jb Posted August 11, 2003 Posted August 11, 2003 I've been with my boyfriend for almost two years. We've been living together for the past six months. He rarely picks up the check when we go out, sometimes at the cheap restaurants he'll pay. We make about the same amount of money. I always buy the groceries, I usually pay for our nights out. When I go shopping at the mall he asks me to get him something or if he goes with me, he just throws his clothes in with mine when I'm paying at the register, and doesn't offer to pay me back. I used to surprise him with small gifts, not anymore, because he would never do the same in return. Whenever I want to go on a vacation, I have to pay for the whole thing. So I stopped paying, but now we never go anywhere. He says that he doesn't have money, but that's because he spends it on himself (golf, gambling, clothing). What about me? How come I feel like I'm doing all the giving and he's never puting anything into this realtionship? All he does is come home from work, sit on the couch, hang out with his friends, watch TV. All I do is cook, clean, shop, and take care of everything he needs. Am I being selfish here, of am I being taken adantage of? Also, he's thinking about quitting his job and starting his own business, in the meantime he wants me to support him. I should mention he suffers from anxiety and depression for which he is on meds, that might have something to do with his behavior? I'm thinking about moving out.
jalexy Posted August 11, 2003 Posted August 11, 2003 wow, this dude is a loser. i cant beleive you have not asked him abotu this? or have you? i would tell him that you wish for things to be 50/50. relationships are not one sided, as it seems to be in your situation. i would tell him how things need to be....if they dont turn out in a happier way, i would leave him. his respect for you seems to be nonexistant
jb Posted August 11, 2003 Posted August 11, 2003 Yeah, I've tried to talk to him about it. I ask him to contribute some more and that I'm starting to feel taken advantage of and resentful. He say's that I'm trying to change him into someone who wants to romance me and travel the world with me, and that he's just a simple guy. He's not a mean person. We just don't seem to have the same priorities. Though, if he really cared about me wouldn't he try to do some of the things to make me happy? He say's that he's fine and I'm the one that's not happy. So it's my problem to deal with. I told him if I'm not happy with our current situation than it take both of us to deal with it. He didn't agree. Of course he's happy, I do everything for he while he does nothing for me. He makes me feel like I'm the one asking for too much, I'm trying to change him.
yes Posted August 11, 2003 Posted August 11, 2003 Why are you still with him?! WHat are you getting out of it, aside from having A bf?! Of course he's taking advantage of you, using you, disrespecting you, and not showing any signs of love or care, as far as I can see from you post. ugh... -yes
timeofyurlife Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 I think if you really read what you wrote and actually see it in print you know what the answer is DUMP HIM this guy is taking advantage of a good situation as for the starting his own business get out b4 he blames you for it not succeeding trust me he is looking for a scape goat get out of that relation and find some one that appreciates you and what you have to offer do it now b4 its too late
moimeme Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 Some guys are just cheap. Cheapo, cheaperoonie, cheap. I have a friend who married a cheap guy. Their solution is that they share costs equally and if one wants to buy something, that person has to pay out of his own funds. As for how he behaves around the house, it could be that his dad sat around, watched TV, and didn't help much. Even today, a lot of guys haven't clued in that they should do their fair share around the house. You need to negotiate this or put your foot down. Yes, depression and anxiety could certainly turn him into a person who didn't want to go out or do much. He could be one of those people that fears poverty in old age so is saving and saving like mad in order to have enough money when he's old (I have a girlfriend like that). If he figures there's nothing wrong with him and he won't go to counselling, then you may have to decide whether you love him enough to put up with the way he is or if you can't live that way any more. I don't know if you knew him before he was depressed and if there is much chance of change, either. I sure would not agree to support him while he gets a business underway. The best way for him to try a business is to do it part time in addition to his job or go into partnership with someone. If it grows to the point that he can earn a living from it, then he can quit his job.
my_mother's_daughter Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 All I do is cook, clean, shop, and take care of everything he needs. Am I being selfish here? Please? No. Spend your money on things that he doesn't need. Clean up after yourself, and not him, and we'll see how long that arrangement lasts shall we..
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 STOP buying his groceries and cooking for him. Take care of your own meals if he refuses to pitch in. STOP picking up after him. If you get tired of tripping over his mess, pile it up on the couch where he spends all his time watching TV. Go to that restaurant, plan that night out and book that trip. If he tells you he can't afford to go unless you pay...GO BY YOURSELF, or find a gal pal to tag along with you. Sooner or later he's going to get tired of his own company. And if he doesn't, sooner or later you're going to realize life is far better without him! Asking your partner to meet you half way (particularly with the household finances, and/or chores) is NOT the same as asking someone to change. If I were you, I'd sack that loser and go buy a pet. They're less expensive, easier to look after, far more affectionate and they won't hog the remote!!
moimeme Posted August 17, 2003 Posted August 17, 2003 But before you do these things, try to negotiate with him. Don't just quit doing things without first discussing it. Some guys are completely clueless and will straighten up if you ask them nicely and negotiate change with them. Tell him you aren't trying to change him into whatever he claims you're trying to change him into, that you just want him to be a fair person, which should not be too much to ask. If you both work the same hours, how can any reasonable person think it is fair for one to do more work in the house? If that doesn't persuade him, then go on 'strike'.
jb Posted August 18, 2003 Posted August 18, 2003 Thanks for all the replies. I've tried to "go on strike" and not pay for things, get groceries, cook, clean etc... I thought he would start picking up the slack, but it's like he never even noticed that the house was a mess, nothing was in the fridge and we hadn't been out in over a month. He's pretty clueless. I guess I did just quit doing things without first discussing it. Well, I did yell it at him when I was pretty mad. I admit that my communications skills aren't the best. I bottle things up, then unlease the fury, or I go on strike and give him the cold shoulder. Obviously, neither have been working. I'm going to try to have a civilized and rational discussion about it. Maybe make some finance rules about who pays what and make a household chores list. One rule - that we do something out (dinner, movie, picnic, beach etc..) at least every other week (alternating who pays). As far as trips, I'll say I'm going and if he wants to go he'll have to pay his own way or I'll go w/friends. I'll tell him he still needs to put in for the rent and bills when he starts his own business. If he just doesn't do it, I'll just leave. ~thanks again
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