confusedinkansas Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 If you are in a relationship - married or otherwise - & things aren't going well -- & you turn to "chatting online" - It can definitely turn into something more than just fun banter between 2 boxes on your computer screen. I was in that situation - not a great marriage, began chatting with someone & thru the course of about 4 months (because we had similar situations & a lot in common) we did meet. It turned into a 2 year affair. So, I agree with the comments ......Chat online, Chat on the Phone, Meet...it's just a natural progression if you are "attracted" to someone. Although we aren't in our 'affair' anymore - we're still 'friends' - on a weird level - but we still talk about once a week or so.
Owl Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 CIK, the last I saw you and your H had decided to work things out between the two of you. Maintaining ANY kind of relationship with your affair partner will completely negate any attempts at rebuilding your marriage. What's your status? If you prefer...update your own thread rather than T/J this one. I'm very curious if your H knows that you're still in contact with OM online.
confusedinkansas Posted September 16, 2008 Posted September 16, 2008 Owl - Responded in "Hope After Separation"
Owl Posted September 17, 2008 Posted September 17, 2008 I never did get a response from the OP on what she'd call the situation I'd provided a link for. If it wasn't an online affair, I'm really curious what she thought it was then.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 So what your real issue is, is that you want to cyber and flash, but your b/f doesn't agree? Yup I guess so, but ok. Like I stated before, I do respect that but damn it would be cool if he one day changed his mind and decided to do it. Oh well. Interesting how if I ever were to caught him on cam doing it, I wouldn't really get jealous. I don't know, most of us gals would be overreacting but not me.
Geishawhelk Posted November 13, 2008 Posted November 13, 2008 So you never have caught him. Are you sure you really wouldn't ever actually be jealous? Or are you assuming that this is how you definitely would feel? or hoping, maybe? You see, to my mind, until it actually happens to us, everything is a hypothetical. Wouldn't you want to know why he feels he has to do that..?
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 13, 2008 Author Posted November 13, 2008 So you never have caught him. Are you sure you really wouldn't ever actually be jealous? Or are you assuming that this is how you definitely would feel? or hoping, maybe? You see, to my mind, until it actually happens to us, everything is a hypothetical. Wouldn't you want to know why he feels he has to do that..? No and he's not into that. Well you see from the beginning of our relationship I have told him I wouldn't mind at all if he cybers and/or flashes on cam (you know online sex, porn) but he doesn't agree to it. I know he would be piss if he caught me on it since he considers it disrespectful. One time he did told me he would feel like he's not good enough for me. Oh well I would be ok if he does it.
Geishawhelk Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Yes. Because then, it would be OK for you to do it.
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 What if your b/f had an online relationship with someone else, where he stopped caring about you and put all his emotion, time and sexual energy into this person? It's not real, is it? It's only online. No cheating here...
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 What if your b/f had an online relationship with someone else, where he stopped caring about you and put all his emotion, time and sexual energy into this person? It's not real, is it? It's only online. No cheating here... Good point, never thought about it that way. If it gets to the point where I'm invisible then yea there would be a limit on the online thing, thus new rules.
Trialbyfire Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Good point, never thought about it that way. If it gets to the point where I'm invisible then yea there would be a limit on the online thing, thus new rules. So only your boundaries and feelings matter? What about your b/fs boundaries and feelings? What if he's perfectly happy with his online person and wants to keep it status quo? On the flipside, what if it bothers him that you want to exceed his boundaries, in wanting to do whatever you want to do online? It's a slippery slope Ailec. Once you start saying certain things are okay like this, sometimes feelings start to enter into it. Then what are you going to do?
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Alice...you never answered my question from way back when you first started this thread: Hmmm....I'm curious how the original poster would define "emotional affair" as well? Perhaps its only an affair if they have intercourse...in a bed...on Tuesday...as long as its anything other than missionary? Try reading this link: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/ Was that an "online affair" or not? Since it didn't STAY online, but graduated to phone calls and such...does that qualify it as an affair? Or is it ONLY an affair if they'd have met in a motel room? Read the link I've got in there...tell me whether or not this is an "online affair"...tell me if you'd be ok if your BF took the actions that my wife did. The comment ealier asking about an online emotional connection is VERY valid. Even when people are just "cybering"...it VERY often leads to an EMOTIONAL connection well beyond just the physical feelings that are generated. That's why PA's often don't REMAIN PA's...they become EA's eventually as well.
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Yes in your case it did get out of hand, esp. when you stated how she ran out of love for you. I guess I meant it's fine as long as you don't take it to that extreme of actually wanting to meet that person in real life nor close the window if the OP is there. If you can't do it in your OP's face then yea there's a problem.
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 That's the problem. That "fine line" is soooo fine... The vast majority of people CAN'T keep from crossing it. That's why healthy relationships need partners who can enforce HEALTHY BOUNDARIES. Flirting...whether online or off...isn't healthy for the relationship. Going further...again, online or off...is EXTREMELY risky. "Cybering"...or engaging in any kind of behavior along those lines online...is an extremely risky behavior for a relationship. Its an open door for the partner...it creates a line soooo thin, it'll be very, very, very easy to cross. Again, it depends a lot on what KIND of relationship you have with your SO, too. If you want a COMMITTED, potentially monogamous relationship...this behavior would be completely contrary to the safety and stability of that relationship. If you want an open, committment-free relationship...this would be completely acceptable. So...in answer to your first opening statement...online infidelity is a VERY real thing. How dangerous online behavior is really depends most on what kind of relationship you want to have. Its fine if you have an "open, non-committed" one. But online infidelity is a VERY real danger to a committed relationship.
jwi71 Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 Yes in your case it did get out of hand, esp. when you stated how she ran out of love for you. I guess I meant it's fine as long as you don't take it to that extreme of actually wanting to meet that person in real life nor close the window if the OP is there. If you can't do it in your OP's face then yea there's a problem. Ailec, What do you get out of your A? What does it provide you that your bf does not?
Author samsungxoxo Posted November 14, 2008 Author Posted November 14, 2008 Ailec, What do you get out of your A? What does it provide you that your bf does not? I didn't say that I'm doing that. As I clearly stated that I respect my relationship. As to want it would provide for me that my b/f doesn't if I were to do it well nothing really, just me getting horny (kind of like an online activity).
Owl Posted November 14, 2008 Posted November 14, 2008 There's a good difference between "looking" at something online, and "participating" in something online. The fact that what you're describing/wanting is more tied around INTERACTING with someone else ("flashing" on cam, etc...) goes even beyond the "disrespectful" thing your BF described...again...that's a point where risk of this going BEYOND the internet comes in big time. Its good that you're opting NOT to do this since your BF is clearly against it.
mental_traveller Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 Well not for me. I don't see why on earth many women go on crying on how they caught their men cybering or dirty talk, porn and go on saying ''Oh how could you, oh he cheated''. No he didn't, he's just having some online activity, it's not like he's gonna actually meet the person in real life and do it for real. Infidelity it's when ur partner is with the other person in real life and does stuff. IN PERSON NOT IN VIRTUAL WORLD. Depends on how someone defined cheating. There's not much difference between getting naked on webcam and both masturbating, saying they love each other, and masturbating in front of each other in the "real world", is there? If someone says they wouldn't tolerate "virtual" cheating, then it's cheating if their partner goes and does that. Texting love messages to someone else is cheating of a sort (not as serious as kissing, sex etc). So would be writing love letters back in the pre-cellphone era. Basically, cheating is any betrayal of emotional fidelity and trust. Getting down and dirty online, either chat or cam, is definitely cheating IMO. If you don't think so, best to clarify that before getting in a relationship.
frannie Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I can't imagine ANY scenario where either of the people in a relationship would be comfortable either cyber sex talking in front of their other half or WATCHING their other half cyber sex talking with someone. I mean really. When would that EVER happen? Maybe in an open relationship, but otherwise? I just can't see it happening. I know quite a few people who do just that and are really happy, and totally committed to each other. Choosing to involve a third (or fourth or fifth) person in your sex life (cyber or 'real') doesn't necessarily mean that you're less serious about your primary relationship. In fact, it's only when that relationship is strong and committed that it can really work. In answer to the OP, I believe that anything you do behind your partner's back, or with their knowledge but they're not happy with is infidelity. Unless you're both on the same page then it's not only unfair but very dangerous to the primary relationship. And that's the case whether it escalates to 'real life' or stays online but takes away time, energy or emotional investment from your partner.
OWoman Posted November 15, 2008 Posted November 15, 2008 I read an interesting comment on the Second Life divorce in today's papers. (For those not familiar with the story - a couple who'd met in a chat room before meeting and marrying IRL have recently divorced IRL because the guy's avatar in Second Life had an A with an avatar belonging to a woman other than his W - to whose avatar his avatar was married in Second Life. The guy is now engaged IRL to the woman whose avatar he had the A with - though they have yet to meet IRL - and his xW is now with some guy she met on WoW.) Apparently the "B"W readily agreed with all claims that nothing had happened IRL - but what had gotten to her was the EA developing behind the Second Life EMA coupling.
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I find it incredulous that anyone would consider a relationship where the two have sex, real or otherwise, with someone other than their partner to be anything resembling strong or committed. But that's just me, and probably 90% of the rest of the population. Well yes, it probably is you and 90% of the rest of the population. That doesn't make it wrong for the 10% for whom it's 'right'. All you need to worry about is that you're committed to someone who's of the same mindset that you are, yes?
frannie Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Absolutely! If people want an "open relationship," and they're both fine with it, more power to 'em. I don't think the OP's BF is in that category though. At least, it doesn't appear so from the posts I've read. Yes, more power to them, etc. and yes, they can still be committed 100%. And yes, its obvious the OP and her b/f are not on the same page whatsoever.
Owl Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Yes, more power to them, etc. and yes, they can still be committed 100%. And yes, its obvious the OP and her b/f are not on the same page whatsoever. This I agree with. And for those that do not believe or desire monogamous marriages...simply don't engage in them. Either ensure that your partner 100% agrees with "the lifestyle", or don't have a long term partner. I don't have any issue with people who aren't monogamous...as long as they don't PROMISE monogamy to anyone. And...as long as THEIR mindset doesn't impinge upon those who don't agree (for example, sleeping with someone else's spouse). The one other caveat in here is to ALWAYS have a gameplan for how to deal with things when one or the other partner is no longer interested in "the lifestyle". This happens a lot...its ok at first, but as time goes on, one or the other often no longer wants to have a polyamorous lifestyle. Knowing that, and having a plan for dealing with that IF it arrives is a good failsafe. In the OP's case here, she clearly has a different view on things from her BF. Her choices (to me) appear to be pretty straightforward...either agree to the boundaries your BF has set in the relationship, or end the relationship.
OWoman Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 I don't have any issue with people who aren't monogamous...as long as they don't PROMISE monogamy to anyone. And...as long as THEIR mindset doesn't impinge upon those who don't agree (for example, sleeping with someone else's spouse). APs typically don't force the WS to sleep with them, so the boundaries of who does and doesn't agree would seem pretty permeable.
Owl Posted November 17, 2008 Posted November 17, 2008 Owoman, I know your view on this...we've discussed many times. I see it as imposing on the marriage...you don't. I agree that no one is "forced"...but I also personally feel that the CHOICE to sleep with a married man is one that is deliberately made...and the responsibility for the pain caused by that choice is shared by those people who make that choice. I don't believe that we'll agree on this point tho.
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