fazleta Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Just four months ago a man I knew over 30 years ago contacted me. He and I were "unfinished" business and I had always always had feelings for him. But - and here it's hard to share this, but I need to so you are aware if you are going to respond to this post - I got pregnant by him and had a termination, I was very young. He did ask me to marry him. But I said he was just trying to do the "decent' thing and had a termination. Over the years I have thought about him often - so when I heard from him via email my heart flipped Seems he was not very happy in his marriage and mine was an emotional mess. We met and both were completely utterly bowled over with each other.There started an intense and passionate love affair, without the sex. I and he were overwhelmed with our feelings for each other. We talked about things and I decided as we had a house move going on to split from my husband. A man that had never done me much harm but was never "there" for me, being far too involved with his career to bother with me or the children. It was a loveless marriage. So, my new man says he intends to leave his wife. When the house is done, when it is sold, he is going to walk... do you know,just writing this is almost making me laugh at my stupidity. For I have done the action and he hasn't... and now he leaves on a holiday previously arranged with his wife for the childrens "last" holiday. They are young adults. I seriously doubt he will ever leave and it's hurting like hell. I need to find the strength to tell him to walk until he has broken from his wife.However I know he truly loves me, and I haven't wanted to pressure him at such an early stage in our relationship. So, what are the chances for us. We appear at the moment to be competely besotted and in total love with each other, but I am so so scared...please give me some non judgmental advice, I know it will be impossible to know of the outcome. I just need reassurance that I am not making a stupid utter fool of myself pl
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Seems he was not very happy in his marriage and mine was an emotional mess It's too bad he didn't contact you AFTER he divorced his wife. Seems to me, he is/was just looking for a re-connection with you, and allowing it to turn into an affair so he could stay married, and have you on the side. You left your husband for this guy and he all along had no plans to leave his wife and kids. Not judging you, but I suggest you look after yourself and your children. Tell this guy to call you when his divorce is final, and go no contact with him. DO NOT settle to be his OW on the side. If he is serious about you and wanting a future with you, he will divorce his wife quickly and sort out custody. But, hate to say it, chances of him doing that is very slim because he reached out to you BEFORE he ended his marriage. You also don't know for sure if he is telling you the truth, there's a good chance things aren't half as bad as he's made it out to be.
Author fazleta Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 I think things are not as bad as he makes out.I know he doesn't love his wife in the way he loves me, but he admitted he had been happy but i had "shown him a new level of happiness" He is at this moment out to dinner with his wife at a friends house and for all I know is playing happy families all the time.... and he lets drop "he" is doing this, "he" is doing that, when in fact I know "they" are doing them. i asked him to be completely honest and tell me whether they were still sleeping together, guess the answer????
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I know he doesn't love his wife in the way he loves me How do you know this? You haven't heard from him in 30 years and he looks you up suddenly. He may have feelings for you, but he hasn't built his life around you. Sorry but I think you're fooling yourself, allowing the fantasy perfect ending that he'll leave her and come to you, take over.. If he has been so miserable in his marriage and loved you, not his wife, then why after all these years is he still married? You two are living off the high that an affair brings on. Intense feelings, sneaking around, crush-like and lust feelings too. Ha, I bet he told you they haven't had sex in years. Don't believe him. They have sex and they sleep in the same room. This is your choice but I hope you really take time to think about WHY you're allowing yourself to get re involved with him while he's still married. Don't listen to what your heart and body wants. Read other threads in this section and also in the infidelity section so you can see the pain that you'll be helping him inflict on his wife and kids, being his affair partner. Remember, this man is LYING and deceiving his wife, so don't fool yourself into thinking he wouldn't lie or omit the truth, bend the truth to suit him best.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 1.) and now he leaves on a holiday previously arranged with his wife for the childrens "last" holiday. They are young adults. 2.) I seriously doubt he will ever leave and it's hurting like hell. I need to find the strength to tell him to walk until he has broken from his wife.However I know he truly loves me, and I haven't wanted to pressure him at such an early stage in our relationship. these two things are jumping out at me. 1) generally speaking - wife sensed something's "off" and scheduled a vaction to "reconnect" he went - because he knows that will keep her happy and he can continue on with you also interesting to note - men don't generally go anywhere unless they want to.... hmmmmm 2) he's going to keep you right where you are for as long as he can radical changes for someone in this position would normally have been made already - were it so bad "at home" he was not playing fair to contact you at all. he was being selfish. selfish to his wife, family, friends and to you. i'd drop him and just be happy to be on your own. he will bring you nothing but pain for the future...
wildsoul Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 You're in a powerful position of choice. You left your "loveless" marriage. If ever there was a good time to take a stand for having more love, not less, the time is now. Ask anyone here who's been in an affair, and they will tell you that you get less. Way less. Lots and lots of hope. Some powerful highs. But at the end of the day, he still goes home to his wife. For a short while, it seems like it might be worth waiting for. But what usually happens is you just get more and more upset at having less. You could look at him as your catalyst. He got you motivated to seek more. You took action towards having more. If you let him go now, you'll be so much farther ahead. Maybe then (and usually only then) he might decide to meet you down the road.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 I think things are not as bad as he makes out.I know he doesn't love his wife in the way he loves me, but he admitted he had been happy but i had "shown him a new level of happiness" He is at this moment out to dinner with his wife at a friends house and for all I know is playing happy families all the time.... and he lets drop "he" is doing this, "he" is doing that, when in fact I know "they" are doing them. i asked him to be completely honest and tell me whether they were still sleeping together, guess the answer???? he isn't capable of complete honesty or he would've told his W already. yes he doesn't love you the same - they have been together longer with a lot of history and endurance under their relationship belt. uuuum, ya - he's playing happy family. and ya, he's sleeping with his wife - that's usually the highlight of vacation time and part of the reconnecting. be real with yourself when you consider asking loaded questions... you are setting him up to consistently lie to you as well = pain and heartache from disappointments.
GreenEyedLady Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 So, what are the chances for us. We appear at the moment to be competely besotted and in total love with each other, but I am so so scared...please give me some non judgmental advice, I know it will be impossible to know of the outcome. I just need reassurance that I am not making a stupid utter fool of myself pl What do you want from the R? No one knows the chances for any given person. R's are a risk. Sometimes they work sometimes they don't. Decide what you want from the R. Is it meeting your needs? Then go from there.
nadiaj2727 Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Hi there fazleta, I'm sorry but he seems to be giving you the standard lines that men use when they cheat. If you google separated men, dating a married man, married boyfriend, etc., you will find lots of women in the same boat as you. In fact, many of the links will probably lead you back here to the Other Woman forum, unfortunately. The question is, do you want to be the Other Woman? You don't sound happy in this situation. I think you deserve more. Words are one thing, actions are another. He has proven he is able to cheat on and deceive his wife. And so far his actions to *you* haven't matched his words, either. I would like to ask you, what would be wrong with telling him that you are not available to him while he is still married? You don't want to be his side plate, you know you deserve to be someone's main course. I wouldn't persuade him to leave, because that makes you look desperate and isn't right because he is already married to someone else and it seems you are the kind of person who respects marriage, so, respect their marriage until it is completely over. I agree with wildsoul that you are at an important crosswords. You got out of a bad relationship and now you can be a happy person doing the right thing, or you can continue to be tormented like this and letting this man's actions (or inactions) dictate your feelings and happiness. I vote for you being a great person all on your own, and if he ever does really get divorced, then he might be the man for you. As it is, he is *not* the man for you, IMHO. Best wishes and hugs. I know this situation sucks but just realize YOU have control over your own destiny.
Author fazleta Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 Wow. So many people bothered to reply and I am so grateful.Thankyou. I felt I was truly on my own with this situation. I know - after a long marriage - that I need to find myself and not be reliant on another man, at least for a period of time. I too wonder why he hasn't at least told his wife. He says he is a "decent" guy and I know he is, although you may be raising your eyebrows at this. He says they have spoken about their marriage and he has told her he doesn't love her. He says he is doing it slowly because he is so devoted to his kids and wants to cause the least upset to them. But I reckon how would they think that he has taken them away for their last holiday as a family for him to turn round and then leave them a few months later? I reckon they would be angry and confused. So - some really useful posts. I particularly agree about not pressurising him into the when are you leaving type of conversations. I reckon the only way forward is to be the "other" woman or tell him to go away until he has put some action in. Gosh, it's so hard to do that isn't it, so terribly hard. I have huge pangs of guilt toward his wife too. It is not a position I am proud to be in - a marriage wrecker, a wife stealer. It's making me feel wretched some of the time. But when I see him all those thoughts vapourise... this position has been bought on by myself, i am now suffering the consequences of my actions.
pelicanpreacher Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Since your divorce has your ex-husband made any attempt to reconnect with you and the children. Now that he's lost half of everything he's worked for, pays child support, and perhaps alimony I'd think this wakeup call would have inspired him to at least try to salvage something out of this, no? I'm not bashing but just wondering how your ex-husband reacted throughout this traumatic experience?
Author fazleta Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 We aren't divorced, we are just seperated. It was only six weeks ago....We have both moved to the same town, he is devestated and tearful. And I feel like the bitch from hell. But but but I had tried to tell him for so long how unhappy I was. Not interested. I know in my heart it is over for us both. He is this weekend meeting a woman he met up with a couple of months ago so as I write this, he could well be in another very early relationship already I have taken the barest minimum from the marriage, a cheaper house than he bought, a lump sum so I can live in the most minimum way, and he now has his salary which is way in excess of what I will have and his own house. No child support, they are both self supporting now. Mainly! I have been villified by some of my family for leaving this "nice" guy. I sort of feel wretched, sort of feel free. Am I sounding in a mess and confused? I am. I have just prayed that I have the strength and courage to do what is right.
phoenixrising Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Fazleta - I agree with all the posters here... think about what YOU want and what would make you happy. Based on my experience, I do believe my xMM loves me, as well. But for a man to leave a long term marriage is very difficult. To try to get some advice, I had long talks with men whose wives left them after long-term affairs. They told me they would not leave, but were relieved when the wife left. Some of these men have left single OW in their wakes, and are hoping to find a MW so that they will be in the "same situation", with neither pushing the other to leave, due to their commitments. I wonder if that's the situation with this guy... does he know you left your H? Is your affair only a cyber affair at this point? Have you seen him?
phoenixrising Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 Excuse me, Fazleta, just re-read, and see that you have met him in person. My advice is to go NC now, explain that your relationship can't grow to its full potential while he is married, and adjust to your new status as an unmarried woman. You will change a lot over the next year or two, believe me... you need time to figure out who you are before jumping into this relationship further. If it is meant to be, he will leave, and nothing will stop you from being together.
tangled_webofclarity Posted August 25, 2008 Posted August 25, 2008 i was looking for a comment from someone thats experienced life, found this one and thought i take a chance. this is my first post, my first effort to get some help/support for an absurd situaton i have cultivated by my big self. i am in pain. have been the last couple of weeks after having some realizations about the whole thing. it is so easy for me to tell you to 'just let go' and find someone else. . i can't do it. i imagine my foolishness sets the bar. i've been having an affair , if you can call it that, for 8 years with a married woman.. and i'm a married man. she tells all the supporting stuff you need to here but but but she won't leave . thats what is killing me now. i've gotten panicky over the fact that my life is slipping thru my hands, i've not managed my love relations well, should have split 20 years ago but kept in it for various reasons , some 'noble' and some not so noble. i have an ineffable feeling of compassion for my mate.. but am bored out of my mind, and simply do not get what i need so so much in order for me to be a balanced individual. but i'm so ridiculously enslaved to 'tradtion'. ok . so here's my advice.. you know what , if my true love came to me and said she was ready to go .. i would, knowing full well it won't be pleasant in the short run , but also knowing if i, me, my self, am ever going to enjoy what is the best one can hope for .. then I WIL DO IT. not a difficult choice. i realized that a couple of weeks ago.. and the pain began.
nadiaj2727 Posted August 26, 2008 Posted August 26, 2008 Wow. So many people bothered to reply and I am so grateful.Thankyou. I felt I was truly on my own with this situation. I know - after a long marriage - that I need to find myself and not be reliant on another man, at least for a period of time. I too wonder why he hasn't at least told his wife. He says he is a "decent" guy and I know he is, although you may be raising your eyebrows at this. He says they have spoken about their marriage and he has told her he doesn't love her. He says he is doing it slowly because he is so devoted to his kids and wants to cause the least upset to them. But I reckon how would they think that he has taken them away for their last holiday as a family for him to turn round and then leave them a few months later? I reckon they would be angry and confused. So - some really useful posts. I particularly agree about not pressurising him into the when are you leaving type of conversations. I reckon the only way forward is to be the "other" woman or tell him to go away until he has put some action in. Gosh, it's so hard to do that isn't it, so terribly hard. I have huge pangs of guilt toward his wife too. It is not a position I am proud to be in - a marriage wrecker, a wife stealer. It's making me feel wretched some of the time. But when I see him all those thoughts vapourise... this position has been bought on by myself, i am now suffering the consequences of my actions. You have a lot of great self-insight. I think you are on the right path. Just keep doing what you know is right. It isn't right to keep being involved with someone who is married and who hasn't informed his wife of the new status of their marriage. It isn't right to her but even more importantly, it isn't right for YOU. You deserve better. He may be a decent guy but he is not doing a decent thing right now. Just give it time, be true to yourself and your own values, and do not be with him while he is still married. If he gets divorced, you are free to be with him, and see what happens then. You can do it, you sound strong and I wish you the best.
Author fazleta Posted April 3, 2009 Author Posted April 3, 2009 Hi everyone, I wanted to fill you all in as you were a great support when I needed it most So - it took a few months, some fanstastic support from girlfriends, a few reality checks, and then and only then I told the man I love so very much to go and not come back until he had put some real action in place. So far I don't think he has done anything, but I amgiving him until the end of June. Then I will move on with my life. With or without him. In the meantime, I am living and enjoying my life. only because I am not seeing him. Seeing him became impossible. When I told him my decision we both cried all night and held each other, and I felt truly bereaved. And so I do believe did he. But now, I am beginning to grow. My self esteem is improving because I feel more self worth. If he is to be mine, then the decision is now up to him. The relationshp with my husband has improved as a result, and I feel I can talk to him with my head held high instead of feeling a bit worthless. thankyou everyone, you were great.
Owl Posted April 3, 2009 Posted April 3, 2009 Does your husband know about your relationship with this other guy? Are you still married, seperated, or what?
Author fazleta Posted April 4, 2009 Author Posted April 4, 2009 We are seperated.... but are still friends, and yes, he knows about the MM, and I am amazed he is still speaking to me, to be honest. He's a good guy, I just wish we had both been more mature.. we just never seemed to grow up emotionally and he just wasn't there for me in any way, I felt so alone
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