lznhope Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 To make a long story short. My husband had an affair, first I confronted him, then had a nervous breakdown, he denied, made me to believe I "dreamed" it all up, and eventually admitted. That is it. I found out he continued communication after my "breakdown" and promises that there was no affair. He finally admits but that is it! Basically it comes down to "I am sorry, I was wrong. GET OVER IT attitude. He has never answered one of my questions. I am on the verge of leaving for good. I am not sure if I even love him today. Any suggestions reasons why he will not discuss the affair? I believe it could suggest continued communication with her. (She moved to WA, but works for an airline) Easy access to Texas for her! If he were truly sorry, wouldn't he just come clean?
soda Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 To make a long story short. My husband had an affair, first I confronted him, then had a nervous breakdown, he denied, made me to believe I "dreamed" it all up, and eventually admitted. That is it. I found out he continued communication after my "breakdown" and promises that there was no affair. He finally admits but that is it! Basically it comes down to "I am sorry, I was wrong. GET OVER IT attitude. He has never answered one of my questions. I am on the verge of leaving for good. I am not sure if I even love him today. Any suggestions reasons why he will not discuss the affair? I believe it could suggest continued communication with her. (She moved to WA, but works for an airline) Easy access to Texas for her! If he were truly sorry, wouldn't he just come clean? Tell him that you are very concerned that if he doesn't come clean and enter MC with you immediately that the marriage won't work. Right now, he's playing with your mind. He's in the fog of affairyland, and he needs a viscious dose of reality to snap out of it.
soda Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 That is if you choose to work on the marriage. You do have a choice in the matter. After all, he DID have an affair. Recovering will be difficult, and you don't HAVE to do it.
couchmonkey Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Take your power back. He is treating your feelings as an inconvenience to him. Divorce him and take all his property.
whichwayisup Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 Leave him. Until he is ready to completely come clean and tell you the truth, shut him out. He needs to feel consquences, suffer abit, see that you are not going to put up with his crap. He needs to show you his sorrow, his regret, not sweep it under the rug and tell you to get over it.
Author lznhope Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Thank you for your support. However, I am searching for an answer to the question, why isn't he talking? I know what I need to do, but even walking away will not answer that one thing on my mind. The sad part is, my husband, he does love me. This has not been my issue. This is his problem. I beat myself up over every time dinner was late, or I was grouchy, or upset or didn't feel like cleaning the dishes in the sink. It took me time to realize, it was a personal decision that he chose to make. He isn't perfect either, but I didn't go have a fling to make myself feel better. This is about integrity, vows, promises. That is what commitment is about. Even if I divorce him today...I am not out to destroy this man or leave him as revenge for his mistakes. I truly feel sorry for him. He will be the one who lost a woman who loved him unconditionally, who was faithful to him. All I needed to hear was the truth. For me the marriage will not be over because of the affair (I am willing to forgive because of my faith) it will be over from the lack of intimacy. If a couple cannot work through their problems with words or deeds, suddenly the curtain is closing. I gave him his freedom, he wanted to stay with me, he just does not want to talk about it. I can forgive the affair, it is the not talking that is doing all this damage. How do you build trust that was destroyed in a moment, a breath? It takes rebuilding. I just can't build it on my own. It takes two. Yes, I am ready to leave now. Today I am stronger. I want happiness for us both. If he does not get help, one more woman will be hurt down the line. Remember, good people make bad mistakes. We are all in need of a little forgiveness. I just wanted the truth to come from him. Sadly enough, I believe I deserved that much.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 why wouldn't he talk? too much to hide/cover updoesn't want you to knowdisrespecting your position in the so called marriagedoesn't intend for things to changefells a sense of entitlementdoesn't want to take the blame/ do the work it will take to fix what his actions feelings about the A and set the M in a better placelikes it fine the way it is and doesn't see a reason for it to change either way - it is disrespectful to your marriage and he is not intending for it to change. he's most likely still continuing with the OW either physically or emotionally or both, but either way - he intends to keep things the same. can you live that way?
Author lznhope Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Thanks sunny. I so appreciate your response. You gave me the answers... but deep inside I guess I knew them all along. Maybe, somewhere deep inside I just needed confirmation. The funny thing is, I thought maybe he really did love me. I guess I was wrong. I am just past the angry part. I am sad for the relationship that could have been... if only.... No, I can't live this way... that is why I am posting. Thanks again.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 honey - it has nothing to do with the fact that he may or may not love you - he probably does. it's just that it's not enough for HIM to be happy - has nothing to do with you. some folks won't ever be happy no matter what. you can't fix that part of him. you can set your clear boundaries that will help you to be happier. he will need to live by your boundaries, with or without being married in the future. this will help you to go forward and be happy.
Author lznhope Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Thanks for your gentleness. Your answer touched my heart and brought a tear to my eye. I pray God blesses you in a very special way! I am not out for revenge. I am out for healing. I know that I am not alone. But God sometimes uses special people... to guide you in the right direction. I will pull up my sails, and know that I am okay. Life is a journey... right? The scarey part is not knowing where you are headed.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 i know - believe me - been there, done that. everything will be fine. and you know, sometimes it is amazingly fine! learn to be happy all on your own! the company of a nice man is just an added bonus when it happens now.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 how long have you been married? do you have kids?
stoopid_guy Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 He did admit to the affair (once you caught him, at least.) What questions does he refuse to answer? He may well be hesitant to talk about some of the intimate details, just as he would probably not talk about the intimate details of his relationship with you with others.
2sunny Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 He did admit to the affair (once you caught him, at least.) What questions does he refuse to answer? He may well be hesitant to talk about some of the intimate details, just as he would probably not talk about the intimate details of his relationship with you with others. some of these are assumptions SG- she wrote - he denied! also - my XH used to talk about all kinds of personal issues with others when i had no idea he felt a certain way at all... i'd find out from family or a friend that he was looking at buying a house or a car etc... completely inappropriate when he hadn't even intended to discuss an important decision with me. so it is possible that her H has done that as well...
Mr. Lucky Posted August 23, 2008 Posted August 23, 2008 He may well be hesitant to talk about some of the intimate details, just as he would probably not talk about the intimate details of his relationship with you with others. Yes but the difference is that he made a committment only to create those "intimate details" with one person. And while each person grieves and heals differently, some BS need to hear the details in order to deal with the pain. The WS owes them that recounting and more. I don't think that the rule that says "Don't kiss and tell" applies if you're kiissing someone other than your wife... Mr. Lucky
Author lznhope Posted August 23, 2008 Author Posted August 23, 2008 Sunny- I have four children. One of them is in a wheelchair. The other three have graduated. Two this year. SG- I didn't ask for intimate details. I asked three questions. 1. When did it start? 2. When did it end? 3. Why? I think these three questions are more than fair. I didn't ask him about missing money, hotel rooms, trips out of town etc. I am not a foolish woman. I realize there are details I don't need described. After all, I have had sex. If that sounds curt, I apologize. But asking some questions, is a wife's right to know. There are diseases etc. and it does affect my body. He threw me into bed with that woman (and her husband) when he was unfaithful with her. I am allowed to ask whatever I like...it is an individual choice. Until it happens to you, you don't know what questions you will have. I believe Mr. Lucky is right!!!! Thanks. And if the shoe were on the other foot, he would ask. My husband has always been jealous of me and he always makes sure the men in the room KNOW I belong to him. He answered only question number one. His answer was.... I don't remember... I don't know. I am tired this afternoon. And I sound a little defensive. But I am not out to hurt my husband. I merely think that being honest is important. Again, my choice.
Walk Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 He knows when it started. He can't answer when it ended because it doesn't sound as if it has. And the "Why" answer would probably prove he's a schmuck and an a-hole. You deserve to have those questions to be answered in as much detail as you require. He has no right to keep anything from you. The same way that I no longer have the right to hide or deceive my husband since marrying him. I made promises to always put his well-being as my priority, and part of that is by informing him of any actions that could place that well-being in jeopardy. You H's continued silence places your marriage in jeopardy, your mental well-being, and possibly your physcial health.
stoopid_guy Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 SG- I didn't ask for intimate details. I asked three questions. 1. When did it start? 2. When did it end? 3. Why? I think these three questions are more than fair. I didn't ask him about missing money, hotel rooms, trips out of town Yes, fair questions. He's going to know when it began and ended (if it has.) He may not know "why" himself, or may not have a "why" he's willing to share yet. If you do decide to try to save the marriage, be patient. It will probably take a while for him to completely open up.
nicht Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I can relate 100% to what you are going through. My husband says the same things to me - he loves me, he isn't seeing her anymore, he doesn't want a divorce, yada, yada, yada. I also have a very strong faith in God and that is what has kept me going through the past year of this crap. He also tells me that she won't leave him alone and that she shows up outside his workplace wanting to talk to him. I actually have seen this for myself - so I know it is true - but what I don't know is if she is there because he tells her to be or what. I just don't know since I can't trust what he says to be the truth. Mr. Lucky - I like the way you think. No man has the right to "keep secrets" from his wife if he really wants to be in a relationship with her. My husband shared very intimate details about me and our marriage with his OW - she knows things she NEVER should have been allowed to know.
Author lznhope Posted August 24, 2008 Author Posted August 24, 2008 So much for trying to be sweet. We got into it tonight. He had the nerve.... he "almost" went back to denial???? What is wrong with him? He would rather throw away our marriage than confront the truth. I can't take it anymore. Why the heck am I trying to be so fair to a man who is being so unfair? Somebody slap me! nicht- Keep your faith alive, I believe that is the only thing to hold on too. I am soooo sorry that you are going through the same thing. I am losing all hope that this man could truly ever have loved me. Thanks SG- Yes fair questions... and this is what I got.
Ronni_W Posted August 24, 2008 Posted August 24, 2008 I can't take it anymore. Why the heck am I trying to be so fair to a man who is being so unfair? Do you have an 'exit plan' that will allow you to provide proper care for yourself and the children? With four of them, and one in a wheelchair, I imagine the emotional, physical, mental and financial requirements might be quite extreme. If that is part of what's feeding a hope for successful reconciliation, it is worthy of consideration, IMO. It seems that you have basically three options: [1] Accept that you will not receive answers to your (perfectly reasonable and appropriate) questions, or [2] Proceed with separation/divorce, or [3] Make marriage counseling a non-negotiable. I agree with those who say that he has no pressing need to facilitate your understanding because he cannot see any advantages or benefits FOR HIMSELF, in doing that. Put another way, at this point, there is no pain or sacrifice FOR HIM to endure if he does not provide his answers. (HE will experience life exactly the same, whether he does or does not.) Sending hugs and good wishes.
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