems in the relationship. Look at women who stay with men who beat and abuse them. They are so in love they don't want to tear themselves away even though they really should.
Author chacha7 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Thank you sooo much everyone! Especially verve... thank you so much for breaking everything down and going into so much detail. Sometimes I feel like I am crazy bc thats how he thinks I am and I guess I start to believe it, but when I read these things I feel like I am somewhat justified in my feelings. He still hasn't contacted me and I haven't him. It's hard bc I can't stop thinking about him, thinking oh man I really don't want to have to say goodbye, but I'm trying really hard to distract myself, which works a little. I've still only told one friend, bc I feel like tell others it will make it real, and she helps me justify my feelings also. But its still hard. Someone wrote that on these sites its hard to see both sides of the story, but I am trying to be completely objective and unbiased in my writing so that I get the best advice from everyone here. Someone also asked if I had reason not to trust him. Mainly I think his outgoing nature and his constant need to feel like he needs to meet new people makes me a bit uncomfortable, but I try hard to deal with it and try to only get mad if I feel his behavior is innappropriate. One example of things that I have found innappropriate were him sleeping over a house with other girls there after a party, especially since one of the girls who lived there was especially mean to me and my friend on many occasions and has come onto him and my friends bf many times. I had never said don't go to parties there, I just asked for him not to stay over. He said he wouldn't and then proceeded to do it anyway. He said I should have never made him promise not to do it, but I feel that it was a fair compromise, especially since my house was 5 minutes away. I believe that he just can't deal with not feeling free in any way whatsoever and longs for the days when he was back in college partying or doing whatever with his friends every second of the day. This may be especially true since he never had a gf before me so he spent 22 years of his life only thinking about himself and his own needs.
Author chacha7 Posted August 25, 2008 Author Posted August 25, 2008 Being different about going out and doing things is acceptable, but it sounds like he is the hyper-type who can't stand sitting in one place for too long. What exactly is his diagnosis? If you don't know, then he hasn't told you the truth (yet), but therapists don't tell people that they need therapy for 5 years if they are generally mentally healthy. Everything seems to turn around his therapy (even his ugly threat for a breakup if you don't come with him). He is definently the hyper type! He cannot stand to sit and relax, and that is where we are very different. And no he hasn't told me anything about what his therapist has said except that he thinks he needs to go for "as long as it takes". I remind him that there is no finish point in life. He says that his therapist doesn't really say anything and just makes him keep a log of when he twists his hair or picks his lips but doesn't make any diagnosis. I know it can be a process, but I think since he's been going every week for a few months there should be a little more progress! And I'm just not sure about this therapist for another reason as well. His sister went to this therapist with his ex fiance and the therapist told her to dump him because he "couldn't be helped", which I found a little strange. That's why I agreed to go to couples counseling but insist on it being another therapist. Not bc I am trying to be difficult or don't like therapy or don't want to "self actualize", but bc I don't know if I trust his therapist and think the therapist should have a fresh view of both of us.
sandrawg Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 I can relate to a lot of this, esp living far away from each other and wanting to see him on the weekends when he doesn't nec. want to...not wanting to do many of the same things. Truthfully, he sounds ADHD. He sounds like he needs a lot of stimulation. My soon-to-be exbf is textbook ADHD. You might want to look into that.
You'reasian Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 Cha Cha 7, You sound alot like one of my ex-gfs from way back. I am sorry to hear that things are not working out between you and your guy. Your guy is an active one - and as an active guy, I've encouraged my ex-gf to be around me when I am meeting new people - to include her, to queu her into our conversations so she could shine...sadly it didn't work. She was shy and got stage fright - so yeah, it looks like you guys are different people. Don't know if I'm ADHD? As I'm also known to spend time reading silently and learning, as much as I am chattering with others - don't know if that relates...try to put him in stimulating environments and let him do his thing if you feel you cant trust him.
Author chacha7 Posted August 26, 2008 Author Posted August 26, 2008 I've tried really hard throughout our relationship to constantly keep him stimulated. We've done so many things together, it's really amazing how many different types of activities we've done...but it never seems to be enough for him. Like we'll just get back from a vacation and he'll literally be planning the next one for himself the next day, knowing that I can't afford to do all of that stuff all of the time. And I encourage him to hang out with friends, but ask that he try to more during the week since I can only see him on the weekends. I've had birthday parties for him at my house and have went to things that I really never wanted to go to for him. I am always friendly to his friends, even the ones who were rude to me (more cause I have a hard time being really outwardly mean to anyone), and have even made friends with some of them myself. Another thing I hated was everyone he was friends with was russian and jewish, and I am neither, not that I care really, except for the fact that they would often talk about russian or jewish culture or tradition, sometimes even talking in russian, playing russian games, and this would leave me out. This sometimes hurt me but I didn't really make it too much of an issue, once in awhile I would get annoyed but it wasn't an ongoing arguement. Also his friends were all becoming doctors or lawyers or working for corporate companies, all in the hopes of becoming rich, and I am becoming a teacher and when I would tell them they would be like, "ohh and then what?" like that's not good enough or that won't get me anywhere! whatever. Not all of his friends, but a handful. I've been finding working out a lot is a good distraction and luckily my school is starting soon, but i'm definently still struggling and love to hear everyone's advice. You don't know how much this is all helping me. I think I would become insane without this site!
Treasa Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Someone who insists that you see his therapist and picks fights with you sounds controlling, IMO. I, personally, would tell him to take a hike. Relationships are about compromise. He isn't doing that. And you don't even sound that happy with him.
You'reasian Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Another thing I hated was everyone he was friends with was russian and jewish, and I am neither, not that I care really, except for the fact that they would often talk about russian or jewish culture or tradition, sometimes even talking in russian, playing russian games, and this would leave me out. This sometimes hurt me but I didn't really make it too much of an issue, once in awhile I would get annoyed but it wasn't an ongoing arguement. I've been finding working out a lot is a good distraction and luckily my school is starting soon, but i'm definently still struggling and love to hear everyone's advice. You don't know how much this is all helping me. I think I would become insane without this site! Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to learn to speak Russian and understand Russian and Jewish cultures! The best way to learn a foreign language is through immersion - you've got a real opportunity!!
Author chacha7 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 the annoying thing is he would twist everything saying I wouldn't do everything I could to save our relationship by not going to "his" therapist, and then always saying I was controlling, when it was really him...he just doesn't realize anything he does as being bad. I have another example of one of our confusing fights about control issues. I would only really see him on the weekends and occasionally he would rather go to a party, knowing I'm not really into parties or wouldn't want to go all the way out there just to come back here, he would say "i'm going to this party no matter what, but I don't want to force you to come". That put me in a weird position, bc I would really want to hang out with him so it would force me to go, or I wouldn't go and he wouldn't even care. He acted like it wasn't controlling me bc he said "i don't want to force you to go", but it did control what I did or how I felt. And then he would be like "it's not about really seeing me because if that was the case, you would come or I will see you tonight after that party and the next day". As you may have guessed that meant seeing him after he sobered up and would drive out here at like 6 in the morning (and I didn't even want him to drive hung over and tired). And the next day he would just sleep late and if he wasn't already here, have the day was gone! Sometimes he would also pick fights with me before hanging out with certain friends or going to certain events, which I would always complain about because I felt like he was just doing it so he could be mad at me there and do whatever he felt without feeling bad about it. It was like his self fulfilling prophecy... he would think I was going to be mad, even if I didn't say anything except maybe act annoyed that he wasn't hanging out with me, and then would pick a fight so I would really get mad at him. Then he would tell me I would always fight with him whenever he does something without me! Or another thing...once in a blue moon, we would see eachother during the week for like a night and that often meant that it was like his excuse to cancel plans for one of the weekend days or he would be like "ohhh its not like its set in stone that we HAVE to hang out with eachother every weekend!" We still haven't talked since saturday when it happened. I don't know, its really weird. I still don't want to tell people. I've at least told one other friend which is good, but I just don't feel like talking to anyone. Does anyone else have this problem after breaking up with someone?
Author chacha7 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 Maybe you could use this as an opportunity to learn to speak Russian and understand Russian and Jewish cultures! The best way to learn a foreign language is through immersion - you've got a real opportunity!! I have learned a lot (mainly about how much russians love vodka)...and I actually knew a lot about Jewish culture to begin with (I even taught him some stuff)! I have nothing against these things, but I don't want to try to be something I'm not, and I have no problem hanging out with russians or jews, but I don't think the conversation should always go there because it leaves me out. Also, his russian friends complain about America a lot, (not that I'm a huge fan of the state of the country right now), and it just gets annoying. And my bf doesn't speak russian, so he can't really teach me anything except a few words. I just don't know if that would really solve any of our issues. He would just say about the jewish thing, that know matter how much I knew and even if I didn't mind our future children being jewish, that since I wasn't jewish, they technically wouldn't be either bc the mother has to be. The russian thing is more of an annoyance and I have learned to deal with it for the most part. His friends that I like the most are the ones that don't make it their defining characteristic or the only thing they can talk about.
You'reasian Posted August 27, 2008 Posted August 27, 2008 I have another example of one of our confusing fights about control issues. I would only really see him on the weekends and occasionally he would rather go to a party, knowing I'm not really into parties or wouldn't want to go all the way out there just to come back here, he would say "i'm going to this party no matter what, but I don't want to force you to come". That put me in a weird position, bc I would really want to hang out with him so it would force me to go, or I wouldn't go and he wouldn't even care. He acted like it wasn't controlling me bc he said "i don't want to force you to go", but it did control what I did or how I felt. You need to tell him what you are thinking and that you'd rather not party, instead find some common, enjoyable activity and do that. Sometimes he would also pick fights with me before hanging out with certain friends or going to certain events, which I would always complain about because I felt like he was just doing it so he could be mad at me there and do whatever he felt without feeling bad about it. Are you certain that's the reason why he's picking fights with you? If so you should tell him that this isn't really helpful and that you guys need to discuss whether its going to work. I've never picked fights, but a times would rather have my woman be with her female friends and without me if they are going on a 'ladies night out' If she's going to hang out with her lady friends, I'd rather give her space so she can gossip, feel free and do all that stuff women do when they hang out. And yeah, they like to check out other dudes and flirt etc. Its not behavior that I agree with, but its healthy so long as its not crossing any boundaries.
Author chacha7 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 You need to tell him what you are thinking and that you'd rather not party' date=' instead find some common, enjoyable activity and do that. [/quote'] I would tell him how I felt, but he would insist on going whether I was there or not. I would say okay lets compromise and you go for a few hours, don't get too drunk and come to my house early so we'd still have more time together. Then he would say that he can't follow plans and doesn't want to be controlled so much that he has to know when he would leave or how much he would drink. I thought that was a fair compromise, but he just thinks its me being controlling. Our definitions of controlling and compromising are different. This is why I think he just is incapable of being in a relationship. Maybe he needs someone who doesn't want to spend time with him and lets him do whatever, whenever. Also, I have no problem with "guy nights", but he would always seem to pick these fights with me when it wasn't a guy night necessarily and when other girls would be around. It just seemed weird to me that he would always pick fights with me then. Maybe I did act more annoyed those times, but I don't think I went out of my way to pick fights with him. I just wanted to see him during the limited amount of time we get to see eachother. Its not like we could just see eachother whenever. And he lives way closer to all of his friends, so I usually said try to hang out with them during the week. He is a freelancer and can work whenever he decides to schedule appts, but he didn't want to not work until midnight during the week to instead hang out with friends, but thats not my fault. Why should I have to not see him because he would rather work that see his friends during the week. Thats what I do and Im going to school and working. I see friends during the week when possible and save my weekends for him. He still hasn't contacted me in any way. I'm not going to make the first move. He broke up with me and walked out on me crying. im starting student teaching next week, so i think it would just be really surprising if he didn't call me then to see how it was going. im just so glad preperations for that are keeping me so busy. I just don't even know what to say to him or what I would say to him if he called me. I wonder what his therapist has said to him. I have told three friends now. They all are so confused by him and seem to think its crazy he broke up with me because I wouldn't go to his therapist with him and the fact im not jewish, among other minor annoyances. maybe he just needs to figure himself out, but I don't know how long i can wait for that, when i feel like i know what i want in life. i miss him though, i don't know if we can ever be just friends. we were never friends to begin with so i don't know if thats possible. thanks everyone for your help. this site is keeping me as sane as possible!
Author chacha7 Posted August 27, 2008 Author Posted August 27, 2008 If she's going to hang out with her lady friends' date=' I'd rather give her space so she can gossip, feel free and do all that stuff women do when they hang out. And yeah, they like to check out other dudes and flirt etc. [/quote'] the thing was, I always gave him space when he was out with friends. I would not call him when he was out. Also when he went on vacation with friends I would wait until he called me everyday that he was away. I would always say "i know you're busy so Ill let you go", and not keep him on the phone. I don't even call him during the weekdays... I would talk to him at night, usually when he called me bc his work schedule was different every day. I don't know how much more space one could need.
Author chacha7 Posted August 28, 2008 Author Posted August 28, 2008 It's been over 5 days and still no contact. I think I have been good at holding out, and don't feel like I should call or email him first because he walked out on me, literally while I was crying. It's just that I keep looking at my phone and my email...not obsessively, but many times a day and am really not looking forward to our first weekend apart. I reread some of our emails that I had saved and it proves to me that I was clear headed, positive and tried so hard to make things work with us, and he was a very confused person...about himself, the world, and especially who I am and our relationship. Therapy has just made him more confused and unable to work on our problems. I just can't believe he doesn't contact me at all, at least to ask how my student teaching is going. Honestly I don't even know how I would react anyway. I keep reading things about NC on this site and some people are like "they may never call", which I find scary I guess. I never even got to say goodbye, but I don't think I could say that anyway. I know I'll either burst out crying, act cold and distant and angry, or not pick up and then obsess about what to do. Does anyone have any advice on what to do if he does call? I know he is probably sad and hurting too and maybe it is too hard for him to call, but he broke up with me bc he put an ultimatum on me, so I think he should be the one to make contact. I just can't believe that I said I could compromise to go to couples therapy and instead of trying that, he insisted that I go to his therapist with him and since I said no to his therapist for various reasons, he dumps me. whatever. I hope he's happy being single and living without any "constraints". I hope his therapist actually helps him in some way, instead of forcing him to go for 5 years without any advice or anything. i hope he finds what he's looking for...but I don't think what he is looking for exists! I don't think it does...his ideals in life and in love are totally unrealistic, and I feel sorry for him bc I don't know if he'll ever be happy. I wanted him so badly to be happy, with life and with me and it just never happened. The more he searched for happiness, the less he found, and I guess there was nothing I could do.
Author chacha7 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 still no call or email for 6 days. am not looking forward to first weekend apart, but doing okay sort of. Not so busy today, so trying to keep myself occupied...checking my email way too often though, need to stop. its so ridiculous, I got two unknown phone calls last night and wondering if that was him. I'm sure it wasn't, but i just hate that it even happened. I hate how stupid things make me upset, like certains songs or words or anything. I hate that this is a 3 day weekend. I can't wait to start student teaching next week! I can't believe I am saying that, but it will just help tremendously to get my mind off of everything...buts its going to be so hard to get through this weekend first. Ive been reading about so much on this site! its like actually restoring my feelings on guys, like some really do understand relationships and how to treat a woman and want to have close relationships. I just feel like everyone on this site is just so nice and honest and i don't really ever meet these people in real life. in real life, everyone wants you to believe that their love life is so perfect, even when they are complaining about something. to keep up appearances I guess. I'm lucky to have good friends though, I guess I am one of those people to, I don't like to share everything with everyone, maybe just my closest friend. Its hard bc I used to consider him someone I could tell nearly everything to and now he is gone. I just need my friends now and to focus on last semester at school and maybe I will find someone when I am not looking. I hate how he would make me feel like I didn't deserve the best by always saying "maybe what you need is someone like this or that" and he would always say really bad qualities that someone could possess, like someone who doesn't tell you everything or someone who controls you and gets jealous, bc he thinks thats how i will feel loved. NO! I feel loved by the tiniest expressions of love and affection, but i need to see them and i need to not feel like i am 2nd priority or not important. I need to feel like part of a couple, i need to feel like things are going somewhere after dating for so long. I need to feel safe and feel like the other person understands me, my sense of humor and why i get mad, and laugh with me or know how to make me feel better. Not criticize me or get annoyed when I'm being silly or tell me all of my problems are due to my past relationship or my family or because im not religious or don't like therapy or don't want to improve myself. I need someone who doesn't need to psychoanalyze everything so much that they twist things into things they are not. I need someone who doesnt look for flaws in me because they themselves are flawed. I need someone who appreciates me and how hard I work in everything I do, even in every relationship i have. I always try to be the best and I need someone to see that without me having to tell them or prove it to them. has anyone else ever dated someone who just didn't "get" them? what did you do or how did you feel? did anything ever change?
Author chacha7 Posted August 29, 2008 Author Posted August 29, 2008 sometimes this site can make me think things i know I shouldn't, but a lot of people said NC could mean he broke up to persue someone else and now they are guilty and realized they were wrong. i really hope that is not the case in my situation, although i do feel like this breakup was kind of sudden. i dont think he is like that bc he has said before that he doesn't want to see other people if we ever broke up, but who knows really. a lot of the people on here seemed to be surprised when they found out that their SO did something so soon after. I know he is probably hanging out with friends a lot and getting drunk but i think it would just be really disrespectful of our whole relationship to be with someone so quickly afterwards. I certaintly couldn't do it emotionally, my heart needs to be careful right now. I don't understand how those people take them back and expect things to be alright. Good luck to those who its happened to, I hope I am not in your shoes! I have a question on jealousy though...i would get jealous of my bf occasionally but not so often and with good reason when it did happen although he never seemed to think so. He said he knew how to not cross the line, whatever. he would always think i was sooo jealous though, which I wasn't and would say things to me like "oh you prbably are jealous bc you don't trust yourself around other guys!", which I found ridiculous. I do not in any way flirt with and or even talk to other guys, unless i have to at school for like a project or something. and then he would like NEVER get jealous of me ever. Deep down I wondered if maybe he didn't find me attractive enough to feel jealous about. Ive told him that and he just says no and that I need someone to always feel jealous about me like my ex ex bf (which was like an abusive sort of jealousy which I do NOT like). Anyway since he like never acted jealous, he would blow the few times I was jealous way out of proportion. He would never be flattered by it and would tell me I was flawed for feeling that way. when i would ask other people about the scenarios, in fact I did once on this site, I would get everyone saying that they would be jealous too in those situations. I guess I was wondering if a guy never gets jealous even in just like a small way (which I think is cute, and I know abusive and I hate that), does that mean he doesn't find you attractive enough to worry about. Also you know with that whole "He's just not that into you" stuff that is going around with that book? Does anyone think that he is just not that into me by reading all of these posts? Does anyone believe in horoscope compatibility? I am a capricorn, he is a gemini. I think how astrology describes our personalities is like dead on (me hardworking and stable, needs to feel loved; him communicative flirty everchanging flighty)and it thinks our match is very difficult, and all of the problems it describes are the same, such as me feeling unsettled by his constant wishy washyness about his life and constant need to be around people...has this ever happened to someone?
Author chacha7 Posted August 30, 2008 Author Posted August 30, 2008 has anyone ever kept NC but called the ex's best friend just to see how they were doing so that they didn't actually have to talk with them and break NC? Did it make you feel better in some way...maybe to know they were over you or not? It would probably just make things more confusing, I know, but I was thinking about it I guess. Not planning on doing it for awhile but its in the back of my head and if someone had a back experience, like it sent them into a tailspin of depression, please let me know so I don't do it!
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