Possesive, clingy, jealous.. How to break her of it ?

[mixwell]

Okay I have been with my girl for 3 months now (she is 19 and I'm 25) Anyways My girl is very possesive, jealous and clingy. She has said things before like she would do anything to be with me and she is always sooo eager to do WHATEVER it takes to be with me. We hang out almost everyday and I feel like at times she gets angry when I tell her there is a day I want to be by myself or hang out with my friends and not see her at night. Her thing is that she doesn't mind but wants to see me at night time to sleep over. I feel like when I tell her I'm going to hang out with my friends and I don't know when I will be home she goes nuts. I feel like I shouldn't have to "check" in with her and that when I say "I'm going to a bar or whatever with my friends" that that should be enough. Instead she asks when are you going to be home etc and I say I'm not sure...She basically admits that she alters things in her life or schedule to make time for me and doesn't feel like I do for her.

 

On the other hand I have my friends complaining to me that I don't really hang out anymore etc... My girl feels like I'm trying to give her the whole "I need my space" speech when we've only been together a few months. I told her that I am a very independant person and that when I saw that, its nothing to do with her but just how I am. I guess I'm feeling a little closed off and like she wants me to spend ALL of my time with her when there are times I just want to hang out alone or go out with my friends. She is crazy jealous of other girls and got really pissed off about one of my ex's that I kinda talked to even though we were just friends and nothing more.

 

My questions is how can I break her of this and still let her know that I'm not sick of her and do want to be with her. We've had the discussion before but I feel like I really need to sit her down and let her know how serious it is and how much it is pushing me away. I have told her before that she should be confident in the fact that I tell her I want to be with her and only her and that there was a reason I wasn't in a relationship for 4 years and I have told her that she is only the 2nd girl I have told "I love you" She knows I am legit but still seems insecure and un-trusting when it comes to me going out with friends and such... I am feeling very cornered at times with her because she wants to be together ALL the time and doesn't want to accept anything less.. Any advice is much appreciated. !! Thanks in advance.

 

Peace

[EYECANDY000]

To have "the " talk and your 3 months into the relationship, doesnt seems like a good sign. It seems that she doesnt understand that you need your time as well, and you need to stress that to her.

 

Also, it seems she may be a little insecure because of the age difference. Im sure she can get irritable knowing that she cant accompany you to bars and so forth.

[mixwell]

To have "the " talk and your 3 months into the relationship, doesnt seems like a good sign. It seems that she doesnt understand that you need your time as well, and you need to stress that to her.

 

Also, it seems she may be a little insecure because of the age difference. Im sure she can get irritable knowing that she cant accompany you to bars and so forth.

 

I have had a few people tell me that it is the age difference. I know she is insecure but is that something that she can be broken of or is it just an age thing ? I can see where it would make the person feel crappy to say that you don't want to be around them. I guess Im a very laid back person and easy going that I don't like when people are too needing or uptight. I feel like I'm okay with everything she does. I wouldn't like her going to a club but I trust her enough and I feel like actions speak louder than words. She takes my laid back and easy going as I don't care which isn't true.

 

I know she likes to dress sexy and when she says shes going out with her friends I don't question it at all. She usually tells me where shes going and calls me when she gets there although I don't ask her to do so. I've told her when it comes to going out that " I feel that you are into me enough and want to be with me that you wouldn't F**k around" I say if you did then it would let me know that you aren't serious about us and I would drop her if that was the case. Like I said I believe more in actions over words. I guess our thoughts on that are completely opposite.

 

I have been single for 4 years and I am not used to having to explain or answer to anyone when wanting to do what I want. I know a relationship is different but I feel like there is too much I do that she isn't cool with and I feel like I have to walk on eggshells at times in order to not cause problems. I really need to figure out a way to explain this to her because it is really leaving a negative feeling on our relationship and I don't like it. I do want to work things out with her and out of the 4 years I've been single (I've dated in between but no "girlfriend" titles) she is the 1st chick since my ex girlfriend 4 years ago that I felt comfortable enough with and interested in to want to take it further. Thanks for the input !! ^_^

[reservoirdog1]

I'm sorry to say, but I don't think this is something you can change in her. Clinginess, jealousy and possessiveness towards one's partner tend to come from places that are deeply personal, whether the product of past experience or simply how the person is wired.

 

It's possible I'm wrong about that. But you should proceed on the expectation that's it's not going to change. Then you need to ask yourself whether or not the jealousy and possessiveness are things you can accept and learn to live with, or if they're going to leave you stifled and trapped.

 

I recently ended a relationship that had started out very much like yours did. She and I ended up breaking up after 4 months, because of very similar issues. However, we got back together after 2 months, and the problems never went away. I finally reached my limit with it, and I've been happier ever since.

[georgejungle]

NOTHING will changer her, i know this from experience.

Once a clingy, possesive gal, always a clingy, possesive

Gal.

 

They can't help it, they just get paranoid. Seems like too

much work already in such a "new" relationship. She's only

19 dude, she has some needy type issues. If you don't

have the patience for it, end the relationship now, seriously.

 

I am not kidding either, it's hard to change a girl like this. it's

a low self esteem kinda thing and those types of things don't

just change overnight. Takes A LOT of work and if you don't

have the patience for it and don't want to have the guilt trips

thrown on you when you're trying to be reasonable and as

accomadating to her as you can, then i'd say end it. Just make

sure you're doing what YOU can to make things even. If she's

not willing to chill, leave.

[You'reasian]

You guys have only been dating for a few months?

 

Well, how do you earn her trust?

[AAlike]

wow you guys are harsh - the girl is 19 for god's sakes!!

 

of course she's jealous when you go out to the bar - considering she CAN'T do so on her own...it probably makes her feel like a little kid! plus, she hasn't had the "bar" period of her own, she probably has this perception of bars that is a tad sensationalized.

[I Luv the Chariot OH]

mixwell: most 19-year-olds are in an entirely different life-realm than adults in their mid-twenties (and judging from what you've written, this girl is no certainly exception). However, I'm going to disagree with most of these posters and say that it IS possible to change--in a lot of cases, possessiveness/jealousy are a result of immaturity and lack of experience in relationships. I think there's a chance she will naturally grow out of this, but in the meantime, you definitely don't need to accept or condone it (and indeed, should not).

 

AAlike: that's assuming the OP is American, as I'm pretty sure American is the only country with the ridiculous 21-year legal drinking age.

[AAlike]

mixwell: most 19-year-olds are in an entirely different life-realm than adults in their mid-twenties (and judging from what you've written, this girl is no certainly exception). However, I'm going to disagree with most of these posters and say that it IS possible to change--in a lot of cases, possessiveness/jealousy are a result of immaturity and lack of experience in relationships. I think there's a chance she will naturally grow out of this, but in the meantime, you definitely don't need to accept or condone it (and indeed, should not).

 

AAlike: that's assuming the OP is American, as I'm pretty sure American is the only country with the ridiculous 21-year legal drinking age.

 

true, I assumed that - but I figured if she could go, why isn't he taking her to the bar once in a while...haha...

[quankanne]

RED FLAGS!

 

doesn't matter if she 19 or 29, possessiveness and clingy-ness are not traits easily overcome. And frankly, if she's like this three months into the relationship, I don't think it's going to improve, because if she fails to understand your desire/need for time alone, she's not capable of being in a mature relationship where couples spend time apart. Granted, her mindset is still probably in high-school dating mode, that doesn't mean you should encourage it by trying to be "nice" about it.

 

if you want or need time alone, say so. Be gentle, but firm, and tell her that every relationship needs elbow room no matter HOW well the couple gets along.

 

frankly, though, I think this relationship has potential for disaster unless she starts reining in those tendencies of hers that want to make her be your conjoined twin!

[mixwell]

Yes I am located in the US (Cali to be exact) I know it is probably an age issue but she has been through a lot this last year (marrage, moved in with a guy, got divorced) She says she wished she'd met me before that but I have talked to her and a lot of her other b/f's had that crazy jealous mentality. I guess she is used to it and it means that you care when you act like that which I don't agree with. Anyways I'm working on it with her and trying to explain my position but for now I will take the good times for what they're worth and if it doesn't work I can't say that I never tried..

 

Peace