What do I do?

[jaggy666]

To give you a quick rundown of my situation, i was with my ex for 4 and a half years, engaged for 4 of those years. We were 19 at the time we got together and moved in together about 6 months after hooking up. We loved eachother very much, talked about our wedding and having a family etc. But at the end of last year things seemed to go downhill, we seemed more like friends than partners. We both could tell something was up so we talked about it. We both agreed that we needed to do something to get the spark back so we went out more just the two of us and for a few months everything was ok, but then out of the blue she came home one day and burst out crying. She said she thinks we should end it. She moved out that night but arranged to meet up a few days later to talk. We met up and we went for a long drive, we talked all night about our feelings and what we wanted to do with our lives. We decided that we would give it another go but not live together. This suited us both as it gave us some space.

 

But this only lasted three months as during that time there was no signs of affection apart from the odd i love yous. We have always been very close holding hands, smooching in the corner making our friends sick lol. So i knew that when she wouldnt even hold my hand when we went for a walk she had doubts.

 

Then the worst day of my life happened, she said she couldnt do this anymore. She admitted to me that from an early age she has had mental problems, depression mostly but suicidal thoughts aswell. I had no idea about this but she says these thoughs came back last year and she just needed time to sort her head out.

 

That was in april, we met up a few times after that but agreed the best thing to do was no contact. We didnt speak again for three months. The hardest three months i have ever been through!! I was starting to think positivley again, i was keeping busy by seeing friends and working out a lot in the gym. But then a mutual friend was leaving to live somewhere else so i went out to his leaving party. When i got there i went to the toilet and my ex was standing right there at the top of the stairs and i swear it was the most beautiful sight i have ever seen. We hugged and joined the rest of them. I spend the rest of the night trying to ignore her fighting my feelings for her and because of this she left early.

 

I called her a few days later to say how badly i dealt with the situation and could we meet up for a drink. She said yes so were meeting a week on saturday but i dont know how to play it. Im feeling a lot better than i was, moving on if you will and im quite content with things at the moment but im so confused as to whether i still love this girl. I think about her a lot still but that feeling in my stomach when i do has gone, you know the one! I really want her in my life as she really needs help. I bumbed into her flat mate yesterday and she told me she is in a bad way, drinking too much and not eating. I asked if she had been seeing anyone else and she said no, she went out on a date once but stood the guy up.

 

So, what do i do? Do i just act like a friend and be there for her or try to get her back? Please guys, help.

[citizen67]

I'm sorry to say but she sounds like bad news. Are you really going to be able to help her with what sounds like very serious mental problems? Are you really qualified to do that? Of course, that is east for me to say, as I am not in love with her, but if you were my son or brother or friend, I'd say, you caught a break when she broke up with you. Do not get involved with her again.

[The Collector]

It's also possible that she is exaggerating the mental health issues, or using them as an excuse. People will say anything other than 'I don't fancy you anymore.'

 

Also her flatmate could be telling you what you want to hear, or may even like it if you got back together. But that doesn't mean your ex wants that. If she did, she may have mentioned it to her flatmate who might have given you a clue.

 

And I could be wrong, but I'm getting that it was her who instigated every 'act of distance', and you went along with it. Am I wrong?

 

It might not be what you want to hear, but don't get your hopes up. Meeting her at a party was a coincidence. Agreeing to meet you could be a good sign, could lead to nothing. I don't see any strong evidence that she's looking to reunite, and maybe you don't want that anymore either. Definitely don't get back with her if you no longer love her, but want to 'help.' If that's the case, be a friend.

 

But if you want to get her back, don't act asexual when you meet. That's one of the reasons you drifted apart. Don't put on an act, go with the flow, if she's curious about giving it another shot, she'll give you some signs - maybe even in the way she dresses or does her hair for the date/meeting.

 

Also remember, you're more likely to get her interested if you make her happy and have some fun rather than go into a deep conversation about her past and problems. Go out with a view to having a good night, remind her of the fun guy (I'm assuming) she used to love, and don't come across as needy or desperate for anything.

 

Hope that helps, good luck, and keep us posted.

[jaggy666]

hi guys, thanks for the replies.

 

I can see how you would think she is exaggerating her problems and i too was sceptical but she sees a shrink every two weeks and is on prozac. I know this because i see her dad every now and again and he fills me in. Her mother spend time in a mental institute so it runs in the family and he is worried she will end up the same.

 

I wasnt going to mention this but when she was younger, before we met she got attacked while she was sleeping by a so called friend and then again while we were together, she was out on a night out and i came to pick her up, i saw her walking down the road and in the distance seen a guy follow her, i got out the car and walked towards her, the guy didnt see me and ran up behind her and pushed her up against a wall, i obviously beat the crap out of the guy but her dad says these are the reasons for her depression and she just freaked about commitment.

 

Im not saying that i had no fault in the reason she broke it off, maybe she just didnt love me anymore as well as these other things, i just want to be there for her, whether id be any use i dont know but to know the love of your life has suicidal thoughts, would you just leave them to it?

[verve]

I think the best thing you can do is move on forward, stay strong and don't let this affect your self worth and confidence. If you stay with her you're going to get tangled up in her mental mess. She needs professional help and you can't give her that.